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Messages - WeakbutHopeful

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Women / Starting Over Again
« on: March 27, 2018, 06:27:34 PM »
You know how recovering drug addicts say that they will always have the disease, no matter how many years they go without using?  That they will always be drug addicts and susceptible to relapse?  That's how I feel.

I'm 25 now and first saw porn in like 5th grade.  That means more than half my life has had porn in it.  Wow.

Thank God, I definitely use a lot less now.  I am definitely a lot happier, not depressed and anxious and always lonely like before.  But I still relapse, and I still feel like my brain is not totally healed.

I struggle with two ways of combating addiction.  When I'm busy living my life, I can go days without thinking or caring about porn, and so I think "out of sight, out of mind" and I don't do anything to really try to fight the problem.  I just think, as long as I'm productive, the more days I go without using, the weaker the desire gets.  But then relapse just creeps up on me.

The second way of combating addiction is actively reading about it, actively trying to fight it, but then I feel like porn is always on my mind and that just makes me feel worse or more likely to use again.

Anyone else experience this?

What I hate the most is my apathy for life and my unproductiveness.  I don't know whether I have a mental issue or whether this is all porn induced, but I guess I really need to try to eliminate porn either way.  I feel like my life is going no where because I can't focus energy on a specific task for a sustained period of time.  My career is going nowhere, I keep switching what I want to do, I'm not making much money.

I realize that I have to go into a 90 day fast with the expectation that I will relapse.  But how often is a forgivable amount, I do not know.

Women / Re: I will be great.
« on: March 27, 2018, 06:16:52 PM »
Hi;  I am new here and like you I went 6 weeks and then 5 days without porn and then thought to myself "well I am only reading/writing  a story, it is good for my brain" and then FAIL!  I am really excited in thinking of porn as junk food; that is something that really turns me off to a huge degree and just saying it over and over is helping, I can feel it.  Maybe it is just me, but maybe it can work for you too, you can only try.  I also try subliminal beats on youtube, they seem to help also, I am currently using the one by Matrix99.

My wife works tomorrow, a sure trigger for me to fail but instead I am already planning on getting out my guitar and recording stuff and laying down some songs.

Anyway, just wanted to try and help, maybe it will work for you and if not well nothing really lost.

Keep up the fight, YOU WILL GREAT!

Thanks so much for the tips and encouragement!!

Women / Day 1 - Success
« on: May 01, 2017, 11:03:47 PM »
Well, Day 1 down.  89 more to go.

Kept myself busy with reading and working, and then saw a friend after work.

Women / Re: I will be great.
« on: May 01, 2017, 11:02:02 PM »
Thanks bob!  I am happy it's reduced!

I'm excited to see how my energy and motivation levels improve.

Women / Re: I will be great.
« on: May 01, 2017, 01:28:30 PM »
Recommitting to a PMO-free life.

It's been two years since I've posted on here, porn is still part of my life but I think much less so.

I graduated from college, got a job, have been immersing myself in my interests, dating around to find a good man.

What is on my mind right now/my main motivation for returning to the forum:

PMO has a negative affect on my romantic relationships.  In my last relationship, my boyfriend and I were having sex, but he could never make me orgasm.  I would have to masturbate to orgasm and think about all these pornographic images.  At first he thought there was something wrong with him, that he couldn't turn me on, but I'm sure eventually he thought there was something wrong with me.  It was really embarrassing. 

Now I'm with someone else that I really see a future with.  We aren't having sex, but in the future I really don't want my pmo addiction affecting our relationship.  I want to be able to be stimulated by a real human!!

I can't believe PMO has had a hold on my life for so long.  Will this demon ever be conquered??  I guess all I can do is commit to 90 days and see what happens.

Wish me luck.


Success Stories / Re: 6 Month with No Porn!
« on: July 04, 2015, 11:30:59 PM »
Wow, thank you for giving the rest of us hope.  Nothing is more encouraging than reading posts like this.  God is with you as you continue your journey!


Women / Re: J- breaking painful silence
« on: June 30, 2015, 10:49:40 AM »
"I might be a lot more depressed than I am aware, because of the lack of PMO....and this is good! It's progress, but I don't know what to do."

YESS!!! I love how you see the bad days as a good sign of progress.  I keep telling myself I need to have that mentality on bad days.

