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Messages - hellexfire

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Women / Re: Girl Porn
« on: May 12, 2015, 05:43:23 AM »

Rosy petals, chimney oranges. and crisp mellow yellows have me by the throat and I'm not struggling a bit. I'm finally in a good place, albeit an anxious place, it's devoid of demonic hunger and feeding monsters.

At first I flipped out because with not smoking and not using, I started eating more and that made me gain some weight. But I have just completely let myself off the hook and said "you know what? Let's ride this one out. It's okay to be a lazy bones and take solace in sugar for a  while." I'm on my own Eat, Pray, Love journey except it's like Eat, Eat, Love for me.  And I'm really okay with it- for a time. I know that sooner than later I'll have to reign it in- endless self improvement. But for now, I'm taking one day at a time and actually enjoying the sugar which will walk me into a diabetic coma later down the road if I let it. Don't worry, I won't.  It's just like my way and I haven't figured out how to fill the void completely yet but I am certainly getting there.  I wean myself off one indulgence to the next but they are getting less destructive as I go along.

I'll be getting Invisalign next month so I know with that will come built in restrictions-it's too much work otherwise. Good news- I might have found the perfect supervisor. We'll see, I always feel like not getting my hopes up because when I do, shit doesn't work out. I'm expecting the worse, expecting the best so I'm covered either way it blows out.

Looks like it's time to change my counter- a new goal, yes.
Simplicity finally upon me and eluding me not right now for a strand longer. I don't know how long this shall last and I see the stuffed comfort in it; packing in morsels of comfort because I finally realize I've been trying to masturbate my way to home or safety or some Dorothy-land that I can't express and hasn't existed for me. I'm finally accepting that right now, this is my way. I'm finally in a great place with my partner and accepting his flaws as he accepts mine and I'm not fighting temptation any more. It's not a struggle. I've just accepted that it sucks and it sucked so much that I stopped letting it suck out my energy and soul. It's sloth work, moving forward, but I am. My mind is pregnant with the fat-full greed of snuggling in for comfort right now.  I haven't figured out why I'm so uncomfortable, why there's this constant buzzing in me for something- drugs, booze, O's, P, nicotine, whatever. But I'm not giving in- except to waaaaaay too much cinnamon muffins but I don't even let it phase me for a minute. I'm just indulging over the fucking top on sugar and loving every dirty minute of it. Lesser of two evils.

It sucks less today than it did yesterday.
Someday I'll be totally whole.
Not today.
But today, I'm totally happy so what the fuck is the difference? x

Ages 20-29 / Re: Hello. My name is Nolan and I'm an addict.
« on: April 06, 2015, 11:54:51 PM »
Good job bro.
Rebooting works. Stellar decision in the shower. x

Women / Re: Girl Porn
« on: April 06, 2015, 11:52:53 PM »
It's like I went on an odyssey through mountains of mental resistance and found therein the very place where spine meets tailbone- the tiniest place within every soul where we find the gold. The place we are willing to die for, to live for; the place we refuse to compromise.

In the last few months, my  body has completely broken down. My body has ached and suffered in ways I never knew possible and I still feel like I'm too young for this. Doctors initially suggested the Flu or Dengue fever but I knew when they said it that they were wrong. I believed then and I believe now that it's all psychosomatic. My brother - the nurse- is worried it's a hormonal thing (last year I had a near-mortal allergy to the birth control patch) and has ordered me to go to an Endocrinologist. I'll go but I'm not expecting them to find anything either. I think my mind is dispelling years of mental anguish through my body. The reality that I wasn't protected, that I was exploited - not just by my perp but by countless men- has settled in. Like all knowledge, it can't be unknown once it's known. I have suddenly and abruptly realized, with sickness, that I've been partaking in the sexual exploitation of countless women around the world and the shit I've been hooked on for years and years and years, the shit I've been pumping through my mental veins, is kool-aid.  I've watched quite a few documentaries on porn and by myself I have come to realize that each of us who digests this, is creating the demand for the supply of sexual exploitation, power, possession, and objectification. I have helped to create the supply. I've done my part in creating inequality and I've propelled my own energy toward this man-made lie that women love this, that submissive persons love and want these things done to them.

I want to be part of the solution and I'm done being part of the problem. Go easy on myself? No, no I won't. The time for ease has passed. I've spent my life taking the sexually selfish, easy route and this illness projectile vomiting itself from my body is absolutely necessary. If you disagree, I wholly and passionately suggest to deeply explore sexual exploitation and sexual slavery rings in your own major cities- with the same dedication that we each have invested into pursuing the perfect O. In denying myself the pattern of this addiction, I've rerouted my drive towards clicking and reading and watching video after video after video- except on the part of persons who have been forced to give their body to our selfish demands. Don't let anyone fool you; partaking in these activities because one needs the money is no less force than to come by physical force.

The sickness will pass. My body will heal. Once I'm done accepting, in totalitarianism, the consequences of misguided sexuality and unbridled selfishness, the deep purples of my body and soul will be able to rise. I will do this with goals, with education, with research, with my life.

And it starts by acknowledging that each person in each video that I've consumed is a daughter or son, a friend, perhaps a parent, but is someone worth loving. It continues by setting forth my gratitude in singular moments day by day.

You know, when I first got here, I ran across a post that moved me so much that I printed it out and hung it on the bathroom mirror. I knew I identified with it then like it was some strange, writhing thing in me that I couldn't yet understand. But now I understand it with total vision.


Objectification is failing to recognize the dignity and value of another human being. It isn't as narrow as oggling or gawking at ladies or men, although that can be a symptom of objectification. There are many more articles to be found and yet to be written that can legitimize objectifying human beings. I think there is strong evidence that with a few sly triggers they could adequately convince a lot of men and women that they hold no value except as objects to give or receive pleasure.

