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Messages - lte

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1
Women / Re: Surprise
« on: March 18, 2015, 11:06:22 PM »
I know that it is the way it is supposed to be.  But it was not that way for a number of years.  We would each say we like to be alone and take care of ourselves  /  In retrospect, we were no connecting.  At All.  And now without effort we are there for each other.!! 

Amazing how the "normal" feels so amazing@
In the final analysis, a marriage is a very good friendship. Cooperation, etc, are a huge part of marriage.

2
Women / Re: Surprise
« on: March 16, 2015, 11:43:21 PM »
Today my husband had some surgery.  I noticed how we took care of each other.  Without effort.  We truly care for each other and I was happy to get him the things he needs and he wanted caresses to make him feel better.
That's the way it's supposed to be.

3
Ages 20-29 / Re: Journey of Hungry Ghost
« on: March 13, 2015, 10:48:13 PM »

The Goal is compelete Abstince, but the Beginning is a Reboot from Pornography.

Hungry Ghost

Are you still on this? I think complete abstinence is way too irrealistic and would lead to frustration and relapses only. Why not trying with ''my goal is to have a healthy sexual behaviour that corresponds with my true self''. With true self I mean the guy who you truly want to become, the one from your full potential. Sometimes we misunderstand our own will and can't go forwards because we have no clear, realistic objectives.
I would disagree. We have been sold a bill of goods regarding sex. You do not need sex in order to live and be happy; in fact, being in control of sexual desire helps us to have a better sex life in the long run. I am not advocating celibacy as a lifestyle, but I believe it is important and attainable for a man to be in complete control of his sexual desires. Once this is achieved, it becomes a lot easier to make good decisions in finding a mate, as opposed getting whatever you can and hoping that at some point in time you find someone with whom you can forge a durable relationship.

Misinformation regarding our ability to be in control of our sex drive is at the very root of porn addiction and compulsive masturbation. I've been on both sides of this issue and lived with a masturbation compulsion for over 40 year, a compulsion that ruined my life a destroyed the love of two women that cared enough for me to marry me. Had I been in control of my sexual desires I would probably still be with my first wife, or perhaps I would have waited until I was more mature before I got married. I was WEAK! It wasn't until roughly 830 days ago that I made real progress with this problem and discovered an inner strength. I'm no longer "triggered" by the sight of a scantily clad woman in an advertisement. I no longer struggle, fearing that I will become obsessed with some aspect of sexuality and end up binging on porn. Having lived both sides of this issue I can tell you that I feel much stronger and much more in control of myself than I did before 12/02/12, that date that I first started this journey.

At this moment I have no desire to view porn. I could be watching porn five seconds from now but I'm not tempted in the slightest. I could go and jerk off and empty my prostate any time I want, but I don't want to. I far prefer to walk a bit taller, feel greater confidence and to wear a smile on my face, knowing that I am in control of myself, master of my own domain.

4
Ages 20-29 / Re: Getting back to life
« on: March 12, 2015, 09:36:07 PM »
Two days of exam, two parts - done.

Tomorrow last day + the last two parts. Keep your fingers crossed.

And I hit 300 posts :)
You're on a winning streak.

5
Ages 20-29 / Re: Getting back to life
« on: March 09, 2015, 10:36:45 AM »
You handled it well.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Getting back to life
« on: March 07, 2015, 10:12:09 PM »
The ups and downs of life go on,even when we are rebooting. The great news is that you've weathered these events without relapsing.

7
Women / Re: Surprise
« on: March 05, 2015, 12:10:08 AM »
I would like to share that my husband was on an overnight trip and I did not worry.  At all!  I am so proud.  I did not have to call him a lot or text a bunch it was all wonderfully normal.  And I slept.  I did not keep waking up did not have trouble going to sleep.  This is a big step for me. 

So happy with how far he and I have come!  Celebration!

Congratulations to both of you.

