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Messages - Trying2Survive

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Journal Entry 10: Wednesday, June 14, 2015  8:36am Day 44

I haven't posted here in quite while, so I thought I would check in and update my journal with my progress. So far its been going great. I haven't had any major urges or anything. Although I have noticed an increase of wet dreams the past couple of weeks. All the dreams have been about porn. Which is no surprise to me, it's probably my brain craving what I haven't given it for a month and a half now.

I still have a web blocker on my computer so I have no access to porn what so ever. However, I have downloaded a dating app recently. I'm already thinking about deleting it because I believe a dating app could be a major trigger for me. I have to be carful about that. During the day I try to surround my self around people and its great. The issue is when I get home and I'm by my self, I just get so damn lonely and want to talk to someone. Thats the reason I downloaded the app. I guess I have to try to find something else that can consume my time.

Lastly, me and a close friend of mine have started talking about opening up business here in the city. Hopefully, the amount of work I have to put in to get the store ready will consume enough of my time that I won't have any time left for anything else. I sure hope it works out that way.



Did I use porn today?
No.

What were my triggers?
A possible trigger could be the dating app that I just downloaded on my phone. I have to be careful with that.

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
I'm finding that I really enjoy being around people. It really does help with my anxiety.

What am I grateful for today?
I'm grateful that in 45 days I haven't masturbated or even really thought about porn. Everything is going great so far. Lets hope it continues that way.

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Women / Re: J- breaking painful silence
« on: July 03, 2015, 12:05:27 AM »
Hey J,

Just stopping by to congratulate you on your 60 days!!! Hope all is well. Keep it up!

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Journal Entry 9: Friday, June 26, 2015  11:38pm Day 26

I'm just going to keep this short and sweet because I have to get to bed to do volunteer work for a local shelter tomorrow. I didn't post anything since Wednesday because I went into a short depression about my situation, but I'm in good spirits now and I'm still clean of PMO!

Did I use porn today?
No.

What were my triggers?
I noticed one of my triggers is having my phone with me when I'm lying in bed. I caught my self picking it up and trying to look up pictures on twitter, K9 web protection doesn't block that site, of some of P stars I use to enjoy watching. Luckily I caught my self early enough so I didn't see or read anything P related and just tossed my phone on the ground away from me. This trigger makes sense to me because thats when I use to watch all my P was when I was lying in bed. From now on, I'm keeping my phone away from where I sleep so that this doesn't happen again. Plus I blocked all social media sites.

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
Keeping busy and hanging around friends.

What am I grateful for today?
Today I logged in and saw a message from someone that replied to one of my "rant" journals and for some reason it made me smile and  happy to read their response. They really gave me some good advice, encouragement, and the motivation that I needed so desperately at the time. I'm grateful for that person taking the time out their day to help a total stranger and relighting the light at the end of tunnel for me. Thank you!

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Journal Entry 7: Tuesday, June 23, 2015  11:15pm Day 22[/]
Today in particular was just so weird because I've never had urges come on so quick and strong. It almost made me lose focus of my goals. Was I really craving to watch a P star I've been so infatuated with the last couple of years? I wonder if this is a symptom of withdrawal?  It sure seemed like it.  I've done 5 months with no PMO before, but I'm only 22 days this time around and it felt like I was going to give in to my addiction again. I keep telling my self its only been 22 days and I almost threw it away to enjoy couple of minutes of fake pleasure. 22 days was almost thrown down the drain, and the shitty thing is I know its only get harder as time goes on. Its things like this that really get me sad and depressed. I mean what in the actual fuck have I done to my mind? Am I going to be like this forever? For god sake I'm 31, very soon to be 32, who the hell would ever want to marry me or even be with me. I know I sure wouldn't want to. I just want to say fuck it, nothings ever going to change and go back to my old ways.

Read your story and just like most people here, sounds like my own. I remember trying to quit on my own before. I went 3 months straight, never thought about it then one day BAM! Out of no where it hit me hard. The difference back then and now is that absolutely no one knew. After a major relapse and feeling my life was worthless, I knew I had to do something drastic, something I had never done before, because by my own strength I wasn't cutting it.