The questions isn't if the behavior is objectification. The questions is if you will fall for it and be objectified in the process.


Now I see that I've been objectifying myself and that my worth, deep down, is just the same as I'm doing to others. I've reduced countless people to objects and in the process, I've done the same to myself. There is more than this. There is more than bold lust and placing value on us all according to the pleasure we receive and give.

This journey has really become so much more than I could have possibly imagined. This isn't just porn addiction, something which touches only one part of my life or who I am, this (in reality) permeates every part of my being; the cynical way I've approached the world for so long, the belief that every one will hurt me, the continuance of trust so damaged that I can't seem to weed out the corrupt from the pure, an inability to become involved in political injustices which we all see but turn our backs to.  This is everywhere and the bang stops here. This will not be passed onto my children. It stops with me.

In accepting the worth of those I've devalued, I am able to acknowledge my own. Every person deserves the respect of having their most intimate actions kept private between themselves and their partner of choice. Every person deserves to bond, socially and personally, through their sexuality- which should be sacred and private. Every person deserves to take part in something because they entirely desire to, in a healthy consent, not based off power or money or insubordinate status.

We are creating the demand for the supply.
How ugly is that?
Ugly enough that every ones of my bones ache, that I feel joints crunching that I've never realized existed, enough to have fevers and nightmares, and the motivation to get healthy.

For the last month or so, I've been ever grateful to experience a hushing between my partner and I. I'm still not sure of our future but in recognizing that he has a personality disorder, I've come to be able to understand him in a deeper way. I'm grateful for his desire to learn and be better as I respect his hunger for justice. I'll never know if that strong, ideal guy exists- maybe that's part of the fantasy too. I have a real person in front of me, a soft man who has dealt with his own lust, his own suffering, and his own misguided perceptions. Yet we are best friends, trying to figure out how his addiction works and how mine works and what the hell can we do to stop these diseases from spreading- because we know they are disease. It may have taken genitalia not working properly to see the disease, but now we realize it's so much deeper than physical disorder.

I've come a far ways in my PhD- I'm crafting together emails, project proposals, and incentives to find the right professor who will let me study what I want to study- objectification. I've found a steady support on campus, people who are helping me to find myself through my academic endeavors. I'm fortunate.

I have friends and family who Skype with me often- no matter that I'm in Australia and they are in the U.S. No matter the time, no matter the issue- they are there. I hope to one day have it together enough to reveal to them all of this journal and the joys and hurts it has brought to me.

I'm ever grateful for not being alone. You are here, I am here and from the get-go, there have been stronger people than I to move me in the right direction. My brothers from other mothers- you know who you are. x

@Chief- I'm  happy to tell you who I am and for you to follow my PhD. You've been a diamond in the coal and I trust you to that end. Do we all look for an ideal partner, someone who makes up for our deficiencies in a perfect way, to our own standards? Can that person actually exist? Give me what you've got. I know exactly how you feel- I'm sticking to the smaller picture until I have more perspective. I can't say this is forever, I can only identify where I'm at right now.  I'm always around- feel free to leave me a message if you want.

@ntg- Part of my perspective is my age. I'm 30- I want to have a kid before I'm 35 or my risks go through the roof. Not that adoption isn't completely on the table but brother, I ain't got time to hold out for Mr. Perfect to waltz through the door. And I'm in AU, so that's all very messy stuff. I've got three years here then I'm going back to the States- where I want to pop one out (or hopefully pay someone to pop mine out) pretty immediately. You can see that it's not always as simple as waiting it out.  You know, my good friend told me to quit babying my SO too. She said that sometimes people need to fall flat on their face. I've certainly been giving him more emotional responsibility lately but that seems easier now, since I've had to face my own demons- I find it easier to discuss things with him (since I'm not running away to P).

@Jeff/Dan- Thanks for the props bro. My positive attitude can be rather pessimistic at times, I'll warn you now. It's completely possible to be a pessimistic optimist, though I refer to myself as an opportunist- pessimistic positivity is nothing more than survival.  I haven't seen the documentary you linked but I will def check it out this weekend.

Women / Re: Girl Porn
« on: March 18, 2015, 07:56:29 PM »
I've been unwell after a smashing birthday weekend in Queensland.
I'm going to ask my nurse brother to help me diagnose my issues because they are weird. Dulled tastebuds, extreme fatigue, vertigo, and painfully sore muscles throughout my entire body.
I haven't been into campus all week and am struggling to get there today or tomorrow. Still in flux with my supervisor situation on campus. I've officially divorced the old one but am still waiting for a new one. This mentally wears me out- I just want to start my PhD already.

I'm too tired to touch on anything else right now but once I'm recharged, I'll mouth off like usual. x

Ages 20-29 / Re: Hello. My name is Nolan and I'm an addict.
« on: March 07, 2015, 04:37:37 AM »
Comin' to check in bro. Think about your 'failure' in terms of internal entrepreneurism. This is a learning experience. Come back stronger and all the wiser. I'm on your side man, x.

Women / Re: Girl Porn
« on: March 06, 2015, 10:53:57 PM »

Broke through something and when people ask me what it is in a few years, just like with heroin and molestation and cutting, I will have no idealistic response. This stuff- it happens in gradual phases. For sure, overcoming indulgence and practicing discipline aren't about quitting the addiction for me. They are about facing brutal truth, working out problems that tower over me and try to keep me down, and building a place inside of myself that no one will ever be able to take away from me.  I'm going to create a meme for facebook that says "People always tell me how strong I am. What they don't realize is that building strength, physical or mental, means sufferage and accepting pain. Just like those growing pains in your legs when I was a kid."