8
Success Stories / Re: We made it!
« on: March 03, 2015, 08:05:17 PM »
My husband was actually seeing a psychologist for ADHD type symptoms.  Foggy mind, depression, just overall zombie like state.  He was very very forgetful and completely unfocused.  It's a good thing he is very good at his job!  Anyway when he gave up games and PMO all of these things slowly vanished.  He became much more focused, less forgetful and he became a better dad and all around better man.  I could not believe the change in him from my perspective.  I literally thought he had ADHD but it turns out it was dopamine imbalances.

Hello! Thanks so much for the info. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and have been taking medication for it ever since, but I also started masturbating as a young child and I have been feeling depressed since I noticed my PIED symptoms a couple years ago. I would really like to learn more about the possibility that I simply have a dopamine imbalance rather than full ADHD. Did your husband see a certain type of psychologist to find out about the imbalance? Or another kind of doctor?

Thanks again, so happy for you and your husband!
While purely anecdotal, I know that my concentration and attention span have improved greatly over the last two years. I am more focused at work and less inclined to become upset when things go wrong.

9
Women / Re: 19 y/o girl
« on: March 01, 2015, 08:31:31 AM »
Facebook is different for everyone.  For me it is mostly a way of communicating about my kids extracurricular activities and a news aggregator and a way to share pictures of your kids.  It has never really been much of a social tool for me.  I can see that is can be very different for other people.
I think that there's a generational difference. By the time the Internet became a consumer product I was established as an adult. Someone growing up in the Internet era may see Facebook as a completely different thing than I do. It's an integral part of social life for many young people these days. I'm not sure that's such a good thing, but that's the way things are.

10
Women / Re: 19 y/o girl
« on: February 28, 2015, 10:59:30 PM »
One thing I dislike about Facebook is the fact that you have to declare who,your friends are and that you can unfriend someone. It strikes me as juvenile. I think that online socializing has created a false sense of who is and who is not an actual friend. Love and kindness should have at least some of their expression in real interchanges between people in the same place, at the same time. I see it as ludicrous that someone would think that dozens, hundreds or even thousands of online "friends" has any direct correlation to real, flesh and blood friends in the physical world. In some cases, online friendships have crossed over beyond the online realm, but I've found that people I really like online may not turn out to be such good friends in person.

The number of young males unable to perform sexually is highly disturbing to me. If anyone is not concerned it's because they aren't paying attention; IMHO.

11
Women / Re: 19 y/o girl
« on: February 28, 2015, 09:35:42 AM »
I've often wondered about the role of social media in all of this. The closest I come to social media is forums, such as this one. I see Facebook as being characteristically different from forums. I suspect that building massive friend lists may be a form of hoarding for some people.

12
Porn Addiction / Re: A Brief Note on Pornosexuality
« on: February 27, 2015, 07:24:06 PM »
The progress continues over time. I'm closing in on 800 days and I still am breaking new ground.

This is my hope, this is what I cling on to when I have doubts :)

Early on in the game I realized that once the addiction was broken it would become easier overall. That isn't to suggest that I don't have the occasional rough moment, but they are much less common now than they used to be and I have built up a fund of experience in dealing with them. You will continue to see more benefits as time goes on. There's no end in sight; it just keeps getting better.

13
You have a good track record built up, jkkk. Stick with it, improvement keeps happening over time. I'm better now than I was 100 days ago and worlds better than I was 400 days ago.

14
Porn Addiction / Re: A Brief Note on Pornosexuality
« on: February 27, 2015, 05:55:52 PM »
I may have locked this topic inadvertently. It's easy enough to do, just a single click that must've happened accidentally. In any event, I unlocked it and I apologize. It seems like a great topic and I'm not trying to inhibit it in any way.

15
Porn Addiction / Re: how porn ruined my life permanently
« on: February 27, 2015, 05:54:08 PM »
I'm sorry to hear of your problems. No one deserves what you've been through. Give yourself a little time, you'll be amazed by how much things can improve.

