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Messages - Gracie

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1
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Please help
« on: January 07, 2019, 09:35:45 PM »
Here is wishing you a good birthday!  Hepefully you are doing better.  This is difficult to wrap our brains around as partners and we truly feel like we are going crazy.  Please reach out and ask anything you like.  We are here for you!

Gracie

2
Porn Addiction / Re: Rewiring in relationship or marriage
« on: January 01, 2019, 10:24:39 PM »
Well I guess in a roundabout way it is a successful rebooter.  My husband rebooted. Been clean 7 years.  And what i wrote is what we did.  Maybe pretend my name is Fred and I am talking about my wife and I.

3
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Please help
« on: December 30, 2018, 08:56:30 AM »
My one piece of advice for now is get the book I mentioned and read the blog as well.  A lot of great info for both SO and addict.  Keep taking care of your self and keep talking with your husband.   Good job with credit card statements.  He sounds committed to change and to helping you!

Gracie

4
Porn Addiction / Re: Rewiring in relationship or marriage
« on: December 30, 2018, 08:50:48 AM »
Try Kareeza.  My husband and I talked and came up with an interval of time to engage in being naked together.   I needed  physical touch.  We agreed on every other night.  We kissed cuddled did Kareeza.  Mostly no sex.  We had full body hugs morning and night in bed.  Slept nude.  Kissed hello and good bye, everytime we went somewhere with out the other, work, store, errands, every time.  That was what tuned us in to each other.

5
Porn Addiction / Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« on: December 28, 2018, 02:49:33 PM »
Thanks Gabe for your response.  As a partner, I do not care when someone talks.  I want it in the light.  I want people talking.  I want people to know that it causes consequences.  Whether some one talks as they are using, rebooting, a day after or a gazillion years after, makes no difference. Bring it forward!

Gracie

6
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Please help
« on: December 28, 2018, 02:30:09 PM »
It was good to see what you wrote D22.  I too looked back and could actually pinpoint when this all escalated to what I call "gee I don't like my wife anymore".  He withdrew, from me, the kids etc.   As a result, we were manipulated to only consider how anything would affect him.  When you read other SO writings you will see Narcissism is there.  And the men's journals often reflect this as well.  So yes we were manipulated. 

The hard thing for us as SOs is to realize that our husbands were looking through addiction glasses.  The world they see and saw was not real, it was filtered.  Not until we were a year and a half out did my husband realize how altered his world view was.  He realized quickly the pain and distrust he had sown was.  My complete brokeness was evident.  Even now 7 years out, he says he cannot believe the man he became.

The hard thing for me to acknowledge is that I looked at things through the filter of my pain and hurt.  I had to make a committment to what I wanted.  Did I want my marriage to continue?  Did I want to end it?  We, my husband and I, came to the conclusion we loved each other.  We worked together.  Sometimes one step forward and three back.  But work we did.  I still have painful times.  I still have tears.  But not often.  And I am glad I did not walk away from 26 years.    However, he made the decision to change and leave porn behind.  And he did change. 

7
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Please help
« on: December 26, 2018, 09:54:44 AM »
Hello, and I am glad you found this site!  Your story has parts that sound exactly like my sory.  Married, husband goes to bed later, sex life sucks, take kids places, comes home from work, watches tv, stays up and on and on.  Fortunately, mine only watched HBO and Cinemax not on computer, but porn is porn.

I was heartbroken.  Literally a babbling mess.  My heart hurt like someone had stabbed me.  That was 7 years ago.  We are together and in love.  But, the walk to here was not easy.  It is work.

First go to markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com. Read everything in the tabs across the top and then read the blog material.  Tell your husband he needs to read them as well.  Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer wrote a book, Love You Hate the Porn. Buy it and read it. These two things were what gave me hope.

Your will need to set boundries for your husband that will help you trust again.  So think about that, what will it take.  My first boundry was he and I go to bed at the same time and remain in bed all night.  For me that was non-negotiable.  Then I worked on others.

