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Messages - Nexus974

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Ages 40 and up / Re: I’m a mess
« on: January 08, 2020, 03:10:32 PM »
I appreciate the kind words but the truth is I am a mess. I almost tripped up today but managed to stop myself. Is my porn use really the problem or is it just a symptom. The truth is that I hate myself. I truly despise the piece of shit that stares back at me in the mirror. I feel like any day now, any minute, I’ll be exposed for the fraud that I am. I have no business drawing breath. None. Most days I deal with it. Other days, like today, it gets overwhelming. These are the days I’m most tempted to use porn. But now the junkie is clean and having to deal with my self loathing without a crutch.
The worst part is there’s no real reason for me to feel this way. I have a stable job I’m good at that pays the bills. I have a wife, daughter, grown step kids, even grandchildren. I have a nice house on a cul da sac in a nice neighborhood. On paper I have an ideal life, about as American Dream as it gets. It’s a far better life than I deserve. I should be grateful. But in stead I feel like an irredeemable failure, a loser who has faked his way through life.

Ages 40 and up / Re: I’m a mess
« on: December 24, 2019, 11:03:32 PM »
You're not a mess, some days are just hard. Everything you are going though is getting you closer to where you belong.

The problem is even at 53 I’m not sure where I belong. I’ve been with my wife for 19 years but I’m not sure I want to stay married to her. Her behavior is manipulative and borderline abusive. But we have a teenage daughter who is special needs and will never be independent. Also my wife’s health is failing. She can barely get around and I’m not sure she could get by without me. I’m not a happy man but I gut it out day by day for family.

Ages 40 and up / Re: I’m a mess
« on: December 24, 2019, 09:10:07 AM »
Merry Christmas gentlemen

Ages 40 and up / Re: I’m a mess
« on: December 21, 2019, 01:19:49 PM »
2 months porn free. I’m still a mess.

Ages 40 and up / Re: I’m a mess
« on: December 18, 2019, 12:52:53 PM »
It’s been nearly 2 months since my reboot. I’ve been porn free since October 21. The daily temptations to use are fading. The idea of porn now feels unnatural to me.

Ages 40 and up / Re: I’m a mess
« on: December 11, 2019, 01:36:43 PM »
The worst part of this ordeal is discovering just how alone I am. I have no friends. I’m married but my wife isn’t the kind I can lean on. I have siblings but I have never been close to them. I have tried and failed to beat this addiction on my own. Maybe I’m not capable of doing this on my own but I have no support network. I did have one friend I could count on but she’s cut me off. So what to do when you need help with something but have no where to turn...

Ages 40 and up / Re: I’m a mess
« on: December 11, 2019, 01:13:29 PM »
I’m writing this because I’m feeling tempted to use again. I began my reboot on October 21. I’m pushing 2 months now. I’ve come this far and don’t want to break my streak.

Ages 40 and up / Re: I’m a mess
« on: December 03, 2019, 09:04:31 PM »
I’m going on 6 weeks into my reboot. I’m still a mess but at least this part is going well.

Ages 40 and up / Re: I’m a mess
« on: November 24, 2019, 10:46:24 AM »
I’m over a month into my reboot. This morning my wife and I both woke up in amorous moods. I won’t go into details except to say that EVERYTHING worked exactly as God and nature intended! It’s been a long time. I feel connected to my wife again!

Ages 40 and up / Re: I’m a mess
« on: November 20, 2019, 06:23:11 PM »
It’s been a month porn free.  8)
So far so good.

Ages 40 and up / Re: I’m a mess
« on: November 12, 2019, 12:07:37 PM »
Looks good. I’ll check it out.

Ages 40 and up / It’s a slow day...
« on: November 12, 2019, 11:54:54 AM »
...and it’s on a day like this that I’m most tempted to watch porn. So I’m posting here to keep myself distracted. How do you all keep yourself occupied when the evil urges hit?

Ages 40 and up / I’m a mess
« on: October 29, 2019, 02:55:41 PM »
I am 53 years old and I’ve been struggling with porn addiction for years. Even now as I type this I am sitting alone and am tempted to watch porn on my phone out of boredom. I am 8 days into my reboot.