I joined this forum and opened up for the first time ever about it. That did a change. Then about a month later I gathered up the strength and opened up to my only sibling. It was scary considering the next shocker: we are both Christians and what came next was her revealing to me she had been struggling with the same thing.

This addiction doesn't discrimate. People of all walks of life are here ready to hear each other out and support one another, which is the point I am alluding to, you have to be determined enough to just not give up and focus on your victories no matter how small.

I want to congratulate you on 24 days. Yes, there will be withdrawal and usually those first 20 or so days are the hardest. But if you really want to beat this you can't do it alone and it might help you immensely to have an accountability partner. Someone whom you can trust to not only keep you honest with yourself and ask those hard questions but someone that you know will respect your privacy and not disclose what you share.  Either a close friend or family you can trust.

We are all here to help and provide much needed support, but it is definitely something worth considering for your health. I must add though that this is one of those steps you do when you have A: identified someone. It's not worth diving into until you feel ready. Also a counselor may be beneficial if you have no one that comes to mind.

Although I have opened up to my sis, I am also in process of opening up to a close friend that I know will be supportive mostly because this person is very good at not talking about anyone else, which is key. If you have 5 friends and all of them are blabber mouths forget it.

The one thing I will say that others gave me advice on here is that you have to tell yourself that no matter what, "porn is not an option anymore".  As I approach my first goal of 60 days without it, although I had an MO relapse a little over a week ago, I have not viewed any porn. And this is important because when you have a relapse due to PMO, the images are fresh and stay with you for awhile. Although I MO'd the last time it was very different. The mind images were very vague and weak, which I am most confident that it will be very hard for there to be a next time.

Whatever you do, be determined not to feed that visual memory bank. It will get better and even when you feel better there will be moments that suddenly the images come up. Create some new positive habits that you can reinforce when that happens. Keep notes of what may have happened during the day that may have triggered so you can avoid them.

You can do this. There are members here that have been over a year clean. And when you hear that thought that tells you "why bother"  just remember you can choose to talk back at it. It's a lie in order to get that fix.

Hey J, thank you so much for taking the time to read my journal. Your reply actually made my night. I appreciate the advice and the encouragement, I really do. Thank you! Thank god I didn't do anything stupid after I wrote that journal that night. I'm still clean and counting!

 I really thought about the advice you gave about a accountability partner. I think it would really help to keep me in line and focused. I think the hardest part for me is trying to build enough courage to tell someone close to me about my addiction. I've always been independent and have always tried to resolve my issues on my own. I feel if I told someone that I would just be throwing my problem on someone else's lap. I know, it's stupid to think like that but its always been the type of person I've been. Plus I would be super scared about their reaction and what they would think of me afterwards. I guess that's why in your reply you mentioned to make sure that I'm ready and to only tell someone I really trust. I'm definitely considering it now. Do you think finding a accountability partner on here would work?

Anyways, I read some of your posts and i want to congratulate you on being so brave opening up to your own sister about your addiction. Your family sounds exactly like mine, very conservative. That must of felt so damn good to have all that weight lifted off your shoulders. I know you're going to hit the 60 day mark. I KNOW you can do it. I'm rooting for you!!!


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Journal Entry 8: Wednesday, June 24, 2015  9:38pm Day 24

Feeling a little bit better than yesterday. Nothing really new to report. All my urges went away when I went to bed.

Did I use porn today?
No.

What were my triggers?
None

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
Keeping my self busy by working on my startup business.

What am I grateful for today?
I'm grateful that I was able to overcome what happened yesterday. I can tell this journey that I'm going to be taking is going to test my limits. I'm really learning a lot about my self as I'm rebooting. Its actually refreshing.