Cheesy? I own it.
I've given a number of talks as a guest speaker on motivation, education, and how to get kids out of the self-indulgent rut that they now seem to inherit by merit of their generational place in time.  Motivation works a little bit differently for everyone and I'm still not sure why I am the way I am. I can not accept the mediocre, the bullshit commercialization being shoved down my throat, and I can't accept the inequality I see all around me.  I don't know what has become more toxic- the media depiction of the perfect bodies we are all supposed to possess or the mirror in our bathroom that tells us we are so far from that ideal.

I struggle with self-image for the first time in my life. I was a lucky girl growing up. I had three brothers to tell me not to 'dress like a whore' and who guided me to understanding that fucking boys wouldn't make any girl a woman. I was never one for eating disorders and I mostly have never given a shit what others think of my body. I am angry that media has so much influence and everywhere I look I see women not empowering other women but women who regard other women as a threat. Constantly. I see men devalued if they are emotional and a real pressure for men to be cut, be a stone, be the sex god. We are being pumped with these messages day in and day out... all the while the internet stands ready for us to objectify others for our own secret pleasure.

Something has to be done. I feel like I'm on the other side, finally. I've made it past something big and I think it's because on Friday, I broke up with my supervising professor. I told her that I appreciate everything she's done and I will help her lab as much as possible but that I have to focus my research not on anxious-solitude trajectories in children but on the effects of pornography on children. I realize this means I may have to radically change my life but I'm up to the challenge. I am too full of fire and intensity to accept a PhD which I don't believe I'll be able to help people with. This is what I was born to do. I'm going to develop real answers to real questions in this topic. I'm going to test interventions and I'm going to spend the rest of my life doing it.

This is my niche.
Knowing that has brought more light than I could have swelled within. It's grounded me somewhere deep inside, back to a place which is safer than before. This is the first time in my life that I feel that it's not being alone that I fear- it's being alone while right next to someone else that I abhor. I actually enjoy my alone time. I'm okay with alone time, I just have very specific ideas on how a relationship should be for me. I have high standards, the same I set for myself.

Today is a good day. I'm stronger than I've ever been and while I never asked to be this strong, I feel a duty to use my abilities to help others. I can't change the whole entire world but I can help a few. I heard this story somewhere stupid online but it moved me nonetheless: A boy and old man were on a beach. The beach was covered with thousands of washed up star fish. The boy began picking up starfish one by one and throwing them back into the sea. The old man looked at the boy and said "you can't save them all, what kind of difference do you think you're going to make?" The little boy picked up a starfish and threw it back into the water and then turned to the old man and replied, "It made a difference to that one." 

The blues which swirled around my head like wafting smoke were rooted in the feeling of helplessness. This problem is huge. This problem is an epidemic. We are slaves to the new-age master- ourselves. We are being fed our self-indulgent poisons and who is profiting from our darkness? Good question. I have to change it and as soon as I realized that I'm now on the right path towards the PhD I should have, I've been released in some sort of way. I'm no longer powerless.

These last few months have tested me beyond borders. I've felt that I was going insane at times. I've questioned absolutely everything in my life from the top down to the bottom. Am I really here? Do I just care too much? Am I a good daughter? Are the trust issues just the fault of the cheaters and liars I've chosen to connect with or are they my fault too? Are my ideals unrealistic? Am I being childish with this idea of a strong partner who accepts and supports me? Doesn't change take time? Can I expect my partner to magically come to learn everything which has taken me the last 5 years to learn?

I don't have all the answers but at higher plateaus, the perspective is broader.
Right now I'm just proud as hell. Look at how far I've come.
Don't forget that people- pause to look at far you've come sometimes. Be good to self in a long-term healthy kind of way. x

@ ntg- I can't be anything other than who I am. Transparency has never been much of a problem for me- finding others who understand what I'm disclosing, on the other hand...

I came to Australia believing that person was my partner. A one hundred percent complete faith in the belief that he was my soul mate.  I promise you that I will never settle. A very wise woman told me when I was a child, "Never settle for less because you'll up with less than what you settled for." and the older I get the more I realize it's true. I've never settled (part of despising mediocrity) and I wouldn't in this situation either. My issue is not being able to tell if he's not my soul mate or if my issues are getting in the way. I want to find a balance between my ideal other half, my solider-warrior-love man and a real man with a real life and real pain and real problems. I'm still yet to discover that but I'm enjoying the time I have with my partner right now. I know I love him and if I ever come to discover that I loved the wrong one, I will forgive myself. I know that if that happens I won't be compromising. I will happily be alone and single until I find him and if he doesn't exist then I'll have a lot of time, heart, and freedom to go wherever I need to go to help whoever I need to help.

I read this article and about fell over because I could written the whole damn thing myself. It'll give you some perspective into mine:

I'll take your advice and mull over it for days like I always do. 'Part of you that always knows the way home' is something I'll be rolling over my tongue over and over and over and over...

It is not enough to accumulate strength as wealth. I already have more than others. I must give it out or it will become a threat to me. x

@ Chief

Read the link I posted for ntg. You'll get it, spot on, I think.  I'm starting to wonder if trusting my partner isn't really about not trusting myself.  Doubt is dangerous- be careful. Doubt breeds confusion and together, they have toppled the greatest love stories, the most boastful of nations, and entire civilizations.

All people will disappoint us at some point. We will fail all whom we love at some point. Those fleeting moments aren't the ones to count. Betrayal isn't the same as failure or disappointment so you might as well be asking if true loyalty exists among lovers and I'm asking myself the same thing. Our culture certainly doesn't make it easy, now does it?

I think it's more like 1 in 1000 people will find enlightenment. Maybe less. Your words, Chief Mitch's words... these aren't common mental frames of mind, let alone the ability to take time and prioritize sharing them with others. If you think you are 1 in 20, I think you're a little bit crazy bro. I think you are more rare than you think and I think the same thing about myself. I'm pretty sure I'm at least 1 in a million, whatever that means.

