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Messages - Dionysus

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Ages 20-29 / The best is yet to come. My slightly changed journal.
« on: September 07, 2014, 04:35:40 PM »
Hello RN,
 I'm a 20 years old male trying to overcome that terrible symptom called PMO addiction and fix my false approach on women and sex a.k.a. objectification. And I'm referring to this as a symptom because after two and a half years of trying, after numerous relapses and frustrations, I understood that porn isn't my real problem rather a symptom of a problem called escape behaviour. I used porn and masturbation as a quick high whenever I needed an escape from reality. Trust me, I needed an escape almost always. I was unable to deal with life and discomfort. Here's a few about my past:
 I grew up in a pious family. As a kid, I've been exposed to violence so many times. It happened that when my mother gave me birth a religious conflict had just started up. I can only say to you I've seen people beating other people inside churches, priests beating each other, police arrests etc. While these things occurred, in the inner environment, my family's environment, things were even harder. My father, a guy that now I think of him as a person that still hasn't solved his personal dilemmas, suffered from a need for symmetry on things i.e. was seeing everything in terms of good and evil. Deeply religious, as he was, he tried to grew us up-oh, i forgot to tell you this, I have 3 older sisters too-in a way similar that Jesus and Holy Mary grew up. Well, I doubt there is a person that could tell how these two people lived, but my father had his own point of view on things. For example, he once told my sister who wanted to join a volleyball team: I don't think that Holy Mary would ever gone in a volleyball team, why would you? Paranoia. Anyway. As he tried to grew us up in such a way, he stopped messing around with things like economics, taking responsibilities etc. All he cared was how we, his children, will become saints. That had a massive effect, especially on me. The male model lacked in my life. I always remember my mother taking care of bills, checking the family budget, taking all responsibilities. Should I talk about any sexual education? I was 11 years old and I thought that women had penises too! Then was the first time I had my first visual contact with nude pictures. When I realised that women were different, anatomically, I was surprised. My conscious went upside down. Soon, I watched a couple of porn movies, discovered internet and then I start becoming addicted to porn. I used porn as a fix from this shitty reality I lived. Especially when I discovered MO, soon I became very addicted. Imagine, at my cousins wedding, I acted like I was sick in order to stay in house and PMO. I relapsed 9 or 10 times that day. If one could characterise me back then, I would fit into two words: porn and violence. I was an angry teenager who used porn as a daily escape from reality. Soon, I started hanging out with wrong people. I started supporting my local soccer team, I start to change myself into a hooligan. Violence and porn. At the same time I had my first get-to-know experience with girls. I was a hell of a shy person, hopefully my "friends" introduced me to a couple of girls. I then had my first dates but this viewing-women-as-sex-objects ruined everything. Every week I got hooked up with a new girl-attention, no sex included. I don't know what happened this time but it was my math professor that told me: Hey, pal, if you continue living like this way, you'll be in jail before your 20s, I can guarantee that. I shit my pants back then, it was the beginning of high school for me i.e. I was 15 years old-and told myself I should change. I stopped hanging out with my old dudes, stopped hanging out with girls, stopped everything and started reading. I was saying myself "if you read, you'll get accepted by a college and then you're gonna live in a new city, far from home, that's when you will destroy your old self and start creating your new one". Hell, I made it and I'm proud of it. After 3 years of hard studying, I got accepted as an electrical engineer in a city far from home. It was my chance. But..I was hard addicted to porn. As I said, 3 years I stop hanging with girls, with people generally, I bet my everything on my future. I had to satisfy my urges though. Well, porn and a couple of prostitutes: bad combination. 3 years later, I was destroyed. I've started checking shemale porn-hey, sorry for the trigger words-and a bit of gay porn too. Soon, I started to have awful thoughts about my sexuality. Start wondering "how the fck I'm watching videos like these, am I gay or what?!". Then, one day, there happened an incident on a street. A junkie threatened me with a syringe; he needed money. I lost the earth under my feet that day. I started having obsessive thoughts about junkies that would stop me on streets every day, I became afraid of everyone and everything. After a month or so, while continuing watching extreme porn, I fell into HOCD. It took me almost half a year to recover. Not to mention my college life. I had to study 8-10 hours a day, lessons were difficult. I failed hard on my first and second semester. Then, I got introduced by my sister to a therapist. Together, we started finding answers to my problems. Started creating my new self, brick by brick.
 Today I'm a changed person. Still though, I've got so many things to fix. Brick by brick. I started taking responsibilities, started establishing healthy friendships, overcame my HOCD issue, started working-and building my CV-for the first time in my life, started overcoming my fears, started taking little steps out of my comfort zone, started talking with girls-in a friendly way still. As for my PMO problem? I stopped watching extreme porn and now I'm trying to get rid of it completely. It's the fact that my life has a meaning today. I accepted my past and moved on. And life goes on..!

This is my journal. I wish at each and every one of you good luck on your journey, good luck on finding yourself, good luck on living a better life from now on and remember! Porn itself isn't a problem. It's how we are making use of it. Thanks for reading! bw dn

P.S. English isn't my native language, so please excuse any mistakes.

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