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Messages - Yelashade

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1
Ages 20-29 / Re: 100 Day Journal II: The Revamp
« on: May 19, 2015, 12:32:19 PM »
Day 5

Hah, wow that feels weird saying that lol. Well, the urges have been incredibly strong and I've done my absolute best to fight them off. I'm in a new job now and it's quite taxing, but I haven't lost my drive to pursue sex. Not watched anything, but I was tempted to pay for it again, which I'm really struggling to deal with at the moment. My mind feels like it's gone back to September last year, when I felt really shit about my ex dumping me. Still though, I'm trying to fight it and I refuse to be beaten by this. I've been feeling too stubborn to sink again haha. Bring on the next 95 days!

2
Ages 20-29 / Re: A troubled cure for a troubled mind
« on: May 16, 2015, 12:26:02 PM »
Hey man,

I just saw your recent posts from the last few months. The theme I noticed is not only your reliance on sexual gratification from your gf, but also you putting so much hope into the fact that your gf will give you all the sex that you want when you move in together. That mentality is subconsciously setting you up for failure. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure your gf will give you all the sex you want, but you're moving in together. That means you'll be seeing A LOT more of her, which means your sex life has a chance of going down. By channeling all your focus onto that, while it may help stop you from relapsing, it's also putting a lot of dependence on you moving in with your gf to be a success. Again, please don't misunderstand me as all I want is for you to be happy with your lady. All I'm saying is focus on the mental battle against PMO.

If you want to have good sex with your "nympho" gf, then that's a good place to start. You also want to be more active and have more energy to do things. I know you've got exams and things to focus on. Well, focus on them. This is not the time for making excuses. How badly do you want to be better? Only you can answer that. Write a plan down of things you can do to distract yourself. What to do in your revision breaks that DOES NOT involve MO'ing OR PMO'ing.

You will get through it buddy, we're only a few days apart from our relapses. If I know I can do it, then you sure as hell know :)

3
Ages 20-29 / Re: Edit: The Bluefly Journal
« on: May 16, 2015, 12:14:01 PM »
Hey buddy,

I can see why you connected with me haha, our situations are not too dissimilar! You are doing extremely well on your journey so far. You've accepted when you're doing well, but more importantly, accepted when you're not. You have a very positive attitude, which is going to be your core source of strength when things get difficult, which they will do as your journey carries on. LS90 is right, get yourself a hobby - your marathon training is something you did before, bring that up again - and STICK TO IT. It's another source of strength for you when you need it the most.

You've done well to reach 50 days. You will soon find that it is more of a mental battle against PMO rather than a physical one. Make sure your mind is healthy, regularly reflect on yourself as an individual and make positive changes there to. It really helps! Good luck

4
Ages 20-29 / Re: 100 Day Journal II: The Revamp
« on: May 16, 2015, 11:56:22 AM »
@LS90

I appreciate what you're saying; I'm just annoyed because I paid for it. My mind just went into a meltdown because of the lack of action and I feel so stupid for doing so. If you judged me, I wouldn't blame you at all. The PMO binge was a direct result of my shame in having paid for it.

The O's weren't great at all actually, they were fabricated in my mind as being great. But after O, there was that sense of a void that you get from M'ing to P, something that we all avoid. I had a read of that link you sent me again, thanks for that mate. I really needed to see that again, I'm just going to focus on my 2nd streak. I'll check you out in a sec.

@Bluefly

Hey man, I'm flattered that you thought of me as an inspiration for you. I'll have a look at your story once I've posted this. As for what you've said, you're right mate, I just beat myself up so much about it. I'd seen people on here like Kaybee, LS90 etc, who have all done incredibly well, just end up relapsing and feeding their addiction again. Because I didn't relapse when they did, I think I thought I was going to be part of that small statistic of people that make it through to the other side without a relapse. I was wrong lol. But hey, just like it all started again. Gonna revert back to my 5 day journals!

5
Ages 20-29 / Re: Post 100 Day Journal Life
« on: May 13, 2015, 03:22:47 PM »
After all the pressure I've been under lately, I haven't had much time to visit here and post my updates. However, this update cannot wait:

I've relapsed.

