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Messages - Joel

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1
Ages 40 and up / Re: See them grow up
« on: September 10, 2020, 06:08:19 AM »
May I recommend 'porn free radio' ep 90

Stay focused!

2
Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: September 10, 2020, 06:04:56 AM »
Has been a good week - lots to be grateful for. Still clean for one thing. Haven’t fished in 9weeks; this has been the big difference to other streaks. I’ve slipped from this so many times before, this time around I know a peek at something is kryptonite, and there’s no good in taking small doses of a poison.

Mood is still low. Have been reading up and have acquired a lot of tools to help me shift on this. Started reading ‘the 5 second rule’ (Action before thinking!), the intro promises it can help too.

Have been feeling exhausted most days. tbh - I went out yesterday for a drink and that did improve my mood and energy. Working from home mostly isolated isn’t what man is designed for, so need to take every opportunity to do an outdoor activity and see a friend etc.

3
Ages 40 and up / Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« on: September 10, 2020, 06:02:46 AM »
Sounds good, jixu. Web detox is definitely a good habit that feeds recovery nicely!

4
Ages 40 and up / Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« on: September 10, 2020, 06:00:07 AM »
Great posts, Norm. And sounds like great progress. You're doing the work and seeing the positives in every task - even if they're not the most fun. Onward!

5
Ages 40 and up / Re: Covid - an inflection point?
« on: September 10, 2020, 05:58:46 AM »
Actually, WIP said far more eloquently what I was trying to say, whereas I was rambling all over the place. What he said!

6
Ages 40 and up / Re: Covid - an inflection point?
« on: September 08, 2020, 08:55:06 AM »
I still do believe that the forum (or more specifically connectivity with others who I can learn from, share with, help and be helped) IS key to my recovery.


Absolutely

I wouldn’t say you had a lack of humility. It was more that wave of excitement that I could see you riding which was more what worried me. I’ve been there before, and that kind of momentum deflates at a certain point.

I really connect with the double whammy of presenting yourself to your wife and getting pushed away instead of embraced, then the forum perhaps hitting one of those lulls, and you (or me – as I’m talking about myself now really ;) ) not feeling the connection from it we’d like. As both these things consist of real people, we can’t get exactly want, or even predict what we’ll get.

Have a great day!

7
Ages 40 and up / Re: Covid - an inflection point?
« on: September 06, 2020, 11:41:52 AM »
Good self-awareness here, Guy! Make sure you come up with a plan for how to deal with each issue. The biggest issue at the moment may be that you're in the addictive cycle - it's a real ordeal to get out of, the body has taken over and your mind has to get back in the driver's seat, so to speak. Make nofap a priority and consuming a lot of helpful content has always helped me at this stage.

I had huge momentum

Yeh, momentum is tricky. I could sense your excitement at how the forum seemed like THE missing piece for you - but it felt too mean to say something like this. That first big streak gets us excited, and as you say, there's a status that goes along with it. We have to let go of the status and be humble, no matter where we are, because we're always vulnerable after decades of P use. Your recovery is more than a number. and of course - it was lock down - I've always been aware this is a special time, an opportunity, but soon our lives will change and it's going to be a new kind of challenge.

But a lot of your momentum was real. You were leaving behind old habits, and you were working on this forum instead, and putting your energy into other things. That doesn't have to be completely lost. Failure is an opportunity, as you can work out what went wrong and make it work next time, but first you need to climb out of the cycle - it's horrible work, i know - but we're here!



8
Ages 40 and up / Re: See them grow up
« on: September 05, 2020, 09:59:02 AM »
Great stuff, WIP. Kudos for getting back out there into the world!

9
Ages 40 and up / Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« on: September 05, 2020, 09:57:51 AM »
Thanks for sharing, Norm. Hope the break through helps you move forward in your journey.

10
Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: September 05, 2020, 09:53:02 AM »
Following on from last post, didn't quite pick up my good habits again until yesterday - want to keep this tight next week.

Looking back on last week, I was relatively productive. But mood was low, still getting used to having no porn-drug, and lock-down had something to do with that. I’ve not really had P urges, but there is a danger of going back to old, bad habits unless I deal with this. And actually, I do play head-fantasy to perk myself up.

I realise my laziness was largely to blame for the low mood. The fact that I could pick myself up by doing a healthy activity was proof of this. Reading a lot about moods and health, and I see that Action/ Doing Something is important, the feelings come afterwards. I’ve been sitting in a chair, waiting for motivation and good feelings to arrive before I started to act. More action first and thinking later needs to happen, and I’ll experiment with this next week. Haven't read 'the 5 second rule', but saw a short YouTube video explaining it, sounds like a good method. Do It!

