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Messages - Nikola Numez

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1
Ages 30-39 / Re: Weak Erection
« on: Today at 04:26:56 AM »
you are porn user for half of your life, allow 1-2 years for full recovery. its pretty quick turn around if you look at it like that. they say the minimum is 90 days hard mode, you are not even there yet but i believe you will still have ED problems after those 90 days because that is absolute minimum for majority of addicts.

 your body is doing pretty good actually. 50% after 58 days... some people cant get it up for 6 months or more.

i personally had my first successful sex after 30 days. after that i had problems again for another 30 days, then some success again and so on, gradually getting better. after 8 months i was around 70-80% recovered when i relapsed. it can really take many many months. some people have first successful sex after 9 months and fully recover after 1.5 years. think of gabe deem.

patience is in minimum system requirements for successful reboot..

2
Ages 20-29 / Re: 21 and ready to be done
« on: Today at 04:16:26 AM »
Feeling a flatline though which is kind of scary.
smells like inexperience. i would kill a man for a year of constant flatline.

3
Ages 30-39 / Re: Fidelio journal
« on: July 15, 2019, 06:50:01 AM »
i would agree that telling your family would increase your chances. thats a big step.

4
Porn Addiction / Re: Attraction to active shemales
« on: July 15, 2019, 06:47:34 AM »
first off, you are using too many triggering words in a public post. you should keep explicit details for someone who wants to chat with you privately about this.

Quote
you are going to have to detox from hypersexuality in order to work out where you stand on your sexuality and your level of depression
i agree with this. im sure porn is affecting your thinking for the most part so its really impossible to solve your problems without quitting porn and waiting for at least a year or two before making those life altering changes. sounds like you are terrified of your "new" sexual orientation. also it sounds like you really want to be aroused by regular women again. that should tell you something about where you truly stand but you wont feel it until you quit porn addiction. 15 years is a long time so recovery will be relatively very quick (1-2 years)... but we all want everything now, so be patient with the process.

5
Ages 20-29 / Re: 21 and ready to be done
« on: July 14, 2019, 02:37:58 PM »
Quote
It's good that you want to quit and that you're taking steps to do it, but don't be too disgusted with yourself.

i agree with this. dont be disgusted or feel isolated in this. ton of people are in the same boat. escalation in taste is one of the first signs of the addiction and you cant control how its gonna escalate.

6
Ages 20-29 / Re: Struggles
« on: July 14, 2019, 02:33:05 PM »
Start from today. You can do it. First learn everything about rebooting .
also start loving yourself more. if you dont like yourself as you are, you are carrying more unnecessary weight with the every step you take towards anything in life so everything appear harder. love yourself as you are, all the flaws and all the strengths. porn may took your sexual life but you can still have high self esteem and it will help you dump the porn forever.

7
Success Stories / Re: First day of new life
« on: July 14, 2019, 02:18:29 PM »
great story bro, over 30 years of struggle and still at it. congrats. make it even greater. keep the promise.

i will look into that movie, title is very catchy. thanks for recommendation.

8
you might have a natural preferences for big chest and its cool. with quitting porn you will see if that is the case or if it was just the porn induced fetish. you gotta quit porn though, there is no other way.

preference or fetish for big chest may not even be a problem for you. if it does not go away, maybe you truly like them to look like they are part of the solar system. one thing you will solve for sure is the part where you dont find other part of her body attractive. if you can get an erection only for spanish sex, that is going to change for sure, for the better.

sounds like a pretty long standing problem of yours. almost a decade, so dont rush things. if after few months you still have a problem, dont get discouraged.


