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Messages - Elvis on Velvet

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1
Ages 40 and up / Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« on: March 30, 2020, 11:16:11 AM »
Hi again.  I have not posted here for a while, life has been pretty crazy with this lock-down, working from home full time, and having both of our daughters with us in the house every day.  Previously, our older daughter was out of state at college, and the younger in high school.  Now, the nest is full and we're all here all the time!  I like having everyone here, but it's interesting to say the least, and my wife and I are missing our alone time.

I have looked at porn again many times, but still no PMO (156 days).  I am trying so hard to stay strong, but quitting porn is definitely much harder for me than quitting PMO.  All the down time at home due to the lock-down is presenting me with a lot of temptation, which is proving hard to resist.  I'm trying to stay off my phone except for essential work-related tasks like phone calls. 

I hope everyone else is dealing with lock-down and disruption as well as possible.  We're living in strange times for sure.

Thanks for reading!

2
Ages 40 and up / Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« on: March 09, 2020, 10:52:34 AM »
So there's good and bad news to report.  First the good news, I'm 135 days PMO free today.  Recovery is going decently well, I seem to be able to have sex with my wife without ED meds pretty reliably, which was the main concern I had going into recovery, and was one of the biggest reasons I decided to kick the PMO habit. 

The idea of spending hours masturbating to porn has come to seem a little ridiculous to me now, and I get a little grossed out thinking about the type of stuff I was watching before I started my recovery.  I'm looking forward to continuing to have normal sex with my wife and just enjoying being married and in love.  We've been together for 28 years, married for 23, and I'm only recently finding out she is game for just about anything sexually, so I feel lucky to have her as a partner.  We talked about it recently, and she said she's only started to feel totally comfortable opening up about sexual things with me in the last few years.  She grew up in a strict, ultra-conservative Christian family, so sex was always a bit of an issue for us in terms of what she felt comfortable doing.  In the past few years however, she has widened her horizons into all kinds of new things. 

Now, for the bad news, I have again peeked at porn several times over the past week.  Once again, it started with Reddit pictures and then progressed to tube sites.  No PMO, but several short sessions of watching porn.  I'm really disappointed in myself, and I'm again committing to being completely porn-free starting today.  This is again Day 1 porn-free.  Last night I had a lot of trouble sleeping, and got up, grabbed my phone, and looked at porn.  It didn't surprise me, as I had looked at porn a few days before, and I knew my old habit might return if I felt stressed or anxious, which I did both last night.

Leonidas, thank you for your comments.  I'm a little conflicted on the masturbation question.  I have masturbated several times during my recovery period, not to porn, but to fantasies/memories which I try to keep centered on my wife.  In the early days of my recovery, I tried to masturbate a few times, without porn, and was unable to get hard.  Now I can get hard and MO with no images in front of me, just my mind, which I try to keep blank or just focused on my wife.  It's progress, I think.  I don't do it often, only once in a while when I feel like it might stop me from PMO'ing.  Ideally, I'd like to get to the point where I've mastered my desires and don't need to masturbate at all, but I'm not there yet.

Thanks for reading everyone, and good luck!

3
Ages 40 and up / Re: Resolved to conquer this
« on: February 28, 2020, 01:26:12 PM »
Hi Leonidas,

Welcome to the fight!  Your situation is very familiar to many of us here.  You will struggle, as we all do.  You will possibly relapse, as many of us have.  I'm 4 months into my reboot and I have struggled frequently, though I can tell you it DOES get easier as time goes on.  However, I think I will need to battle this addiction for the rest of my life, I don't believe the urge to look at porn will ever go away completely.  I'm planning and preparing to simply live with the occasional (or even more frequent) urges.

If it fits with your recovery, I encourage you to continue posting here and engage with other people on the forum.  It helps me a lot.

Good luck and stay strong!

4
Ages 40 and up / Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« on: February 25, 2020, 02:33:22 PM »
Well, I'm 19 days porn-free today, and 122 days without PMO.  Wow, that's 4 months!  I feel like I'm really progressing in my recovery, too.  My ability to get hard (without ED meds) for sex is returning.  It's not 100%, still a little hit and miss, but I can definitely tell it's coming back, and much better than it was a year ago.