11
New systems sound good. Marital intimacy sounds awesome. And well done on the streak, my friend. Onward!

12
Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: September 02, 2020, 12:11:24 PM »
Thanks Shade. I think I have a tendency to be hard on myself rather than being pleased with myself. Even though I'm on a long streak, I feel like I should have got to here a long time ago. Time to practice some gratitude here!

All going well.

Had a couple of quite hardcore porn dreams recently - I mean, so vivid and detailed - felt like I'd watched the real thing. So felt a little urge-y today, probably because of that. But also, daydream fantasy has crept back into my life a bit recently. After feeling uncomfortably excited by these, I had to think back to what I'd learned and what I'm supposed to do here. A sign I'd lost focused and may have been coasting a bit lately.

Morning routine and the good habits involved have fallen away too - became conscious of all of this yesterday and I've been focused on tightening things up today.

Also, feeling a little unsatisfied with life - it all gets a bit samey in semi-lockdown, working from home each day. Not watching P and tricking my brain into thinking I'm having sex with a harem of hot women every day might have something to do with this. Getting back to good habits that includes Gratitude practice and thinking about the bigger picture, instead of focusing on the slightly sad feeling in my chest, should help with this.

And energy has been so low lately (not too bad today). Reading Atomic Habits and looking at making some tweaks to my lifestyle, which is already pretty healthy. But I feel my issues stated in the above paragraph may have something to do with it. When I was a kid waking up on Christmas morning, so excited about the day ahead, I wasn't lacking energy.

have a great day out there y'all

13
Ages 40 and up / Re: See them grow up
« on: September 02, 2020, 11:53:52 AM »
Heard a good quote recently from a mentor - When I feel warning signs, I double down.

as for stealing a living, the odd period of turning up and picking the low hanging fruit is allowed

14
Ages 40 and up / Re: Resolved to conquer this
« on: September 02, 2020, 11:48:20 AM »
My mind feels clearer, quieter and less inclined to seek out constant entertainment.  Totally recommitting to the bedtime by 11:30 rule.


yep, a totally important part of the process
and yep, rules and systems, and recommitting to them is important too! feel free to report back with some accountability :)

15
Ages 40 and up / Re: Covid - an inflection point?
« on: September 02, 2020, 11:41:39 AM »
What Leo said.

PS Just listened to Dobber ep.90. 20mins – think you’d find it useful

16
Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: August 29, 2020, 06:08:18 AM »
Thanks, guys. Yes - I'm learning to add more quiet into my routine. There's a lot of great content out there - I'm currently rereading Atomic Habits and getting more out of it this time round - post 90 days I can really work on building myself up, rather than be in a position where PA/ working hard on nofap was dominating my time and life. I think the stress that got me was wanting everything NOW, and a fear that without certain books and information being in my head NOW, I'd slip into old habits. There's a niggling need to make up for lost time (lost to porn) that's creating this stress. I just need to accept where I am, but I'm really excited about where I can go from here - I just have to lose the impatience.

1 fail - P fantasy has played in my head sometimes in the mornings - when I feel that morning headache and body ache that is present first thing. But I resisted it today.

A big win is that I've started having sex without P fantasy in my head. It's become a streak - I'm on day 10, I'm looking to get to 90 days ,and for this to become a lifelong way of being. Have a great weekend all.

17
Ages 40 and up / Re: Resolved to conquer this
« on: August 29, 2020, 05:59:12 AM »
I've found these lovely 'breaks' can be tricky. I've had really long holidays, where I've felt connected to the nature and earth, but I also spent the time reading nofap/ self-development stuff - but relapsed on getting home. Breaks are good to recharge the batteries, but in my experience, they are literally time off from the real world and the process of quitting P. Got to make sure we overcome those gateways that are bad habits, and that lead to worse habits. Have a great day.

18
Ages 40 and up / Re: Started Friday July 3rd
« on: August 29, 2020, 05:53:23 AM »
Happy to read all those positive posts, Norm. Glad you're doing well!

19
Ages 40 and up / Re: Covid - an inflection point?
« on: August 28, 2020, 06:40:10 AM »
This is just my take. I remember reading through Will’s thread. A scary long time ago. Some great stuff in there. but looking back – ‘learn to love withdrawals’ seems a nuance of language you don’t need to concern yourself with. On day 10 or day 100, you may get pains that you want to use PMO to escape from. Maybe they’re addiction withdrawals or they may not be. After using P for years to stop ourselves feeling pain, stress, anger... we’re going to generally feel crap sometimes without it. Living with that and not wanting to escape is part of a new long-term journey.