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Journal Entry 7: Tuesday, June 23, 2015  11:15pm Day 22

Today started good but ended kinda rough. From 10am to 8pm I was hanging out with a friend and helping him around his shop all day. Everything went great, until I left to go home. While I was driving home i was getting urges again. For a good few minutes, I was thinking about past P scenes with a  particular P star I use to love watching. I was getting upset with my self because every time I tried to think about something else, it would comeback a couple of minutes later. This went on for a good 10 minutes. I even picked up my phone when I was stopped at a red light to see if I can find quick pictures of her. Luckily, I have K9 web protection installed and wasn't able to pull up any. Finally, I tossed my phone on the seat next to me so I couldn't reach it while I was driving. The urges finally went away but came back when I got home. I quickly came on to RebootNation to try to take my mind off of it and luckily it worked. Reading stories on here really helped me to stay focused.

Today in particular was just so weird because I've never had urges come on so quick and strong. It almost made me lose focus of my goals. Was I really craving to watch a P star I've been so infatuated with the last couple of years? I wonder if this is a symptom of withdrawal?  It sure seemed like it.  I've done 5 months with no PMO before, but I'm only 22 days this time around and it felt like I was going to give in to my addiction again. I keep telling my self its only been 22 days and I almost threw it away to enjoy couple of minutes of pleasure. 22 days was almost thrown down the drain, and the shitty thing is I know its only get harder as time goes on. Its things like this that really get me sad and depressed. I mean what in the actual fuck have I done to my mind? Am I going to be like this forever? For god sake I'm 31, very soon to be 32, who the hell would ever want to marry me or even be with me. I sure wouldn't want to. I just want to say fuck it, nothings ever going to change and go back to my old ways.


Did I use porn today?
No.

What were my triggers?
Out of no where had strong urges come on for no reason. Picked up my phone to search pictures but did not succeed because of a web blocker. I can't think of any triggers that might of started the urges I had. Very odd.

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
Coming on RebootNation to read stories.

What am I grateful for today?
......

Ok well, I didn't expect to write so much on today's post. I began this post by saying "today started good but ended kinda rough", but in reality tonight, while I was writing this post, I realized  I made my night even shittier. Looking back and re-reading what I just wrote, I just don't like the person who I am. I think I just need to quit writing and go to bed before I do something stupid that I'm going to regret tomorrow.

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Journal Entry 7: Tuesday, June 23, 2015  11:15pm Day 22

Today started good but ended kinda rough. From 10am to 8pm I was hanging out with a friend and helping him around his shop all day. Everything went great, until I left to go home. While I was driving home i was getting urges again. For a good few minutes, I was thinking about past P scenes with a  particular P star I use to love watching. I was getting upset with my self because every time I tried to think about something else, it would comeback a couple of minutes later. This went on for a good 10 minutes. I even picked up my phone when I was stopped at a red light to see if I can find quick pictures of her. Luckily, I have K9 web protection installed and wasn't able to pull up any. Finally, I tossed my phone on the seat next to me so I couldn't reach it while I was driving. The urges finally went away but came back when I got home. I quickly came on to RebootNation to try to take my mind off of it and luckily it worked. Reading stories on here really helped me to stay focused.

Today in particular was just so weird because I've never had urges come on so quick and strong. It almost made me lose focus of my goals. Was I really craving to watch a P star I've been so infatuated with the last couple of years? I wonder if this is a symptom of withdrawal?  It sure seemed like it.  I've done 5 months with no PMO before, but I'm only 22 days this time around and it felt like I was going to give in to my addiction again. I keep telling my self its only been 22 days and I almost threw it away to enjoy couple of minutes of fake pleasure. 22 days was almost thrown down the drain, and the shitty thing is I know its only get harder as time goes on. Its things like this that really get me sad and depressed. I mean what in the actual fuck have I done to my mind? Am I going to be like this forever? For god sake I'm 31, very soon to be 32, who the hell would ever want to marry me or even be with me. I know I sure wouldn't want to. I just want to say fuck it, nothings ever going to change and go back to my old ways.


Did I use porn today?
No.

What were my triggers?
Out of no where had strong urges come on for no reason. Picked up my phone to search pictures but did not succeed because of a web blocker. I can't think of any triggers that might of started the urges I had. Very odd.

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
Coming on RebootNation to read stories.

What am I grateful for today?
......

