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Messages - Freedomisworthit

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Ages 20-29 / Re: A journey of self-love
« on: February 01, 2020, 12:17:56 AM »
Man, have y'all hit a phase in your recovery where every attractive women caught your eye?  Since I haven't watched pornography in months now, I've really become aware of just how attractive some women are to me.  Like, my mind goes to mush kind of beautiful, haha, it's true for me though.  And my mind jumps to sexualizing these women (with some women, there is little left to the imagination, which makes my mind work harder to look past the outer appearance).  I'm still struggling to see past the body parts of people (looking deeper than surface, e.g. personality, name, background, etc.).  Do y'all struggle with this too? 

Since beginning recovery 15 weeks ago, I've become more aware of social bonding and what is feels like to be a part of a group, a family, have friends, and to also be a stranger.  I didn't really think about the importance of these relationships to me and what they meant to me.  But, for my own mental, emotional, and social wellness, it's critical for me to feel belonging, have a valuable voice/skill set, and feel that love/care from those I trust.  I CRAVE IT.  What about y'all?  Have you become aware of just how social isolating using PMO is?

Ages 20-29 / Re: A journey of self-love
« on: January 29, 2020, 11:40:13 AM »
It's been some days since I've posted.  My life is becoming busier and busier. 

I can't speak highly enough of an Addiction Recovery Support Group.  There is something so fantastic about being vulnerable with other men, sharing our struggles and working the 12 steps of the addiction recovery program.  Recovery is about learning and acting on new principles of honesty, hope, trust, forgiveness, hard work, and many more.  I've attended a couple meetings and I'm keeping them in my life.  I've found so much strength to resist temptation to use because I can put faces to names and relate in reality to men who are walking this road of recovery from PMO.  They are becoming my friends, brothers in recovery.  I believe this reboot nation forum is wonderful.  I think attending a 12 step ARP support group is even more important to get clean and stay sober.

Don't use. Attend meetings.  Get help.  Stick with the program.  I've seen such a turn in my life in the last week or two (I'm coming up on 4 months of sobriety) because I've chosen to go to 12 step meetings and continue being vulnerable with my support circle about what I'm experiencing during this recovery.  I woke up with morning wood and was tempted to masturbate, but had the strength to say no because I realize that I'm saving myself sexually for my future wife and experiencing that wonderful relationship with my wife.

You can do it my rebooting brothers!

Ages 20-29 / Re: A journey of self-love
« on: January 21, 2020, 06:48:11 PM »
These are great thoughts, and I'm glad you posted them. This phase of my recovery is definitely all about developing understanding and compassion for myself. I think you're exactly right that it's an essential part of recovery for everyone.

Have have y'all coped with the anxiety and anxiety attacks from recovering?  I mean, it seems like it is everywhere for me right now, both the anxiety and the depression associated with recovery and just how much life requires of me.  My brain is used to not worrying about the little details, memorizing or really learning without the aid of PMO in my life.  How do y'all handle the "newness" of day to day life, so to speak?  What has been your experience?  Is it just a matter of time before my true self is going to shine through day by day as I gain life experience and conquer these challenges?

Thanks for your help my rebooting brothers.

Ages 20-29 / Re: A journey of self-love
« on: January 20, 2020, 01:55:29 PM »
Yep, little things over time add up in a big way.

I definitely feel like I have reconnected with my personality through the process of recovery. When I look back on myself during high school (when I was in deep and not even trying to quit), I sort of just see four years of empty space. I can't remember a lot, and I feel like I was moving through life like a zombie or something. I'm definitely becoming more in touch with real life and myself as time goes on, though.

With some talk therapy and a lot of love, support, and patience (from myself and others), I'm beginning to come to an understanding and a place of compassion for my younger self and why I chose to turn to pornography (obviously, a coping mechanism for handling the social/emotional/mental problems of life).  I think this is a place each of us will need to eventually develop - compassion and love for ourselves, even in the midst of our addictions  and avoiding our challenges.  I know it is has been such a difficult journey to navigate my own feelings of disappointment, shame, and guilt for not confronting my personal challenges head on - avoiding them through lying, cheating, or using PMO.  But, there is hope and healing given time and patience, and a lot of walking through DIFFICULTIES (the very ones I avoided when I was younger).  I believe that my journey is similar to others where we're continually trying to come to grips with just how HUMAN we are - and that's okay.  Feelings, tests, trials, challenges are all a part of this beautiful JOURNEY of life.  I am typing my thoughts to help someone who is reading this, but also writing down what I've experienced recently in my recovery (I'm about 14 weeks into my recovery).

