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Messages - Sledge

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Sledge Journal
« on: May 12, 2014, 08:20:43 PM »
Ok, time to touch base again...

I've had a pretty average month or so since I posted on here, I've relapsed twice and just seem to be going nowhere.
I can feel my defence systems are better than what they used to be, but I just keep giving in over and over again...

I'm actually finding that I'm quite depressed with life at the moment - whether that's because I turned 30 this year or not I don't know.
What I do know is that when I was 25 days without PMO I felt like a different person, so clear & fresh all the time!

So here we go again, I'm aiming for 30 days.

Ages 30-39 / Re: It's about time
« on: April 08, 2014, 06:42:07 PM »
So encouraging that you've smashed the one month point!!  Congrats Stressrelief!

How's it all going for you?

Ages 30-39 / Re: Sledge Journal
« on: April 08, 2014, 06:41:16 PM »
Thanks for the concern Stressrelief!  Still here...

Just battling all the urges again after the old stumbling block...  my problem is the same as always - I just have to be more disciplined with myself!
I'll continue to implement steps to assist with this (when being alone) to still achieve the ultimate goal of complete breakthrough.

How's everything going with you now that you're past the one month mark?  Do you find it any easier / more difficult?

Ages 30-39 / Re: New and started yesterday
« on: April 03, 2014, 11:36:21 PM »
Awesome to see you on here uolihp!

I wish you all the best with your reboot!  I'm exactly the same mentality as you as far as not being addicted to anything!
I kicked drinking etc. really easily, however this addiction has taken so much longer due to it's secrecy in my life!

Hoping the forum is exactly what you need!  Be encouraged!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Sledge Journal
« on: April 03, 2014, 11:28:15 PM »
Had a shocker of a day yesterday at the office!!  Then with the added temptation of my wife being out of town and the internet freely available made it VERY difficult on me!
Sitting at home by myself I found the urges growing stronger and stronger so I hopped in the car and went for a drive to shift my attention (twice!).

After coming home it was no different and unfortunately later in the evening I gave in - surfing through soft websites and inevitably stumbling!

Am I disappointed with myself?  NO!  On the contrary, I'm extremely proud of myself!  To think that my first attempt since using this forum I went 25 days without PMO is amazing!  Looking forward, once I achieve my 30 day reboot for this goal it'll mean that in 55 odd days I've only fallen once!  This would be the best result I've achieved in years!

Thanks again for the support, just wanted to be honest on here!  Starting again as of this morning!
To infinity and beyond!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Sledge Journal
« on: April 02, 2014, 05:22:15 PM »
Thanks Stressrelief!

I completely agree with everything you wrote! 

My wife is out of town tonight so I need to make sure I keep myself occupied in her absence!
I have found myself being a bit more lenient with what my eyes see over the last week which is something I need to arrest!

As I'm sure you're all aware, even the simplest image of a girl in gym clothes can get the imagination RACING immediately.
Need to get back to square one where everything visual is avoided wherever possible!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Sledge Journal
« on: April 01, 2014, 05:30:03 PM »
Been struggling quite a lot over the last couple of days with temptations to view websites again.
Need to buckle down, put on my big boy pants and simply say NO!

Thanks again for the continued support!  Not long till my 30 days now, fingers crossed!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Sledge Journal
« on: March 30, 2014, 05:15:52 PM »
Had a lovely weekend away at a resort with the wife and child!
Still sober, still a battle - but one worth fighting!

Thanks shake19, I'm certainly looking forward to pushing through this barrier too!
3 weeks today!  Pretty happy with that

Ages 30-39 / Re: Sledge Journal
« on: March 26, 2014, 04:49:20 PM »
Still sober...

I have certainly had more of a struggle in my mind over the last few days that's for sure!  To be honest this is the longest I've gone for a few years now so I think it's the barrier my mind / memory are struggling to push through...

I've been loving the freedom it's given, whilst I'm not doing anything special - I just feel more productive and alert.  Also not feeling weighed down anywhere near as much!
It's certainly more difficult in my opinion to give up than drinking etc.  I went cold turkey with that and never looked back at 18 y/o

Cheers for all the continued support!!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Sledge Journal
« on: March 25, 2014, 12:35:32 AM »
The last 2 days have by far been the most difficult since starting my reboot!
I found head really struggling with the fact that I wasn't looking at naked ladies as often as I used to!