I'm really looking forward to my "new life" without porn!

Thanks for reading.

5
Ages 40 and up / Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« on: February 21, 2020, 11:45:53 AM »
Enjoyed reading your post Elvis, hang in there.

Question for you if you do not mind me asking,  your trip to Mexico sounded like a great time.    Every time i think about planning a trip with my wife to a tropical, hot place I immediately get concerned that there will be too many triggers for me and it will lead to "negative" feelings like depression, temptation, envy, PMO, ect, feelings that do not belong with you while you are on vacation.     I have had outings in the past to public beaches and parks in the summer and it is not good for me.   I do not want to live my life afraid to go out or plan tropical vacations. 

I guess my question is how you handled this?   Did you have concerns?   Any suggestions?   

Thanks

Hi, I'm happy to try to answer your questions, but there may be some mild triggers here, so please proceed with caution.  As you've seen in my earlier journal entry posts, my wife and I have an active sex life, and while she is aware that I've used porn in the past, and we have talked about it, she really doesn't know the full extent of my addiction or the problems it caused. 

The last time we discussed porn was early last year (2019), and her take was that she was ok with me using it to have an occasional release when she isn't around.  As we all know, of course, that's not really something we addicts can do, so I made the decision to stop entirely (with varying success, as you've seen). 

We're both what is probably considered high libido, and she also pleasures herself when I'm not around, which I'm totally fine with.  So, the point of this is that our vacations alone (without the kids) are usually mostly about having time for uninterrupted sex and exploring new sexual things.  For that reason, I don't feel triggered on these trips because it's really all I can do to keep up with her.  We really enjoy tropical vacations, and while Mexico is generally pretty conservative in public, we have been to some places where nudity and semi-public sexual behavior is rampant.  To be honest, I don't feel out of control in those situations, but I understand you might, so my advice to you would be to just try to focus on your wife, and also encourage her to let loose a little bit. 

One of the great things about being on vacation is that you probably won't ever see any of these people again, so if she wants to wear something a little "different" than the usual, or if you two want to try something you've been thinking about, a tropical vacation is the place to go for it!  Just make sure you discuss it in advance.  My wife gets me so worked up about what we're going to do on vacation, I honestly tend not to think about porn much while we're away.  I also don't carry my phone in Mexico most times, so I've eliminated a ton of temptation right there. 

I don't know what your relationship is like and I won't presume to ask, but if you can, I suggest making these vacations about the two of you, and just being open and honest about what you'd like to do or try.  If you feel triggered by seeing other women in swimsuits or whatever, I would say it's ok to look but not stare.  My wife and I have made a game out of it, and she's totally cool with me checking out a girl in a bikini because I talk to her about it.  When we were in Rio de Janeiro, she got a massage on the beach from a really good-looking Brazilian guy, and I wasn't jealous or triggered, because we laughed and joked about it, and I told her I was going to get him to come back to our room.  We made it fun and non-threatening for both of us, and it helped a lot.  Did she fantasize about him at some point?  Probably, but I'm ok with that.

I think some of this has come with age.  We're both in our mid-40s now and we're far more open and comfortable with each other than we were in the past.  We're married 24 years now, and it definitely wasn't like this in our earlier years.  My porn use made me emotionally unavailable much of the time, and we had a lot of resentment and communication issues.

Sorry for the long post, and I don't know if it's helped you, but I really think the key is letting go of porn as an emotional crutch, and I found that my relationship with her became so much better.

Good luck to you!  Take that vacation!

6
Has anyone ever tried a strategy of locking away their cellphone and computer and going without anything digital for a few months in order to prevent relapsing?

I'm trying to give up porn but I keep relapsing so i think this might be a good way to avoid this, but it would hard living and functioning without technology in modern civilization for a while.

You might recover way faster anyway I think if you do this as you avoid not just porn but anything digital like picture of hot girls on Facebook and anything sexual in a film or tv show.

Two things that helped me were turning off my phone and putting it in a different room or in my car at night, and not taking my phone with me into the bathroom.  Baby steps, yes, but they have been very effective.