There is so much more to each of us than the pain, regret, guilt, or shame we felt from turning to our addictive behaviors.  There is so much good, love, dreams, hopes, relationships, talents, abilities, etc.  I pray that over time, we can each see this in ourselves.  We are recovering together my rebooting brothers.

Ages 20-29 / Re: A journey of self-love
« on: January 16, 2020, 07:52:45 PM »
I don't know about hating people...but I definitely have felt and feel uncomfortable around/because of other people. (But I have used the word hate in my head sometimes to describe my feelings about it)

I think a lot of things just come with time and experience. I will say that part of this process has caused me to stick up for myself more than I have in the past. I have always been a people pleaser (maybe a result of not trusting people to like me if I don't bend over backwards for them?), and I'm learning now to attend to my own needs too. It's all a process, and it all takes time, but a little deliberate effort can add up over time.

Keep walking to those greener pastures. As long as you're walking, you're progressing, even if it doesn't always feel like it.

I completely can related to the people pleasing aspect of growing up in my teens as an addict.  I pleased others so I wouldn't be found out and it didn't create confrontation.  I really didn't like sticking up for myself because my emotional/social skillset was lacking. 

It is so helpful to remember that little victories over time when we're each individually working on our weaknesses add up to something that can eventually be considered a strength.  When it is difficult, vulnerable, or really scary, I have to believe that and remember.  I usually reach out to a loved one to reassure me and affirm I'm walking the road of recovery and this is part of it (especially to my social worker aunt). 

How has your voice/personality and talents grown since you've continued in recovery?  I'm digging around my mind/heart/soul and seeking to know more intimately what makes me the person I am - what can I offer in regards to my opinions, talents, and personality?  I think it is important to really cultivate this because our poor behavior choices were just a mask for unmet needs - love, security, understanding, etc.  I really believe I continued using for so long because I didn't understand myself well or feel like I loved/felt secure in my life.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and perspectives my rebooting brothers!

Ages 20-29 / Re: A journey of self-love
« on: January 15, 2020, 06:05:15 PM »
Thanks Blue for your input and two-cents.

Have y'all ever had to process and work through feelings of just hating humans?  I know that sounds terrible.  But, at his point in my recovery (3 months), I have hit a well of feelings of worrying and stressing when I'm around strangers or new people.  That is normal to a point.  I want to be able to trust myself and those around me (in general) - you know, feel secure and safe in my own human society.  I know this feeling will come with continued work and nourishment of this feeling and awareness. 

I'd love to hear your thoughts as you've reintegrated yourself in society socially and emotionally.  I think all those years loving the pixels, computers, getting lost in a fantasy world really made for some serious dissatisfaction in my relationships and with myself.  I'm trying to continue to find strength to keep walking to greener pastures so to speak.

Ages 20-29 / Re: A journey of self-love
« on: January 12, 2020, 11:23:31 PM »
Thanks guys for reassuring me about that experience. 

Feeling like I'm being accepted for me and my story has been critical for healing purposes.  Feeling apart of a community with real relationships and real love, support is such a good feeling.  Feeling like I have a valuable voice to contribute to the betterment of the human race has been critical regarding my self-worth and self-value.  Feeling purpose through service to others and bettering the world around me, a day at a time, has been a great help.  All these feelings are new for me and I'm striving to consistently keep them in my life.  With time, they will grow stronger.

Feeling uncomfortable and scared has been a real part of the process in these first few months of recovering and sometimes it is just miserable to feel this way around your own species.  But, turning to those new relationships and activities has been key for me to move forward.  Keep moving forward, especially when it just sucks.

Have y'all ever gone to an addiction recovery program support group (12 steps)?  What has your experience with that been like?  I'm thinking of going to one and experiencing it again.  I wasn't ready to embrace my own life story and all of its feelings when I tried a few years back.  I've come a long ways to accept how deeply affected my life has been from PMO and it could be beneficial to hear and relate to other men of their struggles with PMO.  That's one of the reasons why I joined Reboot Nation.