Your husband has a problem.  The hardest thing about this is he has to decide to get rid of porn. You cannot do that for him.  But take care of you.  Know that you have worth!  You are a mom, you are a caring person. You are important.   If you like, you can send me a private message as well.

Peace


8
Porn Addiction / Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« on: December 26, 2018, 09:27:17 AM »
Remington, what matters most is you said it outloud to someone.  It does not matter when ( although I do have a caveat I will explain).  Telling holds you accountable to remain free.  If you never tell, it is easier to relapse because no one will know.   Speaking outloud uses many of your senses and that is what makes the commitment real. You think what you say, your mouth is used to speak, your ears hear the words.  It further grounds you in your commitment to be rid of porn.  Good for you!

Now the caveat.  As a partner, I feel if you are married or in a long term committed relationship, you should tell.  I have a few reasons.  One is sitting and telling your partner is painful to them. I will not deny that.  But, it is far less painful than the partner discovering the use.  That my friend is devastating.  And as painful as disclosure is, it allows two to work on the problem.   My husband did not realize what it had done to him until we talked about how different he became. And how he made a decision about our sex life without including me. 

The other reason is, without telling your partner, it is easier to use and no one else knows.  Communication with your partneris the linch pin of use.  Porn causes the user to disconnect from others and becomes a false reliver.  Living in your head is not the answer.  To truly leave porn use behind, you must reach out to others for comfort, encouragement, understanding and most importantly love.

Just my thoughts.   And keep telling to those yoh can.  Bring this out of the darkness.




9
Perhaps the wife needs truly taken under your wing.  I know I helped someone and I am pretty forthright.  When she heard my brokeness at finding out and then my path it encouraged her.  I spoke of a wife's right to have a whole sex life and committment from her husband.   I explained that by choosing porn my husband did not include me in choice or choosing how our intimacy should be. 

Most men seem to be focused on the physical result of a body on porn.  They seem to be reluctant to discuss the very real psychological trauma to them through the change in their relationships.   And that is the piece, when it becomes the focus that brings long lasting healing. Read Saving my Soul's recovery . 


10
Porn Addiction / Re: Commit to Commitment in your Marriage
« on: November 28, 2018, 07:06:07 AM »
Rich,
I have avoided responding here hoping some of the other rebooters would read this and comment on the wisdom of your words.  I say that because when we women comment sometimes the thread just stops.  I was hoping others would have an aha moment and comment.

I want to say the process of healing from porn is attaching yourself to real live human interaction and communication.  We, as humans, are not made to respond to pixels.   We need love and that means giving love and receiving love.  We need caring which also works both ways.  We need companionship.  Once my husband worked through this, we are in a place that makes us now understand we are one.  Being totally committed to another is amazing.

Work it out like an equation. Susie plus Fred equals love and committment.  Not Susie plus Fred plus porn equals love and commitment.  There are only two in a relationship.

11
Hey all watched the vids back to back this am.   You all need to watch!  Very well put together!  I was IMPRESSED!   Great job to you as well Gabe!!!

12
Ages 40 and up / Re: Time To Make A Change
« on: November 18, 2018, 09:19:52 AM »
Sounds like you are doing well!  Go to this site below.  It has a lot of information for both husband and wife. 

http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com

13
Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: November 16, 2018, 09:49:28 AM »
BOB

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!  KEEP MOVING FORWARD!!!!!

14
Porn Addiction / Re: They Are Using You
« on: November 16, 2018, 06:26:23 AM »
Here's a great article linking porn and sex trafficking.Helps you understand the orgasmic pleasure being portrayed is fake!!!!

https://fightthenewdrug.org/by-the-numbers-porn-sex-trafficking-connected/

15
Gabe!   Thanks for putting this here!   So many need to watch it.  I want to say thank you for facing this addiction head on.  I appreciate that you shouldered the responsibily and shared your story.  Just letting you know!   