It's been over 8 months since I've even seen a woman naked with my own eyes and my penis has been burning to have sex. Out of pure desperation, I paid for it. Yeah, it's so fucking sad but I didn't care. It wasn't even that good, I didn't know her and I couldn't keep it up half the time. I felt so shit afterwards that I PMO'd. And I carried on PMO'ing all day. Months of hard work just gone in a few hours. Words can't describe how shit I feel right now. I feel like I'm back to Square 1. I know I shouldn't be beating myself up about this, but I just can't help myself. ARGH WHY DID I DO THAT, I FEEL SO ANXIOUS AND ASHAMED.

I'm starting a new job tomorrow and I've gone and provided myself with an unwanted distraction. I'm trying not to look at P ever again. I'm not going to let this beat me, but fuck I need some help. 

I just want to apologise to those who looked at my journal as some form of inspiration; I'm only human and I fucked up big time. Well, looks like I'm back to 30th September again. Let the revamp begin!

6
Women / Re: Women's Addiction
« on: April 22, 2015, 06:23:19 AM »
Hey Kaybee,

Long time no chat. From what I've seen so far, you've been struggling a lot really. You know what I've found, since going off P so long? It's not the act or the triggers so much, but the mental issues we deal with. You're under a lot of stress and with being sexually assaulted, college, this and that... it's all becoming a bit too much.

ntg is right: you're trying too hard to not watch P and you're not addressing the issues at hand directly. That should be your starting point in your MENTAL recovery. Only then can you truly close out your affiliation with P. You've gone through a period of no PMO, so you've seen the benefits. Are YOU ready to see those benefits again? Ready being the subjective word here, of course. When you are, you'll want it more and more.

I hope you find your way again :)

7
Ages 20-29 / Re: Post 100 Day Journal Life
« on: April 22, 2015, 06:14:12 AM »
@Belly

That's a good point you make about confidence and being open about my inner issues. I guess a lot of my friends are not available at the moment and so I'm trying to stay strong by myself. It's something that has to come from me, so I'll work on that. Thanks for your advice!

@mtaha2015

I feel like I am working hard and not being rewarded now. I know these are more of a mental issue rather than a P related one. I'm just trying to focus on me as much as I can without slipping up. I've come this far, why mess it up now, right?

@LS90

Hey there buddy, long time no chat! I do see where you're coming from and that, when your gf is away, you feel like you need something to "feed the need", so to speak. But hey, at least someone is getting some  ::). I think the hardest part for me is that I've had nothing in the relationship department to look forward to and I'm constantly comparing myself to my ex, which I know doesn't work for me. I't s a question of mentality now, something that I can only solve when I'm "ready". Good to hear from you though!

As for the MO, yes I do do it by myself and I'll explain it on the next post I make.

@jkkk

You're right about the triggers, they'll always be there and, due to my lonely feelings, these triggers are trying to bring me down. This is something I'll address in my next post.

@Vangsta

Thank you for your kind words, I'm glad that you feel my story is inspiring! Life is what you make of it and, if that girl just cut you off like that, then mate... you deserve SO MUCH BETTER! It's easier said than done - trust me I know from my own experiences - but when your mind has had enough of going back and forth and being messed around constantly, you'll know you're ready to change for the better. Best of luck on your journey to a new you!

8
Ages 20-29 / Re: I don't know what to say.
« on: March 19, 2015, 07:18:41 PM »
Hey Rockit,

Glad to see that you're making some progress. As for the situations around you? Stay in control of what you can control and don't worry about the rest.

I'm glad to hear your gf is supportive of your reboot. My only concern would be having sex this early into your reboot. Now, far be it from me to stop you from getting laid, but part of the reboot process is to stop P, M and O for a short while at least so your brain can detach itself from P. Yes, having sex with a real person does help the reboot process, but just make sure that you're doing what's best for your reboot and LT goals.

Keep up the good work!