Ages 20-29 / Re: A journey of self-love
« on: January 10, 2020, 12:36:50 PM »

I was playing board games with a friend last night until 2 am and came home, got showered, and hopped in bed.  Within the hour I was in a half awake, half asleep state, but had some really strong sexual fantasizing urges and orgasmed.  I'm not sure whether to think of this as a wet dream or intentional masturbation/orgasm relapse (I remember rubbing my man parts on my mattress) or restarting my day count?  I don't feel good about this experience, but I don't feel crushed and depressed (like I did when I intentionally relapsed in the past).  I feel like I was fighting the urges and fantasizing to an extent and wanted to go to sleep, but it just happened. I realize that being really fatigued and tired from the day and staying out that late contributed to my defenses being lowered. I'm going to hop back on the horse today and keep moving forward.  But, I'd love your thoughts and perspective on how I should think about this experience?

Keep fighting the good fight to keep pornography out of your life and any sexual addiction that keeps you from REAL relationships!

Ages 20-29 / Re: A journey of self-love
« on: January 08, 2020, 06:52:08 PM »
Potential Trigger Warning:

Man, during my recovery in the last three months, my mind has had some strange dreams, definitely related to missing sexual stimulation.  Some of these dreams have resulted in wet dreams - for example, last night I was sleeping and dreamed that I was married and woke up in the morning craving morning sex.  I rolled over and asked my wife if it was alright and she agreed, so I vividly remember having sex with her doggystyle until orgasm and she was satisfied with it too.

Obviously, I don't consider this a relapse because I can't control what happens in my dreams, but it was intense and felt so real.  At least my mind was imagining sex with my wife (my wife of my dreams, ha).  After having no desire for sexual stimulation for weeks now, it feels new to feel sexual again (without pornography being the main cue to my sexual feelings). 

With social isolation and emotional numbness being so prevalent during my PMO use for years, I have actively keeping the mindset of socializing with as much as I can throughout my day to day activities and seeing how I feel (emotionally vulnerable).  It has been depressing how hard my mind has had to work to keep myself open to social opportunities, giving my opinion or perspective, actually feeling something about whatever the stimuli is (be it environment, people, activities, etc.).  But, my depression and fatigue is a sign to me of how right these choices are - it means my mind is growing and healing is taking place where there was once numbness and isolation.  It is a new mindset that I'm committed to keep and it is helping my inner (and outer) world grow to experience new sights, sounds, smells, tastes, relationships, opportunities - GROWTH and LEARNING.  I can't take y'all how hard it was to learn and grow with PMO stunting everything in my life.  Y'all know.

Thanks for reading my reflection and another day in my PMO recovery journey.  Stay resilient, persistent, and endure my rebooting brothers.  Healing will happen with time and consistent effort.

Ages 20-29 / Re: A journey of self-love
« on: January 07, 2020, 07:47:37 PM »
I've been thinking how it is important to hold the ground we have already won.  If we've learned and passed through so many feelings of depression, anxiety, and pain, whether from the emotional, social, physical, mental, or spiritual toll because of recovery, then give yourself credit for having the strength to do that! 

I've also been pondering on how who we surround ourselves with - the people, environments, everything we read, see, hear, and do has a great effect on us.  I've learned how affected I am by those I spend time with and who I aspire to become.  It really is true.   Especially during the first so many months of recovery, I've been so aware of how vulnerable socially, emotionally, and mentally I've been to other people, environments, beliefs, and new decisions.  I feel so humble and submissive to continue this change, but man, what hurts from what others say really hurts or just the opposite, it feels so good when others believe in me and what I'm doing. 

Those were some insights I've gained today in my recovery and during my day-to-day activities.  I thought I'd share them with y'all.  I hope it helps someone reading this journal.  Be resilient, persistent, and endure the learning and growth that will take us all to become productive and healthy adults socially, emotionally, and mentally!  It really is true how pornography kept us immature emotionally and socially and in other ways (it is different for everybody).  Our brains are changing to mature and "catch up" so to speak to our physical age - make no doubt about that.

Ages 20-29 / Re: A journey of self-love
« on: January 05, 2020, 09:02:33 PM »
Good point Blue - although I will point out that on this website, there is still anonymity, which has been a real battle for me to overcome.  Put a face and a name to the person dealing with pornography addiction (loved ones, friends, the right people) and it takes away so much power for the addiction. Obviously, be smart about who you reveal these things to. 

I received some great advice regarding recording small victories daily of what you're able to do without pornography - problems you were able to solve, tasks you were able to accomplish, relationships that were strengthened, etc.