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Journal Entry 6: Monday, June 23, 2015  12:37am Day 21

I'm writing this pretty late and should be in bed right now so I'm gonna make this really brief. I felt good all day. Once again kept my self busy helping and hanging out with my friend at his shop. Today I had an idea to start a new business, hence why up so late. The next few days will be very interesting.

Did I use porn today?
No.

What were my triggers?
No new triggers.

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
Being around friends.

What am I grateful for today?
I'm grateful to be living in a time and place where opportunity is so great and open 24/7 to anyone willing to reach out and grab it. "Work hard in silence and let your success be your noise"

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Journal Entry 5: Sunday, June 21, 2015  8:56pm Day 20

Nothing new. Just checking in. Visiting this website daily reminds me what my ultimate goal is, quit porn forever to be a better person.

Did I use porn today?
No.

What were my triggers?
I was at my friends store today and on his desk was a magazine with a women on the front page half naked. Without thinking, I picked it up and started browsing the pages to find more pictures of her. When I finally found the page, As I was scoping out her body I finally realized and caught my self. I quickly closed the magazine and turned the cover face down and walked away. This was definitely a trigger, because it made me start thinking about P scene I've watched in the past. 

However, I'm happy that I had enough will power to put the magazine down. The old me would want to take the magazine with me to MO.

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
Just being around friends.

What am I grateful for today?
I'm grateful for my good health the last couple of months. I almost forgot what it felt like to be normal.

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I am grateful for my home too, Trying2Survive. Thank you for this reminder. It will help me keep things in the proper perspective today.

And, congrats on 20 days. Keep it up! ;D

Thanks, CrazyGopher!!! Sometimes it's good to take a little bit of time to just think about common things people usually take for granted and be grateful for it. Doing so will make you have a greater appreciation for the people and things you have in your life.

Thanks for reading my journal. Hope all is well for you!


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Journal Entry 4: Saturday, June 20, 2015  10:51pm Day 19

This week so far has been really good for me. I went to volunteer this morning and then went to hang out with a few friends. I'm really trying to keep my self around people. Just enjoying my self around people I care about really helps me.  Other then that nothing much to report this week.

I also think the thing thats really helping me is that Im in a flatline so I don't have any urges at all. The "flatline" always makes things a lot easier, what I fear is when I'm out of that phase. We just have to wait and see how I respond to it. I can only hope I have the will power for self control. We just have to wait and see. I'm staying positive about it though.

Did I use porn today?
Nope.

What were my triggers?
No new triggers.

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
Keeping my self busy and around people really helps.

What am I grateful for today?
The place that I volunteer at helps homeless people. I realize that I'm very grateful and fortunate enough to have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep on every night. I can't begin to imagine what the homeless have to go through on a daily basis to just survive the summers and winters here. Must be so harsh.

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Journal Entry 3: Friday, June 19, 2015  10:54pm Day 18

Today was another good day. This morning I woke up to go the doctors to have a my 3 month check up for blood work. I also went to volunteer at an organization that provides food for the homeless. This is my 2nd week doing it and I'm actually liking it. Volunteering is keeping me busy, helping people in need, and meeting new people everyday. It's tough but very rewarding at the same time. I highly recommend any one on this site to do some volunteer work around your area. It helps me so much.

Did I use porn today?
No, I did not use any porn

What were my triggers?
Didn't notice any triggers today.

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
I'm learning that keeping my self busy is the best remedy.

What am I grateful for today?
I hung out with couple of my buddies of mine that I've known forever. I'm grateful that I know them. They don't know about my addiction, but they've helped me so much. More than I can ever express in words. Great guys.

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Journal Entry 2: Thursday, June 18, 2015  9:31pm Day 17

For the most part I kept my self busy through out the day. I woke up at 5am and went for a walk around the park. After, I ended up going to hang out with one of my buddies at his business near the city to just hang out and talk. We went out and grabbed lunch and had a great conversation about life in general. After he got off work, we actually drove to his house to work on my car. I needed to recharge the freon in my car because I noticed that the AC wasn't as cold as it use to be. It can be brutal in the summer here in Arizona. Overall great day for me.

