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Messages - Gracie

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Porn Addiction / Re: Thoughts on sobriety versus recovery
« on: June 16, 2020, 07:56:31 AM »
I too miss the vets from theses sites.  I was searching 10 years ago for answers as I discovered my husbands use.  I slogged in to the sites and asked questions, told them how it felt as a wife, how important a disclosure is, even with the pain it caused.  And it helped.  And I helped.  YBR got a little Wild West and mean. Then Gabe started this site.  It was great! Then we had attacks by men, responses by women that were pretty pointed and then most of the women left.  And on both sides I wonder how did it work out?  Are the people together? Divorced?  I think there is value in having people in for the long haul here.  Be they men or women.  And thanks to you all!

Our mental health does go down the tubes, no denying that!  A lot of men here choose to not let partners know, but that is important.  Then we can talk and help with solutions.   Boundaries are so important during this time.  Don’t ask him if he uses.  Tell him you know he is using and the signs you see and how it affects you.  Tell him what you need from him.  Then see how it works.

Well talk about sex.  Or choose to talk about porn.  Bring it up in a way that is just you talking.  Kind of like at age whatever, I saw porn the first time and I became very curious..  I kept looking at porn.  I did not realize the effects it could have.  Tell her some of the effects, the effects it had on you. Then, only if you truly want to stop, you can tell her you are trying to stop.  And then go from there.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Wife of ST posting here
« on: May 04, 2020, 05:20:37 AM »
I have a couple of questions.  Are you able to read books oe websites we recommend?  Just checking so I can respond best.   I hate when anyone has to go through this pain.   We will be supportive here of you.   I am 9 years post d-day.  (The day I discovered his use). My journal is in women’s section. It is titled Surprise.  Let me know!  Peace!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Starting over with a journal after 4 years...
« on: May 04, 2020, 05:12:22 AM »
It has been a while since you have been here.  And as I recall you were a little more open to women hooping in to your thread.  I think the hard part for us when we start working with our husbands through their addiction is all the things that trigger us.  Once we start down this path we become so damned hyper vigilant we are constantly receiving input to analyze for want of a better word.  The reason why is Porn snuck into our life like a thief in the night.   We didn’t know it was there until we found out.  We saw the signs, but thought our husbands would not turn away from us.  But then there it was.  The Secret that was kept.  So we worked hard to recover our sense of self, recover our marriage and move forward.  Then as our marriage and us and our husbands heal we start to relax.  But things trigger us.  After 8 or 9 years post d-day, I had to talk about an issue from then I had not talked about.  It was a decisionI made about yard work that hurt me immensely.  But we talked.  Talk to your wife.  Talk every day.  15 minutes just her and you.  Hold hand when you talk or some physical contact.  We women need communication.  We need reassurance.  We need love.  We need physical touch.  Caring touch not just sex.  Love to you Metal!  You can do this!

I have seen so many divorces here and at the other forum I was a part of.  I think that is the saddest part of this.  For me, it was different, I was older and the kids were on their own and we had grandkids..  Even though I got quite depressed and considered suicide, I ultimately decided I could not live without him.  So I set boundaries and an agenda that worked for me.  They were pretty strict.  I believe some of them are in my Journal—Surprise in women’s section.  But if someone wants to know just ask.  He and I read books together.  The best was Hold Me Tight, Seven Conversations for Love.  It is about communication.  We read it out loud to each other and then talked about what we read.   It helped reframe our talking about what happened how we felt and taught us ways to talk with each other as opposed to at each other.  It was the one with a teal cover not the red cover.  Getting my husband to understand truly betrayal trauma was important as well. That is allI got today.

Women / Re: Surprise
« on: May 03, 2020, 08:01:33 AM »
Gracie here!  Have not posted on this, my thread in 5 years. Wow!  Have stayed posting elsewhere though.  I read through and did not have palpitations once!  Major victory!