7
Hi all,

I tend to relapse when coming home after a night out.  I very often automatically open my laptop to unwind / vegetate.  It's a habit.  I might go on Facebook, or YouTube, just mindlessly surf a little.  Then before I know it I'm searching for porn.

Do you guys have any tips for breaking this habit?

Thanks.

I had similar triggers, although my porn use was more frequent in the time before I went to sleep.  I would lay in bed surfing porn on my phone, often with my wife sleeping next to me.  When I committed to recovery, I started putting my phone in another room before I got into bed.  When that proved to be not completely foolproof, I started turning it off and putting it in my car in the garage.  That's been pretty effective.  It's just too much of a pain to go out there, open the car, turn on the phone, and bring it back with me.  I realized a lot of my porn use was due to the convenience of having it right next to me and a few taps away on my phone.  Not sure what devices you're using, but if turning them off and putting them in a different room is an option, you should consider it.

Good luck!

8
Porn Addiction / Re: Time to get over this thing
« on: February 19, 2020, 12:24:28 PM »
Addicted too long and too much time wasted. Starting the journey

I encourage you to start a journal.  Read Gabe Deem's sticky post on doing so.  It's helped me immensely.

Good luck!

9
Ages 40 and up / Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« on: February 19, 2020, 12:22:30 PM »
Today is 13 days 100% porn-free and 116 days without PMO.

As I posted last week, I'm feeling somewhat flat-lined again, though I did perform with my wife on Saturday morning.  It's often the only private time we have all week, since we get up at 5 am during the week and pretty early on Sunday for church.  Again, I'm not feeling a lot of desire, although last night my wife and I talked about sex a little and I got turned on, but alas there was no time to see what might happen.

I'm still strongly tempted to peek at porn, but I have not given in yet.

Stay strong, gentlemen!  Thanks for reading.

10
Ages 40 and up / Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« on: February 17, 2020, 01:30:46 PM »
Today I am 11 days 100% porn free, and 114 days without PMO.

The temptation to begin peeking at porn again is pretty strong.  It started the same way it did when I initially kicked off this reboot last October.  I started fantasizing about a particular porn performer, and got the urge to check her out on Reddit. 

This is exactly what happened last time that led to me peeking at porn and going down the rabbit hole!  I believe now, however, I've gained the ability to recognize and cut it off before it starts.  Last time, it was so easy to progress from looking at non-NSFW reddit posts, to NSFW, then to the tube sites for videos.  This time, I will NOT take that first step.  No bargaining, where I say "I'll just look at a Reddit page without nudity, etc.  That didn't work last time.

I hope everyone is doing well with their recoveries.

Thanks for reading.

11
Ages 40 and up / Re: Valentines Day
« on: February 13, 2020, 02:22:07 PM »
This Valentines Day will mark 25 years that my wife and I first met.

Valentines Day the past 10+ years has been an emotional day for me when things haven't gone as I expected.  It usually ends up with me going on an emotional bender of using porn and sexting that could last a couple of months.

Tomorrow will mark 45 days that I'm porn free and with my daily meditation I'm hoping to keep my emotions in check.  I'm hoping to make the bedroom alive again after many years of nothing happening because of my porn use and my wife not be interested which I'm realizing is probably from the way I behaved while using porn.

I can't expect my wife to embrace my change only after 45 days when she has so many years of resentment towards me. I'm just hoping for a nice day for us as a couple where we can reconnect on a new level that won't leave me emotional afterwards. 


Good luck, I hope everything goes well!  Sounds like the day is emotionally charged for both of you.  My advice would be to keep your expectations realistic, and not put too much pressure on her or on yourself.  My wife and I had some blowouts early in our marriage over Valentine's day.  Not porn-related, but it was about expectations.  Since then we mutually agreed to treat it like any other day.  It's worked out pretty well...

Cheers!

12
Ages 40 and up / Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« on: February 13, 2020, 02:19:03 PM »
Day 7 porn-free and Day 110 PMO-free.

