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Messages - PixleJunkie

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Ages 20-29 / Trail 2: Educated Experimentation
« on: March 28, 2019, 01:14:31 AM »

Journal Entry: 1
Time Without Porn: 3 days!

I totally get that people are not super interested in who I am as a person, my life, or a story of me. What I'll use this journal for is to provide some relatability for others, but mostly document my experiences through this SECOND reboot. Yes, SECOND reboot.

Some quick facts about me:
Age - 25
Sex - Male
Height - 5'10
Weight - 249lbs.
Sexual Orientation - Heterosexual
Occupation - Healthcare professional/college student
Relationship Status: Exclusive Dating

Previously, in the beginning of 2014, I had experienced a rather emotional breakup, beginning a 4th semester of community college, I had been a rather out of shape and a nonathletic 260 pounds, and using porn daily. At the time I was 19 years old & oblivious of my addiction to porn. I had used porn since I was about 12 with magazines & VHS tapes but only got away with it when I was home alone/special occasions, then got my first laptop at about 14 & would use higher speeds of variety such as viewing/scrolling/video/picture porn content with higher frequency. However, my life was forever changed with my first iPhone. I believe I was 16 when my friends introduced to me that porn videos were available for free online & accessible through the phone. I was hooked! I figured "Great! now I can relieve stress, never have to worry about losing my virginity at a young age, and I can 'study' how to be great in bed". Oh, if I would just go back into time and talk to myself. Who knows maybe I could've been a doctor by now. Lost my virginity when I was 18, even then I had P.I.E.D. (trouble getting an erection/ejaculation without full erection) but of course I didn't know that was a problem, just told myself that I was nervous. Later, I had a more serious girlfriend. We had intercourse on the regular, but I was still using porn & I continued to struggle with performance issues.

It was after the falling out with that last girlfriend that I began to (unknowingly) start my journey to quit my porn addiction. I got a job, joined a Crossfit community, and began to pick up my guitar. In Jan.-Feb. of 2014 I began those 3 little changes & became comfortable with those changes. I remember being so depressed, still using porn aggressively as I developed some strange interest to more extreme categories, angry with my life, sad that I wasn't who I wanted to be, poor social network, & lacked the social skills that I knew I was capable of. During Mar. of 2014 I decided to quit porn for the Catholic lenten season. I remember altering my room, continuing with my workouts, getting busier at work, & practicing my guitar more. Then I added more efforts into my school work, forced myself into more social settings, reconnected with friends. With a combination of those factors I really showed signs of improvement & accomplished 40 days without porn!

Some things that I noticed after 60 days was being able to lose weight at a steady, healthy, & easier pace. My cravings & control for food improved. My sleep pattern regulated. I was having days of clear mindedness with feeling more fulfilled & motivated.  Also, I had bad days willed with depression, anxiousness, and especially no desire to be sexually active. However, during the Summer of 2014 (~60-90 days), I made out with a hand full of women, I was getting hit on & returning the favor, initiated load of flirtatious conversations, even dated a bit. Then late that summer I had sex during my first ever one night. I lasted ~2-3 rounds. It was awesome, but I had this feeling that it could've been better. I felt small and not completely satisfied. I thought I would've enjoyed it more because it was with some one I've always thought to be sexually attracted to. Then ~120-150 days in I entered the dreaded flatline. Of course I didn't know what that was. I mean, I had no knowledge of P.I.E.D. and the horrific withdrawals. I was in the best shape of my life during that time. I was athletic as fuck, weighed an all time low of 210, created so many P.R.'s in my weightlifting, all the "super powers" that comes with quitting porn. HOWEVER, the flatline caused me to embarrass myself TWICE with 2 very attractive girls. Literally, no penis activity even with a beautiful naked woman all over me. Then the light at the tunnel was cracking through the wall.

~180 days, ~90 days of in the flatline, I had a fantastic sexual experience ( another one night stand) with a girl I've always wanted since high school. After that, I got into a VERY long and VERY serious relationship to start the year 2015. This girl was who I thought would be my wife (spoiler it ended bad). At that time our sex life was fan-fucking-tasitc. Nothing like I've ever experienced during that time. During, the beginning of our relationship I revisited porn now and then but didn't get too deep into it. Until we started having more toxic problems. My porn use got  progressively worse with all the emotional stress of having a struggling relationship, more intense school/work schedule. Fast forward to 2018. I'm having regular "okayish" sex, AGAIN using porn daily, back to 260 pounds, & on/off relationship with exercise. I didn't even make it a year without porn. Now, It's 2019, I've had 4 failed sexual experiences with 4 very sexual & beautiful women due to P.I.E.D. (Arousal to HighSpeed Porn and difficult/no arousal to a fully nude physical woman). That is why I've decided to educate myself by listening to the audiobook "Your Brain On Porn" by Gary A. Wilson.

WHAT A FUCKING BOOK. Here's to round 2, a well educated, aware, knowledgable, prepared & excited round 2.

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