Did I use porn today?
No. Although I did have a wet dream this morning. The odd thing is I couldn't remember what the wet dream was about when I woke up. Usually the  wet dreams that I have are about porn. Its just odd that I couldn't remember if this was porn related or not. I didn't think much of it anyways.

What were my triggers?
No new triggers that I noticed today. We have to wait and see if this changes as we move along this journey.

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
I'm learning that walks around the park really helps me with the stress and anxiety. I'm gonna really try to keep this up as a daily thing.

What am I grateful for today?
I'm grateful for finding this site. So many good people here trying to help others out. I know if I ever need advice or help, I know where to turn. Thank you for that, guys.

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Very Lonely
« on: June 18, 2015, 08:49:57 PM »
Hey man, I'm glad that you found this site and congrats on being 5 days clean. Thats awesome!!! It shows that you recognize that you have a problem and you're willing to try to get rid of this habit of yours.  All of us are here for similar reasons, mostly because of porn. Just know you're not alone. We can give you advice and tools to guide you towards the right direction, but ultimately you're going to have to do all the leg work and really try. Its not going to be easy, but we believe in you! You can do it.

First things first, you need to recognize your triggers. In other words what are giving you the urges. My suggestion to you is to try to stay off the internet completely. You need to find something else that you enjoy that occupies your time to keep your mind off this. If that doesn't help, you need to get out of the house and be around people. Go to the park, sign up for volunteer work around your area, or go to the gym. Just stay off the internet!

If you're really serious about this, you can even download a internet filter for your computer. I did this and its helping me tremendously. The one that I'm using is K9 Web Protection. It works for mac or windows. I installed it and used a long password that I couldn't possibly remember and went on FutureMe.com, a site that allows you send emails in the future, and pasted the password there. I won't receive the letter until January 1, 2016. Although you can set the date to whatever you want.

Its awesome that your going on YBOP and educating your self, but please understand that it's not about only understanding what effects porn has on you. Its about changing your habits and changing the way you think. Thats the whole point of "rebooting" and "rewiring" your brain. Your brain is so use to looking at pixels on the screen, thats what's giving you the temptations and urges that your feeling. Your brain wants to keep going back to what its been condition to do for so long, and thats P.  You need to get out and give your mind a break from all the artificial bullshit and start experiencing REAL things.

If you need help or have any questions about some of the advice I gave you, let me know. I'm here to chat with you if you want. If this didn't help you, then I hope someone on here reaches out to you. Again, I'm here if you want to chat. I'll be checking in and out of this site for the remainder of the night to see if you write anything else. I believe in you, man. Don't give up, you can do this!

-Trying2Survive

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Teens / Re: My journey to become a better human being
« on: June 18, 2015, 01:21:38 PM »
beated my old record for a while now, here for another 3 months
currently in a flatline

Dude, congrats!! Thats huge! Keep up the good work. From my experience, I love it when I'm in a flatline because I never get the urges. Sure, I feel sluggish sometimes but I think I'll take that over the urges any day. Keep up the good work, man. I want to see you hit 6 months. You got this!

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Great story! An example to us all. Even better you decided to go for it once again and live a PMO free life. Good luck with your journey!
Hey dude, I'm really glad you're here and posting this journal; its a big step for you! Your story is very similar to my own in many ways, especially the part about meeting a beautiful girl whom you think can be the one and then you fail to perform in the bedroom. That's exactly what happened to me and the soon to be two years that followed after our breakup have been a real struggle for me as well.

You seem to be on the right path now, you've managed to do 5 months PMO free before and now that you've learned more about yourself and what triggers you to relapse, hopefully you can beat this addiction this time round :)

Thank you for the encouraging words, guys. It really means a lot. Its amazing to read how similar our stories are to each others. Every time I read someones struggles with PMO, I can always find some connection and relate to it. As if we're going through it together. I hope both of you are doing well in your journey to quit. If you guys ever want to chat about anything, don't hesitate to hit me up.

