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Messages - Joel

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1
Ages 40 and up / Re: How Shall We Escape?
« on: Today at 12:58:24 PM »
if you think something may trip you up in the future, or something represents a compromise to what you're trying to accomplish.


totally agree.

Love the quotes, very inspiring. Have a great start to the week, Phineas.

2
Well done on the streak, jixu!

Is there another way to deal with the stress? 7 minutes pure rest/ listening to calming music, or a bath? Yep, these don't compare to the dopamine shock of P, but if you try them, you'll see they make you feel better, and P makes you feel worse, stress won't give you P urges as much as the urge to relax. Just a thought. Carry on!

3
Ages 40 and up / Re: Bringing it around full circle
« on: Today at 12:28:17 PM »
Work stress followed by holiday stress?? What a vicious cycle! Well done on getting accountable, and your plan sounds great. Let's make this one count.

There were several opportunities for me to check in and seek accountability

yeh, got to reel it in before the body takes over and the intellect still has a chance.

4
Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: Today at 12:24:04 PM »
Day 4

Thanks, Phineas. keeping this habit tiny was referring to posting on the forum as I want to be consistent with this, even if it means writing only a line or two.

having just endured the cold, our brains habitually went to thought-patterns that would alter our discomfort

Yep! Absolutely textbook. I'm working on getting more comfortable with discomfort - wanting to escape has led to a lot of bad habits for me.

And thanks, Liga. Yes, have been feeling these aftershock urges. On a longer streak, my brain mostly understood what was not on the menu, now it thinks it has a chance of talking me into something stupid. I've told myself 'this is the streak, no more screwing up' - it seems to have helped.

No daydreaming today, stayed in the present. On top of foundational habits. But did allow sex with fantasy yesterday - just couldn't resist the high. Wrote a note for my daily alignments - 'head porn is porn - it is illicit. Allow yourself positive sexuality.' Going to do my best to succeed at this next time.

5
Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: November 28, 2020, 11:20:40 AM »
Another quick check in - keeping this habit tiny is better than not being consistent.

Dragged out by the wife today to be sociable with some friends out in the cold. Got home and got online, started to scroll through movie websites which triggered something bestial in the brain but I pulled myself back - after I write this post - I'll put a web block on - online is not the place i want to be hanging out. Also, while I was out in the cold in slight discomfort, I started spinning fantasies - so I'm going to take them apart. Going to process everything, instead of letting it build and I start feeling like I'm a deprived entitled goofball. Have a great weekend all.

6
Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: November 27, 2020, 12:32:21 PM »
Thanks a lot, Phin and Jixu! Another good day. Feeling knackered so it was a low hanging fruit day, and this'll be a very short post, but did all my recovery habits, and avoided any negative thoughts and behaviours. See you tomorrow!

7
Ages 40 and up / Re: How Shall We Escape?
« on: November 26, 2020, 11:32:26 AM »
Sounds good, Phineus! Seems like such a small tweak. But this habit change was a huge gamechanger in my recovery.

8
Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: November 26, 2020, 11:30:15 AM »
Thanks so much, guys. Your support really means a lot.

Day 1
I was feeling fearful yesterday, going from a streak of months, to a streak of weeks, to a streak of a few days, to a streak of even less days. But then I let go of the shame and the hopelessness as I knew that wouldn’t help me - and they were clouding my judgments. then I could see my relapse patterns, and that my plan has been working for me, but after a few days, I ease up on my nofap-foundation-habits, and temptation creeps in.

Also, sex with fantasy has been hindering my progress. I’m playing porn movies in my mind, not letting go of the addiction and the high; I’ve written this many times before – but I’m just reminding myself that these ‘sudden relapses out of the blue’ aren’t happening for no reason, I’m making them happen through my actions (well, my thoughts). I’ve been improving on sex-without-fantasy, but it's time to be stricter with myself and be accountable here on every nuance of every ‘movie’ I play in my head (don’t worry, there’ll be no actual details!)

I was focused today - back to the plan, and wasn't haunted by any chaser effect. A lot of healing has been done, but it's time to start another streak, and this time to break into the second phase. Onward!

9
Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: November 25, 2020, 10:47:16 AM »
Hi all,
I had a serious relapse today. Only made it four days clean. Feel exhausted and foggy. Just wanted to post here – goal is to make it to tomorrow clean – fresh start, fresh mind, time to think this all through. Am in a pmo loop/ addiction cycle at the moment, I’ve had a lot of false starts today, so posting here to make it this start more real. Will check in tomorrow.