I think I'm flat-lining a little again.  Both wife and I worked from home yesterday, and daughter was at school, so we were alone all day.  In the morning I suggested we have a "shower beer" later in the afternoon, when work was over.  These inevitably lead to sex, but by mid-day I wasn't feeling it any more.  Around 4 we both knocked off work, and she said she felt drained and didn't want to do the shower thing, just wanted to watch TV.  I was relieved, because by then I was feeling flat, too.  Saved by the bell that time  ;D

I was going back through my early posts in this journal and I see the first week or two I started recovering, staying away from porn completely wasn't that difficult.  Now that it's round two, it still feels easy right now, but I know the hard part is coming, when the zeal wears off and I'll be massively tempted to start "peeking" again.  I'm girding up for it.  Shit, I know it's going to be hard.

On the positive side, I joined a new gym.  I quit my old one when we moved last April, and I've been working out at home or the small gym at work, which is not an easy habit for me to maintain.  Having a paid gym membership motivates me way more, so I'm hoping to throw myself into it and get in at least 3 workouts a week.  I've also started intermittent fasting (18/6) to try to jump-start some cellular repair and combat aging.  I'm in pretty good shape for my age (47).  I can still knock out 50 pushups in a session, and I'm at a healthy weight, but I need the workouts and the fasting to keep me in maintenance mode.  I'm hoping it will also keep my mind off porn.  The new gym appears to be about 75% men, which is good because my old gym had a lot of good-looking women working out, and sometimes I would come out of there totally aroused.

Thanks for reading.

13
We have to do a better job of protecting kids from being exposed to unlimited amounts of porn. Although I don't support a porn ban, I do support age verification for minors. Adults have to prove their age to gamble, buy alcohol/tobacco, and even see R rated movies, Age Verification is just a necessary step to protect the youth.

https://youtu.be/s8r_8VcpWBQ

I agree.  I'm very, very libertarian when it comes to personal liberty and freedoms, but I think porn is a different issue with kids.  Many of us were exposed WAY too early, guys like me in our mid to late 40s who saw magazines, VHS tapes, and late night cable shit when we were in our early teens and before.

I know my two daughters have been exposed to internet porn in their early to mid teens.  My then-17 year old daughter talked to us about it and said pretty much everyone her age watches porn, at least occasionally, or has been shown porn.  It kills me a little to know she's seen the stuff that screwed up my life, and she's being exposed to all the unreality, distortion, and misconceptions that are prevalent in porn.

Age verification is a good idea.

14
Ages 40 and up / Re: Seeking Clarity
« on: February 11, 2020, 02:21:07 PM »
@HopeReaper: Good luck on your job search! The job market is a frustrating landscape after a certain age,  which is so ridiculous because the older we get the more we have to offer in terms of maturity,  knowledge, and experience. But employers love the younger candidates.  They are cheaper to hire and easier to take advantage of. I  think we are also in a time of underemployment.  Lots of people have jobs,  but they may only be part time,  or insufficient to truly sustain them.  It's a tumultuous time.

My partner is a recovering alcoholic and I know he is struggling lately.  He has some health issues,  I am dealing with my health issues, and his mom is having some issues as well (he is her primary caregiver). He has been sober over 10 years but has shared that lately the desire to drink has been coming up again.  I am helping him stay clean and trying to help him manage his stress as best I can.  But the possibility of slipping back into the addiction is always there.

I have been pondering porn addiction in relation to other substance abuse issues.  With substances,  often it is something external that has no biological necessity or benefit (drugs, alcohol,  cigarettes,  etc). But porn addiction involves sex,  which does have biological necessity - for some people - and definite physical, mental,  and emotional benefits. I agree that navigating how and when to reintroduce sex so that it doesn't cause a backslide to using porn is going to be a real challenge.  And the truth is we'll probably mess it up a few times. 

Now onto the day 11 update.  Today I am feeling a lot of shame and regret.  The feelings started last night and when I woke up I picked up right where I left off. Processing the emotions of the reboot is, in my mind, just as important as counting days and tracking penis changes,  so in the hopes that others can benefit from my process,  here comes the vulnerability.

