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Messages - Jay2019

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal of Jay
« on: August 29, 2019, 12:25:09 AM »
Today is day 40. 

The past two days, I have been busy between work (now fully self-employed, and developing a business - something I'm sure I couldn't do if porn was still how I filled much of my spare time) and my girlfriend.  There's some tension in our relationship this morning, as yesterday ended with a bit of a breakdown of communication, so I have to manage that today, not reach for the 'fuck-it button'.  I don't feel like using porn, but I know there has been at the core of my porn use a need to lock myself away in the emotional sense.  Porn use felt good, but going into that neurochemical bubble also meant I wasn't thinking about relationships with others.  Relationships are emotive, in one direction or the other, and so being truly present involves emotions...and emotions can be triggers for people like us.  So, I have to be grown up, act like a 43 year old, and not run from the conflict into the clutches of one addiction or the other.   

So, day 40, and I have to keep working on this, thinking about likely triggers, preempting, or preparing for, situations that  might trick my mind into thinking porn use is a good idea.  It's not.  I know this at my centre.  40 days without watching porn is something of a miracle.  One day a time though.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal of Jay
« on: August 29, 2019, 12:05:50 AM »
Thanks all for the supportive messages.

Ages 20-29 / Re: I am not going back to P
« on: August 26, 2019, 04:01:40 PM »
I understand the anxiety that has lead Lero to MO has been the main problem.
We must create a thread 'Anxiety management' in porn addiction section. It's a very important and deep topic to discuss and maybe it could help many of us to struggle with it and dopamine.

Great idea.  Anxiety management is really important in this process, and in life in general.

Ages 40 and up / Re: New here
« on: August 26, 2019, 03:59:00 PM »
Welcome to the forum.  Hope you get what you need from it.  My life is transforming, and I couldn't have started that process without the support in here. 

Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal of Jay
« on: August 26, 2019, 03:55:08 PM »
37 days is a good Thing!!! Be proud of yourself!

Thanks a lot - appreciate it.  Longest porn-free stint in my entire adult life, and I'm loving the freedom.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal of Jay
« on: August 26, 2019, 02:50:43 AM »
Days 35 and 36 were busy, in a good way.  I spent the days and nights with my girlfriend, having coffee out, seeing beautiful places, watched the new Tarantino...time to relax, switch off, and porn was not even remotely near to my mind. 

I did have, though, an automatic thought that came into my head about having sex with someone (someone non-specific, other than my partner).  My addiction sometimes moved away from porn, to a couple of affairs in previous relationships, and a handful of times I saw escorts.  I have to guard against those elements, and be honest about those thoughts cropping up.  Porn feels far far away, but that doesn't mean this is done by a long shot.   Addictions have a way of finding the back- and side-doors into our lives.  Those past destructive behaviours have no place in my life now, with this relationship, and I refuse to disrespect my girlfriend with that shit.   Honesty helps, posting here helps. 

Anyway, I hope all is going well out there, and you're all fighting to take your lives back.   Today is day 37, porn-free and coming alive.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal of Jay
« on: August 23, 2019, 11:07:14 AM »
34th day for me too Jay…that's awesome

I think you are seeing the benefits of stay away from that shit.
I read all your progress as many others like Lero, Malando…I learn so much of all of you that you're struggling with this shit and all the problems with came along with like anxiety, social anxiety, depression, shyness, loneliness, emptyness…

We're all going to overcome this.
Congratulations for it man!

Thanks - means to a lot.  Congratulations for where you are at, too.  It can be done.

Ages 20-29 / Re: I am not going back to P
« on: August 23, 2019, 02:14:34 AM »
Day 32

I function better thanks to porn abstinence. My mind works better. I am surprised by the way I speak, how words come out. I conduct myself in a way that is so distant from the unmotivated, aloof, apathetic, lethargic weak guy from a month ago. There are things I like so much about myself right now, how the fuck would I relapse now? Why would I lose this? There is no fucking way. Yesterday was very hard. Today is easier. The hard road has sections with straight, smooth paths and sections with bumps.

It's a beautiful thing to take charge of our minds, to articulate ourselves in the way that makes us feel satisfied and heard.  That's a sure sign of recovery in all addictions.  Emotional states are always temporary, always pass.  Keep going, Lero.  Inspiring as ever, man.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal of Jay
« on: August 23, 2019, 02:06:59 AM »
Today is day 34 without porn.

I had sex with my girlfriend yesterday with no ED medication...this is monumental, as I've never done that with her.  In nearly three years of being with her, I've only had sex with the help of medication...I'll quietly celebrate my return to normality in that department, but posting on here, smiling to myself, and enjoying my last day at full time employment, before I become solely self-employed and finally start working on carving out the life I want - and not the life that is imposed on me by the limitations of porn and sex addiction.