10
Well done on the milestone, Shade. Just channel Frankie!

11
Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: November 23, 2020, 12:03:25 PM »
Thanks for the post and the encouragement, Phineus. So sad how PMO has muddied our focus on so many varying and important aspects of our lives.

Day 4 - was feeling quite triggered this morning, as I'm not feeling 100%, and fantasy appears as an appealing way to escape aches and discomfort. I journaled, shone some truth on my issues, and focused on work - was a good way to bring me through the day. I also chugged a big chocolate bar and welcomed how much it brought up my mood, not the cleverest method and i won't make a habit of that. Seems my habits - whether it be work hours or down time - are aligned nicely to keep me on the right path for now, during this cold, minimal period of winter-lockdown.

12
Ages 40 and up / Re: Bringing it around full circle
« on: November 23, 2020, 11:48:22 AM »
Yeh, great Dobber episode - they always feel so timely for me too. I think Blaise Pascal also said “All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” So pertinent.

I'm feeling a little spent at the moment too - but, like you, I think there's a way we can make it work for us in recovery. We really do need to care for ourselves and not fuss with anything except the low hanging fruit. Nofap is of course our priority, because we're just too tired and vulnerable to deal with the consequences right now. Let's find peace, quiet, and balance in the time we have for ourselves, and we can do more 'proactive' recovery when we can.

13
Ages 40 and up / Re: How Shall We Escape?
« on: November 23, 2020, 08:53:19 AM »
Congrats on the milestone, Phineus. Your self awareness, seriousness and dedication to beating this is definitely apparent in your posts.

Compromises and gateways definitely muddy the water as it keeps those old links alive. Perfectionism can be dangerous too, remember to be forgiving to yourself if there's some kind of slip. This is a decades old habit tied into us and recovery isn't linear.

when tempted, perhaps lean into this other person want to be through action; eg what does pure and fruitful in my life, spiritually, emotionally, and be a real person to my family look like? Maybe you could come up with some actions that personify these things and do them when you feel you've stumbled a couple of steps in the wrong direction.

Enjoy the celebration. Onward!

14
Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: November 22, 2020, 06:28:42 AM »
Thanks for the post and question, Phineas.

So after a lapse, legitimate sex messes with your reboot?

It certainly does.

I know for me, I might mix fantasies from memory in with my marital sex

Exactly because of the above

but usually I do that if I think I'm going to have performance anxiety...

And that might be part of it. It's just all so mixed up. It's been a part of my pattern since I started having sex, only in the last few months have I made progress by disconnecting two. But my head is so mixed up and fuzzy at the moment, I don't trust myself to be pure of mind and disciplined enough to not lean very heavily into head fantasy. A week feels like a good amount of time to feel less vulnerable and for the muscles of my intellect and loving heart to return (porn consumption really grinds away at both). Then I'll have the strength for you fantastic mantra - This is what sex is, intimate and meaningful with our partner, and not the empty fantasies...!

On that note, it's been a strange weekend for me. I've felt so tired in the body and mind. Have had to stop and sit while taking a walk, and I've had trouble trying to journal or write some simple thoughts - I don't really have any. Mood isn't particularly low though. Just going to accept I'm not 100%, and the only thought I need is - Stay clean. I can handle that.

Recovery wise, it's day 3 (um, or 4), I've made sure there's been some structure to my free days. Yesterday, for example, I made a pile of leisure reading ,and for all of my free time, I just read - was lovely. I have a similar routine planned today.

15
Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: November 21, 2020, 08:00:07 AM »
Thanks for the feedback, Liga! Actually I totally agree with you haha. That's the one part of Dobber-planning I can't get on board with. I have just a too rebellious nature; I don't do what people tell me to do - including myself most of the time. The no-sex thing is more tied up with how it can screw with reboot and how mixed up my head is feeling; but there was a negative-consequence aspect to it; 'You shouldn't have sex now and should be abstinent for a week, and that's because you acted stupidly.'

Day 1 went well. A REALLY structured day, but I ended up surprising myself with how productive I could be, and felt pretty happy at the end of the day. Right now, I'm home alone with no plan or structure - better get on that before any dumb ideas come to my mind. Have a great day all.

16
Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: November 20, 2020, 06:57:39 AM »
Thanks, Phineas. Nice to meet you too. Always good to see a fellow serious rebooter on the forum.

Day 1. Feeling focused. No dwelling on screens for the next few days - only work, posting on the forum, and planned TV-watching with others. In free time I'll read, journal, listen to the Dobber and Mark Manson and play music.

Also, as a 'negative consequence' for my relapse - no sex for a week. This is a kind of self-punishment, and of course abstinence is always good for recovery. I'm getting better at being present during sex, but I fail some of the time, porn fantasy appears and my healing is stalled.