16
Porn Addiction / Re: Pills during reboot
« on: November 12, 2018, 05:28:50 AM »
The lustful part has not ever fully came back.  However, having gone through this, our marriage is different.  I believe Mayer's point in telling your wife, is that discovery by her can be a shit show.  Telling her controls emotions much better for both of you.  I was a discoverer after several years of feeling something was off in the marriage.  I actually thought there was an affair even though there was no time for one.  But our intimacy, ie closeness, talking together, sex life was non existent.  Their was no loving touch applied to anything.  So I would say wives know for many years, they just dont know exactly what.   

17
Porn Addiction / Re: Pills during reboot
« on: November 09, 2018, 10:35:50 PM »
It did not make my husband want me more.  I could tell the lust was not there.  There was no feeling of he could not wait to have me.  Sooo no.

18
Porn Addiction / Re: Why kick porn?
« on: November 03, 2018, 09:45:39 AM »
Thanks!!

19
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / My husband/boyfriend uses porn
« on: November 03, 2018, 09:36:34 AM »
This is from my husband and my go to seven years ago.  There was not much out there that did not blame me.   The whole site is helpful!


http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com/p/my-partner-has-porn-habit.html

20
Porn Addiction / Why kick porn?
« on: November 03, 2018, 09:31:35 AM »
Here is information from one of my and my husband's go to in the begining.  7 years ago there was not much in the way of information.

http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com/p/why-kick-porn-habit.html

EDIT: fixed link - Gabe

21
Ages 40 and up / Re: Hope ...... (Male 50 married nearly 10 years)
« on: November 02, 2018, 01:28:51 PM »
So sorry that your marriage did not make it.   This addiction is so hard on relationships.  It is so hard to work through.  I know that I do not know how I stayed with it and all the work.  We had been married for 27 years.  However, I knew I loved him.  I knew if we were apart, I would still love him.  But, my self esteem and everything else was pretty close to zero.  There are days that it still creeps up on me.  And I still worry.  I still stay vigilant.  This will never sneak up on me and take my sense of self ever again.

He has done evrything I asked and he has worked hard too.  Just don't ever let porn into a relationship again.  You are better than porn. 

22
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: October 24, 2018, 05:24:37 AM »
Just saw your post.  Sorry you are having illness.  That is the worst.  Hope your husband and kids are giving you well deserved TLC.  Ihave found that when I have health issues especially when pain is involved, the triggers abound in my weary head.  My husband and I figured it out.  I let him know when I have physical pain.  If it overwhelms me, he holds me while I cry.   It is like the pain just opens the door.  Don't know if that happens to you or any of the others on here.  But it sucks.

Take care of yourself.

23
Ages 40 and up / Re: Stress/Anxiety=PMO
« on: October 19, 2018, 06:38:13 AM »
Just a note, rewirng to your wife, should never be reduced to "nailing her"..   This would be a continuation of porn thinking.  Making love to your wife puts it in the appropriate couple bond context.   

24
Ages 40 and up / Re: Hope ...... (Male 50 married nearly 10 years)
« on: October 03, 2018, 10:55:09 PM »
Just an observation here.  67 has said he loves his wife and wants to fight for his marriage.  The operative words being, loves his wife.  How great!!  If one reads, it was not just a chat.  That is all she may have seen, but he admits to the addiction.  Healing from this takes time for both addict and partner.  And hopefull both realize they should be together.   

Hang in there 67.  Time helps!

25
Ages 40 and up / Re: Sunshine
« on: September 27, 2018, 06:31:47 AM »
Tomy, I recommened 7 converstions for a lifetine of love by Sue Johnson.  Read it aloud with your wife.  Pratice loving connection with Karezza.  It helps you reconnect!  And talk.  She is right, you are a good man.  You ae taking a path of change for you, for her, for your marriage, for your children,  and for your life.  How could it be any better?   My husband and I are 7 years past discovery by me.  He has changed for all the reasons I just stated.



Mr. RF.  Not every recovery is about women giving sexual support.   Commuication is the key each and every time.  PAs need to communicate.  My husband not having sex was how I knew something was wrong.  Men have PIEd and Flatline and a host of sexual reaction with their partners as healing begins.  Hard mode give both of them a chance to recover and move forward.  But porn addiction is not about the sex.

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