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Messages - imsorrynotsorry

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Warrior's Journey
« on: Today at 11:16:10 AM »
Hello Warrior_01,

Recovering is incremental. The slightest improvement is an improvement. Collect them and, more important, make them stay.

Deconnect this thought of your PMO.

The feelings connected to your addiction, anger, regret, anxiety, etc. therefore, since you need tips, try to accept them and let them go. In the web you find exercises how to let things/emotions go. What i've learned: (sit upright, breath easy)
- catch the emotion, recall it
- sense what your gut is saying, not your mind
- can you just let it exist? Maybe, can you welcome it as a part of you today?
- what does your belly say? Feel it.
- finally, can you let it go?

Repetition is the key.


Ages 30-39 / Re: My journal, my friend
« on: Today at 10:42:08 AM »
Hello guys,

Ahh it feels nice to be here again and i've found some time to catch up. Will cut it short, promise.

Today is day 242.

I focused on a lot of projects in the house and with my GF, so in terms of PMO nothing happened. But, i O'd with the GF and sometimes i couldn't sustain a hard one for long. Whilst doing it, my man just flattens and i have no idea why. It's over 8 months i'm in reboot and i'm not finished yet, but i will not give up, i will fight as long as i can.

Beside that something truly wonderful happened. It seems a bit weird to post it here, but there are some similarities i guess. My GF suffered from anorexia nervosa for almost 8 years. In 2018 she was in a clinic to tread it and since then a lot of things changed. This disease is like an addiction and there are a lot of symptoms, like having no period. No period means no chance of being pregnant, you know this. When a woman is to skinny because of less eating, the body shuts down the period for protection, like 'the body should not have a baby'. Ok, so far so good. We did some artifical fertilization in 2019, it didn't work and we've spent some 7000 euros. After that she tried to do anything to get her period back in a normal way. The doctors claim that's not sure to say if this ever is going to happen. My GF, she did everything, even hormon yoga, for 7 months on a daily basis, she got weight back and all of a sudden, last week she had her first period in 15 years (without that birth control pill). We've went to a doctor to check her hormons and her hormons a back to normal. This is all new for us and we are excited what will happen next.

Bottom line, she recovered from this disease/addiction and i want to do the same. It needs time and patience, although no one can tell my how long, but i feel it's the right way.

With cravings i feel good and easy. There are situations when i think about PMO, but it feels just 'far away'. I want to have this whole year of PMO freedom in my life.

In everyday life i felt some stressors here and there and i learned that i have to decide immediately how i want to cope with them. Then life and sleep is much better.

Day 242:
Urge to PMO 1/10
Libido 3/10
Beer consumption 5/10
Chocolade 6/10
Morning wood 4/10 - comes and goes.

Ages 30-39 / Re: My journal, my friend
« on: October 27, 2020, 02:21:33 AM »
Hey guys,

last saturday i O'd with the GF and everything worked fine again. I'm happy for that and i felt it coming, that it will work again.

Also my morning wood is quite present.

Beside that all i've thought about the stimulus in general and thought of me and my brother. We both have that longing for more, he in other ways and i satisfied myself with PMO. It feels like something in my childhood taught me that i need 'more' and that normal stimulus isn't enough. So, my theory is that somehow i always think that there must be more, a super stimulus like PMO. As long as i don't get behind this, it's a threat to me and my reboot.

Day 211:
Urge to PMO 1/10
Libido 4/10
Beer consumption 1/10
Chocolade 5/10
Morning wood 5/10

Hello Shade,

i think a hard mode for a couple of weeks helps to distance from PMO and sex in general. Just to pause that part of life for a while. Maybe an option to consider?

The intimacy part, i relate. My picture of me being intimate is or was wrong most part of my life. Intimacy for me know is to know what the partner wants and give this to him. On the other side, our partners do know it so much better? I guess not. Intimacy/sex in our western society is a bit messed up and hard to identify, in my personal opinion.

One step at a time, this is a process.


Ages 30-39 / Re: Rebooting trough self-parenting
« on: October 16, 2020, 01:47:46 PM »
Hey EarthWalker,

congrats on your journey, exceptional self reflecting behavior. Your progress is the fruit of your work.