My wife's back again tonight so once again I'm confident I can continue through to next week, wish me luck!
I'm really keen for the cleaning of my memory to start taking place, it's amazing how many images / feelings you can store up in there!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Sledge Journal
« on: March 23, 2014, 06:25:48 PM »
Hey guys, another weekend down!

These next 2 days are the tricky ones again as my wife is back out of town and I have no one at the office.  I've already felt strong urges to look up some websites but have resisted.
I've got plans with friends tonight to eliminate alone time outside of work to assist with that temptation.

Things with my wife are changing slightly Stressrelief, I'm certainly not bombarding her. But I feel my desire is increasing for her!
How about yourself?

Ages 30-39 / Re: Sledge Journal
« on: March 20, 2014, 07:45:18 PM »
Still progressing on day by day.  No stumbling!
I realise I have to keep my focus on a daily basis, rather than getting caught up in trying to reach a 'target'.

I see that if I set a target in my mind it will inevitably become harder and harder as that target gets closer.
Much like you always seem to REALLY need the toilet JUST before you reach your destination after a long car ride.

One day at a time!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Sledge Journal
« on: March 19, 2014, 04:20:42 PM »
Hey shake19, I would probably say that 'yes' I do already enjoy family time more than I did a month ago.

Whilst I have lasted longer than this from PMO before, my head feels in a much better space than ever before from using a forum and getting it out there for people to see.
The addiction was always something I kept as a secret and that was it's true power over me!  I feel such a weight off my chest by journaling on here.

My thoughts are clearer at work, I'm more productive also.  win/win/win!
Thanks for the support!

As for my daily journal - yesterday went without a hitch!  I did find myself looking at girls in sports clothes at the shopping centres etc.
This is something I will continue to work through as time goes by...

Ages 30-39 / Re: It's about time
« on: March 18, 2014, 06:40:52 PM »
All going well on your side of the fence?

Ages 30-39 / Re: Sledge Journal
« on: March 18, 2014, 06:40:22 PM »
Another day down!

Actually enjoyed yesterday and spent some time with family after driving to collect my wife from out of town.
She's back in the house now and am confident in continuing my progress.

I really do need to get back to the gym Stressrelief!  I used to go OFTEN, but this year has been busy and it's just not happening...
That's the next step!  Cheers again

Ages 30-39 / Re: Sledge Journal
« on: March 17, 2014, 05:31:34 PM »
Wow yesterday was a trying day!!

I found my mind wandering to topless scenes I'd seen in the TV show throughout the week often.  I'm proud to say I managed to resist it going any further.
My wife had a car crash out of town (only small thankfully) which stressed me out.  My immediate though process was to think of stress relief!

I pursued through and still went to the movies with some friends, then so as to not go home and have lots of time to myself we went back to a friends apartment until around 10:00 pm.
Then it was MUCH easier to simply drive home and go to sleep.

Day 1 of alone - DONE!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Sledge Journal
« on: March 16, 2014, 04:41:52 PM »
Thanks guys!

Well the weekend is over here (in AUS) and all went without a hitch.  Our daughter was playing up a bit at night/evening times so it meant mummy and daddy couldn't have any 'alone' time either.  However I think this is good for me to 'pass the test' I guess.  Usually whenever I couldn't get something from my wife I would jump straight to porn come Monday morning at the office.

Today and tomorrow are my office days with no one around, so I've tried to fill both days with tasks that need to be done.
Tonight with my wife away I have booked a movie session with some friends to keep me occupied.  I realise being alone is detrimental to my recovery so am avoiding it at all costs.

I'm really excited about succeeding through these next 2 days!  Wish me luck

Ages 30-39 / Re: Sledge Journal
« on: March 13, 2014, 04:24:52 PM »
Another day down!

There were a couple small distractions yesterday but I arrested my thoughts and didn't entertain them longer than required;
1. Watching True Detective and there was a very attractive naked lady in a sex scene - FAST FORWARD
2. Heard on the radio about Kim Kardashian having some scandalous shots or something - IGNORED and didn't go to the internet to find them

I know these are only small things, but it's an accomplishment to simply disregard the regular actions my brain would put into place!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Sledge Journal
« on: March 12, 2014, 10:00:17 PM »
Still truckin!  Apart from a topless woman in a TV show last night (which I avoided looking at as soon as it popped up) I have maintained a pretty clean and clear head still.
I'm reading the Wolf of Wall Street at the moment, and that can get pretty graphic.  But I'm keeping my imagination under wraps to avoid then searching out images etc.