Had something pop up from the past.  We hen all this was discovered by me and we went through a couple of hellish years, I quit doing something that brought me great joy.  Taking care of my koi pond.  My husband asked the other day about the water circulation and I started crying.  I told him I stopped because I dressed in yucky clothes to take care of it and I did not want him to see me in those clothes. And then expressed sadness that I let him take that from me.  I was a sobbing mess.  8 or 9 years later.   I told him I was mad that I could not take care of it because of what happened.  Of course it took a year and a half before I would let him see me without make up after d-day.  So I guess sometimes you think it’s over and it’s not!   So dealing with resurfaced feelings!

Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: May 03, 2020, 06:50:55 AM »
My husband and had a moment that brought the past tumbling down emotionally.   We have a koi pond.  I loved my koi pond. I was the one that landscaped it. Bought the fish etc.  Well I had neck surgery in the winter and the next summer I was limited in what I could do.  But slogged through.  Then in the fall I got frozen shoulder, and that brought me to a grinding halt.  Get that taken care of over the winter and then in May was d-day.  I have not done anything with the pond since that day.   It was our project.  I would put on old ratty clothes and have muck and algae on me etc.  I could not do it my self esteem was so low.  The other day, about four days ago my husband asked about the pond.  He never knew why as I didn’t tell him.  I just started crying.  He asked why and I said I loved the pond and the fish.  But I could never put on my pond clothes and look ugly again.  I did not wanting him thinking he needed a better looking person. And that I was mad at myself because I let him take it away.  I still don’t know if I can do it.  So many things even when we think it is over
and more comes. 

Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: May 02, 2020, 08:03:58 AM »
Please know I am sending thoughts and strength your way.   I think once this goes on minimization is what allows our husbands to feel somewhat okay with what’s going on.  Be it porn, masturbation, chores, whatever.  It seems as though there was this part of them we did not know.  I see how you and The person me and I just are at how do we go forward?  Even without relapse, we are wore out keeping it all together.   This takes a toll .    Making no quick decisions is a very good plan!

I would echo Objectified’s comments.  It took over a year before sex was even workable.  We were older than 30s though as well.  He quit cold turkey.  Fortunately his was HBO and Cinemax Latenight not internet.  But it wrecked my trust and that is an important part of recovery for a couple as well. I am not overly suspicious but the blind trust is gone. (I had some trauma in my past which also affects this) That being said he reassures me every day.  Once he got past the sneak looks and leers, and totally committed to me the sex is great.  He says he is amazed at the sex in our 60s.  We are 9 yrs post d-day.  So commit to the relationship you are in.  He has said the porn made it appear I wasn’t interested in sex.  Once we were tuned in to each other Wow!

Ages 40 and up / Re: 5.5 YEARS PORN-FREE!
« on: April 29, 2020, 07:48:33 PM »
Wow Lyon great news!  I often wonder about some of the others.  So supportive of each other and also the partners!  And jjacks good to see you too!

Hey, I think we both took a break around the same time.  I do check in from time to time.  Wow, I don’t know what to say.  Only you know what your boundaries are.  But I would feel so betrayed.   And enforcing our boundaries is hard.  Especially when you work together and have the kids to home school.  Although I can say my husbands butt obsession and long hair preference was ongoing hard work for a number of years. So I would say what I saw and even now will say something if the look is on the glaze look side.  It has been 9 years since d-day.  I will post more later.

Women / Re: Not sure
« on: April 14, 2020, 01:28:24 PM »
Simonly. This was a great response!  Thanks for being considerate of feelings.  Discovering husbands using is a huge shock to wives.  It is akin to being dumped in freezing water and not able to catch your breath!  My husband and I too have worked this through.  But the blind trust I had is gone.  Not that I am suspicious and spying, it is just gone.

It does not mean no orgasm, it means don’t make that the goal.  Concentrate more on the sensual part of lovemaking.  It works!

Look up Kareeza.   Great information to have intimacy while you heal.   

Porn Addiction / Re: Why You Shouldn't Watch Porn During Quarantine
« on: March 30, 2020, 03:00:56 PM »
Thank you for addressing this.  When I read that a paid porn site was giving free access to some that were quarantined, I was upset!  I would never wish the hard work it takes to get through this addiction as a couple on anyone.  It is a process that is for the truly committed! 