I just began my PhD- perfect time to switch research interests if it must be done. The PhD fulfills me...just not the program I was in. Now that I've made up my mind, I know I will have an impact on the world doing what I do.

I love your bits of wisdom. I wish I could patch them together and make a quilt to wrap around my tired days.  x

Women / Re: Girl Porn
« on: March 04, 2015, 10:50:00 PM »
Day 54

I need to address the blue.
A year ago I was filled with reds and pinks and purples and greens which bled to correct blue hues that were beautiful and inspiring and motivational. At worst, my life was crammed with volunteer obligations, getting to graduation, and ending my marriage. I was on fire though, dedicated to the pursuit of my PhD and never getting enough sleep. I started working as a behavioral therapist to behaviorally maladaptive teenagers in late March (after working with maladaptive preschoolers from October to January) but by then I was in full swing of my perfect romance story. I was so blinded by the need to find trust, genuine consideration, and reliable love that I didn't follow the advice of my mentors. I didn't write at least 10 different applications, I didn't interview with multiple professors to see if there was a positive relationship to be had, and I assumed I would get the full ride scholarship that I did indeed end up receiving.

I got very little sleep- something I remember hitting me as a novelty. I've been a sleeper my entire life; where other people need 8 hours, I need 10. My natural bio-rhythms have always been off the rest of western civilization and to that end, I have chosen the correct field. I need to be able to work from home sometimes or take a nap because life can exhaust me. I didn't stop to wonder and dig over why I was operating on so little sleep during that time. I had an overly full plate and I just kept moving from one time commitment to another. By May, I was visiting with friends as much as possible and in June, I knew I needed to see them even more because I knew I'd be moving to Australia.

I was scared to leave the world I had created. I was in perfect control of my life, finally was able to drive anywhere without anxiety, suddenly sure that divorce was the right solution for my 'before' family, and that leaving the 4 year old I had helped to raise from 10 months of age was a necessity. He wasn't mine and staying in a confused union wasn't going to change or help that.  I just breezed through it all and finally left Ohio in late August, two weeks after my divorce was finalized.

My partner (the love of my life) and I prepared for a lot. We went over details, where we would live, how we would live in great detail. I was completely unprepared to learn a month after moving that he had been lying to me about something for four months. I was unprepared for the truth that he is an addict and has had over 20 years experience in finely tuning his tastes to the unattainable standards set forth by his self-indulgences. I didn't pause to truly ponder why a person would be a virgin at over 30 years of age or how that would really effect our living situation. I didn't approach our love story with patience or understanding. When I needed patience and understanding to cope with the reality that he has severe anxiety, sexual anorexia, and a host of addictive behavioral issues, I didn't have them to fall back on.

I've been in therapy since I was 12, on and off. I have gone through my 'transformation' ... at least the part where you put childish thinking aside and start dealing with your own issues. I scraped the bottom of the bucket to learn about how my parents shitty relationship effected me. I erected boundaries that my family couldn't cross, I built walls between who I was and who other people were so that my husband couldn't continue to not meet my needs. My therapist has been working with me since 2012 and I've made amazing progress. I'm medication free (I still have a script but rarely use it) and I've learned all kinds of coping skills. I haven't cut since I was 21, I haven't touched damning drugs since 2008, I stopped excessively drinking in 2012 after I entered therapy. We still do Skype therapy and I'm learning all the time how to not let my emotions be dependent on others.

But in all this mix, I'm only just now learning how fucked I really am. It's time to address the blue.
I want my partner and our life. I'm not willing to give it up right now. I wanted this, I came for this, I believe in this. I have a hard time accepting mediocrity in any form and maybe some of the truth is that I disagree with much of my field's teachings. Can partners have different interests? Sure. But we know that couples who stay together the longest, the happiest are folks who have things in common. Opposites attract is really not scientifically sound at all. How much time is reasonable to spend with a partner? Well, now doesn't that vary among responses. I've been fucked by the world and I've never used it as an excuse to do anything but be better. I have severe trust issues, issues that were exasperated by my partner's choice to lie to me but I also know I'm using it as an excuse to not trust in the future. Perhaps I should stop selecting partners who lie because let's be real clear here- I've got a list of men who have lied, cheated, fucked my friends, and gotten me into financial trouble in the past.

Maybe I just don't like being alone. What the fuck is wrong with that? And who the hell is to say that will be forever? Things change and I think if I had a truly trustworthy relationship, I could feel assured in being alone. I like some alone time. I like to make art, I like to write, I like to explore new things. But I like about 2-4 hours a week of 'me' time. I see work as time without my partner. I mean really, you work 40-50 hours a week, there's at least 3-4 hours a week of bullshit (like paperwork) that has to be done (especially when you are a foreigner), cleaning and maintaining the homestead is another 4-5 hours a week, commuting is another hour every day, and of course we are sleeping for a third of our time. So when it's all said and done, in a week, you are down to about 30 hours a week, give or take, that you spend as you wish.  I don't need to spend my free time with lots of different people nor do I want to. I love going out every once in a while and socializing, I enjoy having lunch with my friends and the occasional dinner with other friends. I'm a big fan of having people over for bonfires and hot dogs and there's little I like more than stimulating conversation. But I am the kind of person who only wants one deep connection and the other connections are icing on the cake.  I want a partner, a real partner. I want to spend the majority of my free time with my partner. Not only is he endlessly fascinating but no one is going to look out for me like he does. I have this "soldier" mentality or something. What the hell is a reasonable amount of time to spend away from your partner?

