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Messages - faenoe

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1
Ages 20-29 / Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« on: July 01, 2020, 10:55:58 AM »
Well I made it one week. Then I relapsed.

I have noticed some of the consequences of this behavior are: not being able to focus, less satisfaction in myself, and less belief in myself to accomplish the things I want to do. Well, that really sucks. Porn is not worth it. It steals my time, it steals my opportunity to become who I want to be. It's time to stop this.

I remember during my last long streak that the urges would come and go away. I haven't had that experience this time around. Perhaps I just haven't made it far enough out yet during this round to gain that benefit of sobriety. In any case, I want to end this destructive behavior. But it is very difficult. Despite this fact, it is a fight worth fighting and a fight worth winning.

2
Ages 20-29 / Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« on: June 22, 2020, 02:28:26 PM »
Hello everyone. I have been going dealing with some major addictive issues over the past week. I am ready to start this journey again. My goal is to make it one week without PMO.

3
Ages 20-29 / Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« on: June 18, 2020, 10:48:46 AM »
Every time I relapse I feel horrible afterwards.

4
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: June 10, 2020, 10:54:14 AM »
We're here supporting you, zander. Keep going.

5
Ages 20-29 / Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« on: June 10, 2020, 10:49:50 AM »
Hello everyone. I apologize for my absence.

I have not given up on this fight and I will keep fighting it. This community is incredible and I have had friends from here reach out personally during my absence. Thank you all so much. Stay strong.

6
Ages 20-29 / Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« on: May 30, 2020, 10:36:01 PM »
Lost to the chaser effect tonight. It is incredible how much self-control is eroded after a relapse. I will not be starting my counter until I consciously have and urge and decide to part ways with it.

7
Ages 20-29 / Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« on: May 27, 2020, 06:27:16 PM »
Today I relapsed. I am sad about losing my streak but I am happy that I made it 73 days this time. Feels bad to disappoint you guys but I will start again.

8
Ages 20-29 / Re: No PMO until Christmas ? Yes I can!
« on: May 27, 2020, 06:24:52 PM »
Sorry Freeze, I won't be able to join you at the finish line. Today I relapsed

9
Ages 20-29 / Re: My journal towards freedom
« on: May 27, 2020, 12:27:41 PM »
Hi Sanders

Welcome to you. This is a great community to be a part of and I often find the support I need to get through times where the desire to look at porn is running through my brain. It seems like you have a lot of external factors taking up your focus right now. That sounds really hard. I hope you find the help you need to recover from this awful addiction. I have to warn you though: it is not easy. You're signing up for the most difficult thing in the world. If that sounds like an overstatement, look at how many people use porn every day. Look at how many are addicted. And you want to set yourself apart from them? You have to realize the magnitude of the journey you're starting if you want to get to your destination.

The best place to start is by reading some of the journals and learning about your addictive patterns.

Despite the difficult journey ahead of you, please also realize that thousands of people have recovered from this and that you can do it as well. I have achieved the greatest progress through my recovery while being active on this forum. Hope you can find a place here too.

10
Ages 20-29 / Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« on: May 27, 2020, 12:16:46 PM »
DAY 73

It's very hard to concentrate when the desire to look at porn is so unbelievably high. That is the effect that addiction has. It takes control of your life and forces all other aspects worth pursuing out--or at least, cheapens all other experiences.

This is what I signed up for when I decided to quit: the seemingly unquenchable thirst that I will not allow myself to satisfy. That is the only way. Looking at porn only provides temporary relief and everlasting regret. Worse, it makes the thirst deeper and even more unquenchable. Let no one deceive you, recovery is hard. There is no doubt that I am in the fight for my better life this very moment.

This is my message from myself to my brain, in hopes that I can convince it to let these urges go.

11
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: May 27, 2020, 12:09:29 PM »
Hey zander, I'm feeling the same way today. Hope you're making it through alright.

