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Messages - dataguy

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Ages 40 and up / Re: dataguy journal
« on: September 20, 2014, 02:37:52 PM »
I added one week to the goal on my counter.  I see the people with large goals (like a year or something of that order) and I admire that and would like to try it, but I think that for awhile I need smaller goals that I can quickly reach and sort of get some satisfaction from reaching.

Ages 40 and up / Re: dataguy journal
« on: September 20, 2014, 02:28:15 PM »
Another internet outage or computer glitch today.  I'm back online now (obviously).  I over did it a bit with a big bike ride yesterday, --- about 70 somewhat hilly miles.  The ride felt good, really tired yesterday evening, had to go to a family meal on short notice, really didn't want to be there. 

But the trigger that I experienced was this morning when I got up and my internet wouldn't work (probably it was really something glitchy in my own computer).  It wasn't anything porn related about the net, it was just that it was working yesterday evening, I got up this morning and it wasn't working.  It drives me nuts when things don't work (and especially things that I can't fix myself, or figure out what went wrong.)  I have a pretty intense case of DIY, do it yourself.

So the trigger was stress from something suddenly not working, and the old way to deal with it would be to PMO, and edge, and the process would be so intense I wouldn't have to think about the current problem.

Ages 40 and up / Re: dataguy journal
« on: September 18, 2014, 10:08:47 PM »
I thought I'd report that this was a stressful and tempting evening, but I got through it, partly with the idea that I didn't want to let down my friends and myself here on reboot nation.  I'm looking forward to a big ride tomorrow, and I did respond to the offer of re-entering the workforce, that yes, I might be interested, and am at least willing to meet and talk about the prospect.

Ages 40 and up / Re: dataguy journal
« on: September 18, 2014, 07:04:30 PM »
Yes, I'm happy to have made it through day 15.  Today was a tough day, kind of a let down after the previous days' chaos and excitement.  I'm feeling some temptations this evening and they are difficult to resist.  So, I'm reading through some posts on this site and trying to stay positive.  I'm planning a bike ride for tomorrow as a reward to look forward to. 

Ages 40 and up / Re: dataguy journal
« on: September 18, 2014, 08:39:23 AM »
Hi All, thanks for the encouraging comments.  I've had a hectic hectic week; but a good week.  I'm online for the first time in about 4 or 5 days.  I had a couple days of internet outage, followed by a crescendo of activity getting ready for my nephew's wedding (in my backyard, in the rain).  I feel like a weight has been lifted by having that now behind me.

I'm still in the clean-up-and-put-things-away phase, and so it's not all completely over, but the pressure is off.  But this will be a short post this morning.

Also, a couple days ago at the height of preparation activity, I got a phone call sounding me out about the possibility of re-entering the work force (I am recently retired), so that is sort of a stressor.

I'm hoping to get on the bicycle later this morning for the first time in several days; cycling is my best stress-reliever.

Ages 40 and up / Re: And I'm off.
« on: September 13, 2014, 05:06:25 PM »
I'm less worried about alcohol than about the P, but I'm cutting back a great deal on alcohol and I can tell that is helping.  I sleep better with a cup of tea and a valerian root capsule than I do if I have alcohol.  If I sleep better, everything the next day is better.  In the past I would PMO in the daytime, and then use alcohol to sedate myself in the evening to quit worrying about, or thinking about the porn use that I was not content with.  So the two would sort of feed on each other.  At the same time I was trying to bicycle a lot and work on improving my overall health.  Of course these two are diametrically opposed. 

Not trying to dictate to you, just relating what I'm finding.  I guess I'm trying to gently suggest caution with alcohol.

Ages 40 and up / Re: And I'm off.
« on: September 12, 2014, 09:53:34 PM »
Jijnyasu the candor of your posts is very encouraging for me.  I just started my reboot on this site a few days ago, I haven't posted as much detail as you have but I've engaged in activities and considered activities that I'm not happy about and that I hope are becoming less likely as I reboot. 

I like the reboot name and connotation a lot.  It kind of has the implication of resetting my brain setting to some healthier "default" values that I've messed up over time.

I want to let you know that I'm in something like the same shape as you and I'm pulling for you.