9
Ages 20-29 / changed for good and how maybe you could too
« on: July 08, 2019, 05:09:58 PM »
i changed for good. for real good. no more suicidal thoughts, no more depression, no more self hate. im sooo much more alive last couple of weeks. its here to stay for sure, it does not go away. its not a day or two, or a week thing. its not just a hype (positive thinking and visualization which always ends up in a crash and endless loop of bouncing from rock bottom back and forth).

people around me sometimes askin if i been drinking or something because i feel and act like im perfectly drunk (not too much, nor wishing for another sip). actually i stopped drinking 3 weeks ago. i been drinking for a year or so pretty regularly so they automatically think im drinking when i feel and act relaxed and socially engaged, loud and clear and energetic.

my problem was the absolute hate i felt towards myself for a decade. every day i wanted a mma match against myself. i wanted to absolutely rearrange my face. just a horrible existence day in and day out. i was never a fan of positive thinking. i always thought thats just lying myself and i always kept it real with myself. i really really like that i always try to keep it real with myself. pursuing six packs, good clothes and shit like that was never my goal for self acceptance because its just an outside thing and i hated myself from the inside. i thought wanting all that outside thing is even more dumb because it has nothing to do with me loving myself more its just about others approving of me more. just another bullshit.

so with positive thinking and six pack abs, success, more money and all that crap out of the picture, i started thinking how i can really truly love myself without looking for outside approval and without bullshitting myself. it seemed impossible for a long time. im not gonna say to myself good things and look for positive things in myself if i feel suicidal. i love keeping it real, i aint never changing that. so there i figured out solution. i tried loving myself exactly as i am. im not lying that im smart, good looking, good guy. not everyone can be all pretty, confident, determined, generous man or woman. a lot of us are plain dumb fucks, ugly ass bitches, cheats, liars and straight up failures. fuck trying to paint a good picture when at the core its fake and its just a facade trying to fool yourself. fake it till you make it they say, which can be true for some things but not for self love. self love must be true from the start or it falls apart as soon as you hit the next curb.

i figured i dont really need to be good, smart, pretty, successful, porn free or anything..... such a burden off my soul. it actually took relatively really short time of trying to love myself exactly as i am, to change tremendously. from rock bottom suicidal guy who absolutely truly and very passionately despise himself, i became average joe or maybe even little above average, in 3 weeks. i would say in 3 days actually, because i felt such a difference after those 3 days that i just lost the motivation to keep going and enjoyed new me since then but im not done yet. its going to be an ongoing process. i feel like there is no end to this. i see people with huge capacities for self acceptance and i see a lot of room to improve.

ironically i started to think 200% more positively about myself without trying. i dont think im dumb anymore, i think im intelligent and its real to me. i may not be so smart, i dont know a lot of things like other people, i never liked school, i dont read a lot of books, but im intelligent. im honest, i know whats important and what is distraction. being fat is no longer such a big deal. the type of food i eat became more valuable point of focus, not # of pounds. i lost couple of pounds in these 3 weeks, without trying. i stopped drinking. when i talk with people im so much sharper. im loud and clear and social. no more afraid to make a sound.

i changed big time, without dealing with porn addiction and i see a lot more clearly where and how porn addiction affects me. porn addiction was the root of evil for me until i figured that despising yourself day in and day out cant be good either and maybe trying to change that could be a smart way to go about life in general, not just porn addiction. i still fuck up with relapses, im just an average joe, but holy gods its another world. now i totally understand average joes. i understand how they have the will to live and how the obstacles in life dont bother them for too long. they cant grasp idea of suicide. simple interactions, hanging out, goals and shit like that is fun. my voice is total shit and i occasionally sing sometimes. must be weird for my family to see me like this. my mother changed and is more engaging with me, we never talked too much for too long. i find family more fun to hang around. i just wanna fucking jump from my chair sometimes and sing and dance and laugh. im no more that guy who indirectly brings everyone down with so low energy and total unwillingness to joke around. now we laughing our ass off at least once a day in my house.

i been on a such a low ride for such a long time i could easily live for life with occasional relapses and PIED, happier than a lot of people without porn addiction. still thats not an option and its still hard but it feels more possible. also i see where porn addiction is bugging me, it really does not makes me suicidal. i was making myself suicidal. i thought porn addiction was the really root of everything because if my brain is fucked, im fucked too. there was no point in working on something besides healing my brain if im fucked up in the brain. yes there is disbalance in the brain, sleeping is worse, energy is sometimes lower, sometimes you dont feel like hanging out with people, sometimes im dizzy for few days after relapse. i have panic attacks. that is porn addiction, those are symptoms that are going away and cravings are coming in with time away from porn. the line between me sabotaging myself and porn addiction sabotaging myself is clearer.

i also learned that accepting something you think is bad about yourself, does not make you complacent. it elevate the suffering and shows you whether or not thats even a problem in the first place, and if it is, it gets you going in the right direction instead of just being stuck with it.

loving yourself BECAUSE you are the way you are, NOT because you will change, is a game changer. we cant all be nice people, we have so much insecurities and lack so many good things in our character, its ridiculous to hate or dont like yourself for it.