I guess it might come down to a conflict of needs. He needs a lot, I need a lot. I can't stand the idea of it. Our story is my most cherished thing and everyday I see it becoming more and more bastardized. I keep thinking about what ChiefMitch wrote about spirituality and relationships. I re-read it over and over again...My partner is trying his best to achieve some sort of enlightenment. It's difficult because I regard his friendships as mostly surface and I am an incredibly deep thinker. It's difficult to be around his friends when they just seem like flaky crust on a mediocre sandwich. I see so much self-indulgence and that's what I'm trying to evict- too much of that shit rots entire cultures.

I'm blue with it. I want to use with it. I want to forget how fucked up this all is. I want to feel safe. I want to feel loved. I already love me, I'm already safe with myself. It would be better to be physically alone then to be next to only person you've ever loved more than yourself, the person you believe is your chosen soul mate, and feel like that person doesn't want you.

This secret feeling destroys me. I would do anything to get rid of it. Almost.
I'm not using so that's evidence enough that I can withstand this terrible squall of terror, insecurity, and confusion.

No one tells you when you start this thing that the path you are going to go down is so much more than P and addiction. Someone should put a warning label on it. I'm in a severe tailspin and my 'needs' have never been stronger. I feel like the point of life is to break my soul so then we don't 'need' other people. Then we can just take care of ourselves so that we are stable enough to have a relationship, maybe spit out some kids, and keep feeding this pig-fucked system.  Well I don't want to. I want my one love, I want to be known and understood, and I want to be safe.

Safety for me has never come in numbers.
Bullshit revelations.
I sincerely hope this balances itself out because being unprepared for this psychological hurricane has me struggling to get up everyday, fighting to stay focused on what I'm supposed to be doing, and contemplating things I never thought I would come to contemplate- like should i even be here getting my PhD?? Is my PhD just another goal I'm killing myself for, thinking it's going to make me happy, just like I chased my partner to the furthest corner of the world? Maybe I'll find out my PhD isn't trustworthy either.

I want trust. I want that shit so bad I could almost taste it...
but not bad enough to abandon this ugly, crusty, reliable ship of beating P and P fantasy and all the bullshit that gets sold in that lie.

I can finally see that P or Fantasy isn't going to help or fix all this crap. It's just covered it up my whole life.
I'm more tired than I've ever been.
Tomorrow will be aflame, x.

Women / Re: Girl Porn
« on: March 03, 2015, 11:41:46 PM »
Day 53

Holy shit.
I darted off somewhere dark and deep, somewhere I rolled around on my belly and threw pity parties for myself and invited no one else but a place I needed to visit, regardless of the depths of despair I visited. I'm tired and I know I'm battling depression. Not using sucks the life out of me and I'm just not ready to combat it full force. I know I need to take my swimming seriously and I need to be pro-active in addressing to do lists but I'm still sluggish. Pulling my sorry ass over pavement one whimpering inch at a time.

Sometimes I feel completely unloved. I feel scared and unsafe and fearful. I feel like crying and I wish I could muster the tears to waste. There's nothing I can do right now but accept these feelings. They make me want to use and I just keep saying no but continuously saying no to them doesn't mean I've broken through anything yet. I still feel harnessed to my cravings and it is ever an option to cope with the unbearable weight on my shoulders.

I just want to accomplish, achieve, climb. I want to start climbing. I want a bit of security but I'm in a situation where there is no one to love me unconditionally.

I'm going to pull through this. I'm going to figure it out. I'm going to get less confused and it will probably happen gradually and then suddenly. I can't see it yet but I can see that without P, without fantasy, that coping with my choices is bone-breaking work. I've made a lot of bad ones. I've trusted people I shouldn't have. I'm in the midst of feeling completely alone and for some reason, I think that's the way it should be right now. I need to deal with feeling alone and I need to find out if I really am or if I just feel as if I am in order to make better choices in the future.

Good news- I'm still dedicated 1000%... I'm a little punching bag but I'm taking the bruises in stride. I feel like Scarlet O'Hara at the end. I feel like I don't have a lot left but hope is filling me with motivation- after all, tomorrow is another day. x

Dude! 34 days?! I'm stoked bro, I'm so stoked.
There is love man and forgiveness and beauty and I'm starting to see the sun peep out from the clouds every once in a while! Had the first conversation in a long time a few days ago with my Father.
He's hard for me to face.

pillage onward!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Hello. My name is Nolan and I'm an addict.
« on: February 16, 2015, 05:53:33 AM »
You are to 45 days?! I'm so proud of you dude. I'm glad to see you are still kickin' it- you've brought inspiration to me today.

Thanks x

Women / Re: Girl Porn
« on: February 16, 2015, 05:48:43 AM »
Today is stranger, stranger than most.
I have huge choices to make in my life right now, ones that will effect my future (I still can't believe I've grown up enough to start thinking about my future...) and will require extensive planning for any option. Back up plans are useful with any career and it's about time I dealt with the fact that I placed all my academic eggs in one basket believing without a shred of doubt that I would be:  A. Accepted into the program I chose. B. Would receive the full ride scholarship with stipend, relocation costs, and thesis costs despite the overwhelming competition and C. Taking the shortest path to a PhD. I didn't pause to consider my options around the world, no, I was in love so I just focused on making it happen. I like the flexibility education provides to some but I used it to secure my sense of adventure, defy my boredom with the marriage I just left, and embark upon my epic love journey. Not all bad things in and of themselves but now I'm seeing that whenever I grow dull with the problems I have (and won't compromise on) then I fall in love again. I love love love LOVE falling in love.