12
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: May 26, 2020, 04:56:42 PM »
Hey zander I appreciate the bluntness with which you justify your reasons for quitting porn. The simple chance of having a worthwhile existence is underappreciated and undervalued in today's culture. I find myself constantly surrounded by opportunities to metaphorically opiate myself and merely live life for the purpose of experiencing as much pleasure as possible. But a worthwhile existence is far deeper than any of that. Thanks for your perspective.

13
Ages 20-29 / Re: No PMO until Christmas ? Yes I can!
« on: May 26, 2020, 04:47:45 PM »
Hey Freeze, I hope the journey is going well for you. I have had a very difficult past couple of days but I'm here instead of online looking at porn. That has been my biggest changing factor during my recovery. I get hit by porn urges around the beginning of every week and the best way I have had of dealing with them is to hop on the forum. Reading about the battles that other people on here are going through help me remember the truth: porn leaves you more empty and broken inside every time you use it. I am writing this not because my brain has fully accepted it but because I hope it will some day. I hope to one day become free from the urges. But that comes fighting one day at a time. Seriously, it is a fight.

14
Ages 20-29 / Re: Miserable due to porn addiction
« on: May 26, 2020, 04:41:58 PM »
Hey bro, I also resonate with what zander said. The past couple weeks have seriously been the fight of my life. It's like when you want nothing more than a glass of water after a hike through the desert. But you don't let yourself do it. That is the decision you make when you said, "I am going to quit porn." You say that you have made up your mind to make the hardest decision in the most impossible situation. But you can. I'm here fighting this plague with you. I want nothing more than to get rid of the power it has over me. Make up your mind to quit every moment--even in the moment where you want nothing more than to look at porn.

15
Ages 20-29 / Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« on: May 26, 2020, 04:35:05 PM »
DAY 72

Thank you all so much for the kind and encouraging words. They really do mean a lot. The outsider looking into a situation can sometimes bring a world of clarity to the person stuck inside. I really appreciate what you said, anon. "Do not let some stress from school get to you." That's all it is really and I don't want to sacrifice all of my progress because of "some stress from school". That would just be stupid. Thank you for your perspective. Things have been pretty stressful over the past couple of days and my brain is obviously confused about how to handle it. It doesn't want anything but porn. I don't want that though, and I get to decided what I do with my life. I am not my brain. I am not my lustful desires. I am member of this community and am proud to be a recovering addict as difficult as that is some days. Thank you Jeks, zander, and anon for the encouragement and I also wish the best for each of you.

It's interesting how I'm on here exactly one week from last time I was on. Seems like the beginning of the week are the days where I struggle with cravings the most.

16
Sorry to hear about the frustration you've been going through Jeks. It's hard to stay productive especially with a thorn in your side. I agree with anon, try to find some way to relax and just accept that you're doing everything you can but you need to take care of your mental state just as much. I've also had some unproductive days during the past week. They're annoying. But I'm trying to learn to be satisfied with progress in whatever form it comes in. I think we don't give ourselves enough credit for the incredible feat of quitting porn.

Stay in control, take care of yourself, and carry on.

17
Ages 20-29 / Re: Miserable due to porn addiction
« on: May 19, 2020, 10:28:18 PM »
Hey anon, glad to hear that your workouts have been making you sore :P I also feel like I gain a lot from reading these journals. They're like the realest thing in the world. They capture just about every part of recovery and have been an amazing source of strength. I also get a lot from posting on other peoples' threads and sharing my experience with them. i think there's a lot of power in that--more than we realize.

Keep up the good work

18
Ages 20-29 / Re: No PMO until Christmas ? Yes I can!
« on: May 19, 2020, 10:23:02 PM »
Hey Mr Freeze,

I will join you on your goal of mid-June completely sober. It's going to be tough, but that is what you're asking for if you want to change your life. Let's do this man. Peeking is an illusion of satisfaction as much as full pmo is. Peeking never makes it easier to avoid a full-on relapse. Remember this.