I am feeling shame,  regret,  and depression that:
1. I never really came to terms with my identity as a gay man.  I have resisted and struggled against it my entire adult life. 
2. Because of cripplingly low self esteem,  I rejected the gay community before they could reject me. The irony is that the LGBTQ community tends to be very open and accepting,  so I have cut myself off from an important support  system.  I have never had long-term gay friends,  other than the man I happen to be dating at the time.
3. I am ashamed that I chose porn instead of a real life partner at so many critical times in my life.
4. I despair that now with my autoimmunity,  I may never have the chance to have a normal sexual response again.  The thought that "it's over for me" is unbearable to face.

Normally when feelings like this come up i push them back down... and i think we all know the most effective way to do that (porn does create that false sense of connection,  at least temporarily). Now I get to really feel them. I know that emotions are like storms, and the only past them is through them.

Good luck to all on the path.

Hey Brad, I'm following your story, and something you said here really resonated with me.

It's about going through the storms we face, and not retreating to emotional escapism to avoid them.  For a long time, I used porn as a crutch to avoid other emotional issues and responsibilities.  I got married pretty young (23), and my wife and I struggled a lot with a number of issues early in our marriage.  We almost got divorced a couple of times in the first 5 years.  Probably some of it had to do with my emotional unavailability due to porn use.  It was a self-perpetuating cycle; I used porn, so I wasn't available to her; she told me I wasn't available, and I got pissed off, so I used porn to escape.  On and on and on...

As I get older, I'm seeing more clearly that we HAVE TO go through the bad feelings, the pain, the hurt, the depression, HEAD ON or we learn nothing from it except how to hide better.

I wish you the best of luck, you're dealing with a lot, and it takes immense strength just to show up here and talk about it.  Keep going, and please take strength from me and others here who are pulling for you.

15
Ages 40 and up / Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« on: February 11, 2020, 02:10:38 PM »
This is day 5 porn-free and day 108 PMO-free.

I got a little depressed yesterday realizing how much fucking time I wasted watching porn.  Many, many thousands of hours.  I could have mastered a skill in that time.  I could have spent it with my family.  Learned a musical instrument.  Another language.  It's really sad I spent all that time watching worthless porn.

For the younger guys who haven't yet wasted so much time, STOP NOW before you do. 

I've also been reading more about how porn tube sites contain content that includes women who have been trafficked, raped, filmed without consent, or otherwise abused.  And it makes me feel physically sick, as a father of two daughters.

I'm committing to never viewing another porn image. 

Thanks for reading.

16
Ages 40 and up / Re: quit for good
« on: February 07, 2020, 04:25:45 PM »
Been following your progress Joe, and I'm damn proud of you!  8) Fitness is sometimes a grind.  I've been working out regularly for about the past 8 years, with ups and downs all the time, but it all comes down to commitment.  You have to make it happen.  There are always a hundred other things I can think of doing besides working out.  In the past, a lot of times one of those things was using porn.  Now that option is gone, so I focus on other things. 

I believe you're right that attributing overall improvement in our lives to quitting porn is an important observation.  I noticed when I stopped PMO, I quickly became more attentive to my duties as a husband and father, and I just felt less anesthetized overall.  I also used to experience irritability, anger, and self-loathing on days when I didn't accomplish anything other than looking at porn and jacking off.  Those days were bad, and I finally came to realize it was my brain telling me just how pathetic I was.

Best of luck to you in your recovery.  I gain strength from your strength.

17
Ages 40 and up / Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« on: February 07, 2020, 04:00:46 PM »
Since deleting the few videos I had downloaded over the past few weeks, I am 100% porn free today.  I'm going to start two separate streak counters, so today is Day 1 porn-free and Day 104 without PMO.  I'm really, really hoping I can make porn no longer an option for me, even peeking!

I have not had an orgasm since my wife and I had sex a week ago, and I can definitely feel the tension building up.  In the past, this would always be a trigger to PMO, but today I'm going to try to initiate sex with my wife.  She started a new job last week and is pretty stressed out.  I stayed away from initiating sex with her because I knew she was not into it while dealing with the new job, but today we'll see how it goes.  ;D

18
Porn Addiction / Re: The Most Deluded Man In the World
« on: February 06, 2020, 01:47:42 PM »
Thought you all might enjoy this. If you see yourself in here, don't despair! I used to be a lot like this, but change is definitely possible.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21AvagA3tWM

That was awesome!  Thanks for posting  :D

19
Ages 40 and up / Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« on: February 06, 2020, 01:13:45 PM »
Haven't had a chance to post for a while.  Work is intense and I'm spending more hours in the office and working at home than usual.