I’m saying, don’t get caught up in these nuanced ideas. I remember in my greener days reading the line (on this forum) – recovery comes from not thinking about P. I think the idea was – recovery comes from leaving P behind, not obsessing about it, and developing a new life and habits. But it was a misleading line, especially in early reboot, you need to really think about it and how you’re going to deal with it. but it was just an idea that a rebooter had and shared on the forum.

I know you’re Dobber fan. And he would say, recovery exists in making a plan. Maybe that plan includes every day reading the line – ‘I may feel crap today, but P is not the answer, it is never a good idea.’ This whole post I’m writing was inspired by something I heard him say recently – talking about recovery, plans and good streaks. ‘When you get a good plan, and you get a long streak, maybe 90 days. If you fail, you still have that plan and those tools. You just need to work out where you went wrong , and you’ll be able to get more big streaks.’ The positivity in that sounded great to me. I’d focus on the big tools and issues that are going to get you where you want to go.

20
Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: August 25, 2020, 11:42:49 AM »
Hi all. just a quick check-in. doing well. Had a Monday evening ‘content/media’ brain-crash. Had to lie down with no screens or stimulation – a sign I’ve been consuming too much. Eg I always have headphones in my ears between jobs – consuming self-development audiobooks or something. It’s well-intentioned as I’ve been working so hard to move beyond being a P addict. But hit a wall and need to slow down. so many tools, so many notes, so many ideas I need to write down somewhere...

One method that’s been working recently is the idea of ‘winning sets’. A set is basically a challenge that you can mark as a win or a loss – there can be dozens in a day. After a couple of losses while I got my mind round the idea, I’ve won important ones today – no double takes in the street; avoided playing with fantasy when in bed this morning trying to get up; stopped myself going down a fantasy rabbit-hole in the afternoon after being triggered.

Stay strong out there.

21
Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: August 23, 2020, 10:03:59 AM »
Thanks, guys. (sorry Shade - didn't quite understand your sentence - What is it exactly what you feel when confronted?)

Yes, channeling our natural aggression elsewhere is important - into pushing ourselves with exercise and toward the fact that an addictive behaviour has a hold on us

As we give up porn, these problematic emotions come to the surface, and we need to work out a way to deal with them - it's part of the journey. So, for me, dealing with entitlement, self-care, expectations, stress management, etc has been important.

As for the question - what do we do about watching 'weird porn'? It's all part of the same process. Commit to reboot, and the urges fade, the addiction fades, and the fetishes fade. Already, certain scenarios that made me weak in the knees just strike me as sad and weird.

22
Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: August 20, 2020, 11:18:33 AM »
Hey guys,

I didn’t mention in my last post – my ‘exciting’ daydream the other day, which I inflicted on myself, was an aggressive fantasy (for those who don’t know my thread that well – this issue is the bane of my sexuality). I foolishly allowed the fantasy to play in my head, for some happy chemicals to flow through me.

And I just remembered, around that time, I had my first wet dream since I was a teen. The dream had an aggressive narrative. It was such a wakeup call. It became clear to me that this was never part of my sexuality in the past, and the escalation of my porn use has developed the fetish. So whereas the other day, I tolerated and humoured this kind of fantasy, I won’t today; it’s not part of me, and I hate that it has its hooks in me. I will bleed it dry.

23
Ages 40 and up / Re: Resolved to conquer this
« on: August 18, 2020, 03:27:20 PM »
Yeh, such a tricky time. It's crazy, not for generations has there been a need to stay away from everyone. Hope you can find a balance somehow, my friend

24
Ages 40 and up / Re: Covid - an inflection point?
« on: August 18, 2020, 03:24:57 PM »
Ah nuts. Sorry to hear that Guy. You seem to have so many of the puzzle pieces - but alas there seemed to be something missing when that difficult period appeared. Travel is a big challenge for the Dobber too. Hope you can get back on the saddle as soon as possible, and work out how to you'd prepare for that situation next time.

25
Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: August 18, 2020, 03:11:30 PM »
Thanks, Guy, and thanks Norm - That study is such an awesome thing to hear about. so so true.

Like another comrade on the forum. Found myself a slave to daydream-fantasy today. Took me by surprise as I had this under control for a long while now, there wasn't really a trigger, and the bad habit hadn’t impacted me for a while. But there I was today, creating a narrative, getting myself all excited. What the hell? Not sure where it came from (perhaps triggered by a lot of focus I’m putting on work) had to go back to some old learning – ‘The strong negation’. No! Giving it a punch in the face. The urge to daydream repeatedly came back. It’s no time for complacency, those hooks are deep within me, and every day I have to take another positive step on this journey.

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