But how long does it take until I get up and the first thought in my mind is that ____  (insert partner's name here) is in my way. I grow bored and am held captive by P, M, and O. I use my partners to achieve sexual satisfaction and then grow angry at them, silently to myself without realizing I'm doing so, and then suddenly I am tired of this person (whoever he is).  The more I think about it, the more I know it's me. The complaints men have made about me; I'm unyielding, I'm impossible to please, I don't understand how to understand him, I don't care about how he feels, I'm emotionally in tune to myself but not him, I won't compromise... Well, they aren't all foundless; I see. Even my Mom has said, "A lot of women would like to have just one decent man but you've had countless and picked them all apart. You've had so many decent men who work hard and love you."  And I hear her, I do. Not every man I've been with is has been a doll; half of them were abusive assholes with records but the other half were flawed, mediocre, and loved me til I burst.  But here's the problem, Mom. I don't want a decent guy. I want the best guy, or girl. I'm getting in my own way.

Don't get me wrong- my SO has a world of issues and I'll never downplay that solemn truth but he's got the best of hearts and I know it doesn't matter, all his bullshit. His shit is his shit but my shit is my business and I need to clean my mess up. There's shit everywhere and I been' so busy tending his and the guy before him and the guy before him and my parents and my father and the fucker who touched me... that I've not been' tendin' my own lop-sided M.C. Escher emotional prison.

I don't want to fall in love again. I think I may spend the rest of my life getting to know myself because the more I look inward, the more likely I think it is that to clean up this mess, I might not have time for a relationship or children. I am an anxious, leaking facet waiting to learn if compromise and commitment will end up being the wing-hatching assault rifle that I've feared them to be.  If they truly will leave me gasping for air and are as hellish as I've ever imagined trust being; control less, bottom less, loathing.

I never thought I'd have to face the nightmare of myself before I could expect the red carpet I've been demanding all these years.
I wonder if compromise will be the death of me. I hate being alone, I shudder to think it may be the only option if this commitment thing doesn't work out.

Meanwhile, my PhD simmers in a shroud of uncertainty and my future is cloaked with swarming plumes of doubt. But there's one thing that is sure, oddly enough.
My resolve. I feel prepared. I feel uncompromising and strong in my bones. I feel my natural fierceness in a way I never have before, I'm feeling it with patience I've never known. Little drops of it but it brings a calming to my nerves. I feel a funny thing, just around the edges and corners; it could be peace.

I didn't use today and I'm not going to use tomorrow. We'll see about afterwards then.


Women / Re: Girl Porn
« on: February 15, 2015, 03:52:20 AM »
The Friendly Neighborhood Female returns.

It has been a long while, now hasn't it?  Well life just throws curveball after curveball and all this anticipatory, anxiety-inducing hell that's been caused by not using led me down a short but winding path for a small detour in my 'recovery' process. I've been mulling over commitment, what it means (to me), why I've had so many problems with it, and what the difference is between commitment and addiction. 

A number of comments ya'll left have had me spun and I've spent a good deal of time asking myself the questions this forum has brought to my palate. I've been doing my best to stay busy and it hasn't been easy. I've been thinking and rethinking the PhD program I'm in and asking myself if it's right for me, if I should even be in Oz, and where is this path leading...

It's ended in some certainty for me, albeit tough to swallow, I realize that for me, it's time to fully face my inner demons. That means spending more time on myself, with myself and less time concerned for what my SO is doing. The real truth is that if trust is ever to be built between us, there are some things I need to let go as well as some things I need to embrace.

I've found that I'm terrified of commitment and right now I'm letting that sink in and really I'm just fondling the idea in my head. I don't have to trust him right now- I have enough trust and we have a stable enough connection that I believe it will withstand the drama it's been through in the last 6 months. I've backed off much because as it was brought to me- I need to focus on what is available to me. I can't demand what isn't available and I may have demanded the unavailable in the past looking to fill it up in myself. I want to provide certainty to myself and that's what I'm doing. If my SO can't find certainty with time then I'll best know how to handle that when the time comes. For now, staying clean and floating is all that matters.

I realized that I need tangible goals and this comes from recognizing that with fallen rock stars, lotto winners, and food addicts (or anything for that matter), that this process is the key to true blue happiness and contentment because the way I'm quitting this addiction is with bare bones, brutal honesty. It isn't just about quitting this addiction, it's about controlling my own life and destiny and to do that, self awareness must be deepened. I need to learn what I'm consuming away when I use and I think that goes for breaking any ugly cycle.

I'm still working on tangible goals and I know there's more to come with all my thinking thoughts.

I've missed reading on my favorite members and I've missed seeing all your brilliant perspectives. I'll return again soon, and probably with more answers, more questions, a novel to unload here, and more days under my belt.

Today I'm 36 days sober.
Fuck the zero!


Ages 20-29 / Re: Hello. My name is Nolan and I'm an addict.
« on: February 02, 2015, 02:14:29 AM »
fuckin' proud bro.... carry that torch man. I'm right behind you dude x

*waves a sign made from cheap poster board and old spray paint found in Dad's barn*


Ages 30-39 / Re: 30 year old kicking a 17 year addiction – my journal
« on: January 30, 2015, 12:01:30 AM »
oh yeah, from day 12...

Thinking people's behavior is negative towards you is a cognitive distortion called Jumping to Conclusions. There's help out of cognitive distortions... check them out and let me know what you think...x

hey guy- poppin' in to check in. Props on the no internet deal- that's a hard one for most of us. I don't think I'm just addicted to P, I think I'm addicted to the whole damn web.

Don't lose hope. I Corinthians 10:13-14 man- look it up, print it off, read it every day!!

Romans 5: 3-5

Let me know your thoughts. x

Women / Re: How we think its us
« on: January 29, 2015, 09:03:05 PM »
That was wild.

