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Messages - Maynard

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Maynard's Journal
« on: May 02, 2015, 01:05:06 PM »
Thanks Phoenix - 

Continuing the hard route.   A little nervous because I'll be by myself this weekend, with unlimited access to Internet.   Will have to power through...


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Ages 40 and up / Re: Maynard's Journal
« on: April 30, 2015, 11:35:59 PM »
Waxing philosphic -  it's strange how it comes on w/out you knowing.  Jacking it is what I've always done.  Magazines in my teen.  VHS in my 20's/30's.  Never had a problem.  Then high speed internet.  Oh fuck, all the hot girls I felt I missed out on in my prime.  More, more, more.  Never had multiple tabs open, but always seeking to fill the hole of what I felt I missed.

Yet, I'm smart, and extremely succesful by objective standards.  You have no idea.   But, behind the scenes, jacking off to porn whenever I could, like a secret life i had to hide.   Which, I did hide.  i do hide.  What an asshole.

Going to strip clubs, amps, jacking off to porn, all the while having an upper middle class life...family, nice house, responsibilities at work, etc. 

It was all fucking bullshit.  I could tell no one, not even my closest friend.  Fuck, fuck, fuck!!! What the fuck did I do? 

Not present for my wife?  For my kids?   Simply, not there. 

Jacking off to some girl I'd probably laugh off if I actually met?

Looking back, I've always been addicted to something.  When I was young, they said I was "hyper" so put me on Ritalin.  Think I was one of the first on that drug.  In college and beyond, smoked a lot of pot.  Guess porn was the next numbing item. 

I've always been good, kind.  But, the shit i look at on the Internet?  Really?  Sometimes I feel like I have PTSD.  The shit I've looked at haunts me sometime, and the images flashback in my mind.  Really?  I wanted to see the violence?  No, but I sorta wanted to search for it to see if I could find it.  When I did, it made me sick, and I still remember some of the vile images.   Actually, gave me insomnia on occasion.  I've never hurt anything or anyone in my life.  Never could.  Who was that?   WTF?

Anyway, rambling.  But, another day done w/out PMO.

I'm really appreciating the support and the stories of others on this forum.

Maynard

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Maynard's Journal
« on: April 29, 2015, 09:57:08 PM »
Thanks Fappy and Unchained --  Made it through another day.   These several days are particularly hard because I'm traveling away from home, and staying at a hotel was always a good time to PMO for hours.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Maynard's Journal
« on: April 29, 2015, 12:21:44 AM »
So, finished the first day.  But, I've finished the first day before.  What a fucking emasculating disease.  I'm successful at work, have a nice family, nice house, beautiful wife.   So, why do I feel like such a fucking loser?  I can't even stick it in her and make her cum.  I'm a chickenshit.  WTF.  I'm not really even sure how this happened upon me, but it did.   It doesn't come in big waves, just little step by steps. 

I have tried to go no PMO before.  I went 30 or so days, several years ago.  But, I celebrated my hard earned success by getting a hand job by someone I don't even remember at an Asian Massage Parlor.

I guess I wonder if it's even worth it.   Given the state of my marriage, and the lack of sex for 3 plus years, why not keep masturbating to PMO?   I don't even know how to approach my wife anymore for intimacy....




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Ages 40 and up / Maynard's Journal
« on: April 28, 2015, 08:19:14 AM »
Glad I found this place.   I'm a few years away from 50 yo, and my story is so similar to a lot other over 40s.

Been addicted to porn for 35 years or so, since I was 11 and found my parents "European" porn magazines in their nightstand.  When I was old enough, would go to all night newsstands to buy Penthouse, Hustler, etc.  When VHS came along, I rented/bought plenty of those, too.  I had a fairly regular teenagerdom/early adulthood.   Lost my virginity last night of junior year in HS, and had several girlfriends throughout college and my early career.  When they were away, I'd take out the hidden tapes and masturbate.  Still had plenty left to have a normal sex life with all of them.

Then, I got married in my late 20's, and had a normal sex life for a long time in my marriage. ven for the first 5-10 years of the high speed porn era, I still had a fairly normal sex life.   I'd still watch porn and masturbate anytime I got more than a few minutes alone.  Then, the high speed porn era began.  I started looking for ways to be alone so I could watch and masturbate.  Even for the first 5-10 years of the high speed porn era, I still had a fairly normal sex life.  My wife caught me watching porn a few times, and it caused some serious problems in our relationship.  We almost broke up two times because of it.  Still, I couldn't stop.

Then, about 5 or  years ago, it got really bad.  I took a job in another city, but didn't want to move the family, so I commuted.  I had an apartment I'd stay in during the week in the other city, and come home on Friday afternoons.   I'd often masturbate more than once a night, and found myself going from link to link to link looking for more extreme pornography and sex acts that I didn't even know existed prior to seeing it on the Internet.   Frankly, I didn't even enjoy much of it.  I'd find it, and quickly click back to "tamer" stuff.  It was the seeking that was the attraction.

In the early part of this phase, I started having significant performance problems, and it hurt my wife's feelings a lot.  I think it caused her to shut down, and me as well.   We haven't even attempted to have sex in 3 or more years.   I'm 100% positive I would not be able to perform.  Yet, I can get an erection when I watch porn.

My wife is extremely intelligent, so I know she knows something is up, but we don't talk about it.  Probably the only reason we're still together is because we have a couple of kids.   

The whole family has now moved, so I'm no longer commuting during the week, but it hasn't changed anything with my porn addiction.

In fact, over the past 6 or 8 months, I've started visiting asian massage parlors to get hand jobs, mostly to see if I can even get an erection.  I can't.  I feel terrible that I've now gone one step further away in our marriage.

I feel depressed and generally like shit all the time, and think my porn habit is a fundamental reason why.  I really want to quit, and am committed to the 90-day hard reset.  It's great to know I'm know alone, and that others have similar stories.

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