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Messages - squid

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1
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: October 14, 2020, 07:51:00 AM »
How's it going blue?  Any good recipes made recently?

2
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: October 09, 2020, 12:56:24 AM »
Great to have you back, proud of you.  Falling down and getting up is exhausting and frustrating but the getting up is the progress.  Welcome back!

3
Ages 20-29 / Re: Kraken's journal
« on: October 09, 2020, 12:54:12 AM »
Great to see you back Blue! 

4
Ages 20-29 / Re: My journal towards freedom
« on: October 01, 2020, 08:03:36 AM »
Sounds like it's going well Sanders!  I caught up on your journal and a few things were very relatable to me.  I also got laid off, and it os really tough.  I recommend you make a schedule and make a big effort to stay connected to friends and family and not be embarrassed.  Getting laid off is happening to everyone and isn't your fault.

The other thing is how you mentioned that the lying was worse than the actual activity of porn.  That's an important breakthrough.  Trust os important and you are rebuilding it.  I think you should not feel bad about your wife being made and the blocker randomly breaking because you didn't break trust.  But it's good you are understanding of her feelings.  Hopefully she starts to believe that you didn't turn it off and take advantage of that.

In my previous relationship I didn't tell the girl about my porn problem.  It was a young relationship so it didn't really progress enough for me to say anything about it.  Also telling someone is hard.  For my current relationship, I was upfront about it and I let her know when I'm having trouble with it.  That was tough to do but has been very beneficial.

squid

5
Ages 20-29 / Re: Kraken's journal
« on: October 01, 2020, 07:53:44 AM »
Started a light workout program in the morning.  And last night I decided to get to sleep earlier and I feel soooo much better.  Getting to sleep before midnight and getting some exercise most days makes a big difference.  Also I'm rescuing a kitten this week!  Very excited to have some new life in the house.

squid

6
Ages 20-29 / Re: Kraken's journal
« on: September 23, 2020, 11:48:40 AM »
Things have been really good.  As you know, my main goal was getting a job.  I put a lot more effort in the past month and went through three rounds of interviews for a position I was excited about.  It was a contract position but had a good chance of becoming permanent.  I finally got a job!  I got the offer letter and accepted, signed it, and my acceptance was received.  I told my friends abd family and celebrated and I was so happy that my job search was over for now.  Funny story, about a week after I accepted the offer and a week before I was supposed to start, I got a phone call from my headhunter who represented me in this contract.  She told me the bad news.  The job fell through, the budget for my position and two others starting with me was taken away by higher ups in the company.

What a mindfuck that was.  Crushing disappointment.  It's one thing to deal with the constant rejection of the job search but it's another level to be lied to and have the rug pulled out.  My girlfriend was very supportive to me during the few days after.  She's been amazing, I feel like we were made for each other.  I'm on a trip now visiting her family.  It's been nice to reset and recharge.  Next week I'll get back to the search.

I'm sitting on a beach watching the waves and I had a thought.  All it would take for me to feel like I was in control and making progress on the job search and my fitness is less than two hours a day.  I could spend more time ues but just two hours of focus every day would make a big difference.  That's not so bad.

I haven't had any porn temptations or dreams in a long while, probably a few months.  Feels good.  My love life is a huge source of happiness to me.  Choosing to leave porn behind and to start dating has been the greatest decision I ever made.  It was difficult, it took me over ten years to figure it out.  But I never stopped.  I knew I wanted love and support and a life partner and that porn was getting in the way.  I was right, real life is much better.   You deserve love my friends, keep putting yourself out there and take someone on a date.  Make them feel special :).

Sending love from the coast,

Squid

7
Ages 20-29 / Re: Kraken's journal
« on: August 08, 2020, 03:44:51 PM »
Cracking the habit loop:

The loop is always the same.  So I will plan for it.  Find it's weaknesses and build new habits.  I have no outside schedule, so it's been extremely challenging to be disciplined.

1. Stay up late around 1-4 am and wake up late between 10 and 3pm
2. Starting each day like I think it's going to be the same as yesterday.  Getting some quick food and sitting down to play some solo games.  I think to myself that I'll only play a few but I set no timer and don't really mean that thought.
3.  Play all day with only one or two breaks for food and bathroom.
4. Feel bad about not living up to my values
5. Think about and stress about the habit loop in my mind a lot.  This creates feelings of depression and great distress.

1.  I think I can make headway by setting a bedtime of midnight and waking up at 9.

2.  I need to set timers and control my playtime.  That might be a break or time restricted.  I want to play with friends.  When I binge and wig out playing games all day, I'm not having fun.  Games should be fun.

3.  Most importantly, I need to think about and plan and do things that are of the highest value to me.  Getting a job is # 1 then comes fitness :)

4.  Stay loose, stay happy, be flexible.  My life is still awesome and I have so many great things going for me.  Life is tough, I just need to be a little more disciplined like I have been in the past and my mood will improve.  Thinking never changes emotions.  Actions do that.  Let's go get it!

squid

8
Ages 20-29 / Re: Kraken's journal
« on: August 08, 2020, 03:34:23 PM »
Hey walker!  Glad to hear it. 

Unfortunately, I did some light pmo yesterday and today.  I'm feeling very weak and am having trouble with the simplist discipline.  I went away for a camping trip and that really recharged me but then when I came back I participated in the same habits of gaming all day then getting triggered.  Very disappointing for sure.

