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Messages - deminounrae

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« on: September 16, 2020, 04:08:25 AM »
I'm back in the forum after a long long time.
Things are not going great.
While I was in quarantine I almost fell into depression, I had everything but I wasn't able to do the thing I really wanted, I had no joy doing anything and I PMO'd a lot of times, doing it just made me sad but I couldn't stop. It was never a binge watch, maybe it was just once per week. I was able to see my GF very often and I didn't have any sexual disfunction. It was just the mind not being in the right place. I also became a bit more evil, I was easily getting really upset about things and I had bad thoughts towards people. Then I finally managed to get back on track. I went to another city to pursue my dream of becoming a pro wrestler and even if I was a bit sad of leaving my GF and my friends again I was more happy about going back to do the things I loved.
Now I live in a house with another guy but PMO is still something I want to get rid off. My biggest fear is to for the lack of sensitivity during sex to come back again. I will go back home for a few days in two weeks and I'm trying to live porn free but it's really really hard.
I'm keeping track of progress and for now the best I did was 4 days straight. Not great right?
I'm trying to get to 5 days. What I think i'm doing wrong is that I conceded myself to MO but that really leads me into the chaser effect. I experimented with this, but I think that the only way that works for me is going no P no M no O for at least a week.
The first time I tried to go P free I didn't touch myself in 10 days and then had sex on the 11th. I didn't go back to old habits for 62 days, the greatest period of my sexual life, I have to be honest. I managed to do that after almost 8 years of PMO everyday, even multiple times. Now I can't go on for more than 4. The thing that makes me mad about all is that I talked to my GF again, telling her that I 'm reverting to this bad habit and I'm trying to break free, she was very comprehensive, but still I relapsed.
The matter is that I don't have much to do because I'm still searching for a job so I have tons of free time, I think that the whole situation can be resolved if I find a way to invest this free time. I figured out that 80% of the time I browse P because I don't have anything else to do, not much because I crave it.
I will journal my days again to keep myself on track.

I want to get rid of P usage.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« on: June 06, 2020, 08:52:18 AM »
If I fell so many times back into it, then it is the right thing to do. If it wasn't such a problem I could just get rid of it like nothing, but it's not, it's difficult and it's a physical urge I feel. So with this little reminder for myself I want to say

Do it, keep pushing

Ages 20-29 / Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« on: May 31, 2020, 08:47:24 AM »
I'm continuing to fall into relapses, but now I can most definitely say that I know what times and in what circumstances I am the most vulnerable.
I want to make this statement: I will not watch P from now on

I'm putting my willpower into it, because I didn't do it in the last 2 months

I can do it
I will do it

Ages 20-29 / Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« on: May 23, 2020, 07:47:55 AM »
This is not the first time I write here but I needed to talk to someone. Covid has actually brought me back home so now I can stay with my GF , we don't live together but we see each other multiple times in a week.
I'm having an amazing time with her both emotionally and sexually BUT I still can't get rid of the addiction, going past a week is so very difficult when day 7 hits I just can't resist. Usually in the weekend we can't see each other and there is were I almost always fall. I'm trying to think at doing something else when I feel the urge but I struggle so much in putting these things to practice (these things are : finishing a book, write stories, prepare stuff for my DnD or workout).
Today I was in the situation where it just hit me , I was home alone, after my GF said to me at the last minute that we couldn't meet each other (not by her fault) and I just relapsed, I tried to fight it but I just.... couldn't
After it I felt so bad , I felt so sad deep inside...
Two days ago I tried to spread awareness on P addiction to some of my friends and I wanted to be a good example, but I just couldn't....

I'm sorry I had to write this, I hope that someone reads it, I would really need some motivation right now. I don't know if talking to my GF would fix it...

With that said, I'm not going to give up, I have made a promess and I am going to respect it , I will be free

Ages 20-29 / Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« on: February 20, 2020, 07:49:10 AM »
Day 5

Today I've passed a job interview! I was so happy that i've stayed outside all day. Didn't exercised today but I've watched a fil I have always adored as a kid after dinner. before going to bed I had massive cravings and almost fell. I managed to switch off my pc before doing something stupid but I was too horny and I MO'd before sleeping. I did responsibly and thinking just about feelings. THe strange fact is that I really struggled sleeping I was drowning in ideas and stuff. Luckily no P thoughts or something like that...