Yela

9
Ages 20-29 / Re: Post 100 Day Journal Life
« on: March 19, 2015, 07:11:07 PM »
Hi all,

Recently I've been finding it difficult to find my strength. I miss intimacy and my mind keeps running between the memory of previous ex's, particularly my first, and any woman that pays me any sort of attention. The temptation to revisit P is becoming strong and I'm trying not to browse the internet and look at inappropriate pictures. However, when ads on TV, billboards etc show women in a promiscuous way, I can't help but stare a little longer. My cravings are really getting to me and I'm struggling. It's so difficult to hold on, even coming on here is getting tough. I'm getting thoughts in my head that I don't want to have. No, please, I don't want to go back down that route again. I need my strength back.

10
Ages 20-29 / Re: I don't know what to say.
« on: March 07, 2015, 02:36:17 PM »
Hey Rockit,

Once again, thanks for posting on my journal!

Now, I'm going to be straight with you. Do you really want this change? Because if you do, you're going to do less talking (or typing in this case) and more action. You might relapse, restart, relapse, restart etc, but eventually, you will snap. When you hit that moment, THAT'S when your true reboot will start. Whenever you feel that strong urge to PMO, just go outside and run. I don't care if there's rain, snow, hurricanes. Just go outside and run for 10 mins. When you come back inside, plan your day (or the next) and stick to that plan.

As for your gf, if she truly loves you and cares for your well being, she will 100% support you. Again, I can totally relate to you. You clearly are head over heals for this girl and you want it to work, but think about the bigger picture here. If your gf has explicitly called this reboot as bs, you have 2 choices: you're either gonna be single, miserable (but will recover and heal) and will have rebooted or or you'll be with this girl and still be fapping away struggling with your erections. What do you really want? I think that your gf just needs to understand the effects of P, maybe show her this place and the evidence and all that.

Now onto a more positive note, I'm glad that you're taking up meditation. It's a practice where you need to flush out everything, both positive and negative, and strike a true PME balance. This will come with time so just remember to stay patient!

Hey, this process is very difficult so please don't feel like I'm talking down to you. I'm just being straight up. Always remember that nothing comes for free and it will take time for you to see some real improvements. I hope this helps :)

Yela

11
Ages 20-29 / Re: Post 100 Day Journal Life
« on: March 07, 2015, 02:19:30 PM »
@Rockit

Thank you for the kind words. I really have learned so much about myself. I've become much stronger as an individual, which is providing me the strength I need now. I'm going to look at your journal now :).

That being said, I think what I've said recently has just been all "yeah I'm feeling so much better" blah blah blah. I'm just going to remind everyone that, just because you've "made it" to your goal, doesn't mean that you should think that it's all going to be sorted.

I still have triggers, from images to something stupid as the wind blowing. I'm not going to lie, the lack of sexual activity is starting to get to me, but I'm using all the strength I have to force myself away from relapsing.

In terms of my work world, my company is going through a bit of turmoil at the moment. They're in trouble with the government and, as a result, fired 8 people to try and shrink down. Two of them were my "close work mates" that I started with. I've got no one to hang out with at lunch anymore haha :(. I do feel my job is in jeopardy, so I'm looking hard at the moment for alternatives. I hope things really change because I want my job security again. Aside from that, I still feel really positive. I love myself and I love life and it WILL get better :).

12
Ages 20-29 / Re: Getting back to life
« on: March 04, 2015, 07:20:01 PM »
Hey man,

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I hope that you're coping with it alright, because the cycle of any form of loss always wants us to speed the process as fast as we can. The most difficult part is staying patient throughout the whole thing and letting the situation go slowly.

It's good that you're close to your family; when you think about the millions of people out there that aren't close even with their direct blood, you are very fortunate! Utilise those bonds and get through your situation together my friend :).

Oh, and best of luck in your exams! Think of all that freedom afterwards haha ;)

13
Ages 20-29 / Re: Post 100 Day Journal Life
« on: March 04, 2015, 07:13:53 PM »
This is just a general post to everyone out there.

I can tell you, hand on heart, that by stopping P and completely getting it out of your system is 100% worth the wait. I'm seeing improvements, I'm still improving on my social skills (which are down there somewhere) but I feel so much more confident in myself. I'm going to get myself into shape and I seriously mean it this time. I want to look and feel good about myself.