Keep on going, it's worth it.

Ages 30-39 / Re: I need to do this.
« on: October 16, 2020, 01:40:05 PM »
Even though you both have those conversations i can see you manage to get up again, out of that to a positive mood. For the future, it might be helpful to slowly cut the conversations about details down, since they don't help in a way? You know that better than me.

Bristol, what a nice and colorful city.

Ages 30-39 / Re: My journal, my friend
« on: October 16, 2020, 01:22:55 PM »
Hello guys,

it's been a while and i don't have much of a explanation for that. I was just happy going to bed early every day and do a lot of work in the basement on my bicycles. Also i took care of a lot of things in the flat. Sometimes i feel like i have endless energy to do things, which is good.

PMO wasn't a huge thing in the last two weeks. My libido is a bit higher, maybe in a normal area, i don't know. The GF and i haven't tested my abilities yet to have an erection. She's still easy about my problem and she doesn't think that it's a big thing and trusts that it will come back eventually. We'll see and i'm optimistic it will. As a cause i think i O'd a bit too much before my flatline occured, maybe?! Anyway, i hold on to the progress which is happening in my brain.

Since about three weeks i abstained from alcohol, which is good. It helps me focusing on my sports, since i really want to drop 3 kgs. Sadly i didn't find the time much to advance in my yoga routine.

My morning wood comes and goes, my libido is there but not really present. Overall i feel very good, i have great motivation and confidence. Beside that my GF and i still have to face some doctors when it comes to fertility issues. This is kind of a downer in my mood, because we don't know exactly what that does mean for us in the future.

Yesterday was day 200 and i can't believe what i achieved this year. I quitted smoking last christmas completely, i did manage to not PMO since 200 days and i'm focused on my running. Most parts of my life are great and i'm thankful for that. For the PMO part i'm also very thankful to you guys.

Day 201:
Urge to PMO 1/10
Libido 2/10
Beer consumption 1/10
Chocolade 4/10
Morning wood 4/10

Ages 30-39 / Re: My journal, my friend
« on: October 07, 2020, 03:31:41 PM »
Days turned by and now its wednesday. To abstain from RN was surprinsingly easy for me, because i have a lot on my mind these days and also a lot of work.

I can feel my libido is coming back, because i can feel my man down there wanting something. This definitely has changed, but if i'm ready for O with the GF i don't know. No need for a rush here.

The last days i tried to improve my yoga routine. This isn't easy if you really want to do the exercises right. I mean, there a so many details with every part of your body if you want to do it completely right. So i started to learn the down dog correctly and the cow/cat pose. Have to hold on to this.

During the weekend i had some urge to MO and just reward myself with an O, since Oing with the GF seemed to be a bit uneasy. This is my mind playing tricks. I know Oing with the GF isn't easy, but MO is just no solution for anything, right?

I'm too tired today, will catch up another day more.

Day 192:
Urge to PMO 1/10
Libido 1/10
Beer consumption 2/10
Chocolade 6/10
Morning wood 4/10

Ages 30-39 / Re: Navigating the world and the mind
« on: October 02, 2020, 04:24:28 PM »
hey beautywaytraveler,

this internet problem of yours is a dopamin cycle. Our brains and most of the brains of all people in the world are now wired to the new internet philosophy of producing dopamin with the idea of reward. So, what is the problem with that, one might ask?

The problem is, we constantly produce dopamin during our day. To understand the problem with that, one must understand the origin nature of dopamin. Dopamin functions as a reward before endorphin. You do something nice, repeat it, repeat it, dopamin will help you repeat it. 1000 years ago there weren't much occasions to produce that much dopamin, but nowadays dopamin is waiting everywhere for us. The adds, the games, they are fighting for our dopamin all the time.

The problem with that constant dopamin flow is, that we unlearn to be really excited about stuff, because we numbed our dopamin level. It became less sensitive. If you would live in a cave without everything for 3 months and come back, your dopamin level would explode by the thought you really can have a cheeseburger or a pizza.

To change this one must be really hard on himself. I don't know if this is necessary for our reboot, but i'm sure it'll help.