I got through another day I am happy

Ages 20-29 / Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« on: February 19, 2020, 06:36:28 AM »
Day 4

This was a difficult day. I had to stay home until training so I watched something really long and interesting and then I played some non trigger videogames and read a book. I went to training came back home had dinner and I went to sleep. I managed to get through the day even if the cravings were very strong in the afternoon.
It seemed impossible to me 1 week ago

I noticed that I don't have cravings for an O I have cravings for watching P and that is a bit disturbing.
Also MW are not showing up.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« on: February 18, 2020, 11:38:20 AM »
Day 3

I played smart, since I know my cravings come after lunch. I stayed home being as productive as possible in the morning and went out to do the groceries in the afternoon, after that I went straight to training, then dinner then bed. I had thoughts before going out but that's about it. I managed to get through 3 days! I still haven't MO'd we'll see what tomorrow brings

Ages 20-29 / Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« on: February 17, 2020, 06:31:07 AM »
Day 2

Today I woke up and phoned home, first my mom then my girlfriend. I wasn't triggered by my girlfriend (sometimes has happened) because we talked about serious stuff. After lunch I went to the gym and probably if I didn't I would have just relapsed. Stupid music videos at the gym got me triggered a bit but, since I was in a public place nothing could happen. I went home had dinner and straight away managed to play DnD via Skype with some friends. Again I think that distracted my mind from cravings. After that I pratically went straight to sleep cause I was too tired from the gym. I am meditating to do hard mode or not. I know myself and staying too much time without MO doesn't work well for me, so I'll just go by feeling. I managed to do two days, I'm happy for that

Ages 20-29 / Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« on: February 17, 2020, 06:24:54 AM »
Day 1

One very busy day. I helped with a wrestling event so I woke up and went. I wasn-t home until 11 PM so I ate something and went to sleep. I had no time to have cravings.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« on: February 14, 2020, 08:06:35 PM »
A long long time has passed and I am in deep shit.
I fell again but this time I am really hooked, more than I ever was. I'm trying everyday to quit but the best streak I have now is 1 day. This has happened already 20 times, 20 times I said I quit, 20 times I was back.
I moved alone in another state, I currently have no job so most of the days I'm just in my room and the temptation is there.
I failed the touch test.
The bad part is that life is going very good, except for the job part but that is just a momentary thing, all the things that I think are more important for me right now are going great. So why don't I just get rigged of this addiction?

I am making a statement to anyone who wants to read.
I am rebooting again.
I have to, before it's too late.

I had some really important people in my life telling me: you fall 100 times you get up 101

I will get up

It will be very difficult, much more than it was the first time, but I can do it.

Ages 20-29 / 21 I am very confused and need to talk
« on: December 17, 2019, 12:36:24 PM »

I'm writing this here because I need to talk to someone. I already had a journal here called Do or Don't. There's no try.
In brief I was watching porn since I was 13, ended up with my first girlfriend at 20. We had some bad sex because of my DE. I stopped watching porn and after just 11 days I was healed. After 1 month I felt like a machine. At day 62 I relapsed and fell into a sort of limbo of relapsing and staying away. The summer started and I was still messing up with P. I knew that by half August I would have gone living by myself in another country. I had an intercourse where it was obvious that my DE was returning so I spoke to my girlfriend, she said that it wasn't really my fault because how could I know that the DE could remerge so quickly? I looked in her eyes and promised to keep the hell away from that stuff. I did an hard mode reboot, aided by the fact that I couldn't see her for 5 days straight and I was back to normal. I didn't watched any P for the whole summer.


I went living alone in another country to follow my dream of becoming a pro wrestler.
Me and my girlfriend decided to stay together.
It didn't took long for me to relapse and from then on it became a fight against myself. For a long period of time I was unoccupied and I relapsed. The fact is that everytime I felt really bad, knowing that I'm breaking a promess and harming myself in the process.
On first I watched P because I missed having sex. Then to cope on loneliness of staying away from everyone I loved, I was slowly making friends but I felt really really bad. I even got to a very very low point. I kicked out of there by watching some videos and receiving some genuine love from my girlfriend over the phone. I turned the tables on life BUT I was still struggling with staying away from P. couldn't keep a very long streak, with longest being 11 days.
After 2 months that I was away I came back home for 3 days. I obviously met my girlfriend and it was strange. She didn't notice any difference I felt like I was a bit desinsityzed but not that much.
When I came back living alone I really really desired to stay away from P. But I couldn't and I can't. There's just something that drags me in and I don't know how to fight it. I kept a journal just for me. In that journal on one day I wrote: " I admire myself because I am still trying". One day I said , ok I'm giving up the reboot for 5 days I want to know how it feels like, after just half of the first day I was nauseous, saying that P was so bad that I couldn't even appreciate it.
Now on 3 days time I'm going back home for 2 weeks. I will see my girlfriend on the first day so I will know what kind of 2 weeks are ahead of me.