10
Welcome!

I had PIED for 12 years and after about 100 days of rebooting I was able to have successful sex with no malfunctions at all. 100 days seem like a long long time but after a while the days seem to fly by. It gets easier after a while, it really does. It's critical for you to pass the ~60 days mark because the DeltaFosB starts dissolving at that point which will reduce your cravings and withdrawals by a huuuuuge margin.

You seem very determined which is good but don't be to hard on yourself if you should relapse. No negative self-talk, it will make everything worse. Be kind to yourself it will help you, not only concerning the reboot. Furthermore, now is a good time to look at your life and start improving things little by little. Maybe you are drinking too much, maybe you are eating too much fast food, maybe you are playing to much video games and so on and so forth. On top of that, be aware that you are a PMO addict for life. So, you are not looking for a short term solution to fix your ED/anorgasmia but to lay a foundation on which you can lead a healthy life and leave porn behind for good.

Kudos for opening up to your friends! Not only will it help you regarding the accountability but it also reduces shame a lot that some PMO addicts carry around. It also shows you that you are not a monster because you are addicted to watching people having coitus interruptus on a screen. It's not the end of the world and it won't be the end of the world if people came to know about it. Actually it's not that big of a deal as we like to think sometimes (excluding the negative consequences/ED/general malfunctions that it brings). Moreover, and I know it is not an easy thing to do, but stop dwelling on the "lost years". There is plenty sex to be had in the future. Nothing good will ever come of it if you get sad and angry while thinking about your past. Focus on the present and future, that's the only thing that counts!

Take care!
holly molly. i totally felt like you talkin to me. i dont know what is this topic is all about because im just drunk scrolling down and boom someone is talking to someone with negative self talk, who is into alcohol and video games. deltafosb is a real thing to me too, i always fail before 60 days and shit like that. your whole post, you got me.

11
Ages 20-29 / Re: My new philosophy of life
« on: June 08, 2019, 04:25:03 PM »
whats your new philosophy? long term happiness over short term happiness?

after 4 days you started to feel like childhood happiness coming back to your body. it took you 4 days? thats a long term battle tested shit.

welcome to this forum man. if you know english, you will realize pretty quickly im a party crasher around here so dont get discouraged, keep going you are doing good for now. there is no other time than now. for a reason its called PRESENT. its a present, you keep feeling and doing what you do and you will do good and be happy.

12
Ages 20-29 / Re: starting again
« on: June 08, 2019, 02:07:17 PM »
winners dont quit. quitters dont win.

13
Ages 30-39 / Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« on: June 08, 2019, 11:54:46 AM »
okay then i misunderstood you or you was not clear enough. getting super sexual in a goodnight text conversation sounds like sexting to me. okay i think i now know what you meant. sexy comments will spontaneously happen from time to time its okay.

you are close to double digit days, keep going you doing alright. stay careful about your communication with your girlfriend now that you are separated. 

14
Ages 30-39 / Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« on: June 08, 2019, 11:23:13 AM »
Also its not a good sign that you got EXTREMELY turned on by sexting with your gf. You get turned on by porn anyway. If you want to quit porn, goal is not to get extremely turned on by porn but to avoid it at all times.


15
Ages 30-39 / Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« on: June 08, 2019, 11:09:46 AM »
As a porn addict struggling to recover from porn, it is extremely bad idea to have sexual text conversations. For the first few months, less and less porn cues will turn you on more and more. That is normal because you are depriving yourself for long periods of time and the brain still did not adapted to life without porn, but it is very bad to intentionally get yourself turned on by porn because cravings can get out of control pretty quickly.

I know you have no PIED so maybe you can get away with some texting i dont know... But the message is for those who are reading this and are having PIED. No porn whatsoever is the only path to recovery.