Ages 30-39 / Re: My journal, my friend
« on: October 01, 2020, 04:40:56 PM »
I believe that there is no special cause for my PIED but PMO.
But i remember i O'd with my GF 3 or 4 times in vacation, 3 weeks ago.
After the vacation i tried to not 'glance' at girls too hard, because i sometimes can't look away. I'm still trying this, with medium success.
Also after the vacation i had 3 nights out with a lot of alcohol, thanks to my friends.
Diet didn't change, still doing intermediate fasting, which is a power booster for me.
I still exercise 2-3 times a week, didn't change anything here.
Time will show, i have to be patient.

This night i had a PMO dream. It was ugly and i was an observer. I really wanted to be in the act, but they didn't let me and finally i realized how absurd it all was. Then i woke up with my man hard. I checked if i had a wet dream, but i hadn't.

Maybe i'm overthinking this topic right now a bit too much and i give myself this weekend free of RN.

I've managed to not drink alcohol since last saturday. Great!

Day 186:
Urge to PMO 0,5/10
Libido 0,5/10
Beer consumption 4/10
Chocolade 6/10
Morning wood 4/10

Ages 30-39 / Re: Taking it seriously
« on: October 01, 2020, 04:22:32 PM »
I never considered my addiction to be severe. That perspective guided me to a path of not taking it seriously and gave me a license of not working it out properly.

When it comes to you, have you ever imagined that you would be an addict? That you would find yourself fighting against something in your brain?
I was quite devastated when i finally realized that i'm an addict and i can't live up to my values. It was hard, but it helped me in the end.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Navigating the world and the mind
« on: October 01, 2020, 04:08:28 PM »
The originator will then be Gabe Deem, who's doing an immensively great job with building awareness for porn addiction.

I'm with what your wife is saying, fits perfectly for me. We are in this and only we understand what it's like and i never found a similar place to be that open about it. My GF is also meeting in a group in real life with other people about an issue of her and she says it's important to hear other stories and accept others situations in this to find her own situation in it better.
And i add, that we believe in each other that we can always start over, always turn the page and finally be free of that addiction.

That's nice to hear. Everything that helps you is just fine and the right thing to do.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« on: September 29, 2020, 03:38:01 PM »
I really had to laugh about the dream, sorry and thanks for writing that out. I had a dream that i relapsed and that told me how afraid i was about the addiction and the autopilot. I was or i am literally afraid that i can't do anything about it when autopilot takes over. Maybe it was this feeling coming through your dream?

Sleep will improve, read a book before going to bed, no artificial screens 30 mins before bedtime. It'll help, be sure.

You feel miles better? Wonderful, maybe the physical urges have faded. Now it's about making change sustainable.

Ages 30-39 / Re: I need to do this.
« on: September 29, 2020, 03:31:14 PM »
Nice to hear from your end.

As long as you both are working on that in positive ways the bad feelings around the problems you're experiencing will fade. Sure, it's still fresh and it will be fresh the next weeks, maybe months, but after that somewhere it will be all worth it.

Please don't blame yourself for what happened. Blame the addiction, blame these ill turned patterns. There are periods of sadness and they are ok. It's important that they exist and that there's a place for it. Acceptance is the key.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Rebooting trough self-parenting
« on: September 29, 2020, 03:19:10 PM »
Keeping the last PMO in mind. Wow. How shitty it made me feel in the body, emotions, mental and spiritual. I don't want to repeat this ever again.

Good point. It points out that PMO is giving is nothing sustainable. It literally is holding us down.

At this stage the urges to PMO/MO are very strong direct symptoms. I believe it will be way better in 1-2 weeks from now. These are physical symptoms that will fade. So, hold on to that and the 12.10. ok? Your fight is honorable.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Navigating the world and the mind
« on: September 29, 2020, 03:12:00 PM »
I take a deep breath, and I look around. Everything becomes clear again, and I can feel the ground beneath me.

Making this decision and making use of your free will is one tough decision. Even tough we know that it's a positive one, we don't fully want to be responsable for it. Being responsable for own decision means to live up to certain values. You define the values and i think that is something very positive to say. I want to live a life with certain positive values that remind me of _how_ i'm living my life, self determined.