I continue to struggle with looking at porn, but I have not used it to masturbate in 103 days.  I was slowly slipping back into old habits of looking at porn before bed, and I even downloaded some videos to my phone.  My rat brain has deep, deep pathways from my decades of porn use.  I just deleted the videos once again (we all know that cycle), and I'm recommitting to not looking at porn AT ALL, EVER.

I'm really going to try to post here everyday from now on, even if it's just a sentence or two.  I feel like this place is my lifeline to recovery.

Thanks for reading.

20
Ages 40 and up / Re: Time to stop the lies and take control of my life
« on: February 06, 2020, 01:07:18 PM »
11 Days clean.

Had some urges, but fought them away. Hard mode is HARD! lol...

I don't know how long i can last without any outlet. Trying to stay positive and keeping my mind busy.

Hi Tim,

I hope you're doing well in your recovery.  My history is similar to yours as far as age, porn use, and marriage.  I'm 47, married 23 years, and we have two kids (18 and 16).  My wife also found porn on my phone and computer in the past, and our marriage suffered because of it.  She still does not trust me fully, and maybe never will. 

I know some men try "hard mode" and feel that it's the best way to get through the initial stages of recovery, and it seems like that's the path you chose.  Hopefully you're finding the strength to do it.  For me (103 days PMO free now) I did not choose hard mode, as I still have an active sex life with my wife (although I do use viagra sometimes because of my PIED).  I think hard mode is incredibly difficult, and it's going to be emotionally and physically draining for you, but some guys have had great success with it.

As I've discussed in my own journal, I continue to struggle with looking at porn, but I have not used it for orgasm in the past 103 days as I mentioned above.  It's a daily struggle, even today, but I find it does get easier as time passes.

Best of luck to you in your recovery.  Post often if you can, it helps all of us.

21
Ages 40 and up / Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« on: January 27, 2020, 07:21:25 PM »
Hi Elvis, I'm relatively new to the whole reboot community (I'm just under 2 weeks in), but I can offer my perspective.  My porn use was similar to what you are reporting.  I would sneak peeks throughout the day,  but not masturbate to the imagery. I was using porn to keep myself in a state of continual arousal,  and then would masturbate to the images I had seen during the day,  or create fantasies inspired by them.  This still activated all the pathways in my brain and has resulted in sexual dysfunction,  most likely due to dysfunctions in the dopamine pathways in the reward circuit.

On the Your Brain on Porn website,  Gary mentions that quitting porn is often much harder than quitting masturbation.  I would say that watching porn may be slowing the pace of your recovery,  but since you have broken the connection between masturbation and watching porn (i.e. directly attaching masturbation to emdless novelty), you have been able to make some progress.

Completely eliminating the porn watching and peeking will probably allow you to complete your healing process and will help you regain a sense of control ( once you get through withdrawal symptoms).

Wishing you the best of luck!

Thanks Brad, I appreciate your feedback. I would definitely agree quitting porn is a lot harder than quitting masturbation. I'm following your story as well. Keep up the good work!

22
Ages 40 and up / Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« on: January 27, 2020, 12:16:03 PM »
So I passed 90 days PMO free a few days ago.  It's for sure the longest time I have not had an orgasm while watching porn for at least the past 20 years.  As I mentioned before, I'm still watching porn sometimes, but I am not masturbating to it.  It seems like it should be easy to just stop watching, but it's proved very difficult for me, even though I'm not masturbating to it and not having orgasms watching it.  It's showing me how powerful this psychological addiction is.  I really want to stop watching, but I think my rat-brain is telling me it's ok because I'm not jerking off.  Any suggestions?

Thanks for reading!

23
Ages 40 and up / Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« on: January 21, 2020, 05:17:19 PM »
I've been away from here too long!  I'm at 88 days PMO-free, but my porn peeking has increased and I'm really worried I'm losing control over that part of my life again.  Pretty much the only thing keeping me from PMOing right now is my desire not to ruin my streak.  It's totally the wrong reason, but at least it's A reason.