Wishing everyone out there the best in their own fights.  Congratulations on finding your way into recovery.  Keep going, it is so worth it.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal of Jay
« on: August 23, 2019, 01:58:50 AM »
Great performance Jay! I know you can do it and have confidence in you, but be careful to think you are there already. I know from experience that there will be times your overconfident mind will try to lure you back in. Hope this isn’t true for you but a warned man counts as two!

Hey.  Thanks for posting and for the advice.  I am guarding against complacency, because I know it is so dangerous in any addiction.  As soon as you think the problem has disappeared, that's when it sneaks up on us and takes the reins.  I've seen it so many times being around people with various addictions, and I've also lived it with other addictions and bad habits.  Hope it's gong well with you?

Ages 20-29 / Re: I am not going back to P
« on: August 21, 2019, 05:13:50 PM »
Well done for not giving into that craving, man.  Remember, it's just the dopamine, etc...feels like being fucking possessed, but is actually just a temporary neurochemical imbalance!

What else works for you in terms of managing the anxiety?  What have you tried? 

Ages 20-29 / Re: I am not going back to P
« on: August 20, 2019, 05:06:27 PM »
Well said.  I feel your anger - the good and useful kind.  I'm refusing to let the compulsion wreck my life, too.  Choose life, Lero...your resolve and fight reinforce mine.

Thanks, man. I appreciate that. We're in this together. I had to "get mad" at porn, I needed to "hate it" to be disgusted by it in order to be able to walk away from it. The good kind of "anger" and "hate". It made me feel alive and wanting to beat this poison that kept me a mediocre man since high school.

I hear you on all of that.  Completely identify.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal of Jay
« on: August 20, 2019, 05:00:03 PM »
Fucking great, Jay! 1 month without poison (1 month for me too). You got this. When you abstain from porn for a longer period of time you realize that you can actually do it.

Yeh, I believe it now, Lero.  I believe in myself.  I won't underestimate this shit - complacency is the enemy - but I am going to keep working to take back my life.   I'm invested in your recovery, too.  Thanks for the support, means a lot.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trying this again
« on: August 20, 2019, 04:54:34 PM »
Day 21, three weeks no PMO. Strong urges right now I think mostly because of stuff my fiancé did something that she should have asked me about before doing it. Anyway staying strong and not gonna let this stresser cause me to give in. There’s always gonna be something that’s gonna want me to retreat to that so called comfort place but it’s just not a real comfort place. Just makes things worse. Really glad I made it this far....need to build on this.

There's no comfort there, only temporary dissociation, followed by regret and self-loathing.  Play the tape through in your mind, but skip the 'fix' part...go straight to the aftermath, with the shame and disgust and the loss of control, or whatever you feel.

Keep going, you're on the path to recovery

Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal of Jay
« on: August 20, 2019, 04:45:10 PM »
Day 31:

A month without porn...wasn't sure this was possible a very short while ago, but now I know that I can stay free from porn one day at a time.  The days become weeks, become months...but I don't need to worry about the weeks and months, only about today.  Today, I have not viewed porn.  Today I am free of an addiction that has held me vice-like for over two decades.  That should give at least some hope to people starting out today.  This is possible, people, we can recover.

Ages 20-29 / Re: I am not going back to P
« on: August 20, 2019, 04:34:28 PM »
Keep going Lero. You are doing great. I feel no urges for porn and just the urge to have sex or masturbate. Without the p i find it difficult so I guess that is somewhat of a godsend. I have really managed to block the p from my thought process. Could it be I hit rock bottom? Could it be I got so furious that now I hate it and don't want to ever see it again.
Let's see! Because I know from enough failed attempts in the past that the urges and triggers can come at you from nowhere. But keep with the mindset that reality is always better than pixels. I just want that feeling.

I know, man. I had to "train" myself to be disgusted with triggers otherwise they got me. I've trained myself to close the trigger, look away, become disgusted and say: "Ah, no, trigger again? Get the fuck out of my face! I know what you are trying to accomplish here but I am not your client anymore!" And it worked! It's still working. I can't erase porn completely from this world (If I could I would) but I can choose to get away from it (and even when I bump into a trigger accidently, I can choose to get away from it mentally). I can't dry the ocean but I can get out of the water. I could not be disgusted by porn naturally so I had to make myself disgusted. Choose life. Porn and living are complete opposite. Walking around like an aloof, exhausted, unmotivated, weak guy is not my thing anymore.

Well said.  I feel your anger - the good and useful kind.  I'm refusing to let the compulsion wreck my life, too.  Choose life, Lero...your resolve and fight reinforce mine. 

Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal of Jay
« on: August 18, 2019, 04:39:35 PM »
Day 29:

Today was a significant one for me in a quiet way.  I woke up, alone, did a little work, went to the gym...nothing spectacular, BUT when I got out from the gym, I noticed a couple of things: 1. I hadn't spent my session scanning for women to stare at; 2. Despite knowing I had the entire day ahead to myself at home, I didn't come out of gym thinking I might go and get myself a packet of cigarettes and watch porn for hours on end (which would have almost certainly happened in those conditions before I started this process).   Small victories which I have to acknowledge. 