I've read so much about people breaking their streak and I truly feel for you guys. It's not easy, I've been tempted so many times. I've even typed out the names of certain sites into private browsing. I'm holding strong though, because I never want it to harm me like it did before. I wish I'd discovered this before I went to uni. I'd have controlled myself and learned so much.

Finally, I just want to say thanks to everyone who contributed to my journal (you know who you are) because I couldn't have done it without your kind words, in-depth thoughts and motivation. I hope that you guys are all doing well and I'll catch up with you soon!

14
Ages 20-29 / Re: 100 Day nofap Journal ends on my 23rd birthday!
« on: March 03, 2015, 08:50:45 AM »
Hi guys,

Long time no chat! I've been enjoying my new job and been spending a bit more time with my friends. I'm trying to get myself back out there and enjoy life! I'm feeling much more positive and happy, I love talking to people and in general I feel much more confident! I'm still M'ing every day, which is great. I'm getting used to the idea that P is no longer an option when I M, which is difficult but it's all for good :).

I took a risk by going back onto social networks for the first time this year (yeah I went off social networking when I realised it was contributing to my depression). I discovered that my ex, not even a month into her year abroad, is already in another relationship (4 months after we broke up). Not gonna lie, that did knock me back a bit, but I guess what we had didn't seem to mean too much to her. I guess I also get the vibe that she's been messing around since we broke up, which hurts even more, especially since she said she wasn't interested in getting into a relationship while travelling. Well, at least I know now that she pretty much used me for 9 months and, while she may have loved me, her bark was much louder than her bite. But hey, she's in another country, so idrc anymore haha.

I just want to get laid! That's my next step. M'ing is good, but it's not the same as being intimate with a woman. Not interested in a relationship, but I'm sure as hell interested in getting some action. It's been nearly 6 months since I last saw a real woman naked, I think I've waited long enough! The problem is finding people to go out with so I can get laid lol. Most importantly, I want to check if I'm "better" down there and the best way to do that is to have sex with someone haha.

15
Ages 20-29 / Re: A troubled cure for a troubled mind - 150+ days rebooting
« on: February 03, 2015, 05:55:08 PM »
Hey buddy,

Long time no chat! I'm sorry I didn't post on your journal earlier, I didn't realise that you binged when you left your country :(. Mate, it's not easy to pick yourself back up when you feel like you've fallen down. This is where your true strength must come in, where you really have to hold strong and fight against your addiction. You've done so SO well to get to where you were a week or 2 ago. It's far from easy, but you have to stay strong now. Talk about it on here, go outside, scream, do WHATEVER IT TAKES to not PMO. Heck, I'm eating sweets to distract myself because that's how tempting it is haha! ;D

Keep us posted bro and I hope you're staying strong for your gf. Maybe use the possibility of seeing her in a month as motivation? You want amazing sex right?  ;)

Take it easy fella

Yela

16
Ages 20-29 / Re: Getting back to life
« on: February 03, 2015, 05:48:45 PM »
Hey man,

Just wanted to say that your pre-Christmas post just blew me away completely. I don't think I could have described that much better myself haha! I guess part of the withdrawal process is, as you said, the fear of losing that "indispensable friend". I have to admit, you are becoming a real inspiration for me. Despite everything that's knocked you back, even in the face of good prospects, you still find the strength to carry on and that's a big thing. I hope that you continue your progress man, it's really important that you do! Who's gonna motivate me if you don't ;D.

As for your job prospect, I hope you do decide to go for it. A bigger company suggests bigger promotion prospects and, who knows? You might have to relocate and you could live a new life somewhere else :P. Either way, I hope that, whatever decision you make, you feel happy and you don't feel regret.

Take it easy fella,

Yela

17
Ages 20-29 / Re: 100 Day nofap Journal ends on my 23rd birthday!
« on: February 03, 2015, 05:41:01 PM »
@jkkk

That's exactly what I thought; this guy just wouldn't listen to reason whatsoever. I feel like I can't trust anyone's word anymore. That sounds a bit over dramatic, but literally unless I see the proof, I just don't believe anything. I look back at how miserable I was, but I feel so much better and I KNOW that's because I gave up PMO for a while and now just MO every day.