I'm going to focus this week on independence - making my own decisions (with the support of loved ones and friends) of nutrition, sleeping schedule, planning out activities, etc. It amazes me how much I thought I needed pornography or other people to make decisions for my own life, but that wasn't true.  We have been given free agency and the power to act unto ourselves - we can do it my rebooting brothers.  Fight through the pain, the hardship, and the struggle.  It is real.  But, we can beat it.  Make the next right choice.

Ages 20-29 / Re: A journey of self-love
« on: January 04, 2020, 01:07:25 PM »
I hear you Blue - I've had similar experiences with beginning to acknowledge things that I had known, but hadn't really appreciated or felt (like the sky is blue, I hadn't felt that beauty of wonder before).  If it isn't sexually arousing, it is like my mind rejects trying to appreciate or feel it (it isn't stimulating enough for my exaggerated dopamine trained brain).

I've recently been opened up to the world of how different everyone is concerning choices, lifestyles, beliefs, etc.  I was terrified to stand out or be my own person in the crowd - going along with what everyone else was doing is so easy.  Developing my ability to emotionally cope with being my own man is so challenging for me.  I am so used to having others tell me what to do - teachers, parents, leaders, and especially my PMO addicted brain.  I believe those I love, respect, and care about can support me in my choices and decisions, but I want to have the strength to make those choices and be able to stand by what I say (or don't say) and do (or don't do).  Over time and with practice, I believe this will happen.

My aunt (retired social worker) talked about how recovering from any addiction is a very isolating experience.  That is a feeling that is hard for me to endure because I have been so DEPENDENT on the mindsets of others and very little of myself.  Thanks for reading my thoughts, feelings, and what I've been experiencing each day.  Be resilient, persistent, and endure my rebooting brothers, even if it doesn't seem like there is any progress being made.

Ages 20-29 / Re: A journey of self-love
« on: January 03, 2020, 03:23:27 PM »
Thanks for that support Blue - it is sinking in just how important being a recovering addict is and learning to cope with that life experience. I have been feeling so much so how my mind is just waiting and craving a dopamine high, however I can get it.  And it gets me depressed and terrified that my mind doesn't know how to cope with my life around me - what to think about new stimuli, new people, new places, old places, etc.  It continually wants that dopamine high and I become depressed when I don't feed it.  I've been waking up to anxiety attacks and shaking in the morning and my mind in a tailspin with because it is searching for that extreme high within me (PMO), which I refuse to go back to.  Throughout the day, as I accomplish tasks, my mind is continually searching for that high that could come from one task or another and if I don't feel that, I'm disappointed and depressed.  It is such a vicious cycle in my mind.  I know it is induced because of years of searching for that high - but man, this is brutal.  I can't keep a schedule or make plans because my coping skills are so out of whack - it is like my brain turns off if I feel like I can't cope with a conversation, task, or the rest of the day.  And it won't turn back on until I engage in PMO or I'm willing to walk through the pain and depression of not feeding it PMO.

Ages 20-29 / Re: A journey of self-love
« on: January 02, 2020, 12:52:45 PM »
Throughout the first 10 weeks of recovery, I have found that my strongest urges to use pornography have been when I've tried new activities, build on relationships, and try to stay resilient with new mindsets - essentially getting out of my comfort zone.  I feel so exposed and vulnerable out in the open, among strangers, and in new places. Do y'all get depressed when you don't give in to the urges/cravings?  It is like, my spirit is happy I have the discipline to not use PMO as a coping tool, but my brain and body are so depressed that I'm choosing to walk through the new, hard, difficult, and scary.  It still BEGS me to turn back and use PMO and drop this new lifestyle of no PMO, accountability, living my life out in the open (and not hiding), and to just quit.  I guess, my dopamine levels haven't quite adjusted to normal life, their decisions, facing challenges and overcoming them, spending time with loved ones, etc.  I still find myself wanting to feel more happiness or joy from those experiences.  Do you think it is my brain still adjusting?  I was a heavy porn user in my teens and used pornography substitutes, edging, fantasizing during my younger/mid 20s. I know the science says that the heavier the user was when younger, the longer it takes for the brain to completely reboot.

Before I joined reboot nation, I realized that in my own try for recovery that I used pornography substitutes like searching twerking videos or fitness instagram models or just watching the body parts of attractive women on T.V. for sexual stimulation.  Those decisions kept the sexual stimulation pathway lit up like a Christmas tree.

I'm trying to take it into my identity that I'm a recovering pornography addict. I've never wanted to label myself like that, but it has been a major part of my life's journey, and I don't feel like someone can really get to know me without knowing that about me and my experiences related to that.  I'm grateful for you, my rebooting brothers, because you get it, you've been where I've been.