19
Ages 20-29 / Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« on: May 19, 2020, 10:18:46 PM »
Day 65

With the return of a high-stress school / education environment, the urges have been plaguing me more than ever. I cannot say how difficult the past week has been. Quitting porn is a decision that has to be made every single day that goes by. There is nothing more I want than to be freed from these urges to throw away everything I have worked for up to this point. I need to stay strong through this difficult time. Now is the time I fight. Now is the time I have the chance to act. Now is the time I always wish I could go back to after a relapse. I have the chance to change my life right now. I am going to do that.

20
Ages 20-29 / Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« on: May 13, 2020, 03:37:21 PM »
Day 59

Recovery is an incredible process. It's incredibly difficult, rewarding, and, it seems, most of all, incredibly unpredictable. There is no knowing just how your recovery is going to go.

I heard this quote today while watching a youtube video: "There are parts of life that aren't pleasurable, but rewarding."

Today I am battling like never before to control my behavior. My cortisol levels are raging and telling my brain to do something to relieve the stress. I hopped on for the support and encouragement I always find here. I started working out a little bit too to hopefully help with the stress levels.

Man, my brain has been seriously wired to use porn/MO as a way to deal with stress. That is not what I want. I will choose to remain in my state of sobriety because my goal is to never leave this state again.

just staying sober every single day is a big accomplishment itself.

anon, I can't tell you how much this idea has meant to me  over the past couple of days. Thank you for writing this. Once again, coming onto the forum has helped my brain get out of that destructive rut and remember the facade of destruction disguised as relief that porn truly is. Stay strong out there.

21
Ages 20-29 / Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« on: May 09, 2020, 06:22:47 PM »
Thanks for the responses, anon and Jeks. I am currently experiencing the reality you speak of, Jeks. I am once again thrown into the stress of a full schedule for the rest the summer because I have classes. I am doing well learning the material I just have questions that I will need to let rest until Monday when I can for help. It's hard for me to stop working on my project but I really have no choice at this point since I don't know what path to take. With this being the case, the urges to look at porn have become more frequent but I feel a stronger resolve to overpower them. I have been taking better care of myself when it comes to time management and spacing up my studies with physical exercise and other activities I find enjoyable.

That's a lot to process. I guess I'm just under a lot of pressure right now and I'm going to get off the computer for the rest of the weekend to give myself the best shot possible for next week when I can start progressing on my project again.

Day 54

Stay strong guys

22
Ages 20-29 / Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« on: May 02, 2020, 12:20:37 PM »
Thank you blue and anon for the encouraging words. I have had a much easier time feeling happy and like myself this week since deciding to work part-time. My classes have started and so far I am staying on top of things.

DAY 47

This past week I had a couple urges but they left pretty quickly. It still bothers me that I get them because any urge poses a danger. I should have gotten on here at least one time during the week because that has historically been my safest response to urges. I think I was getting stressed out about and assignment but I just decided to hunker down and finish it.

This morning I had a list of things that I wanted to get done. Among them were fixing my bathroom fan and posting on here. I'm glad that I took some time to do home maintenance because I figured out some cool stuff. I figured out how to make a bathroom fan not work and then after some more tinkering, how to fix one that isn't working. It was a really satisfying experience.

This morning I decided to read a book instead of looking at my phone after I woke up. As I was reading I realized that in the past few years, there probably hasn't gone a day where I haven't looked at my phone. I don't feel like I have a problem using technology, it was just a realization that was kind of sobering. I am going to plan a day where I won't use my phone at all and make some plans for better things to do than randomly opiate myself with my phone.

I am going to go longboarding now because it feels like that kind of day.

Stay sober friends.

23
Ages 20-29 / Re: Pushing back!
« on: April 27, 2020, 03:44:13 PM »
A warm welcome to you Chris! You will find a lot of support here in this community. I remember one of the most important things I learned when starting my recovery was understanding what porn is. Porn is ANY material or media that causes artificial sexual stimulation. With that as your measuring stick, it makes it a lot easier to avoid the slippery slope down to regret and relapse. Stay far away from anything on the internet that you view for sexual interest.

