Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Messages - Jamielc17

Pages: [1]
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Smoke and mirrors
« on: September 12, 2015, 06:27:07 AM »
Hi all.

Thank you so much for the responses. I read and re-read them. They give me a little bit of hope in trying to understand and comprehend all of this.

This is all still new for us (well, me, since discovering I'm a partner to someone PA). I discovered in April of this year what was truly going on. Some facts are: it happened all during his first marriage and it picked right back up with me 5 months after we got engaged. We've only been married almost two years.
After I found out, I started counceling because it felt like I was losing my mind. The man I trusted! He went with me a few times.
So, he has not 100% acknowledged his problem with me or said YES, I'm doing a reboot. My first post "married to a sex addict and hobbyist" has a lot more info.
So lastnight, he was not interested in sex. He had worked outside all day clearing land and was badly dehydrated. I get it. But I can't help but wonder. So I said, "we're you good today?" And he said of course, he always is now since shit hit the fan. I asked when was the last time? He couldn't answer. He said, "I don't even know when..... how long has it been since this all came about? We weren't going to counceling in the winter We're we?"
After all we have been thru over this? Really??
Ugh! We did counceling June - August of this year! And maybe I'm hot headed over this but I feel like for such a HUGE deal, a make or break type thing, if he were DEAD serious about "being good" wouldn't he know an exact date or something really close to it for when the last time he PMO? Like when did the alcoholic have his last drink? They always know. I can't buy the I don't know business. This is kind of what I mean about smoke and mirrors :/ Sometimes I think it's it's all a big joke to him. It doesn't make any sense and Cleary I'm kidding myself if I think he's serious about getting better.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: This, is what it is!
« on: September 05, 2015, 09:13:27 AM »
Amen to that. We stay and fight for our relationships for all the right reasons, and desire to see this through. It is SO hard. I had always heard of PA and SA and, wondered how on Earth is that even possible, like don't people have a life? Now, here I am as a partner. It's worse than anything I have ever personally experienced in my life and some days it would be so easy to just say ... f*** this! It be peace of mind. But here we are weathering the storm.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Smoke and mirrors
« on: August 27, 2015, 02:26:16 PM »
Thanks hoopvol. You have great advise and I for one appreciate all you've said. I keep up with the forum and have watched most all the videos. Feel like I understand SO much about what is going on with him. More than he does I think. I've learned a ton. I'm just confused I guess with all the lovey dovey things. Sure it's nice to hear but I find myself doubting all of those things he says and the timing. Feeling like it's a little bit of the facade. This is why I was hoping to have some of the guys chime in too. Did you ever do this to your wife after she discovered your secret.... but before YOU fully realized that there was a very real problem?

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Smoke and mirrors
« on: August 27, 2015, 12:25:27 PM »
I'm not sure if this is a question for the partners or the rebooters or, both. Is there any way to get passed the "not believing a word he says?"

Since I discovered his addiction, which he has not fully admitted to it being that, everday is just different as you all know. A struggle. We try but obviously our relationship is different. For this question I am specifically talking about his constant admiration of me. He always tells me I'm beautiful, he thinks I'm perfect, when a pretty woman walks by he'll just look at me lovingly. I feel like it's all just smoke and mirrors. He tells me these things only to try and ease my mind, for one. And two, to deflect what he's done or what he's really thinking when the pretty lady walks by. Honestly, in my heart, I feel (crazy as it sounds) like he may be catching himself thinking dirty thoughts about just a random passerby, so thenBOOM, gives me the love and admiration that we all desire by saying sweet beautiful things to me. Does this make any sense?
Any advise? For me? I'm very emotional over all this.


Do you have a partner or friend that  can help you with that? I would have to agree, setting it up yourself would be defeating the purpose. I use a program on my home pc (wireless router) that I set up for my husband but only I can make adjustments. It's not fail proof but works for us right now.

There usually is a way to adjust your browser settings to filter out "adult" content. You can block those specific sites.

Chicka, thank you. I'm here to learn and hopefully him as well. It's been devastating and taken quite some time but do believe we've found the right place.

Hi everyone, my name is Jamie. I'm new to this site and fairly new to realizing I'm the partner of a sex addict.

I've read thru several of the topics posted here and I do believe this is where we belong right now. I'm trying to become more educated on the entire thing in general and, of course, how to be supportive and understanding. That is my biggest challenge.

About nine months after we were married, I got a random text to my phone from his ex wife (never heard much from her otherwise), telling me that he is addicted to contacting women online and so on, so on. I had heard from my husband early on that when they first split (5 years ago) she had told his family a lot of things about him but they were all untrue, eh hmm.