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Journal Entry 1: Wednesday, June 17, 2015  9:30pm


Well this is kind of awkward for me because I've never really done anything like this before and I don't know where to exactly start my story. I guess I can start by addressing my problem and how I ended up on Reboot Nation. My problems all started when my family got our first computer with internet when I was about 15 years old. I was fascinated by the technology and the idea that anything you could ever want to know was at the touch of your finger. I remember spending countless hours online just browsing through different web pages and reading on things I was curious about. The internet was like an endless journey of information for me. As my curiosity grew, and being a teenager that was curious about sex and girls, I  started to look up sexual fantasies, doing S chats and watching P. I would stay up late at night when everyone one was asleep and spend countless hours just staring at a screen with naked women. It was such a unique rush for me, something that I had never experienced. I loved it, I enjoyed it, I couldn’t get enough of it. Unfortunately, those habits continued to grow as time went on.

As my porn obsession grew, my personality changed. I became very secretive with family and friends, often spending days behind closed doors in my bedroom laying in bed browsing for the next erotic video I could watch that night.  I remember starting a “ P collection” and having over 50 of my favorite videos in a hidden file on my computer. I was so paranoid of being caught that I would get upset at anyone who stepped one foot in my room.  I wouldn’t even let anyone near my phone because I was afraid that they would find traces of my porn usage. I became short tempered, pessimistic, and angry all the time. It put a strain on relationships with my friends and family.

Somehow, around the age of 27, I got into a relationship with a woman I adored and cared about. She was perfect in every way. She was beautiful, smart and had a good career. I often dreamt of her maybe being the “one” I could put a ring on and marry her. However, this is around the time I realized I had a serious problem, I couldn’t perform in bed. No matter how many times we tired I just couldn’t do it. I was embarrassed to say the least. I mean heres this gorgeous woman in front of me ready to make love, how is it that I couldn’t get it up? I started to look up information about performance issues and found a couple of sites that talked about P addiction and how its associated with PE and ED. I started to read testimonials from guys my age and every thing that they talked about sounded exactly like my story. I recall telling my self, “Hey, this is a joke Im not addicted to porn. I can quit watching porn right now”. Boy was I wrong. I couldn’t quit and, not surprisingly, my relationship with the girl I cared about suffered. Looking back at the relationship now I was such a bad boyfriend. I was insensitive to her feelings, I often ignored her, continued to watch porn and talk to other women on dating sites. Looking back on it now, I’m disgusted with my self. I can’t believe I did that to her. It got so bad that we decided to part ways after one year and it broke my heart. I remember the night crying over it. I still think about it every so often.  On the bright side, I’m glad we went our separate ways. She deserved way better than what I was bringing to the table. And, at the age of 28, it gave me a chance to just focus on my self and really try to change my life for the better.

Its been 3 long years trying to kick this addiction. The longest I ever made it to was 5 months, and boy did it feel great. I was getting erections just thinking about regular women. I had no more brain fog, I was energetic, and felt more driven to succeed in life.  it was  like I had gotten a second chance in life. I still think about that those 5 months where I was clean, it was such an amazing feeling. I want that feeling again. I was making good progress and saw the light at the end of the tunnel. However, unfortunately, it was a very stressful time in my life and I fell into a deep depression about what I was going through and so I fell back into my old ways again, watching P. The good thing is that those 5 good months is that it gave me hope that this does work and it gave me a glimpse of what I had been missing out on this whole time. I want to feel alive again! I’ve made some drastic changes to help me succeed this time.

I’ve taken some serious steps that I think will really help me finally kick this habit. I’ve installed K9 protection on my computer and my phone. Also I’ve put some restrictions on my wireless router that blocks some of the things that K9 sometimes fail to recognize as explicit material. On top of that Im using FutureMe.com which allows you to write a letter to your self to receive in the future via email. I’ve put the passwords for the K9 protection in the letter so theres no way for me to undo these restrictions. The goal I set for my self is January 1, 2016. Thats about 7 months. When January rolls around and if I feel like I still don’t have enough will power to stop, I will repeat the process until I feel more comfortable knowing I have total self control.

I really mean it this time. I’m gonna be more active on this site and start posting my journals daily. This will be my first  and official post. I’m done with this whole PMO crap. I want to live again. I want my life back. I will get over this!

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