Then, I spent my day working on a project for my business.  I spent several hours doing this on my laptop...and no thought of watching porn.  I had a brief, passing thought about masturbating, but it passed quickly, and I continued with the work.   

The point is, I'm finally experiencing the freedom to spend my time productively, without losing my time to porn and acting out...I'm ending today with a sense of agency, of being the author of my own life...I have ideas, motivation, drive...the compulsion is finally loosening, and the positive consequences are pretty good, I have to say  :)

I'm so grateful for finding my way here.

Ages 20-29 / Re: I am not going back to P
« on: August 17, 2019, 01:14:57 AM »
You seem to me to have great mental strength, Lero.  All those urges, flatlining, struggling, and still you don't give in.  Keep using that stubbornness and determination.  Keep coming in here and posting, keep looking after yourself, and keep your eyes focused on the freedom you are creating for yourself.   Keep going.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal of Jay
« on: August 17, 2019, 01:03:38 AM »
Day 27:  I definitely felt some slight increase in cravings.  I thought, albeit momentarily, about watching porn.  I banished the thoughts from my head pretty quickly, and I know I now have the capacity to do that, rather than obsess about it, and allow the thought to escalate into action. 

Without a doubt, the chaser effect influenced me yesterday.  In addition, I was exhausted.  Thankfully my fairly gruelling work schedule will come to an end next Friday, and I will be posed with some different challenges, including more time alone at home; on the plus side, I will have space to structure my day with some of activities that provide structure, e.g. the gym, mindfulness, catching up with family and friends.  I have at least laid the foundations for a porn free life.  So much to be excited about right now.

Day 28 - So today is four were times when I thought I would never be able to live without watching porn.  I was wrong.  Four weeks without doing so gives me the confidence to know it is completely possible.  If I can do it, anyone can do it. So, for anyone out there trying to do this, believe me when I say that you can.   

I won't get complacent though.  One day at a time, I will go on living without porn.  Today 28 days will be behind me, and I will just concentrate on making sure I don't use porn today.   I have my son here now for a few hours; then I'm with my girlfriend and family.  I won't use porn today, and that's a great feeling.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal of Jay
« on: August 15, 2019, 03:43:33 PM »
Day 25 - porn free.  Orgasm with partner.  Everything is so much more sensitive sexually...I feel like I'm regaining my body and sexuality.  Without a doubt I am now into the longest period of my adult life without porn, and I'm loving not having it in my life...

...Day 26, the morning after being with my partner, I had the dreaded chaser effect...I was tired and had little willpower.  I had no urge to watch porn at all, but I did MO.  I made a point of clearing my head and not thinking of porn, just focusing on the sensation, but I don't like that I felt out of control for a minute.  There was none of the rituals associated with porn, no edging, no smoking, no images, no mentally recalling porn, but I treat it as a behaviour to watch, and I have to be mindful of the potential trigger and slide.  It's a learning curve, and I'm still going.  Porn is not an option.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal of Jay
« on: August 15, 2019, 03:32:31 PM »
25 days is huge, a great milestone.  Keep going, it is worth it!

Thanks for the encouragement - it means a lot.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal of Jay
« on: August 13, 2019, 04:59:25 PM »
24 days without cravings, beyond very mild, fleeting thoughts...

Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal of Jay
« on: August 12, 2019, 04:59:10 PM »
Day 23 and porn-free. 

Life is opening up.

Hope all are out there taking back your lives.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal of Jay
« on: August 12, 2019, 04:55:57 PM »
If you think about it, porn is just a button that we push to get a dopamine hit. It definitely helped me to look at it this way. I don't want porn, I want the dopamine and, unfortunately, only porn knows how to do that cause this is how I trained myself.

Hey.  I completely agree with that.  For me it is one of the most useful insights I've gained during this process.   It's dismantled porn for me, reduced it from this domineering monster in my life to a mere source of dopamine.   

Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal of Jay
« on: August 11, 2019, 05:30:27 PM »
Day 22.

Urges to watch porn are minimal, ad I'm grateful for the lack of severe cravings.  Porn seems a bit small and pathetic at this point, when it has previous seemed so big as to eclipse my life and everything important in it.  I think something has clicked this time, and the moment has come for porn not to be an option.  It's complacency I need to guard against, because I know how much of a stranglehold porn has had on me...except, I kind of realise that it was really only neurochemicals, dopamine, etc. that built up porn into some great edifice or institution.  Porn is not that at all, and it does not have a hold on me.  I am readdressing the balance in my brain, and will keep working on the behaviours that might push me back closer to porn.

I'm grateful for all of you out there fighting back.  Keep going. 

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