Best of luck to you on your journey!

24
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: April 27, 2020, 03:38:34 PM »
I like the idea about setting the weekend apart from the rest of the week. I think I will also try to incorporate that into my schedule this summer as much as possible to break up the monotony of ZoomUniversity

25
Ages 20-29 / Re: Recovery is an incredible process
« on: April 27, 2020, 03:35:07 PM »
I think that's great that you decided to do some cooking instead of just trying to get ahead, and that you posted here when the urges hit. All good signs of looking for a more sustainable path through life.

It's like the say, your muscles grow when they're resting after the workout. If you never take time to rest, you'll just wear yourself down. Rest is as much a part of productivity as work. Addiction doesn't let us pace ourselves, but real life can be more sustainable when we do.

Plus, cooking is a great way to get your mind off things and to do something good for yourself. I love cooking as a way to unwind from a stressful day.

Hey Blue, I have made the decision to limit myself to only working part-time this summer (even though I can work full-time). Your advice has strongly influenced me in making this decision and I thank you for it. I think it will lead to a much healthier summer.

Getting off of the computer was a good decision and I really enjoyed the cooking! I often find myself making the same things every day but I decided to make something I never had before and it was a lot of fun. It seems like a good way to explore new things and do a little self-improvement at the same time.

Hey man, First thing's first, congrats on 40 days! You're doing great, keep it up. If you ever feel the urges, just hop on here, read these posts, and fight the urges.

I read that you mentioned in an earlier post that you didn't actually want to stop looking at porn, you just wanted more. Totally relate to this man. I relapsed a few times after a good 30-40 days earlier this year and then I never felt like stopping either. I just knew I couldn't continue watching porn. It wasn't filling the void, it was creating it. So I'm so glad you took this step. Keep on continuing this path.

I also have a hard time falling asleep. I've been miserable because of not being able to fall asleep especially since I am a man of structure and routine. It irritates the fuck out of me. But I've just realized that it is probably withdrawal (haha thanks to Jeks) and you just gotta find ways to deal with it and not use this as an excuse to relapse. So what I do is I push myself with workouts every day so I'm really exhausted by night. I avoid naps throughout the day (haven't had much success with this myself haha) and I make sure to study as much as I can so that I'm mentally tired too. So find ways to just tire yourself out haha, that's the best you can do. Slowly, this problem will fade away.

Last, I'll leave you with this quote which has helped me these past 7-10 days. "A lot of the time you will find that motivation, energy, and focus come to you after you have begun." So if you ever find yourself procrastinating on a task, or not wanting to read for a class that hasn't begun yet, simply get yourself to sit down and do it anyway. But, most importantly, know that even if you fail after trying IT IS ALRIGHT. Addiction and withdrawal are difficult, so sometimes it is okay for you to not succeed at every task. Practice a little bit of self-compassion because just staying sober every single day is a big accomplishment itself.

Thank you so much anon! This forum has seriously been the key to my success when urges have hit (that's why I hopped on right now, actually). It gets my brain out of the spiraling descent to relapse.

Sleep is one of the things that challenges me most when I can't get it. Like you, I try to keep a schedule and when I find myself lying in bed for hours without sleep it is really hard on me. I am hoping that with my summer classes starting soon, and my (hopeful) return back to a healthy school/work balance, I will be able to get my sleep sorted out.

I am definitely going to need that quote as I start classes again! Thank you for sharing that with me. And thanks for the reality check too about the accomplishment each sober day is.

DAY 42

Today I am making the decision to limit myself and my time at work. Even though my brain pressures me to work full-time, I am starting classes this week and I want to look out for my personal health before my perceived financial health. Working part time will provide me with enough money to make it through the summer so I don't need to kill myself earning a marginally increased amount of money working a student job (lol). It felt good to finally write that out and show myself that once I get a real job after university, I will laugh at how much I worried about getting more hours in at work. I'm gonna go read for my class tomorrow!

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