This has been a rough period of quarentine, not being able to see friends for most of the year and being jobless all year.  Definitely hurts the self esteem and is hard on my mind. 

That being said, my year pmo free was amazing, I'm in love and learned so much about myself.  I've been incredibly happy. 

So back on the horse!  Let's turn some stopping stones into stepping stones.

Squid

9
Ages 20-29 / Re: Kraken's journal
« on: August 03, 2020, 02:12:46 AM »
m'd today to a youtube video.  I'd just come back from visiting my family.  I played some overwatch with my friend and some other ges for the first time in a week and then we said goodbye around 11:30  and it was good.  But I stayed up until 3 playing by myself and felt kind of weird and wired and I got triggered by having to go to the bathroom and then looked up a light youtube video.  I debated in my head a while before m'ing.  But at the end of the day, it was late, I was tired and I just did it.  Sometimes it just sneaks up.  I feel like it was a purposeful self sabotage.  I am just starting to see some success in my projects and I think the success scares me.

I don't consider this pmo.  But it could certainly lead there.  I will say though it was even less intense than my slip a few months ago.  This time, it was a fully clothed video.  So that's good I guess.

But self sabotaging is not the answer.  My response is to be more passionate and lean in more and to make better art.

squid

10
Ages 20-29 / Re: Kraken's journal
« on: July 30, 2020, 10:29:03 AM »
Hi squid,

Just spent the last hour going through your journal. It was the most enjoyable thing I have read in a long time. The ups and downs, I was rooting for you. And when you got your girlfriend and the way you expressed happiness, all I can say is I hope at the end of my journey I can have that kind of relationship. I'm 35 days in.

Thanks for writing all this. It is comforting.

Hey Hopeful!

Thanks for the kind words, it's been a journey for sure but I'm so glad I went through it.  And very glad I was well on my way before I even met my girlfriend.  I never wanted to be in the situation where a gf finds out about an out of control habit like pmo that I was keeping secret. 

As you complete your reboot and become pmo free and also take those skills into other parts of your life.  As you decide what you do and don't want in your life and use discipline to achieve your goals, you will become an incredibly attractive person.  Because you'll become powerful and rare.  It's a hard journey but a valuable one for sure.

I'd say around the 70-90 day mark is a good time to start going on some dates if you are feeling good and non flatlining.  It took me months of a lot of first and second dates before I found my gf.  Be selective.  Best of luck!

11
The way you're feeling is normal.  Just give the process a few more months.  Your brain is going through a lot of changes right now.

12
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zero to Hero
« on: July 30, 2020, 10:16:28 AM »
That's a neat idea!  But also, you could do some camping or backpacking.  I feel that an activity that you make that you control to create a good environment for your recovery is maybe a little more powerful than where someone else is preventing you from having the tools for porn.  Just a thought.  Both are good ideas though I think.

13
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zero to Hero
« on: July 29, 2020, 10:13:46 AM »
You're making progress dude.  Progress is never perfect, keep moving forward.  I thought it was interesting that a long trip away inspired you to keep pmo free like it did me.  Post a ton of walls of text, no problem.  Posting a lot on the beginning of a reboot is a fantastic tool.

14
Ages 20-29 / Re: Kraken's journal
« on: July 29, 2020, 10:08:18 AM »
I've also been going to bed earlier and getting more sleep the past two days.  That's been super helpful.  I feel supercharged for the next day when well rested.   I've been using 3mg of melotonin to help me reset and it works great!

15
Ages 20-29 / Re: My journal towards freedom
« on: July 29, 2020, 10:06:36 AM »
Good reflection!  I'd say that's pretty normal during the first 100 days of a reboot.  But also, it could be that the activities you are enjoying you might not enjoy anymore.  You might be thinking you should enjoy them because that's what expected but maybe they no longer jive with you.  That's fine too.  Do what you love, let what the world thinks be damned.

16
Ages 20-29 / Re: Journal
« on: July 28, 2020, 09:49:23 PM »
hey walker!  Like most people on this site, I've been where you are rebounding every couple days or weeks for years.  The thing that really got me some progress in 2018 was when I thru hiked a long distance trail for 6 months living on the trail.  That showed me that a porn free life made me feel good.  Once I returned the stress of daily life brought me back to porn on and off for a year.

I found success by deciding I wanted to be porn free and take all the emotions I was hiding in porn and turn them into love for a girlfriend.  I knew from experience that I'd need a few months of recovery in order to feel comfortable dating. 

So that was my goal.  I posted on my journal every day.  I listened to a lot of zig ziglar, brain tracy, and seth godin audiobooks.  They are positive, have good info and give hope.

I started volunteering again.  That's a super effective way to combat porn.  Give your time to help other people.  Lots of options, I help advise a college club, and help disabled persons with sporting activities.