Porn is not just extreme bullshit on tube site. It can be soft, it can be sexting, reading erotic stories or talking on the phone about sexual stuff that turn you on. Whenever you are getting aroused by yourself, you are using porn. When you are on webcam or on the phone with your gf, if you look around yourself, you are still by yourself. Think of yourself as a porn user, not a porn watcher.

Sorry to crash your party but I see you have hundreds of views and I bet a lot of them are PIED or hardcore cases. I dont want them to get an impression that is okay to use sexting or any other type of porn as a substitute for tube sites.



 

16
Ages 20-29 / Re: starting again
« on: June 07, 2019, 03:44:59 PM »
back to day 0.

17
Ages 20-29 / Re: starting again
« on: June 07, 2019, 09:09:59 AM »
benefit of PMOing for me is a lack of cravings. PMOing kills craving and thats the main reason i relapse. all the other symptoms like depression, loneliness, low energy, low libido, insomnia, anxiety etc. im fine with that because none of it makes me relapse.

last few months im having a old black and white phone with no internet so i was not able to have any software but im going back to android because this old phone is dying. i have no more sound so calls, messages, alarm i dont hear anything its pretty useless. i used rewire companion. i dont think some app can save me because i went few months with no internet on phone or computer but i still relapsed many times.

on the positive side, its day 4. in the last 4 days i was wasted only yesterday. alcohol became my big drug for the last few months. im on a mission to cut my alcohol intake as much as i can. im fucking hangover and sleep deprived all the time.

yesterday though i got so wasted i went out of my town and spent most of the night laying in grass with some stray dog and sleeping on bench. couldnt care less what anyone thought about me because nobody knows me there. it was freezing though, i did not expected to get so cold outside during the night. i was only in t shirt and shorts because it was hot that day. i actually went to my friends who are 45min of bus ride away but it was already almost midnight and when i came to their town i was like fuck it i dont wanna bother them (friend and his gf) like that so i went full homeless mode because there was no bus to take me back to home. bought more beer and layed around the town drinking myself to sleep.

so no alcohol today. i have no cravings still. i feel better telling something to someone. i will be aight.








18
Ages 20-29 / starting again
« on: June 05, 2019, 04:48:40 PM »
okay im gonna start again. it cant hurt i guess. another journal, i havent done one in a while. i dont know what im gonna write but im gonna write something. i have no special title for this journal because this reboot does not feel any different than 100s of others i previously failed. yes i relapsed 100s of times. i know some people are like "keep going i failed 30 times before recovering" but not me. when i recover its gonna be like... i dont even know let me think about it... holy crap around 1000-1500 times. i used calculator for this one because its been years and i fail multiple times a day sometimes so its hard to calculate it in my head. sometimes i relapse in the morning and then i feel determined "like never before" not to do it ever again and fail by the evening of the same day. no wonder i wanna kill myself. over thousand relapses...

my last relapse was on june 3rd. that was 2 days ago. its close to midnight so its gonna be 3 days soon. i started this journal because i realized i have no accountability partner and this can make me more determined to quit. i guess someone will read and the more people are reading i may feel more obliged to keep going when the going gets tough.

....i just wrote a big post shitting on my life, how bad it is. i realized i feel bad when i do that so i deleted it. maybe i will start mixing something good with something bad but its too late now to write another story so good night everyone. 

19
Ages 40 and up / Re: 30 years on porn!
« on: June 05, 2019, 04:16:38 PM »
yeah it can take a lot more than 6 months. gabe deem said it took him 9 months to have a first successful sex but continued to have problems up to 18 months. i think it takes 1.5-2 years to fully recover.