You sound like such a resilient person J, and one who is truly trying to become the woman God has meant her to be.  God is with you always and is constantly there to help, we just need to truly believe that.

I hope today is a good day for you!

Women / Re: I will be great.
« on: June 30, 2015, 10:17:56 AM »
Hey J!

Wow its so surreal actually having a conversation with someone about this.  Yeah I agree, there is a lot of shame regarding sexuality for women, that we are not supposed to be lustful and if we are something is horribly wrong with us.  But doubly hard for women like us is the fact that the cultural reaction we are seeing to this type of oppression is going in the complete opposite direction--normalize promiscuity, make women watching porn and masturbating just as normal and acceptable.  If you choose not to do those things, you are accepting oppression and and repressing your sexuality.

Wow that's amazing you were able to talk to your sister about it.  What benefits will there be in telling your parents/mom?  Just my perspective--I believe premarital sex is wrong but I lost my virginity a few years ago, and when I confessed it to my father of confession, I told him I wish I could be open about my experience so other people could learn from it.  But he said no, this is your personal life, no need to ruin your image and make this a part of who you are when its not a part of you at all, esp since I already repented and wanted to move on.  He said when you speak about chastity, others will sense your honesty even without knowing your history.  Of course that's just my two cents, don't know if the same advice will apply to your situation.

Steps I've taken when I feel an onset--really, nothing.  I've tried a few things, most just distracted me for a few minutes, but when I'm possessed to watch, it's like nothing stops me.  I think what has been effective is calling a friend to talk or going out to distract me, but those aren't sustainable methods.  I think I've also logged in to yourbrainonporn and it helped let the storm pass.  What are your suggestions?

I will definitely check out Hitz.  Thank you so much for the recommendation!

Thank you so much for the kind words J.  I think it's important we remember that pmo is not a part of us.  We are an unlucky bunch to have been exposed and hooked, but so much luckier to decide to quit and find each other here on this supportive network.

Also, congrats on 58 days!!!

Success Stories / Re: mind fucked
« on: June 28, 2015, 06:17:30 PM »
Apology accepted for previous smoking statement =P

That's amazing that you've gone two months.  Man I can't wait to reach that far!!!

Here's some encouragement for quitting smoking as well, even while you're on this journey to quit pmo:

1) I'm actually taking a class called "Drugs and Human Behavior" right now, and basically both pmo and smoking hijack your dopamine system.  They are doing the same thing to your brain, of giving you this rush of dopamine that no natural stimulus could possibly do, and thereby making you addicted.  They are also what cause you to grow tolerant, and constantly need more and more pmo/smoking just to even feel normal (this is called maintenance) let alone feel good again.  Your brain wants a dopamine release, whether from pmo or smoking.  If you're quitting pmo but still smoking, the rewiring of the pathway is just going to be extra slow.  Quitting both means that you are super depriving yourself of pleasure, but that also means that you will cut the addiction to both in half the time.

On the days when you feel the most depressed/anxious/want to relapse, just remember that that is your brain screaming for more, and that means that you are RECOVERING!! Believe it or not, but the worst days = sign that best days are coming.  Just think of it that way.

2) This is a list of all the good things that happen to your body on your journey to quit smoking.  Maybe you can print it out and keep it in your pocket, and look at it when you start to crave:

After quitting smoking, within ...

•  20 minutes

Your blood pressure, pulse rate and the temperature of your hands and feet have returned to normal.

•  8 hours

Remaining nicotine in your bloodstream will have fallen to 6.25% of normal peak daily levels, a 93.75% reduction.

•  12 hours

Your blood oxygen level will have increased to normal and carbon monoxide levels will have dropped to normal.

•  24 hours

Anxieties have peaked in intensity and within two weeks should return to near pre-cessation levels.

•  48 hours

Damaged nerve endings have started to regrow and your sense of smell and taste are beginning to return to normal. Cessation anger and irritability will have peaked.

•  72 hours

Your entire body will test 100% nicotine-free and over 90% of all nicotine metabolites (the chemicals it breaks down into) will now have passed from your body via your urine.  Symptoms of chemical withdrawal have peaked in intensity, including restlessness. The number of cue induced crave episodes experienced during any quitting day will peak for the "average" ex-user. Lung bronchial tubes leading to air sacs (alveoli) are beginning to relax in recovering smokers. Breathing is becoming easier and the lung's functional abilities are starting to increase.