16
LTE you are right relationships appear to be reduced to co-habiting sexual partners.  This lends to the belief then that if this one does not work out then either person can move out and move on.  I was in a violent first marriage and I am glad that divorce was an option, but I also think that divorce is often the first answer as opposed to the last answer.  Viewing marriage in that way takes out the commitment necessary to make a marriage work.  I can say that the last 3 years of our marriage my husband have worked harder than ever before to work through and past the porn addiction. 

I am saddened when I see the married women that have come here and have ended up with divorce as their option.  That is not meant to be construed to mean they did not work hard enough or long enough.  It just means that porn and our porn culture have made casualties of another relationship.  Sex without emotion or commitment or a human, other than oneself, that is being touched.  No reaching outside of yourself, no sharing of yourself with another.  No gift of yourself.  And that is the beauty of marriage, the gifting to one another of a self. 

And to get through and work through porn addiction, the addict must find himself once again.  He must find his self.
As I mentioned above, the watershed moment for me was realizing that I wanted companionship, not sex. I grew up in a religious environment, no premarital sex allowed. I never even viewed it as a possibility. When I reached a point of despair and was ready to cast the rules aside I saw what was in my psyche, and it was a desire for companionship. Find a companion, someone you enjoy spending a lot of time with, and sex becomes a lovely, private, intimate thing that you uniquely share. Start off looking for sex and you will be trying to force fit someone into your life just because you like the sex. Its a bass-ackwards approach on its best day.

It takes work to make someone a life partner. It takes patience, because no matter how wonderful that person is, there's a lot to be tolerated anytime two people with two separate free wills try to live together; but it can be worth it.

17
Porn Addiction / Re: A Brief Note on Pornosexuality
« on: February 27, 2015, 03:59:41 PM »
HR  that is a very good take on things.  It explains why, as women, even though our man ages we are not bothered so much by the changes that aging brings about in terms of physical attractiveness.  We are engaged with the whole person.  So a little or more weight here or there is not of concern to us.  Graying hair or loss of hair not a big deal.  For me, I love the sound of my husband's voice always have always will.  Just hearing him talk.  And that may explain why we are so blindsided by the whole porn thing.

JKKK what was it that you loved about your wife initially?  If porn was there before her, then your preference was there.  What does she or did she have that overcame that preference? 

Women want to be more than a sum total of our body parts.  My husband used to talk about the way I looked at 18 when he first saw me.  I wanted him to say when he sees me now I am amazing.  That is important to us.  To be attractive throughout our life span especially to our husbands.

For my husband and I, we had to reach back and talk about why we got married, what attracted us to one another, why and how did we enjoy being with each other.  We had to look at ourselves and find all those things again and bring them to the here and now.  An update to our computer system of love.
Our modern pop culture seems to work against the direction of goodness regarding all of this. If you take cues from the world of entertainment you would think that the physical is all that matters. People have forgotten what a gift it is to have others in our lives. Everyone that is part of my close circle is precious, but a mate is even more precious.

18
Absolutely correct.

Yet absolutely untenable for an addict. A great view on what is going on in our addicted selves has been just posted here:

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=3805.0

And, honestly, to me that kind of information should be like contained in step-by-step reboot anthology. I acknowledge not every guy in this forum experienced that kind of problems, but this is in my view 100% spot on for those, who, unluckily, had almost all their childhood/adolescent/youth sexual experiences with PMO only and without contact with any women. Myself included. I really try not to pity myself, and I guess I would get even less pity from women around here, but just to state the obvious: none of us enjoyed even a second of being in that state of total disconnection from real women. If I could go back in a time-machine and help that poor guy of me, talk to him and explain just how wrong he is, I would. Not even to my benefit, but to the benefit of my wife.
I am convinced that our current culture has altered the social relationship between the genders, and not for the good. Sex is spoken of in terms more suited to describing sports or gambling. Since when has having intercourse been a form of "scoring" or "getting lucky"? Intercourse, the very word, means:

1: connection or dealings between persons or groups
2: exchange especially of thoughts or feelings :  communion
3: physical sexual contact between individuals that involves the genitalia of at least one person

Think about that, according to the Merriam Webster dictionary, as quoted above, sexual contact is the tertiary definition of the word intercourse. The definition references the word communion which is an act or instance of sharing. Do terms like scoring sound congruous with an act or instance of sharing?