The things is though, that even if I still slipped or relapsed in these past weeks I feel like my body has no harm. I can pass the touch test, I have MW and I feel I am sensitive like I was back when I was rebooting properly.
So my mind is just very confused.

I know that porn is harmful, I know that I should stay away but I'm just sucked in. I want to stop before problems resurface but my gratest issue is that I'm basically having real sex every 2 or 3 months and I think that is the reason that just fucks up my head a lot.

I would really apprecciate some support, because I am bit lost on all of this.
An example is this: I have a piece of paper that I have shaped like a calendar to countdown the last 12 days before going back, I've put a check on the days I didn't PMO and a cross on the one I did.

It's been 10 days now and it looks like this: V-V-X-X-V-X-X-V-V-X

What the fuck is going on? I can't figure it out

Ages 20-29 / Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« on: July 10, 2019, 04:33:21 PM »
I'm on day 9

Two days ago I had a super strong temptation, I almost fell. I had to MO to calm down. Now I'm back to normal. I try to keep super busy cause it works. I almost fell again but I didn't.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« on: July 04, 2019, 10:28:56 AM »
Just to say that everything is fine and porn is the last thing I'm thinking of right now.

It's 4 days now

Ages 20-29 / Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« on: July 01, 2019, 05:27:42 AM »
Thank you so much.

You almost made me cry... I think that now I have the motivations I needed

Ages 20-29 / Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« on: June 30, 2019, 06:38:54 PM »

I hope things are going well for you because for me they are not. I slipped once 3 days ago and today again twice.
It's strange, the first slip was almost called for. Hundreds of things that accumulated to the point where I PMO'd. Today itnwas just that I needed a release valve and I fell back into temptation again. I know it's not the end of the world but I am a little sick of this back and forth condition I'm in.

When I rebooted the first time I was super motivated and I lasted all those days until I played with fire and got burned.

From that day on I'm doing this Porn free life but I'm not that motivated because I still feel healthy, but I know that porn is bad. So this lack of strong motivations keeps me in this sort of limbo. In 2 days time I'll be free from all duties and so will be my girl, so I think I'll be porn free for quite a while. Only time will tell. Sorry if I've let someone down

Ages 20-29 / Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« on: June 24, 2019, 01:33:01 AM »
Day 14

These 3 days have passed well, I was super busy. On day 13 I decided to MO because I wanted to and something in my mind told me to watch porn. I didn't do it and I ended the right way. Now I know that my brain is still associating masturbation to porn. The simple way out will be no M for a while.
I was wondering how can a thing like P fuck you up so much. I personally have been desensitized by it. I recovered from that condition. Fell into it again just for two weeks and two weeks was enough to lose the MWs and having some trouble finishing again. Now that I'm back on track I'm feeling way better, but knowing that I have pathways in my brain is a little scary. I remember what it was like falling into it again... It started has a slip, I have watched some videos that said a slip is not a total relapse, if you're not bingeing you're ok just be careful. I have to say I wasn't feeling guilty, I was alright. Then the day after I was there again and just like that I knew I was hooked. In that moments I was like a spectator I knew it wasn't right but I did it. I lost a lot of my self-esteem in the process. I was proud of my streak and I had it broken in two days. I continued going back and forth not being able to stay away from it. Then, just like the first time, it was my girl who saved me. We had sex on her return and I knew that I wasn't sensitive as I was, that wasn't the erection I had before breaking the streak of no P.
So here I am doing it again because I want to be healty and be free from any addiction. I had to get it off my chest

Ages 20-29 / Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« on: June 21, 2019, 08:27:18 AM »
Day 10-11