•  5 - 8 days

The "average" ex-smoker will encounter an "average" of three cue induced crave episodes per day. Although we may not be "average" and although serious cessation time distortion can make minutes feel like hours, it is unlikely that any single episode will last longer than 3 minutes. Keep a clock handy and time them.

•  10 days

10 days - The "average" ex-user is down to encountering less than two crave episodes per day, each less than 3 minutes.

•  10 days to 2 weeks

Recovery has likely progressed to the point where your addiction is no longer doing the talking. Blood circulation in your gums and teeth are now similar to that of a non-user.

•  2 to 4 weeks

Cessation related anger, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, impatience, insomnia, restlessness and depression have ended. If still experiencing any of these symptoms get seen and evaluated by your physician.

•  21 days

Brain acetylcholine receptor counts that were up-regulated in response to nicotine's presence have now down-regulated and receptor binding has returned to levels seen in the brains of non-smokers.

•  2 weeks to 3 months

Your heart attack risk has started to drop. Your lung function is beginning to improve.

•  3 weeks to 3 months

Your circulation has substantially improved. Walking has become easier. Your chronic cough, if any, has likely disappeared. If not, get seen by a doctor, and sooner if at all concerned, as a chronic cough can be a sign of lung cancer.

•  8 weeks

Insulin resistance in smokers has normalized despite average weight gain of 2.7 kg (1997 study).

•  1 to 9 months

Any smoking related sinus congestion, fatigue or shortness of breath have decreased. Cilia have regrown in your lungs, thereby increasing their ability to handle mucus, keep your lungs clean and reduce infections. Your body's overall energy has increased.

•  1 year

Your excess risk of coronary heart disease, heart attack and stroke have dropped to less than half that of a smoker.

•  5 years

Your risk of a subarachnoid haemorrhage has declined to 59% of your risk while still smoking (2012 study). If a female ex-smoker, your risk of developing diabetes is now that of a non-smoker (2001 study).

•  5 to 15 years

Your risk of stroke has declined to that of a non-smoker.

•  10 years

Your risk of being diagnosed with lung cancer is between 30% and 50% of that for a continuing smoker (2005 study). Risk of death from lung cancer has declined by almost half if you were an average smoker (one pack per day).  Risk of cancer of the mouth, throat, esophagus and pancreas have declined. Risk of developing diabetes for both men and women is now similar to that of a never-smoker (2001 study).

•  13 years

The average smoker able to live to age 75 has 5.8 fewer teeth than a non-smoker (1998 study). But by year 13 after quitting, your risk of smoking induced tooth loss has declined to that of a never-smoker (2006 study).

•  15 years

Your risk of coronary heart disease is now that of a person who has never smoked. Your risk of pancreatic cancer has declined to that of a never-smoker (2011 study - but note 2nd pancreatic making identical finding at 20 years).

•  20 years

Female excess risk of death from all smoking related causes, including lung disease and cancer, has now reduced to that of a never-smoker (2008 study). Risk of pancreatic cancer reduced to that of a never-smoker (2011 study).

Best of luck to you!!!


Success Stories / Re: 90 Days and now for life
« on: June 28, 2015, 06:01:23 PM »
That's amazing.  I can't wait to reach 99 days.  It feels impossible right now.  But I guess I have to keep chugging along.

All of those improvements are amazing and I'm so happy you're feeling better in every way.  You sound like a guy with an incredibly attractive personality =]


Hey Achilles!

Love the name of your journal =] I like how you organized your first post and color coded it too.  Wow, you story is really inspiring.  You will pull through from all you've been through, and eventually the bad memories (even of that one encounter) WILL fade.  We are all in this together!  And I guess we are all here to remind each other than we are all only human.  Anyone can fall prey to this dysfunction.

I usually feel irritable too.  I think I honestly hate that feeling the most.  It's just this itching that won't go away.

Oh man, the memory problems!  I have always had an amazing memory, but recently when I've been forgetting things people tell me, it was such a horrible wake up call.  I never ever want my memory to go away.

When your internet is back, feel free to message me!

Hope the week goes by okay!