Onward and upward!

Ages 30-39 / Re: It's about time
« on: March 12, 2014, 09:57:46 PM »
Chin up Stressrelief!  Sounds like you're at a hurdle, once you're over it'll all be less intense!
Have you struggled to not access P or M, or is it the outside influences that are the main thing weighing on you?

Ages 30-39 / Re: Sledge Journal
« on: March 11, 2014, 05:32:31 PM »
Thanks fcjl8!  Really inspiring to see people achieving their goals!

My biggest issue is my work and home life - on a Monday/Tuesday I'm in the office by myself all day as other staff have this off. 
Same goes for at home, Monday/Tuesday my wife is working out of town so stays the night elsewhere.

These are my two IMMEDIATE threats to address as they are where I'm the most vulnerable...
Over the past 10 odd years the longest I've managed without P or M at was 30 days, so this is the first goal I have set for myself.

I agree with the one day at a time mentality, and by setting myself short-term goals it makes the overall goal seem more achievable.
Third day in and I haven't had any urges.  A friend on facebook who likes fitness pages is getting blocked today as it keeps throwing up photos of girls at the gym with amazingly toned bodies in thongs etc.  Gotta protect my eyes or I'm letting myself entertain bad thoughts.

I'll hit up YBOP a bit each day to keep it fresh, thanks again Stressrelief!

Ages 30-39 / Re: It's about time
« on: March 10, 2014, 05:12:08 PM »
That's awesome that you're 5 days in already Stressrelief!

Have you tried using a journal / accountability method before? 
Can I ask what the longest time period you've achieved without PMO over these past 27 years has been?
Do you have any children with your wife?
You said your wife is understanding, so is this not a secret for you?  Is she aware of your struggles with pornography addiction?

Sorry for all the questions, but I've never EVER spoken to anyone about this and as I have the benefit of speaking to someone a bit older than me I'd like to hear more of your story.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Sledge Journal
« on: March 10, 2014, 04:55:47 PM »
Thanks for the support Stressrelief!

A bit about myself:

I turned 30 a couple months back, which in my mind was the goal age when I wanted this addiction sorted.

I started masturbating at 17.  I was a very innocent child and just thought everyone at school was joking about pornography and masturbating until one day a friend of mine put doubt in my mind that I wasn't normal...  This then stemmed HUGE doubt in my mind and sowed a deep seed that I'm still trying to rid myself of.

Pornography wasn't a factor until I was around 18-19.  It started when we got cable TV and they had the Fashion TV channel with the lingerie segments, the stunning, sophisticated shapely women certainly got my motor running.  I then found myself looking through the TV guide for when those segments were on again & again...  From there I haven't escalated pornography in my live, I only ever view the softcore things.  I find the rest quite repulsive actually.

Then fast track through to today - I'm happily married for 7 years (this year) and have the most beautiful little daughter who's nearly 2.  Her birth was also a point in time I wanted this addiction sorted by, but unfortunately I relapsed on and off over the last couple years still.  I'm a Christian and have been for most of my life, I feel I live a very moral life - except this one area!  I run a business in the local area and would be looked at by my peers as the guy who has it all (as they've told me often).  However this secret has robbed me of enjoying my life to it's full extent for a long time now and I'm definitely ready for it to stop!

PMO has affected the way I look at my wife and all other girls for that matter, it has desensitised me to a point that I was looking at girls as fleshly objects only.

I'm on day TWO of my reboot now and intend on posting every single day on this site.  I've tried most other measures before (gym, sports etc.) and all have worked to a certain degree, the trigger for me is when I'm on my own.  Whether it be at work or at home, I get bored and tempted extremely quickly!  I shock myself when I think I'm going well and then in the blink of an eye have allowed myself to go down the all too familiar road of PMO again!

Thanks heaps for the support guys!  I'm only too happy to answer any and all questions people may have along the way - but as I intend this as a long journal I didn't want to throw everything out there in the very first message...

Ages 30-39 / Sledge Journal
« on: March 09, 2014, 07:22:39 PM »
Today is day ONE of my reboot!

I'm excited about using this medium to assist me in my journey.
I've been trying to rid myself of this addiction for around 10 years now but have kept the secret to myself.

I'm hoping this forum will give me the vehicle I need to speak out my struggles.
I don't know all the ins and outs of using forums, but I'll figure it out as I progress.

Thanks guys

p.s if I've posted this in the wrong spot or in an incorrect format just let me know.

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