Ages 40 and up / Re: dataguy journal
« on: September 12, 2014, 09:09:01 PM »
Yes, over the years there have been many decisions to stop, followed by re-entry into the same addictive behaviors.

Today was a tough day, I was really tired even though I slept pretty well last night, I've been hitting it pretty hard the past couple of days.  I worked some, took a couple naps, my girlfriend and I went out for supper this evening, now I'm relaxing in front of the tv, off to bed pretty soon and rest up for tomorrow. 

Ages 40 and up / Re: dataguy journal
« on: September 12, 2014, 07:47:28 AM »
I'll report that I'm sleeping better and getting more done each day. 

Ages 40 and up / Re: dataguy journal
« on: September 11, 2014, 10:04:38 PM »
I can report another good day, with some shakiness.  My internet was out all day, (giant regional outage) and that was another stressor that could have been a trigger.  I've been rebooting for a bit over a week now, strong temptation is still there.  And I worked a lot today (I'm hosting a wedding in a week, big family thing, not one family member has offered to help prep other than my girlfriend (she's wonderful, my best motivation), their lack of offers to help is another stress element. 

Worked inside the house this morning, got really stressed by no-internet, decided to go for a bike ride, 20 miles on the bike and running a few errands while on the bike helped a lot.  Then a nap after the ride also helped, followed by a few hours working in the yard. 

I'm looking forward to having more time and energy to spend on productive things that I choose to do.

Ages 40 and up / Re: dataguy journal
« on: September 10, 2014, 08:31:30 AM »
I'll report that I actually did sleep much better last night.  A calm evening, tea, and no alcohol leads to better sleep for me.

Ages 40 and up / Re: dataguy journal
« on: September 09, 2014, 10:07:45 PM »
PMOVictory - thanks for the kind words and encouragement.

Today was stressful.  I'm getting ready to host a wedding (my nephew) in my backyard.  So, lots of mowing, trimming, and such today.  The wedding is still 8 days away, but separately my Dad needs several days of help from me, which is coming at exactly the wrong time.  So, I'll be glad to get through the next 8 days or so without a PMO problem.  That's why I set my current goal to extend to Sept 18. 

I had a nice mug of caffeine-free tea and some valerian root.  I'm hoping to sleep better and then wake up refreshed tomorrow.

Ages 40 and up / Re: dataguy journal
« on: September 09, 2014, 07:41:27 AM »
I'm finding that checking in to post in this journal is something I look forward to and is a way to de-rail thoughts that might lead to PMO.

Ages 40 and up / Re: I'm married, gay and on the DL (in the closet)
« on: September 08, 2014, 11:07:30 PM »
Hi ChevyVan  - I read through your post and want to wish you well.  I'm just beginning the battle against P. 

Ages 40 and up / Re: SMS -
« on: September 08, 2014, 10:59:08 PM »
Hi SMS -

Your journal is encouraging and I appreciate how hard you are working. And you've read and posted in mine some.  I'm curious about your thoughts on exercise, sounds like you might have just started getting that into the mix.  I'm 56, could stand to lose 20 lbs (maybe a few more), and an avid cyclist. 

I know I feel better physically and mentally when I cycle, although I may tend to over do it, and might ride 50 when 15 might be enough.

I haven't yet come across much about exercise and rebooting. 

Ages 40 and up / Re: dataguy journal
« on: September 08, 2014, 10:29:30 PM »
Well, I've gotten through Monday ok, sort of dreading tomorrow (I'm here by myself all day, wedding prep, lots more to do than I can possibly get done.).

My journal may bore others to death, but it's a good place for me to sort of make a tally mark and say, well I'm doing ok -- or maybe not ok, but today was ok.

Just the thought that others are out there struggling with the same problems and I am not alone is an encouragement.

Ages 40 and up / Re: dataguy journal
« on: September 08, 2014, 10:12:31 AM »
Ok, it's Monday and yes the temptations are stronger.  My plan for this morning is paying bills, a few miles on the bike, then out to the restaurant for lunch.  Getting out and seeing other people will be good.  Being home alone is a trigger.