I started taking my hobbies more seriously.  I got involved with running and learning Korean through an online tutor.

And after about five months and a few months of dating, I found my girlfriend who is a perfect fit for me.  Now all those feelings and emotions and love have a place to go, and they make her happy and make me happy.  It's been a year and a month pmo free and it's 1000% worth it.  Now I don't get triggered very often and when I do they are very week.  Maybe once a month now.  Before it was many times a day.

Porn is just a habit that makes you feel comfortable when stressed.  Find some new habits, take it slow, be kind to yourself and journal here every day.

You can do it,

Squid 



17
Ages 20-29 / Re: Kraken's journal
« on: July 28, 2020, 09:28:42 PM »
Thanks ice!  Yeah I'm learning that my problem with binging gaming/solo digital entertainment is not so much in the activity itself but in how it keeps me distracted from things that matter to me.  I uninstalled the game that gets me the most often and today was my first day not playing.

Because I had that time, my day was amazing.  I had space in my brain to think and I came up with some fun things.  I did my ten minute walk and that turned into a walk to the grocery store.  My girlfriend saw I was up and we chatted on the phone while I was shopping which was fun.  I did a bunch of work on my blog and on job applications.  I did a kettlebell workout plus some pt and core exercises, listened to some of an audiobook, did some scrapbooking, talked to two family members on the phone, and went shopping again for some things the other store didn't have. 

Haha what a great day!  And it wasn't overwhelming, I took it one step at a time.  I made a small list but was flexible about it and got it all done.

Conclusion: by not automatically following this old habit of gaming my mind and my time were freed up to make different choices.  Choices that actually fit with who I am now way better than the old gaming habit I've had since middle school.  I feel great. 

squid

18
Ages 20-29 / Re: My journal towards freedom
« on: July 27, 2020, 04:54:06 PM »
80 days is awesome, keep it up!  I feel like I'm in my head a lot too.  It goes away when I'm around people or when I'm doing something I'm proud of.

19
Ages 20-29 / Re: Kraken's journal
« on: July 27, 2020, 04:52:53 PM »
Been struggling again with binging videogames and feeling depressed when I'm alone.  It's been a reoccurring theme that playing all day makes me feel terrible and makes it hard to do the things I need to do.  In other words, I feel like I've grown out of playing games in that way and it no longer fits with who I am inside.

I've tried a few times before to stop this habit or to do less of it, but it hasn't stuck yet.  I'm taking a new approach this time.

My plan is to replace the gaming with some new habits and not deviate from them for 21 days.

Each morning I will go for a walk down the hill near my house before I do anything else.  The walk only takes 10 minutes but I can go longer if I feel up to it.

That's it for this week's new habit.  We'll see how it goes.

squid

20
Ages 20-29 / Re: My journal towards freedom
« on: July 18, 2020, 02:37:09 AM »
Focus on the positives, you're absolutely right!  Hope you have a great weekend.

21
Ages 20-29 / Re: Kraken's journal
« on: July 18, 2020, 02:33:31 AM »
Going well, hope everyone else is well too.  Feeling grateful.  The opposite of p is connection and gratitude.

22
Ages 20-29 / Re: My journal towards freedom
« on: July 13, 2020, 11:29:28 PM »
Hey Sanders hope it's going well.  Recently saw that the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Rothesburger came out as having been addicted to porn.  I thought that was interesting, the biggest profile person I've heard talk about it.

23
Ages 20-29 / Re: Kraken's journal
« on: July 12, 2020, 05:58:55 PM »
I'm having a great weekend.  I've been feeling weirdly super tired so I think I'm fighting off an illness but I've spent a bunch of good time with my gf, running, and studying.  Hope everyone else is doing well too.  This next week I want to focus more on applying to jobs.

squid

24
Ages 20-29 / Re: Kraken's journal
« on: July 09, 2020, 02:57:13 PM »
Hey Sanders absolutely!  A year ago I had only had one sexual experience and it didn't go very well.  I had difficulty getting and staying hard and I was single.  I had my goals of running and learning Korean but wasn't making much progress.  Today things have dramatically improved in all areas.  I am running further than I ever have, and I am studying more consistently than ever before.  The biggest difference though has been in my love life.

I was pmo free for about four months when I met my girlfriend.  Before becoming pmo free, I didn't have the energy or presence of mind to date well or to be in a relationship.  Becoming pmo free also makes you very attractive too because most women don't like porn either.

I guess the biggest benefit is peace of mind.  Of living in a way that I feel is right.  My character is stronger, I sleep way better.  I'm more fit, and I'm much more pleasant to be around.

Stay free my friends,

squid

25
Ages 20-29 / Re: Kraken's journal
« on: July 08, 2020, 09:24:30 PM »
Happy one year anniversary of no pmo to me!  It's been super solid except for one slip up to stills a month ago.  But I'm proud of not letting that get me off track.  Celebrated with my girlfriend and told her about the slip up last week.  She's very happy for me and we are very happy together.  It's been a good year.

Squid

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