As a follow up to my previous post, my wife and I went to Mexico last week and had a great time.  We had a lot of sex, and I used viagra one time but was OK without it the rest of the time.  Being on vacation, I had pretty much no desire to look at porn and didn't have my phone with me the majority of the time anyway.  It was pretty awesome, actually!  She got a new job where she will be working at home full time and I'm really happy about that for many reasons, but one of them is that she'll be there during my work from home days, which in the past were big PMO triggers for me.  Selfish, I know, but it's gonna help me!

I have MO'd once or twice, mostly to prove to myself that I can get it up without any porn.  It's hard to explain, but my erections during these times have felt different than the ones I got with porn.  They're not softer or harder, I just get a different sensation.  It's weird, but has anyone else experienced this?

I haven't been really focused on counting days, but I've got 90 coming up in 2 days, and for me that's a big achievement.

Thanks for reading!

24
Ages 40 and up / Re: From Darkness to Light - My Journal
« on: January 03, 2020, 03:54:49 PM »
Well, I thought I would be able to post more often over the holidays, but it was too busy and I had too many family and work functions going on.  First of all, a very happy 2020 to all my fellow rebooters!  I hope everyone is looking forward to this being the year we vanquish our addictions and continue on the road to recovery.  I'm looking to make 2020 100% PMO-free!

That being said, I am 70 days PMO-free today.  I have continued to peek at porn, however, and stopping this is my resolution for the new year. 

Trigger warning:

Earlier this week, I had sex with my wife without using viagra.  Again, it was "unplanned" sex, so I didn't have time to stress out about it, and I was able to stay hard while switching from her giving me oral to penetration, and back again.  This is an achievement for me, as over the previous weeks, I would lose my erection if we stopped penetration and did something else.  This time I was hard all the way through, and we finished satisfactorily.  My ejaculations are much larger now than they used to be during my daily PMO days, and it actually feels good, instead being immediately followed by guilt and anger as in the past.

Now the bad news.  After this happened, my sick fucking addicted brain wanted to celebrate by PMOing!  My first thought was "I'm cured! I can go back to jerking off to porn!"  WTF???  I didn't give in, but the temptation was very strong.  It scared me because I'm afraid I will have to fight this thing for the rest of my life.  It really hammered home how tight in it's grip this thing had me.

Anyway, wifey and I are going to Mexico the week after next, and I'll be bringing viagra but really hoping I won't have to rely on it 100%.

Again, happy new year to everyone and may our 2020 be the year we recover!

Cheers!

25
Ages 40 and up / Re: quit for good
« on: December 27, 2019, 02:11:19 PM »
Day 17

     things went good yesterday   and they look equally good today  I have been watching some Ted talks recently  on a variety of  topics relating to sexual relations  sex in society and marraige in general  some really interesting facts and thoughts    I am comming to the conclusion  that my porn addiction may not be 100% my own fault     Its a funny thing  that I feel this way  but on the other hand I am not going to put blame on anyone else     I'm sure  some will be adamant  that it is indeed 100% of my doing    In our city of approx 250 000  we are losing people to fentynol overdoses(please see fentynol addiction)  and it is widely accepted that  their addiction is never 100% of their own making   so someone please tell me  what is the difference  I believe addiction is addiction   its just usually the squeeky wheel gets the oil and since porn addiction is not that  widely accepted yet as a real addiction it is not going to get  the resources  it needs to fight it    perhaps when the addict is finally told  its "not 100% your fault"  more will come forward and tell there stories   and  the resources to fight it will come    Also  those patrtners families and friends  of addicts will be more accepting  and understanding   The addict is not going to feel so isolated and judged  and told what a horrible husband  friend  father   exc
      just some food for thought

    cheers

        Post often it helps me it helps you

A lot of good insight in your post.  Regardless of who is at fault for our addiction (and to what degree) it is 100% on us to get ourselves out of it.  We're going to have good days and bad days, relapses, and whatever else.  For me, the important thing is just moving forward and trying to make progress, even if it's small progress.  Little victories are better than no victories, right?

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