Ages 20-29 / Re: A journey of self-love
« on: January 01, 2020, 07:08:18 PM »
Today, I have been trying to establish my mindset of living my real life from a social place within myself and in the "light" or out in the open for all other human beings to see or socialize with me if they choose.  This is TERRIFYING for me because I was so guarded and masked my emotions like crazy, and didn't know how to establish a genuine connection with others.  I feel that if I can work towards taking away (little by little) the hiding behavior, avoidance behavior, and inner darkness from lies, cheating, sexual fantasizing that I became comfortable with, I can continue those steps forward living freely.  It is sickening to me how UGLY my life and inner world became through PMO use.  I'm grateful that little by little the light from within grows and I'm taking steps to share that with the world (in different environments, with different people, in different activities).  It is challenging, difficult, and I feel when I've hit my emotional/social limits for the day (some days I have a lot to share, other days I have very little).  I think by tearing down the beliefs surrounding pornography (while not relapsing) are the key to lasting recovery and healing.

Any support from men who understand what I'm going through on a daily basis is SO HELPFUL!  I appreciate each one of you men who are fighting the daily fight of a recovering addict. 

Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: January 01, 2020, 02:54:38 PM »
Your progress is inspiring Blue - we've got your back as you continue to walk forward in your journey of PMO recovery.  I really like what the previous posts talked about visualizing success, not giving up, fight the good battle daily for what you want most in life!  It is worth it!!

Ages 20-29 / Re: 26 year old. Leaving porn forever
« on: January 01, 2020, 02:50:04 PM »
Keep moving forward, 2020 will be the best year yet - all because you used the support and love from others to fortify your willpower to stay away from PMO!

We've got your back my rebooting brother.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: January 01, 2020, 02:47:40 PM »
Awesome job Achillesheel, I'm proud of you.

I've been trying to get rid of my PMO addiction for over 5 years now and like you, I've experienced hundreds of relapses - whether that was softer forms of pornography, edging, fantasizing, or actual binges of PMO.

This rebooting nation website has helped open my eyes to the thousands of men who are experiencing recovery from PMO addiction daily, so y'all understand me and I can understand y'all - the frustrations, symptoms, the daily struggle. One day at a time, we can can recover from our addictions.

2020 is going to be the best year yet of our lives, and a large reason will be become we are moving forward without pornography and life is getting better, one day at a time!

Keep up your goals and we're here to support you my rebooting brother.

Ages 20-29 / Re: A journey of self-love
« on: December 31, 2019, 07:37:58 PM »
Man, the urges to go backward and not forward have been HUGE recently.  For me, it has been about the anti-social mindset (I put on my business mindset, no real emotion) and not feeling secure enough to really express how I'm feeling (people pleasing, not trying to draw attention to myself).  We are such social creatures as human beings and it is just distressing to struggle so much at something that is so fundamental to living.  I am trying to be gentle with myself and compassionate because this is a new mindset and new emotions that I'm coping with without PMO.  It is just hard to be resilient, persistent, and endure on the daily and feel like it the headaches and stress doesn't let up to give me a break (unless I hide away from the world, that sort of behavior, that is the behavior I learned through PMO use).

Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: December 30, 2019, 08:36:08 PM »
You're going to get there Blue - every inch, every foot, every yard, every second, every hour, every day, every week, every month, and every year gained of not engaging in your PMO addiction is a victory.  We are in a war against our carnal and devilish nature - the part of us that is animalistic and less than.  Our spiritual or human side that cares about our fellow human, loves, progresses, learns, grows, and is dignified always will triumph - but we need to feed it consistently!  I really like what other rebooting brothers have said about taking a walk, meditating, hanging out with loved ones, building new bridges with new people or repairing old bridges, reading books, etc. are all great ways to cope with the challenges of daily life/responsibiliites. 

My aunt (who is a retired social worker and ran an addiction recovery program for 20 years) told me that sometimes when dealing with an addiction that times just needs time (for healing purposes, recovery purposes).  She also said that typically the first year of intentional and committed recovery without relapse is like a roller coaster - the brain is learning to live without the addiction anymore, figuring out how to cope with the different emotions and challenges.

Keep marching forward Blue - you've been a great help to me.