Keep on going and keep on posting, it helps you and it helps us.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Warrior's Journey
« on: September 29, 2020, 03:01:04 PM »
Hello M,

My name starts with M as well.
Welcome to this forum, feel free to come here often and contribute with your thoughts and experiences everytime. We are with you.

The rest i cut a bit shorter:
First of all, please don't blame yourself. Self blame is amplifies what causes your relapses and so is every negative emotion. It's important to try to find the root emotion that is leading you towards PMO. What is PMO giving you? The idea that you can be with those people? Or is it you don't deserve what the people are doing there in your real life? Find out what it is. This can be a long journey, because it's not easy to 'dig' there.
The addiction as you know is strong, way stronger than we all thought. The addiction dictates us and is taking control over us (the autopilot). That is not us and therefore please blame the addiction for what it causes you. It's the right receiver.

Willpower alone won't help fighting this. Identify your triggers and build your very own strategy to avoid triggers and implement what increases your overall energy to make a fresh start in the fight.


Ages 30-39 / Re: My journal, my friend
« on: September 29, 2020, 02:48:35 PM »
I finally opened up about the addiction to my GF and told her about the addiction. I opened up about some stuff without being super exact about dates, i wanted to tell her that PMO is an issue for me and  i'm afraid the libido drop is connected to the addiction. It went well.

The conversation started about me not feeling completely at health at the moment and we talked about what might is bugging me. And i said, some stuff yes, but the most is the no libido / ED part. From there we talked about everything that causes ED in life in general, then i threw in my addiction part and told her that ED is a symptom of PMO. She took it as another item on the list of probable causes and she didn't ask any more questions. I told her that the brain needs time and some guys struggle years after they stop PMO with ED. We talked a bit about it, not very deep though. It was nice that she recognized that i'm afraid of it and that it puts pressure on me. That i definitey don't need and we agreed that there must not be a situation soon where we would be intimate soon.

I'm a bit relieved now and i see that this whole topic isn't that big as i think it is in my brain. Anyway, i feel i can open up about it a bit more easier to her. Not too bad. I would've also understand her being completely upset about it, but that wasn't the case.

This was the huge thing today.
For my yoga project i got closer to my routine, the mula bandha and the breathing, also some kegel exercises. And i've learned, for having libido one needs dopamin and testosteron.
Will keep you updated on this.

Ages 30-39 / Re: My journal, my friend
« on: September 28, 2020, 04:23:30 PM »
I see your point EarthWalker. Allowing it to just be there and do nothing, can be a good thing to unstress myself and give my body the time it needs. I want to do that with my thoughts, i don't want to be stressed because of it. For me, some yoga gives me the space to relax in the brain and focus on my libido. It's a bit like, there's a problem and i care for it, so i can be at ease. But again, thanks for that advice. Maybe it will help me when times get worse.

I learned a bit about the yoga routine today. Maybe i can share it when i know what i'm talking about.

I will write in some other journals asap, but right now i have to deal with my stuff.

Ages 30-39 / Re: My journal, my friend
« on: September 27, 2020, 04:15:09 PM »
Hey EarthWalker and Orbiter,

thank you very much for your responses and you both are absolutely right.

It's just that i can't "feel" anything down there right now. Normally i feel that if i would touch myself, it would just cost me a minute to O, but this exact feeling has vanished. This causes anxiety over a long period flatline and this leads to a feeling of sadness, to be honest with you. I don't want to be sad, but it's like this.

I want to start with a yoga routine to increase or awake libido again. I hopefully find the time to manage the routine daily, but at first i have to learn the exercises correctly before i start. I tried one routine today and it felt good.

For the next weeks i want to stop drinking alcohol. It's not good for me right now.

Today i spoke with the GF again about what happened yesterday and that i'm not feeling good about it. We hadn't had much time for this exact conversation and i felt that it's not the best occasion today to open up about PMO completely. I said that we must catch up on this again. She knows that i struggled with PMO in my past, but i have to be honest with the fact that i fell back during our relationship and only stopped completely 6 months ago. It will be no fun, but if troubles with flatlines continue, it's better that she is aware and knows what hardmode means, when i think i need a hard mode.