I had sex on day 10, which was until then a very boring day. I'm feeling way more comfortable now and I had plenty of fun doing it. I went to bed at 3 AM because of it and the day after (day 11) I was just like a Zombie all day ahahah (nobody ever laughs in this journals, I hope I will be the first of many). So the day went by between naps , work and a long, almost devastating, training in the late afternoon. I just collapsed in the bed. So no. No PMO

Ages 20-29 / Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« on: June 19, 2019, 07:41:47 AM »
Every good step is a step forward. Don't think about it like: "Fuck, man! Those urges are killing me!" Think about it like: "I' just passed a round of urges. I can do this. I'll give myself a high five." You see what I'm saying? It's focusing on how hard the urges are vs focusing on the fact that you pass them.

Wow that's a great new point of view. Thanks man!

Day 9

As I'm writing this I'm figuring out that 9 days are great!
I had a full , almost all fun day. I woke up in the morning (with a MW) , went training, I had sex and then jumped to work, after work I went to the cinema with my friends and then I went to bed. Before sleeping I usually had cravings of porn if had the cellphone in hand, but yesterday I just watched some comedic skits and that was it. I'm beginning to have the hard erections I had before slipping and it's great.

To Lero: yes I'm good now and sex is incredibly great but I have to keep the guard up, that's why I'm keeping the journal

Ages 20-29 / Re: The final countdown
« on: June 18, 2019, 07:53:05 AM »

8th day. Yesterday I had problem with erection and wasn't able to have sex with my gf. It's really annoying during a reboot because when I PMO it never happens. Should not it be reversly? Nevermind. I'm in a good mood and keep going :D

Good job man, don't think about it. This is a stiff shot but time will heal everything, and when the time will be right it will be so much satisfying. Keep going strong.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« on: June 18, 2019, 07:42:07 AM »
Day 8

I was tempted but I resisted. I ended up MO'ing in the afternoon, but I used no P and no fantasies at all. I accept that, for me there's nothing wrong, I just need to stay vigilant. The rest of the day went by, in the evening I was tempted again of watching P but I didn't so I'm ok.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« on: June 17, 2019, 12:54:30 AM »
Day 7

I spent the entire day at a cosplay fair. I was in a stand with some friends and I saw a lot of things. Again, some girls make me horny, but my mind doesn't fly around porn and in reality I don't have fantasies, it's just a stimuli. When everything ended and I went to bed, for not even a second I thought of PMO even if I had some sex thoughts but mostly about my girl

Ages 20-29 / Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« on: June 17, 2019, 12:37:43 AM »
Day 6

Sex has changed a bit, I'm not more sensitive but erections are stronger. I went to the sea and I can say that some girls are difficult to watch without getting a little horny, but when I see them I don't have any porn fantasy in mind or urges to PMO which I think it's good. In the evening I went to a party and although there were alcohol and girls, the moment I went to bed the last thing I thought was P. I see this as a step forward

Ages 20-29 / Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« on: June 14, 2019, 06:53:56 AM »
Day 5

As I said, I didn't even think about doing PMO last night.
Today I woke up ten minutes before the alarm with MW. I talk about it because for me it's an indication that things are going fine. Before rebooting I very rarely had one. Having it almost every morning is a relief, for me is the proof that I'm healthy.
Then I went training I had lunch and now I'm at work. Tonight I'm going to something that we can call "a party in the woods". So there's no chance for any P.

Tomorrow I'll have sex and I'm curious if in these 2 days something has changed

Ages 20-29 / Re: Nightmare begins responsibility!
« on: June 14, 2019, 06:36:46 AM »
One guy on my journal BluHeron (if I remember correctly) said to me something that changed my way of seeing the whole rebooting thing. Take it one day at a time. Today it's day 1. Focus on this day, don't think of what you'll be doing tomorrow. This has really helped me a lot. Also take a look at your lifestyle and try do positive things that makes you feel good. You can do it!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.
« on: June 13, 2019, 12:26:37 PM »
Day 4

The second half of day 3 was fun. I hung out with my friends and my girl. I drank some alcohol in the evening and then went straight to bed. No little voices, no urges nothing.
Today I woke up with a strong MW and I had to sit down and wait for it to pass before going to the bathroom :D.
Rest of the day I was at work, in a few hours I'll go play football with friends. I don't think I'll even have the energy to think at PMO.

One day at a time

Thank you Dusty. I won't disappoint you

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