Quote
Im anxious, no porn for 6 months and libido still at zero.
not 6 months though, you are at 5 weeks... masturbating with fantasies is a porn use. its important to know exactly what is porn use because you need to stay away from it, forever.

look at any lonely activity that is arousing to you as a porn use. dont limit it to high speed internet porn. it can be fantasizing, reading erotic stories, watching magazines, web cam chat, teasing over the phone, sexting etc. if you are alone and it is arousing, its porn use. some of the things that are considered porn use are not even images or videos (like erotic stories or talking through phone) but its not the eyes that are seeing things, its the brain. you can close your eyes or sleep and still see things. eyes just let the light inside. in other words, some activities maybe lack images or videos but they cause fantasizes and that is lonely activity that arouses you aka porn use aka the drug you are recovering from.

really strong flatlines can be a blessing for your reboot because they also affect one of your biggest enemies, cravings. good luck to you sir, seems to me you had enough of porn in your life. you started before i was born, that is enough porn for you to not miss it or need it ever again  :)

20
Porn Addiction / Re: For anyone struggling with unhealthy fetishes
« on: June 05, 2019, 02:48:29 PM »
with overcoming unhealthy fetishes, it comes down to quitting porn. its same as any other porn related brain problem, but its good to have more communities and different niches for recovering addicts so they can be understood more by others. here some people just dont have a capacity to grasp the idea of escalation in taste towards homo/hetero sex and HOCD problems and it can lead to more confusion and more panic among HOCD cases.

21
Ages 30-39 / Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« on: June 01, 2019, 04:08:34 PM »
Quote
I feel immensely relieved to have 24 hours free from it
you rarely went 24h without porn and 7 days without M is a distant memory?

do you have a PIED with your gf?

22
Ages 30-39 / Re: facing my worst fears
« on: June 01, 2019, 11:40:02 AM »
Those chicks arent real
what chicks, in hentai porn?

23
well then you should start with being honest with your GF about your situation. pretty simple but not easy.

24
Porn Addiction / Re: abstinence versus understanding
« on: May 25, 2019, 04:47:35 PM »
how stupid of me, just to crash a party without any positive note. but im not successfully recovered so i guess that was my reasoning. anyway, i think self esteem is the crucial ingredient if you want to quit porn. all the business and everything else is not going to work if you think you are not worthy of the good life, you dont love yourself completely. look at gabe deem. he says he did not had any traumas growing up. how many of you can say that? his good picture of his growing up shows lack of major factors that affect most people self esteem during growing up. i know he also paints that picture to show that porn addiction can snatch anyone, it does not take your parents raping you to become susceptible to porn addiction but that is another thing. he recovered though, without relapses! 

i base this thought process purely based on me. i despise myself, every relapse i go to bathroom and growl at myself in the mirror.

self esteem is extremely hard to work on because nobody talks about it, there is so scarce knowledge and understanding on such an important topic. thats why most people are scared and shy or arrogant and disrespectful (while thinking high/low of themselves).

EDIT: my first sentence is about how stupid i am. thats as far as my self esteem goes. it can get really subtle and unnoticeable but im working on it, im doing better than yesterday :)

25
Porn Addiction / Re: abstinence versus understanding
« on: May 25, 2019, 04:23:00 PM »
yeah understanding > will power. one of the first things that you understand is that eroded will power is a sign of an addiction.

keeping busy though is logical but it does not work like advertised. you cant be busy for 10 months straight. especially with porn addicts, they lack motivation, focus, energy, drive etc. maybe you get all excited in the first few weeks but its the easiest part anyway...

you are going to have to deal with irresistible cravings no matter how busy you are. i know because craving snatched me when i was the busiest i could be. there was also times i was like 90% free and 10% busy and i relapsed during those 10% because maybe holy fuck i get stressed out or someone does or says something appealing during work and guess what, there is bathroom nearby. it does not take nearly as much to relapse after 2 months and get the strongest chaser effect as it takes during first 2 weeks. thats true at least if you are addicted since teenage years and now with PIED case because i can only speak for myself. im noticing one thing that confirms why gabe deem kept it straight since day 1. something i and most addicts lack and when i look at him and his story, he definitely has it. im not gonna talk about successful recovery until i achieve one so im just saying, there is something more than keeping yourself busy. its fine, get busy, socialize, move your pc to living room or use libraries, pick up girls, go to bed earlier, work out, meditate, eat healthy, stay sober, use porn blockers, ban internet access in your house etc. do whatever you can but in the long term its not magic, the real turning point is awaiting you. 95% porn addicts knows it "all" and still fail. truth may be depressing but its still the truth.

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