I agree with Gracie that there is extra pressure on women because women are targeted to be beautiful from birth up. There's a constant need to be prettier and our society teaches us to not accept ourselves the way we are. We are invisibly exploited and crammed full of pictures of perfect, young bodies everywhere we go. We are being told that this is what we need to look like and when we realize we don't look like that, confidence and ego takes a hit. Men can get by on more than their bodies- their personalities, paychecks, or compassion can do the trick more often than is the reverse true.

But this is an important thing to be said- no matter what, it isn't our fault. It isn't the fault of the woman that she wasn't pretty enough, thin enough, or perfect enough. That's a manifestation of the larger society's ideals which breaks down her confidence and those two things are what need to be eradicated. Now, I'm not saying that it isn't logical to travel that path- my man keeps looking at young bodies, my body isn't good enough for him. However, your man's body isn't what is looking at young bodies so much as your man's brain is looking at young bodies and his brain will biologically tell him to pursue avenues where spreading his seed will impregnate the best. So it becomes a man's social responsibility to match his line of thinking and maturity with his age and this should be done from birth up (via mentorship, parenting, etc). But just like women aren't being groomed for confidence from birth up, men aren't being groomed for this kind of maturity from the ground up.

We are all living in a world where we are being pumped full of our poisons from every angle for the possibility of making another buck off of us and as long as we continue to play the blamegame instead of blaming the makers of the blame game then we aren't going to end this nasty cycle or the addictions created in order to mass produce enough selfishness which is the demand for the endless supply (of what never satisfies). Low confidence can be easily grouped in the latter statement. x

Women / Re: Ok, so I've been binging for the past 5 days...
« on: January 29, 2015, 08:51:22 PM »
I know exactly how that feels.
It's pretty shitty.

It can get better. x

I couldn't disagree more. I think women pay more attention to faces and men pay more attention to bodies. Women might be better able to look at other factors less discriminantly such as personality, security status, and history than men but that's still collective and doesn't account for individuality- the whole fucking problem with objectification.

Anyways, most people find large eyes, dilated pupils, and symmetry attractive in faces (From Inquiry to Understanding, 2011).

Ages 20-29 / Re: Hello. My name is Nolan and I'm an addict.
« on: January 29, 2015, 08:44:03 PM »
Checkin' in with you bro...

keep dem' chins up! I'm feeling the blue funk mood too and I wish I could just snow white and peace out for a while. So tired.

We chug forward... x

Women / Re: Question for the ladies
« on: January 29, 2015, 08:32:03 PM »
Now, that's a curious set of questions you propose. We don't have enough data on the demographics of women suffering from this but there are people in the process of collecting such data, I'm sure (and I'm one of them).

Warning signs- my hypothesis is that you will be able to see childhood predictors in future addicts of any kind but specifically in regard to sexual, pornographic, or orgasm related addictions, I believe you will find detached parenting styles to the addict, emotional instability, histories of abuse will be common, and perhaps even internalized self expressions. We'll have to see what research says and that will take time but there's every reason to thing that it's a healthy stab. I think examining women will reveal a cataclysmic social construct aiding in their battles.

It would absolutely be creepy for a male specifically but anyone to 'help struggling women' in the friendship or working zones (especially co workers bro). This is a solid forum which promotes boundaries and helps everyone to talk about things most of us aren't talking about in day to day life with anyone but our most trusted loved ones. If there is any place for men to help struggling women, it would be in a professional, therapeutic, or guided atmosphere. For example, workshops, support groups, conventions, or other speaking engagements dealing with this material. x

Women / Re: Girl Porn
« on: January 29, 2015, 08:24:56 PM »
Just About Three Weeks In

I'm over some sort of hump in the road. It's probably like a tiny little hump but it's the first one and it's in my rearview now and I'm really happy about that. I'm not banging my head against walls to the same degree that I was. I've gained some momentum. It's just a little bit easier to say 'No' to my cravings and maybe, just maybe there are fewer cravings.

I'm still struggling with so much. I know I'm in a low-down-dirty-blue-mood funk. I know I'm not very motivated at this point. Some days I'm doing the bare minimum and patting myself on the back when I manage that- other days I don't manage that. I'm trying to be kind to myself and understanding. I'm beating two addictions right now and it is sucking the life out of me and it's understandable that it's sucking the life out of me. I'm tired all the time, I have trouble sleeping, I'm irritable and saucy all the damn time. I'm having bouts of headaches, exhaustion, body aches. I can feel that I'm no longer spiraling downward and that I am headed in the right direction. I'm aiming upwards but it's just very slow right now. I don't want to add extra pressure to go too quickly, I want to experience my struggles so I can appreciate them and get the most from the lessons I'm learning right now.

I'm learning a lot. I'm learning about how deficient I am and I'm looking at the world through this renewed scope of vigor. I've always been passionate and now I'm starting to become positively lit the fuck up. The world is fucked up and all the addictions in all the world are stopping We the People (collectively) from actively changing our world. Our addictions are keeping us down, keeping us self-centered, and preventing us from evolving. I'm toying with heavy ideas; an addiction free world (sugar, orgasm/porn, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, food, etc) would mean that we'd all have to be really emotionally balanced in order to not seek vices in the first place. We'd have to be very well-ordered to avoid temptation in the second place. Wouldn't this make for a structured but dull, dull, dull existence? Humans love and need homeostasis. Most mammals do. We don't like change but it's necessary for growth. I'm stuck on this thought but I'll work it out.

I'll get to working out. I'm tired of pressurizing myself to do, do, do. I have a long path ahead of me and it's going to be a long time before I am where I want to be. I don't know that I'll ever achieve the perfection I see in my head; the body I want, the emotional stability I want, the career I want, the SO and adorable family I want, the traveling I want- I want it all. Mediocrity is not an option for me, that's why I'm quitting these addictions. That's why I'm rebooting. I want a more elite life and believe the benefits to me far outweigh the pain of change. There is a piece of me, though, that I feel needs to settle with itself. I need to accept myself to some degree without accepting mediocrity, stagnant existence, or a passionate life. I need to let myself off the hook a bit and let perfect perfection fade.