Women / Re: Not sure
« on: March 30, 2020, 02:53:42 PM »
It is difficult to talk about.  This has information for both user of porn and their partner.  He also wrote a book with Geoff Steurer, Love You, Hate the Porn.  These are the two thing that got my husband and I to start healing.  You can PM me as well. 

The OP said it felt it was cheating.  20 years he used.  Sex life went to zilch.  Yet he used imagery to satisfy himself, while not being intimate with her.  When someone or multiple someone’s fill your head while ignoring your spouse sexually yep it’s cheating.

Yes, I agree with you it is cheating.   My husband used for a number of years close to same as your yours.   It was very difficult.  We went through this 8 years ago.  It took a lot of talking to get through.  Reading: Love You Hate the Porn helped immensely.  Also was a tremendous help. There is information for the wife as well as the husband.  It does not allow excuses for husband behavior.  A lot of help there.   
Addicts come up with all sorts of excuses for using (she put on weight, she isn’t available, she had surgery, she had cancer, she doesn’t like sex etc.). The book and blog do not support excuses.  Do not let him blame you.  But I want you to know you can make it through!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Time to stop the lies and take control of my life
« on: February 08, 2020, 06:54:38 AM »
You story sounds very similar to my husband’s.  I discovered his use.  He said similar things that you told your wife.  I will say I would not want to go through that first year of recovery ever again and would not wish a porn using partner on anyone.  The struggle for the addict and partner is real.  We are now 8 years post discovery.  And he is not using still.   A great book for you and your wife to get and read is Love You, Hate the Porn by Mark Chamberlain.   It was what started our mutual understanding of one another in this process.  We read and highlighted what spoke to us and then discussed those together.  This is a blog that contains tabs across the top that is a great resource for both partners and the addicts.  It is written by the author of the book and. It has a lot of posts all applicable.

8 years ago there was not much help for  addicts and really zilch for partners.  I started out commenting on an addict site and the men and I asked each other questions about addicts and partners.  I learned a lot and hopefully they did too.  They were mostly kind and helpful.  You can pm me if you have personal questions or ask here.  I do not want any marriage to suffer through this or people to divorce.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: January 24, 2020, 09:14:32 PM »
Safe travels my friend!

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Counselors in Spokane area..??
« on: January 15, 2020, 06:01:36 AM »
I would look for a counselor that practices Emotionally Focused Therapy.  It is big on communication.  Sue Johnson wrot a book Hold Me Tight 7 Conversations for Love.  My addict husband and I read aloud to one another and would stop and discuss things we did similar.  It helped a lot.  She has a webpage and Facebook as well. But EFT is very helpful!  Good luck!

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: What is really going on here?
« on: January 15, 2020, 05:56:08 AM »
This is a tough thing for wives.  A lot of times for me it seemed like a dog chasing its tail.  I will post more later. But, set a small goal to work towards. For yourself.  For me one goal I had when I discovered his use was to wring his  However I went on line to see if there were other women.  At that time not many.  I hopped in to a men’s forum and asked questions and learned a lot and I think they did too.  Spill your feelings here.  Because there are so many thoughts.  You can PM me if their is something you feel is too personal.  But, you are in the right place!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Dark place
« on: December 17, 2019, 10:38:58 PM »
We have had some very angry people on the partner part.  At the height of those posts there were some very unhealthy men attacking the ones posting.  It was very daunting and that is when Gabe asked if I would moderate.  We had several women leave which was sad.  This is a hard road to walk as a PA or the partner.  I would not wish it on anyone.  But I will say, for all the things that could be said, working together is the key.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Uk65tantra
« on: December 14, 2019, 12:50:32 PM »
If attachment is an issue,  read this book with your wife.  My husband and I took turns reading it aloud every night and talked about what we were were reading.  Amazing!

Johnson, S.M. (2008) Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. New York: Little Brown

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