Ages 40 and up / Re: dataguy journal
« on: September 06, 2014, 06:59:22 AM »
Just a quick note that I'm sensing that Monday will be a tough day.  Today I have an outing with my girlfriend, tonight we're out with friends, tomorrow I'm off on a big bike ride with a buddy, then Monday I'll be alone and overwhelmed by stuff I need to do getting ready for my nephew's wedding, likely family stress with Dad, and other stuff. Also if things continue to go ok it'll have been a couple days longer since I've been active and so the urge will be stronger.  I'm concerned about Monday.  Also, I'll be away from the internet until Monday -- I mean I won't be on this site until then. 

Ages 40 and up / Re: dataguy journal
« on: September 05, 2014, 10:06:42 PM »
I'd like to report another good day. 
Bicycling has long been a favorite activity for me and I had a nice 4 hour ride today.

I'm hosting a wedding here in my yard for a nephew in a couple weeks and I'm getting pretty stressed by the amount of prep I need to do.  I did some house cleaning this morning before the ride, and some yard work after I returned home.  I'm on my own prepping and it's stressing me.   I mentioned family stress in a prior post, here's another example. 

I've been using some time in the evening to read some of the articles on Your Brain on Porn -- ybop.  Very interesting account about the dangers of edging.  That's been a common activity for me.   Many days have had that kind of session at some point during the day and then several glasses of wine in the evening.  I'm not committed to abstinence from wine, but I haven't had any since I started my reboot.  It seems like the wine might lower my inhibitions, but also mostly just sapped my energy. I'm curious about other's reboot-thoughts about alcohol and also about exercise.  Tonight I've had caffein-free tea and valerian root.  I slept better last night than I have for awhile.

Ages 40 and up / Re: dataguy journal
« on: September 04, 2014, 10:21:02 PM »
I want to thank you all for replying and welcoming me, and report that I had a better day today than yesterday.  I did think about the counter numerous times throughout the day and thought about not wanting to have to reset it.

I'm pretty exhausted tonight but I want to mention one trigger that I've noted that surprises me.  I have older parents, late 80's, doing ok, but declining.  And mostly we get along well, and being retired I'm able to be with them and help them more than other family members.  Sometimes when we disagree about something, or especially when I offer advice that they ignore and do something different I find it very stressful.  So family stress is one (of many) triggers for me, and the surprise was that it was just the stress it induces, it wasn't like stumbling across a graphic image that triggers an acting out episode.

Ages 40 and up / dataguy journal
« on: September 03, 2014, 11:12:30 PM »
Hello All. 

I've been a porn addict essentially all my life.  I'm 56.  Today was my most recent bad day.  I've been in counseling years ago, but nothing for a long time.  I stumbled on this site today while searching online for therapists or ways to get help.  It does seem like if the internet is one aspect of the problem, then it's only fair that it might be involved in a potential solution.  Also, it's so hard to admit to others face-to-face that one has a problem with pornography and with their sexuality.  So with the anonymity of being online, I can say to you all that I have an enormous problem that is having a bad affect on my life, and I probably couldn't do that if we were face to face.

I like the idea of a counter, and I tried to set one up in my profile.  I count everything.  I can tell you how many days it has been since I retired.  When I try to clean my house I count how many things I've put away, to get a feeling that I've accomplished something.

I read through a few other profiles and messages.  I think I shouldn't do too much of that for some time.  I stumbled across case after case where different member's counters were disabled due to inactivity, which makes me suppose that things hadn't gone too well, and that they'd failed.  I guess it's not failure since they could certainly try again, but I have trouble seeing that possibility.

My level of use of porn seems closely related to how much stress I feel in my life.  And for the last few months the stress level has soared, and my use has gone up.  The addictive cycle is so strong that when I'm acting out, all of my problems are gone from my mind.  Probably when I can think more clearly I'll say I'm not under an unusual amount of stress, I just deal with it in an addictive way.  I also use exercise to deal with stress.  I do cycling.  I may do this addictively also (ride too long a distance).

I'm divorced (for 10 years).  The marriage broke up over my porn use.  I have a girlfriend, we've been together 5 years.  She is aware in general that I have a problem with porn, but doesn't know how bad it is.  We don't live together, so that lets me hide a lot, and my addiction would be the main reason we don't live together. 

I'm hoping to get some help from you all with the battle over porn, and to learn more about myself, why I do this, and what I can do differently.

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