Women / I will be great.
« on: June 28, 2015, 05:22:41 PM »
My Journal
June 28, 2015

My story:
I am a 22 year old female who has been addicted to porn since age 12.  You can call me Rebeka (not my real name).  I've always hated porn and have always been struggling to get rid of this addiction.  The way I started...well, I had pretty low self esteem at that age, going through puberty, all self conscious and all, and I had a boyfriend.  He did not treat me well, and it was not a fulfilling relationship, but I stayed with him since I was desperate for the attention.  He would always talk about sexual things and would talk about how he loved porn.  Eventually he cheated on me and I finally left him.  I was really lonely, and so I decided to look up some porn.  That is where it all started.  I am desperate for help, and usually I have my own personal journal, but I need to go public and consistently communicate with others to really cut the habit.

What makes me relapse:
Recently I've been pretty proactive in cutting the habit.  I usually relapse after a week.  A week feels like forever, and I usually see an increase in energy and mood after not using for a I delude myself into thinking that I'm not as addicted anymore.  It is usually when 1) I am bored, 2) overwhelmed, 3) can't fall asleep at night and am using it to numb me back to sleep, 4) if I wake up super tired and lethargic and just don't want to get out of bed.

How it makes me feel:
PMO has ruined my life.  But nobody knows about my problem, except for my father of confession, and even he I avoid going to now and avoid being honest with.  Everyone thinks I am this super put together girl. I am fit, attractive, smart, and a great friend.  But no one knows about this problem that has been eating away at my life.  People see me as this super smart and self disciplined person, but they don't know that I almost failed out of high school, lost my college scholarship, and again almost failed out of college.  No one knows that I am constantly depressed for no reason, constantly feel lonely, constantly unmotivated, constantly feel overwhelmed and anxious about even the smallest responsibilities.

I suppose addicts of anything always have an element of denial in their minds that will never really leave them until they recover.  I am in denial that all of these problems are due to my porn addiction, though it has been a part of basically half of my life that I do not even know who I really am apart from it.

After I do it, it sucks the energy out of me.  I feel physically weak and lethargic, like I'm in a haze, and it basically ruins the rest of the day.

But, I will be great.  I will be free, and I will be able to finally meet the Rebeka God has always intended me to be.  God help me, and help us all.  This is my journey.

June 29, 2015 - Day 1

This was yesterday, so I'm journaling late.  No relapse thank God.  This community is so freeing.  I really like the counter too, it's so encouraging constantly seeing the green bar go up, I don't want to ruin my progress.

But today was a good day.  It's always easy not to pmo when I'm busy and spending time with friends and having a good day.  It will be on the bad days that it will be really hard.  I think I just need to start being more organized with my time.

June 30, 2015 - Day 2
No PMO thank God.

July 1, 2015 - Day 3
No PMO!  I got my period so was just really tired all day, had a headache most of the day.  Otherwise I was pretty busy.  Had to drive a friend to get some nose surgery and hung out with him for a while, then went to the gym.  Now I have to study.

I've been in a good mood lately.  I've been pretty busy, spending time with friends and doing school work.  It's also summertime, I wonder whether the weather really strongly affects my mood or not.

I just want to be back to my normal happy and super motivated self.  I don't want flourishing in my life and talents to feel like a chore.  And I especially don't want other unavoidable obligations to feel like a chore, like paperwork and bills and stuff.  I just want to be a mature individual.  I want to love God again, I don't have the same spark I used to, that really loved God and wanted to fill my life with Him.

I'm almost half way to the goal of going more than a week without it.  I'm loving reboot nation.  Even though it seems impossible right now to live without P/M/O, I guess when every day I see other people on here who have done it, it starts to become more and more believable that I can do it too.

July 2-July 4 - Day 4-6
Still no PMO, since I've just been out of the house and spending a lot of time with other people.

July 5 - Day 7
Fail =[  I relapsed today.  I guess got overconfident.  For some reason, Sunday nights have ALWAYS been very PMO prone for me.  I really need to structure this time to stay out of the house and stay very very busy.  But I guess I can't have the attitude that all of my efforts went to waste, since any day spent PMO-free is a day well spent.

July 6 - Day 8
No PMO.  YAY!  Back on track, set the goal to 2 weeks now so I don't get overly ambitious the moment I hit a week.

July 11 - Day 13
Fail :-(

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