Have a great day all.

17
Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: November 19, 2020, 01:45:14 PM »
Thanks, Shade. Good to hear from you! Hope all's well. I don't mind being a hippy actually, that was just self-conscious talk for any anti-hippies out there. Yeh, the Zen stuff seems to be a really good antidote for porn - sitting with ourselves, not chasing pleasure but seeking equanimity, etc. And like you say, takes a lot of reading and practice!

And thanks, Liga. Didn't quite work. I fell into the same trap I read about on the forum nearly every day. I was doing okay, but I wanted a little pick me up and skirted around a few things. Eventually - today - I didn't feel in control of myself and I PMO'd, and I feel terrible ,but I want more anyway; really dropped myself into the thick of the cycle. I tried internet blocks and staying away from screens, but when I had that space, I didn't do anything meaningful enough to become self aware, and I eventually returned to the indulgent behaviour.

Day 0 - and so it begins

Felt pretty helpless earlier, but writing this, I'm beginning to feel better. Some Dobber advice comes to mind: after a long streak and a relapse, you've created a plan that works. It's just a case of tweaking it so you don't make the same mistake next time.

So, one challenge is getting out of the hole I've just dug for myself, another challenge is succeeding where I failed at the different forks yesterday (gateway pleasures) and today (continuing to indulge and going all the way, ...and not stopping).

So, going back to basics, pasting below my foundational plan from my very first post here:
Quote
Wanted to start a journal and this is Day 1. Just listened to a nofap audio that inspired me to affirm my nofap ‘system’

A morning routine, preferably without use of a computer; as morning was my main relapse time.

Some blockers – Google is blocked on my computer before midday. I currently have the web blocked on my phone until 7pm during this tense time of lockdown.

A grid of healthy habits including meditation, exercise

A method for urges I learned from Universal Man on YT - Calm myself (mini meditation), then rationally talk to the urge/ shine truth on the lies, then do something else - preferably physical. Practice!

Journal about issues and emotions that arise, and make a daily day plan

Analyze my relapses so I improve.

And revising my Buy in reasons:

Quote
alignments below – they cover what’s important/ positives of being a no fapper/ negatives of P

Values

Love – family, friends, myself, and the people around me (as best I can). Everything in life feels crap without love. Work on connecting to people (don't take them for granted, half-ignoring them)

Gratitude

Awareness/ mindfulness – don’t live life on automatic, angry about being stuck in traffic, pissed because your team lost last night, mulling over an argument you had a year ago. You’re here

Humour/ joy/ fun/ friends

Art, music, creating, passion

NO PORN

ME REASONS

It damages the brain, reducing grey matter, creating addictive pathways, damaging reward receptors, motivation and empathy

the brain fog/ headache, numb, drained, energy-less, empty, where-did-the-day-go-? feeling

No reward receptors - no joy …in things that make being alive amazing.

No motivation - Life was so stagnant

Directly causes depression

Kills love and ability to live - I don’t give a crap about anything or anyone

BE A BETTER PERSON REASONS

It’s wrong – sex trafficking/ violence on women/trauma they suffer, kids getting exposed to this…

It cultivates hate, inspiring everyone to treat each other like crap

Makes me a creep

MY CAREER REASONS

I have nothing to show for years, and my craft hasn’t improved/ my work muscle hasn’t grown

Time wasted - days every week for so many years

Motivation …is non-existent for the time I’m not PMO ing, as I'm depleted, or having to focus solely on trying not to PMO

Emulate the people who inspire me.

THE LIE OF PORN REASONS

It’s wrong (see above), but I’m filled with dopamine and I’m caught up in it, so it somehow seems okay/ normal

The compulsion – if I did it only when I wanted to, that would be something. But that I do it against my own will. this thing controls me. I’m trapped.

The weird brain trick - ‘forget the streak quickly and dip in for 30 minutes.’ Shit. another 5 yrs of my life just whizzed by.

Scratch this itch and get a shot of pleasure. Now I’m back in a cycle

I want to watch something in particular - I never watch it. It’s 10 tabs open and chasing a dragon

That relapse during a good streak can set me back a year/ indefinitely

Other things

Take it easy on yourself for 90 days. Nofap is your priority, not work, not being productive - read fun books, take baths, do a passion project or something.