Ages 20-29 / Re: A journey of self-love
« on: December 30, 2019, 12:27:30 PM »
I had a similar experience like that Blue - I was watching an old family video with some family and I recognized myself (my little personality from the much younger version of me).  That was a strange experience, but touching experience for me. 

I feel like I allowed myself to be held prisoner by my emotional numbness for so long that it has felt overwhelming in many instances to experience actual likes and dislikes of various people, behaviors, items, or life in general.  I have felt very self-conscious because I'm such a novice when feeling and dealing with my emotions.  I find my mind longing to return back to a life of emotional numbness about everything, which is what I experienced for such a long time.  My nervous system gets overloaded when I feel so many different emotions throughout the day and try to organize them and connect them to the stimuli - disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, anger, etc. 

Have y'all experienced this huge emotional learning curve since beginning PMO recovery?  It is important for me to remember that this is a journey and I'm grateful for this body, emotions, personality, and likes/dislikes which I can choose to grow/learn from.  It is hard when it feels overwhelming on a daily basis, it seems like.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: December 29, 2019, 02:59:39 PM »
I only know some of your story Blue, but have you tried talking to a loved one, friend, or therapist before for when urges are strongest (feeling like you're walking the road to a relapse)?

Ages 20-29 / Re: A journey of self-love
« on: December 29, 2019, 01:01:02 PM »
Did y'all experience a huge amount of distrust and isolation during the beginning part of your recovery from PMO?  I know my family, friends, and others love me and want me around, but I'm having a difficult time believing and wanting to be engaged in activities.  My mind is so used to isolation and lack of intimacy (close relationships) and avoiding human connection that it is so difficult to enjoy these relationships and people.  Man, how I hate PMO and what it has done to my mind.

I've got to stay resilient and process these feelings.  I've got to believe that I can feel real, genuine close relationships with others again and trust relationships again.

On an additional note:  Have y'all ever felt like your identity was wrapped up in PMO?  Like, it is hard to be myself and know myself (personality, body image, self-concept) because I felt like I was my addiction (because of how much I used it).  Let me know what you think, thanks my rebooting brothers.

Ages 20-29 / Re: A journey of self-love
« on: December 27, 2019, 04:57:13 PM »
Thank you guys for letting me know it is okay and to not feel too bad at where I'm at, now developing my social and emotional life again. 

It really does take a lot of emotional and social strength to function at a high level everyday.  Engaging in my PMO addiction and attaching myself to that so tightly really was like social/relationship and emotional death.  There was little to these facets of my life.  That makes me sad, but it is the truth.  We pass so many strangers out at the store, at work, church, parks, etc., that when we have genuine, lasting connections with others, we need to live for and sacrifice for these people.  Over time, the reasons for going back to PMO become less and less because we generally begin to feel connected, loved, and secure in what we are living for right now.  Being okay with feelings and socialization/intimacy has been a really difficult challenge for me.  Live, learn, grow, become better today than yesterday.

Ages 20-29 / Re: A journey of self-love
« on: December 25, 2019, 06:17:15 PM »
Blue - I have become more sad because of how little my emotional coping developed while I was using PMO.  I become overwhelmed with my feelings throughout the day - I'm confused, then anxious, then stressed, then happy, then bored, then focused.  UGH!!  I became so used to feeling the "high" that that became part of my personality and if I don't feel that, I feel unwell and unwhole.  That sounds strange, but that dopamine high was so ingrained in my mind, that it was a huge part of my identity growing up.

Have y'all during the early months of recovery uncovered without PMO all your insecurities and imperfections?  It is really hard to bear that weight when I used to walk around thinking I was perfect because of my PMO bubble.  I didn't have to struggle and fight through all the different emotions of the day or the different people I would respect and meet (enjoying socialization and relationships).  Not to mention, my personal identity was not rooted in a healthy self-esteem or values I lived daily. Man, my mind is still so messed up in its thinking. 

One day at a time, I think getting some distance away from PMO has clued me in to the heart of my addiction.  It was the loss of my Dad.  He died when I was 13 years old.  I didn't cope with those intense feelings of grief, anger, loneliness, abandoned, and acceptance.  This lead to using PMO when I was that young and then, I hadn't developed healthy emotional coping with the new/old environments, peoples, opportunities, etc. of life.  It is so difficult to develop emotionally, now in my 20s.  SO MUCH GOES ON.

Keep resilient during these Christmas holidays - there are SO MANY TRIGGERS and emotions for me during this Christmas holiday season.  All of it is overwhelming emotionally. 

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