Ages 40 and up / Re: 50 year old MGTOW
« on: December 26, 2016, 12:51:17 PM »
Day 18
Home alone. Before my reboot I would likely have never gotten out of bed. But now sans porn I find I have an incredible amount of energy and managed to get a great deal done today. Porn truly is poison. It's saps energy and drive. I'm happy to be rid of it.

Ages 40 and up / Re: 50 year old MGTOW
« on: December 24, 2016, 01:25:44 PM »
Merry Christmas to all!

Ages 40 and up / Re: 50 year old MGTOW
« on: December 21, 2016, 09:07:23 PM »
Day 13
I saw my doctor today for my annual checkup. My health is very good for a man my age.
It's been nearly 2 weeks since my reboot. I'm not feeling any withdrawal symptoms. Whether that's because I've been so busy lately or because I had sex this past weekend I can't say for sure. Whatever the case may be I'm grateful. I am determined to remove the demon pornography from my life for good.

Ages 40 and up / Re: 50 year old MGTOW
« on: December 20, 2016, 09:49:25 PM »

If anything, the sex was ok and good. Perhaps not a scientific result, but it is a re-affirmation that this maybe things are getting better.

That pretty much mirrors my recent experience. My body responded naturally but my potency wasn't quite up to snuff. On the plus side I did get at least some potency and was able to complete all without the use of ED medication.

Ages 40 and up / Re: 50 year old MGTOW
« on: December 20, 2016, 11:19:08 AM »
Day 12
Well, I've watched no P and haven't M for 12 days. However on day 10 I did have an O during S. The encounter was a bit unexpected. I know it's generally a good idea to avoid sex to orgasm during the first 90 days. Has anyone else done this early in their reboot? Did it set you back?

Ages 40 and up / Re: 50 year old MGTOW
« on: December 17, 2016, 08:57:12 AM »
Day 9
The last couple days have been rough. I feel the dark undertow of need. Fortunately my job has kept me busy and my mind occupied and the writings of Marcus Aurelius help me stay focused on what is important.
I'm feeling a bit blah today so I believe I'm getting to the "flatline"  stage. This is the part where I believe the brain is truly drying out from all the 'happy juice' I used to feed it.
Forgive me if I ramble on a bit. I'm not a skilled writer so what I write can be a bit incoherent. However it helps to put my thoughts to paper, or in this case to my tablet, so I'll continue to do so.

Ages 40 and up / Re: 50 year old MGTOW
« on: December 15, 2016, 05:43:58 PM »
Thank you for the advice and encouragement. I thought this would be easier to do since I'm over 50 and the fire burns less bright. It's a bit disheartening to find that isn't the case.

Ages 40 and up / 50 year old MGTOW
« on: December 14, 2016, 06:30:06 PM »
I didn't realize just how terrible an addiction I had until I tried to quit. I managed to make it about 3 weeks my last attempt before falling back into old habits. As soon as life got too stressful for me I found I needed that release. In recent months I have found some semblance of peace and stability in stoic and MGTOW philosophy. So once again I am attempting to kick the demon pornography out of my life. As of tonight it's been 6 days since I last used porn or masturbated.
Give me the strength to endure.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Strip Clubs
« on: November 30, 2014, 09:31:26 PM »
No, never. Internet porn was cheaper, often free, and private.

Ages 40 and up / one step forward
« on: November 25, 2014, 02:28:55 PM »
45 days into my reboot and I'm now able to make love to my wife again without using ED meds. I am I'd say 90% over PIED!  8)

« on: November 22, 2014, 02:06:03 PM »
Thanks for sharing and welcome to the Nation brother.

Ages 40 and up / Re: My body is a cage...
« on: November 19, 2014, 05:38:44 PM »
I know the devastation you're feeling right now brother. I know that feeling of pain and emptiness all too well. But I need you to trust me on this. You will not always feel the way you feel now. You will find a way past this.
Stay strong brother. Keep the poison out of your life. One day at a time.

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