@LS90

That's ridiculous, ANY form of abuse is wrong. I can only hope that science will prove it to be true some day. Gah idk, but until then, I'm just going to stick to my guns and carry on being strong!


This has been getting me down lately and my temptation to watch P is growing. I'll keep fighting though, that's all I can do!

18
Ages 20-29 / Re: 100 Day nofap Journal ends on my 23rd birthday!
« on: January 29, 2015, 01:13:41 PM »
Hey guys,

It's been a while since I last posted. I've been very busy and I've tried to stop my dependence on this website. The positives so far since hitting 100 days is that I'm starting to keep myself busy and occupied with my job. It's taken a while to get back into the work routine, but I'm going to get paid soon so I'm excited for that! I'm trying to socialise as much as I can, but I know my financial situation needs to improve first. I also feel better about my situation with my ex and my mind is finally moving on and distracting itself with other girls. It's hard sometimes when I'm alone, but I can deal with that.

The main reason I came back on here is that I went to the doctors earlier and had a "debate" about the effects of porn on the mind. He's made out that porn isn't responsible for my ED. My pre-diagnosis of porn affecting my brain and going through the reboot phase seemed to piss him off and he wanted to go through my health history and see if there was a cause. For a moment, I won't lie, I did feel like this website was a joke. However, I know what caused my ED. I was blind to not realise it before and I'm so glad I found this out the last few months. I feel like the medical people in my life are idiots, which sounds harsh, but they just don't seem to get what P does to people. I feel a bit confused and it's not helping with my urges to watch P.

I've been feeling strong urges to watch P, trying not to M to it and keep my mind clean from P fetishes. It's tough but work is tiring me out and keeping me distracted still. I hope that things improve soon!

I hope you guys are all doing good and I'll post back whenever. Stay strong!

19
Ages 20-29 / Re: 100 Day nofap Journal ends on my 23rd birthday!
« on: January 12, 2015, 03:15:49 PM »
Thank you very much for the kind words, guys!

I had a great weekend, it was good to see my friends and go out and jam with them all! I think I needed that, my confidence is up! I did get too drunk though and I did lash out a bit at times, which shows that I still need to address some issues. One of my friends has decided to come talk things out with me and help me clear my mind. I hope this helps, because I sure need it haha.

@jkkk

I will try and cut M and O out for a bit, see how that helps out. It'd be good considering that I'll be getting into a job soon and I could do with my energy levels going up.

20
Porn Addiction / Re: First time rebooting-sex with spouse OK?
« on: January 08, 2015, 05:34:15 PM »
Hi celticpunk,

Welcome to the forum! I would suggest that you abstain from P, M and O - for a short while at least - before you consider trying actual sex. Your brain needs to refresh and reboot first before you can engage in intimacy. Try and keep yourself distracted with things like exercising, sport, taking your lady out to dinner, spending time with your son etc. Eventually, your inner mind will accept that there is more to life than the harem in front of your computer screen.

Good luck!

21
Ages 20-29 / Re: 100 Day nofap Journal ends on my 23rd birthday!
« on: January 08, 2015, 04:46:44 AM »
Day 100

Well, after just over 3 months, it's finally here! 100 days! I do feel proud that I've achieved this and, despite not cutting out MO completely, there was no P involved whatsoever! It's also my 23rd birthday but I don't care about that lol.

My mindset is changing, I'm starting to appreciate life a little more now and I'm taking a slightly more positive attitude. I exercised today properly for the first time in ages, which I'm happy about. I got a job! Finally things are taking a turn for the better! Now I can start earning money and not being broke haha. To celebrate, I've invited my friends down on Saturday for predrinks and a night out to celebrate, so I've got that which is exciting. If this job brings me what I need, I could live my dream of travelling to the US! Let me sort out my financial situation first though ::). I'm not perfect but I'm going to try and be the best person I can possibly be. I need to start being a bit more socially aware and more considerate towards those closest to me.