It didn't bother me at first because my husband is a true gentleman. He is kind, compassionate, wonderful step father to my daughters, he has shown me SO much love and never, ever let me down. But ultimately I caved over her statements to me. I wondered, woman to woman, why she'd take the time to tell me that for NO reason at all. And I was right to cave. It was all true. Every bit of it and then some.

In October I discovered, thru my own searches of a username I got wind of, a couple profiles on dating sites looking for nsa relationships. Also, a lot of pictures of him. Naked and masturbating. Apparently, when you go on certain sites and turn your webcam on, they can capture stills and then at least three dozen other third party sites for the same purpose, pick them up. There were a lot of them. I confronted him and he denied any wrong doings going on NOW. Assured me they were old and had loveless previous relationship, etc. etc. And that during that time he was not really ready, nor had time to meet people in real life. Okay?

So, in Feb I'm still so curious about this and search again using the same names, (now I know a couple more from the first search). I opened his computer and discovered Skype on there, and when I pressed the mouse at username, it autofilled and I died inside. I come up with MORE stuff this time. In fact, NEWER, very recent pictures of him - again the same type of stills from the webcam site. So I realize he's still up to it. Now, I just feel dumb and confronted him again. He said nothing this time though, except for he was sorry. I got really mad and kind of lost my cool over this. Really all I'm thinking is WOW... he's a damn good liar. It pissed me off because it was not the man I knew. Far from it.  Here's where things begin to add up for me (Hindsight). He did admit in an awkward way that he was very concerned about his -HIS WORDS- inability to keep an erection. I've never had ONE complaint, haha. But I knew he had used Viagra, he just never told me. So, during this second time, he found a 'sex therapist' online to teach him techniques to maintain and keep one. Only now does he also admit to taking Viagra but said he never liked how it made him feel so he didn't use it. Okay?

Fast forward for the last time to April, when I am searching again. My trust for him is out the window at this point and things just don't add up to me. Once again, I find more stuff. An abundance MORE, more than I bargained for. Twitter account following hundreds of camgirls, almost every webcam site, paypal accounts, purchases for shows, pics, phone sex, multiple email accounts, craigslist, backpage, constantly looking up phone numbers to search for info on women, accounts to find fwb that had been created AFTER our discussion in Feb. Even an account at a popular provider review site if you know what I mean, where they are called 'hobbyists'. So I confronted him AGAIN and actually did it by making him log into his pay pal account in front of me. He knew he was doomed.

After all of this there are a few things I know: He had a lengthy previous history with paying for sex - before me, that he cannot own up to. With me, I'm not sure but not going to be naive about it. I cannot prove anything there. He WAS taking his viagra because he refilled it all thru out last year and I'm convinced he took it only for his online activities. (I mean, if he's so concerned about ED, fapping should cure that, right?  >:( ) I discovered that while he traveled about an hour out of town one time last year to see his mother in the hospital, he made a pit stop after he left and withdrew about $200. I don't know what happened for sure but it's pretty bad when you use your mother being in the hospital as an opportunity to be sneaky.

It's been lie, after lie, after lie, after LIE. I realize you partners know this and to the best of my understanding that's part of being an addict. I do not know for sure but, believe he is a sex addict in general, and addicted to porn. Maybe they're one in the same. What is it?? Now that I know his history (straight from the computer) it was day in and day out of the same thing .... looking up women to view pics, looking for women who do skype shows, watching porn, combing thru craigslist and back page with a fine tooth comb, etc.

We have gone to counseling a few times, and he goes with me. I am concerned that it's a little bit a part of the facade. This is a man who, otherwise, you'd have NO idea this was going on. Many of us share that I think. He's contradicted himself on some things trying to explain this but he's been patient with my ranting and raving over this. He continues to assure me that is changed now and realizes what he was doing and how it impacted us. He says he's changed now cause he knows I'm done. I try to encourage him and in fact, sent him an article lastnight from wholehearedmasculine that featured a video from Gabe (I know now:). He was receptive to it. And it's where I found this site.

From all the ways I've become educated about this now, I realize it's a LONG journey and doesn't happen overnight. Little scared for him because he wants to and says he can quit cold turkey (we have parental controls on pc, but that has not stopped him). Im concerned he's just setting himself up for failure if he doesn't get real about it and then I will be out the door. I do feel like he's had plenty of opportunity to straighten things out (this has been going on now, for a LONG time and long before me). But like I said, we talked about this reboot. He says he's rebooting. I don't believe him at all but I want to.

Thank you for listening to my story. Trying to say positive.

Pages: [1]