I want to explore imperfect perfection.

Great news- I've realized I have used people up and that's a key contributor to some of my trust issues. I believed there was a jar of hearts lined up who had burned me and that's why I didn't trust anyone. I have come to entertain that I emptied those jars of hearts for the same reason I use; because we can't get enough of what doesn't satisfy us. This is going to help my part in my relationship with my SO. It's been a giant whirlwind recently. I want him to have more backbone and be more active in supporting me the way I need to be supported. I should probably let him off the hook a bit too. I've been angry, so angry and I've used that red-hot-simmering-vice to shoot stars out of my face and smoldering words into his chest cavity. Anger is a vice too. I am angry that he lied and cheated and robbed me of trust. I don't forgive him for not being the person he led me to believe he was. I'm upset he hasn't lived up to my expectations and we both knew from the getgo that mine were out of this world. I set the bar high for myself and high for my partner. I'm only now coming to realize that I can keep that bar high (not strip myself of who I am) and still allow us both patience to grow (explore my own flaws).  He's mostly good. I should be thankful for having a mostly good man who gave me most everything I could have wished for (double door fridge with ice maker, water dispenser), flew me around the world and continues to do so, and hasn't quit yet despite his predisposition to do so.

Sometimes I'm such a bastard.
I haven't used today and I won't use today. I might break down crying but I won't use.
I accept this path is the one least traveled and that it will hurt.
It's okay to suffer. x

House Rule: No apologizing for long posts. Be as detailed as you want to be- this is language, linguistically communicate to the best of your ability.

@ntg- my dude, my dude. Practically my sponsor at this point. Keeps tabs on me, mentors me in a way. Your ideas on gut instinct have had my head propelled into philosophy and asking others their perception since you dropped em'. I'm like, drawing on mirrors at this point with the circular direction of my reaction to your ideas. Thank you for causing me to think- no finer thing can be said about a person. I don't agree with everything you think but your thoughts cause my own (and I'm sure you ignite the same in others). You're right about more than you aren't. I have some momentum now, I'm seeing things a little bit clearer now, and learning these triggers is the difference between beating my head into a wall and taking a walk along the beach. I'm glad you weighed in when you did- I almost made a hasty decision I likely would have regretted. Now I'm trying to focus on letting myself experience this journey and the emotions that come with it...without making big choices while in this state. You're right about my warrior- time to get out the war paint. x

@jkkk - you have a bright insight and I'm glad you shared it. I think am guilty of focusing on the unattainable archetypes in my head that P and me have created. The longer I'm away from these things, the easier it is to appreciate my SO. x

@chiefmitch - Wow. I've read a lot of what you have to say and frankly, you blow my mind. Your story moves me. Your words inspire me. A sidedish: self-confidence was never the issue, for me it's arrogance and P makes that 1000% stronger. Your novel is completely novel- exactly what good stories should be. You are welcome to novel on my page whenever the hell you'd like. You add to everything you comment on, you pull it apart like a slow cooked brisket, and you layer it in well-thought out structure without detracting from the natural flavor of the piece. Your experiences have helped to influence mine. Thank you. x

@nomox3 - Thanks for avoiding your triggers and making your way through the waves brother. I think you are def onto something- control. I want to pull that apart. Define my goals how and where? PhD- defining goal of my life. Obtain my dream body, emotionally stabilize, swim with dolphins, what kind of goals man? I have lists and lists of goals. You floor me when you propose that not achieving goals may be a worthwhile pursuit for me. That one will have me thinking for your words dude. Also: hijack, write long posts, no apologies. x

@Bibbity - No, I haven't. I don't see the point in doing so. I live my life, I experience my stories and my perception is key to my freedom from this addiction- like the other hurdles before this one.  I appreciate your perception- it's certainly different and therefore refreshing... but I believe our stories are ours to interpret, tell, and write. Most the chapters aren't yet written and I'm excited to write them how I want them to be- not how this has taken control of my life.  I disagree about pigeonholing a damn thing; I'm a partner helping an SO through addiction as well...but I'm also an addict working through addiction and a big part of addiction is __________ (insert personal statement here).  x

Ages 20-29 / Re: Hello. My name is Nolan and I'm an addict.
« on: January 25, 2015, 08:56:00 PM »
Nolan-  Oh yes you can buddy. Oh yes you can do it all, you can beast the whole entire fucking world. Be scared just don't be TOO scared. Know your fear, ponder your fear, name your fear and then dare it overcome you. I named my fear Challenge and he is my biggest motivator. I love telling him to fuck off and I love how small he gets when I accomplish something I said I was going to accomplish.

Nolan, Nolan. Say it over and over again. Look in the mirror and tell yourself everyday that this can be done and you will do it- the all of it. All of the pressures are surmountable and you are the one to do it. It's called self-talk and people who engage in positive self-talk have healthier senses of self and tend to succeed far more than people who engage in negative self-talk. Change your self-talk, charge your self-talk.

And eat more veggies. x

you can do it, you are doing it, keep doing it- Using is NOT an option x


I'm trying to figure out if I can send attachments in the private message function on here. I'll figure it out... your brain seems to be crunching more than just your story and I like that you are looking at the social impact of P. I'm pickin' up what yer puttin' down man. This shit is toxic to kids and I'm definitely concerned about what's going to happen when today's children grow up and have problems with relationships, creating connections, family, and thinking outside themselves. How the hell are they going to run the world?

Your head is in the right place- keep asking the harder questions and revealing the larger picture. This thing doesn't just effect you and I and everyone here. The impact is yet unseen upon the future...

You can do it x

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