Importantly, I'm very slowly starting to accept that my ex is gone and will never come back. It's not much, but it's a start and it'll get better. Right now I can't change that I miss her and still love her very much, but I can change the fact that I'm not going to let her harm my mindset anymore. I deserve so much better than that :)

I wish I had someone I could be intimate with because I want to see if I can start to have proper sex now. M is great, but I want the real deal with a real woman :). I find myself becoming sexually attracted to scent, long hair, nuzzling, kissing, touching etc. These are things I'd never in a million years think of as sexual. I'm still M'ing to sex and I'm trying not to tense myself when I do, but it's not P related.

I want to thank everyone on this forum that contributed to my journal; without your thoughts and guidance, I wouldn't have found the motivation to pull through. I'm coming on here less frequently now - not because I've reached my goal - but because I want a life that isn't dependent on this website. I will come back from time to time to say hi and post my progress. I wish you all the best success and, remember, you can beat this addiction! Your strength will come through if you want it badly enough :)

22
Hey man,

Just read your journal. You haven't mentioned much about how you plan on distracting yourself. It's worth maybe trying to get out of your house and just going for walks, maybe finding some hobbies that you can go to and do when you get urges. It's a mental battle and if you find something particularly rewarding, such as playing an instrument or exercise, you'll find yourself getting into a habit lol. Hope this helps!

23
Ages 20-29 / Re: 100 Day nofap Journal ends on my 23rd birthday!
« on: January 03, 2015, 06:29:00 AM »
Day 95

Happy New Year!

I think I'm coming out of my depressive spiral a bit now, things are looking better and I'm keeping myself more distracted and focused. I haven't MO'd since last year (31st December haha). I can't believe I'm so close to reaching my goal! I'm going to fight this all the way and reach 100 days. Sure it's not 100 days without MO, but there was no P and that's what counts here.

They said it was difficult not to relapse back into P and they were right, it was horrible, hence me staying off my laptop and not coming on here a lot lately. I'm fighting though; I'm telling myself that this is my own battle and I'm forcing myself to stand strong and fight. I can control my mind and I will. I love myself. I am going to get a job. I am going to get fit. I am going to go travelling. I am going to sort my life out. No more bs and excuses anymore. It's so easy to fall down when life hits you, but you've got to carry on and show your strength.

Anyway, besides the motivational speech, I've seen improvements in my mood since I've stopped MO'ing. I don't know, this balance is a tough one. I'm not giving up MO'ing and I do believe that if you MO every day, it's healthy, but I want to wait until I reach 100 days before I next MO. I played the piano today and did some singing in the car. My soul just cleaned itself and I felt so much better. Music truly is indescribably amazing.

I think most importantly is that I'm stopping myself from going on these long droning thoughts of various "should-have-would-have-could-have" past and future situations with my ex. I can't help them coming into my head, but I can control them from escalating.

Let me sort myself out and then I'll go and have some fun :D

See you on Day 100!! :D:D:D:D

24
Happy New Year bro! Hope you had a good Christmas and all. I'm glad to hear you starting to see better results in your sex and that things are working out for you!

I think you're finding the balance now between the right amount of times to O and whether to MO or not, which I think is fantastic lol. Proud of you bro, keep up the good work and keep us posted!

25
Ages 20-29 / Re: 100 Day nofap Journal ends on my 23rd birthday!
« on: December 24, 2014, 01:56:31 PM »
Day 85

Things are starting to level out a little, maybe it's due to the excitement over Christmas? I don't know. I've managed to secure a few temp places (like one day work) so I guess that's good. I need money badly haha!

In terms of my P, I'm not interested at all anymore. I never really was, like I said. I'm still desperate to have sex though and cuddle with someone. I'm going to start exercising again and sorting my life out. Fuck feeling like shit. I've got to find the strength and dignity to carry forward and I need to do it now before I spiral down into severe depression. The mental healthcare takes far too long in this country. Nobody's going to help me but me so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to make the best out of life before it runs away from me. Still young, still can do a lot.

I'm trying to improve my social confidence, just gotta go out there and grab it! Not looking for girls now, just focusing on myself and self improvement. I will post again when I actually follow through. Actions speak louder than words, of course.

I wish everyone on here a very Merry Christmas! Hope you guys have a good one and stay as positive as you can :). It does get better, I promise you!

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