I am fortunate to have figured this out, roughly 8 months into my reboot. I was frustrated and lonely. I felt very isolated and wanted female companionship badly. I gave thought to casual sex or even traveling to Nevada to a legal brothel but then I asked myself an important question; what did I really want? The answer surprised me; in a good way. I was horny, shaking with desire and ready to do something foolhardy but what I really wished for was to have a cup of coffee with a lady friend. That was it! No feeling up someone, no sexual escapades, simply the calming and socializing effect of spending time with a friendly woman; the word "friendly" is not a euphemism for anything sexual in this case. Simply stated, what I craved at that moment was not sexual intercourse but social intercourse.

Women provide an emotional counterbalance to our masculine personalities. We can see it all the time if we just take time to look. Even in our libertine era, men tend to be better behaved when women are around. Our language is usually a bit more refined and we control our behavior. It's not simply a matter of hoping for sex, we tend to be better behaved when we are around women that are off limits to us sexually, such as relatives, wives of friends, etc. Rowdy little boys have been known to become civilized in the presence of little girls, even when both are at an age where sexual desire is not normally present. The fact is, I, as a male, want to be approved of by females and I suspect that most females want to be approved of by males. I want to be approved of by women that are married and completely out of the dating market. I want to be approved of by females because that lets me know that there's hope for me to find the kind of long-term companionship that I need in my life . . . the kind of long-term companionship that we all need in our lives, because isolation is poison to the soul.

In every culture, marriage occurs. It exists in the bible belt, it exists in atheistic societies. It seems to be a barometer of the health of a civilization. In places where things are very bad, marriage and family seem to be in trouble. Boomtowns and mining camps are famed for prostitution and these places tend to be very short-lived, rarely developing into stable communities. OTOH, marriage and prosperity seem to coexist very well. I think it goes a lot deeper than just having a built-in sex partner. It's the moderating, civilizing effect that women have on us which is more important. Likewise, women benefit from a stable and loving partnership. The genders, when operating in an atmosphere of cooperation and love, tend to really help one another.

The "anything goes" morality of our day in age has gone a long way to erode trust between the genders. Many women feel that they must be on guard because they are the targets of guys just hoping to put another notch in the bedpost. A lot of men fear marriage because they know that divorce is very costly and, frequently, the male ends up moving out of the family home and starting over from scratch. It can be financially devastating. I speak from experience.

Sadly, the effect is estrangement and great social cost.

19
Whoa, whoa, whoa gents! The last thing any of us needs is a link to a trigger. I'm shutting this thread down.

LTE
Moderator

20
Porn Addiction / Re: A Brief Note on Pornosexuality
« on: February 27, 2015, 11:03:08 AM »
Great insights.

HumbleRich,

This is a very insightful post and thanks for sharing it with us!

Very good diagnosis on the addict's perspective, great comparison to healthy views.

One of the biggest challenges that I know I face is rewiring. Learning, from scratch, how to have a healthy sexuality. I was addicted years before having a gf, before having sex. I personally know that my sexuality is totally warped and all that you describe is absolutely my case.

Include heavy objectification of my wife. She is the love of my life. And yet I have a magnificent problem with objectification. On my part this issue is painful and wrenching for me, because my objectification turns also on negative points that is - in my objectifying addicted consciousness - particularly my wife's breast size.

It amazes how after so much reboot and effort this still is a problem for me. This shows just how humble I need to be towards my addiction. At a certain point in acting out I visited a lot of sites about breast augmentation, explaining to myself that this perfectly legit and normal. It is not. I wonder when will these thoughts go away. I really wish they would. They are a byproduct of my addiction and one of the few symptoms that I still feel and that really bothers me.