As for not making those recent mistakes again, once i'm a few days clean, I need to start building up resilience and discipline (ideas from my Zen reading). I indulged because I was cold and tired, and didn't feel very well. Next time, I need to sit with it, and say, 'no, I don't deserve a reward just because I don't feel great.' And I'll have the muscles to tell myself this if I exercise each day - more and longer than I have been doing, meditate each day (was getting lax with this) and do my other disciplines. Yep, I can't be perfect - I should know when to take it easy on myself, to rest, and know that's okay - I don't need to be improving and working on myself all the time.


18
Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: November 19, 2020, 05:30:25 AM »
Hi all,
Just a super quick accountability check in. Did some stupid R rated movie surfing yesterday, totally triggered today. Going off line for most of the day to do a load of non-screen things. Will be back later to check in, clean!

19
Ages 40 and up / Re: Bringing it around full circle
« on: November 17, 2020, 11:18:10 AM »
Yeah, I know the lie and trap of 'saved content' well - so tricky. Needs a no tolerance policy. Hopefully you can move forward with this knowledge. Next time you know it's a lie. 50ish days is great, a lot of healing has been done if you can get back on the path. getting accountable quickly is a huge step in this. post soon!

20
Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: November 17, 2020, 11:14:26 AM »
thanks a lot, Liga and Guy. I was actually triggered later when she left the house for an hour and I still had those feelings. But the thought of relapsing a couple of days after the last relapse... it’s too scary, the beast would really have a hold on me. it was a healthy fear and I activated an internet block.

We've patched things up now. With the anger gone, I can see the level of my own immaturity. I heard some Mark Manson audio yesterday: emotional maturity is seeing a big emotion, like anger, and instead of being swept up by it, being able to ask, is this worth it?

After the argument, I was reading a book on zen, and the author suggested an experiment. He said, to help me deal with anger, and not be a slave to it, each week I practice a day of non-anger – no negative thoughts (I do my best not to indulge them anyway – I’m not always successful). It was a great day – I realised all my negative thoughts were dumb – eg old memories, an actor in a film didn't like... all of it was pointless energy. So I want to do the same again today – maybe every day. So far today... feels pretty good! I'm not saying I'm going to turn into a hippy who only wants good vibes, but the exercise helped my stop and ask - what am I doing? is this worth it?

day 5 going well. Keeping up good habits and I'm on top of things. Take care out there.


21
Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: November 15, 2020, 11:16:04 AM »
Day 3 going well concerning nofap. Been looking into improving my gratitude and journaling practice to be more mindful and worked hard on coming up with some positive tweaks. Had a good and blessed day, then got in an argument with the wife, which happens rarely, so it's thrown me a bit. It's like, we share everything, my triumphs are her triumphs and and vice versa, so when there's an incident that makes me feel like, I really don't like you, it just makes me numb and a bit depressed. We've apologized and mean well toward each other, but can't help the simmering. I gave up on the healthy habits I had lined up today, but hope the bad vibe can fade off after a night's sleep. Want to get back to winning ways tomorrow.

22
Ages 40 and up / Re: New to Reboot Nation
« on: November 15, 2020, 11:09:00 AM »

Please, I need some direction and anyone willing to help I would very much appreciate their words.


Welcome to the forum, Mark. I'm sure you'll find some connection here. I mention this a lot so apologies but if you haven't heard of it, Porn Free Radio podcast has shown me direction when I didn't have a clue what to do about this. I'd recommend starting up by scanning the titles and listening to what you feel is relevant to you. take care

23
Ages 40 and up / Re: First day of the rest of my life
« on: November 15, 2020, 10:55:36 AM »
well done on a week, my friend. When in that situation, I find it helpful to 'binge' on Nofap material. Videos this website links to, success stories, porn free radio podcast. It's the less comfortable thing to do, but you'll be inspired that porn isn't the answer. Good luck! See you on the other side.

24
Ages 40 and up / Re: nofap journal
« on: November 14, 2020, 12:15:58 PM »
Day 2 going well. Like yesterday, I feel aligned and on track. I guess my slip didn't throw me into the throws of the addiction cycle and my brain has done a lot of rebooting. I actually spent nearly the whole day alone as my plans changed. The thought did cross my mind of me in bed with a phone (good grief - what a phrase!) on a pleasure high all day on this cold rainy day; after all, I don't have a streak - but past experience has shown me the faultiness of that - you can make excuses to go back to old ways, or forge ahead and not repeat past mistakes.  I was scared of being 'taken over' by the urge and I put a web block on my phone. I got on with productive things and feel good.

25
Ages 40 and up / Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« on: November 13, 2020, 12:18:56 PM »
Good work getting back in the saddle, jixu. I feel that something new helps me kick off a new streak - whether it's a new resource, habit or system - e.g. buying a new, highly praised self-help book and working through the exercises. See you tomorrow!

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