Today and yesterday morning wood was 9/10, but didn't last long after waking up. Libido is not existing.

Day 182:
Urge to PMO 0,4/10
Libido 0/10
Beer consumption 6/10
Chocolade 6/10
Morning wood 5/10

Ages 30-39 / Re: My journal, my friend
« on: September 26, 2020, 04:10:01 AM »
Even tough i've reached a landmark yesterday i have to make an emergency post today.

This morning when my GF and i were getting intimate, i couldn't stay hard. I felt so emberassed and also lost in my thoughts. Why is this happening and why is it happening after everything was working fine? I'm pretty frustrated right now, the feelings are still very fresh.

Maybe i lied to myself over the last two weeks. My libido decreased slowly and i felt it before we tried to be intimate, but i don't wanted it to be real. My libido has gone, and maybe EarthWalker, you we're right, i'm in a flatline again? Any thoughts on that from someone? I didn't MO'd or PMO'd, i didn't craved for anything. 2 Weeks ago, when i was in vacation with my GF everything was fine and we had sex a couple of times.

Now, opening up to my GF is quite an option. I said that i'm sorry and i don't understand why this is happening and she was all okay with it. It happens from time to time and she remembered that it happend more often when we got together nearly 8 years ago (after my first reboot). So, for her to understand that fuzz it's helpful to know. I have to find the right time.

I feel bad, i'm asking myself questions and i'm frustrated. Things come to mind 'what if _she_ isn't the right person for me?' and this really is making me sad, that i was thinking such a thing and not even knowing if it's real or not. Not nice and i hope, even tough i have no idea why, things improve somehow.

Of course i keep hanging onto the reboot, but this period is not what i expected. I want to overcome this and it shows me even more how bad that addiction is. PMO gave me nothing good, absolutely nothing of it is good.

Ages 30-39 / Re: The journey begins
« on: September 25, 2020, 04:50:04 PM »
'not an option anymore' - perfect quote.

I had sex with my wife twice and it was quite nice. I was able to "feel" the joy and passion during sex. It was a missing feeling for a long time. Before starting my journey, having sex for me was some sort of obligation, I never really wanted it.
It was the exact same with me. Maybe you've read it in my journal. Today i enjoy intimacy with the GF again and i like it. But, there is a problem with PMO. PMO gives us a supernormal stimulus. This stimulus is so extreme, the brain won't forget how it felt. This lead me to think, i will enjoy my time with the GF but i can't compare it to what PMO felt like. The whole PMO feeling is unnormal, not real and in the end unhealthy.

Congratulations to your 49 days or tomorrow 50 days. Be proud of yourselfe, never feel comfort in addiction, there is none. Keep on walking, calm and steady. The symptoms will fade sooner or later.


Ages 30-39 / Re: The Journey continues, the Challenge goes on!
« on: September 25, 2020, 04:43:34 PM »
hey happydude619,

nice to see you again.

The effort will be worthy and all you do with staying away from PMO is just for yourself. You and only you will earn the fruit of all that. I think of this as something really nice, like giving a present to oneself. Stick to it, this is a long term project. Covid will go away one day, everything changes all the time, but you being sober from PMO can be a persistent thing.

Not happy about the friends part though. Maybe just giving it time helps.

Ages 30-39 / Re: I need to do this.
« on: September 25, 2020, 04:37:16 PM »
My partner has just come home from work and she has bought me an indoor plant as a gift for making it to 30 days.
what i nice thing that is - enjoy it, you deserved it.

I have been feeling more focused and postive the last few days and I feel urges have become less but I am still aware of when they try and creep in. I recognise "it's" voice now as being separate to my own.
I must say, you've reached a landmark. That landmark is, that the cravings from my experience are extreme in the forst 3-4 weeks. After that, it's different. There is a lot to do, processing emotions, finding triggers, finding a new balance with your partner and, also, change things for good. I think you do good and you take every chance to overcome this. It will be worth it.

Can you imagine to cut off the ropes to your old contacts? Have you thought about why you're still texting them and what for? Are you ready to leave them behind?

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