Yet I will not give up. I will fight this sh** to the end or I should rather say that I will LET myself be healed by abstaining from what I cannot control and doing the best in where I have control.

Thanks for sharing, once again. This was very spot on for me. If I could return you any favor, let me know.
The progress continues over time. I'm closing in on 800 days and I still am breaking new ground.

21
Success Stories / Re: 1 YEAR PMO FREE! - 5 tips to SUCCESS!! - MUST READ!
« on: February 13, 2015, 05:02:10 PM »
My son rejects God too. He has no reason to, he was raised as an adopted child and lived well. Then a girlfriend broke up with him and the drugs started and he blamed his adoption for his problems.

I have every reason to reject God; The loss of my career into a sales rep job started my wife seeing me as less than a man. Then I got fired. She then started to insult me and boss me around. sex got infrequent. After 3 years of being unemployed, she got more sexualy frigid and started to hide her body from me so that I rarely see her nude. Then she developed sexual pain. So, lets look at it. I pray for a good career, God not only takes it, but ruins the situation so I can't go back. Then from the loss of the career my wife sees me as a bit of a wimp and bosses me around. Then I get fired. Bosses me around more and disrespects me. Then she gets a job after a 1 week search. I hit the 5 year unemployed mark. She gets more disrespectful and then develops pain during sex. So, I have no sexuality to look forward to, no job to fill in the gap and my autistic son is gay and effeminate. I hate the life I've developed.
As for God? Other people have lost a lot more so what do I have to complain about? God will do what He will do.
I read a book recently entitled "Don't Blame God" by John W. Schoenheit. While I don't necessarily endorse every view that the author holds, I think that it helped me to see that God does not have a hand in everything that happens. I get frustrated by life's ups and downs at times and more than once I've blamed my loving Creator, but it's not His fault. We live in a flawed world, caused by sin and disobedience. The horrors I see all around as I read the news are upsetting, even disheartening, but that doesn't make the work of our Creator any less wondrous. In His time he will bring an end to the suffering; until then we must wait.

22
Women / Re: 19 y/o girl
« on: February 12, 2015, 02:15:05 PM »
You can get out of this, it just takes time. Try thinking in these terms; what you've done up to this point hasn't worked so don't fool yourself into thinking that it ever will. Masturbating to porn dulls us, plain and simple. It buries our sexuality under layer-upon-layer of fantasy.

Real world sex is different, as it should be. Find an emotionally fulfilling relationship and sex will work. There are no shortcuts.

23
STR I agree.  What binds us together is helping each other through all the times of our lives.  But when we feel rotten about ourselves, there is nothing more comforting than our lifemate that has our back.  Especially when they tell us all the good things they see in us and hold us while we figure it out.    I used to tell my boys you can have recreational sex or committed love sex, but I can tell you from experience the committed love sex is thousands of times better.
You said a mouthful there.

24
Young people today seem obsessed with figuring out how to have sex without becoming emotionally-attached to the person you're having sex with. It's amazing and sad to think about how everything in our culture today is telling people that the key to happiness is to "hook up" and have as much sex as possible without having all of the "baggage" of a committed long-term relationship or any "strings" attached.

The incredible irony is that the very things that get labeled "baggage" and "strings" are the things that actually make sex fulfilling and life-giving in the first place...
I agree completely.

25
I really enjoyed that. I have lived that very moment myself, when I was living separately from a woman (from whom I was later divorced) and having conjugal visits at her request. I came back to my apartment after one such visit and felt a profound sense of loneliness and emptiness that I find chilling to recall, even three decades later. I stopped the "conjugal visits" shortly thereafter feeling that if we couldn't get along well enough to share our living arrangements we certainly should not be sharing sex. Ever since, I have realized that a great night of sex is pretty meaningless if you don't share the same breakfast table.

Thanks for posting this, STR.

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