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Messages - blueRaccoon

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1
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 21, 2019, 07:15:31 AM »
DAY #27

RELAPSE.

2
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 21, 2019, 07:14:48 AM »
Thank you guys.

3
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 20, 2019, 06:50:50 AM »
DAY #26

2nd clean day.

It's my birthday today. My parents came to the house, the entire day is going to be spent with them. I talked to a lot of my friends, gonna celebrate the evening with family. Nothing else. Tomorrow's a new day, looking forward to it.

4
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: February 20, 2019, 06:46:11 AM »
Stay strong brother, we have to get rid of this addiction.

5
Ages 20-29 / Re: Age 29, seen it all and still confused.
« on: February 19, 2019, 08:42:06 AM »
Congrats man, happy to see you succeed.  ;D

6
Ages 20-29 / Re: I need to change.
« on: February 19, 2019, 08:37:32 AM »
Happy to help brother. Stay strong, stay clean and we'll win.

7
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 19, 2019, 08:26:24 AM »
DAY #25

1st clean day

Didn't do much today. Woke up a bit late. The day started slow but gradually I picked up the pace. I didn't do calisthenics and meditation but intermittent studies were there, talked to many friends and was happy for the whole time. Definitely, today was the day I took a step back from the fight to reclaim my peace. I took some steps to prevent what had happened, now I am completely dependent on my sibling for accessing the internet. I feel that these are only the precautions I can take and not the solution to the problem, I have to work on myself. Another thing I realized is that I had lost the aim for a while, I was focused on the test I had a few days back and it had helped me stay clean, I have to do that again, getting myself emerged in the work. I was waiting for the replies on yesterday's post, I knew I would get motivated by you guys. Thanks for that.

Looking forward to the next day, and get back to the fight again.

8
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 19, 2019, 07:31:43 AM »
Thanks Rebooter, Circle, and Kaingang. Yesterday was a big bump for sure, I was quiet for the rest of the day and many negative thoughts kept on emerging, the thought of making it up to 20 days helped a lot. Counting the days was a big motivation, I am gonna do that from now on. I used to relapse every third or fourth day and 20 day is an achievement for me. Also, I realized that beating myself on this relapse is not something that would help me move ahead, I have to keep on moving no matter what happens in my life. Although this particular thought appeared after several hours of self-criticism. Hope it stays there for a long time.

9
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 18, 2019, 05:30:30 AM »
DAY #24

RELAPSED.

The day didn't start good, wet dream and a dream about watching P were the first two things in the morning. Later on, I was doing yoga but skipped it in the middle. I knew my sibling had some plans today and knew I would be alone for good 3-4 hours. I initially planned to do something as not relapse but couldn't come up with anything by the time I was alone. There were cravings to watch P after that, it was more like "This is what you do whenever you are alone, do it!". I was able to relax for a while, sat there fighting the urges for 1 and a half hour, till I gave up to the idea of watching anime. I knew somewhere in my mind that it's not gonna be anime I end up with. Started using the laptop, the next thing I am doing is watching P and ending up in MO. I did not binge but it was intermittent. I feel bad about today. Throughout that one and a half hour of struggle, I was saying to myself "I don't wanna write RELAPSE, I wanna right FAUGHT AND WON" but I hadn't planned anything for this "alone-time" of mine and ended up relapsing.

10
Ages 20-29 / Re: Life of relapsed rebooter
« on: February 17, 2019, 07:38:46 AM »
If it helps you, I am a 23-year-old virgin, PMO'd my way through college. The college life was not that sexual for me and it was the same for most of the guys. I feel these things are overly hyped by the movies and the sex-factor depends on the college, city, and country you are. Some places are more conservative than others. And brother you are 21 years, you have just stepped in your 20s now. Things will happen at their own pace, you are not gonna die a virgin. Judging by whatever you have said, you do realize P has affected our lives pretty badly. Take that as lesson and work to be free from this addiction.

11
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 17, 2019, 07:28:04 AM »
DAY #23

Clean with flashbacks.

I had an important test today and the entire day went by without much. I wasn't able to do yoga or meditation as I left for the test in the early morning. What seems to be interesting to me are the late night headache and flashback and early morning flashbacks. I think it was because I wasn't well prepared for the test and my brain was trying to pull me towards P using this as an excuse. I won't be doing much in the evening (post making the entry to journal) as I hope to rest for while. Ain't gonna watch anime, learned the lesson from last Sunday.


12
Ages 20-29 / Re: Connecting the dots ( This year i will change)
« on: February 17, 2019, 07:20:59 AM »
17/2/19 Today I relapsed. I always relapse in 2nd or 3rd week because I can't able to handle urges and it's again happened to me so now I'm really aware about it.  I relapsed 2 times in this year so now this time I will win because I knew the path and where to go in this journey. Never give up.

You are ready to fight back again and that spirit will break down the addiction to its knees. Just be aware of the triggers and learn from it, identify what caused you the urges at the first place and have a plan to deal with them when they show up. And also do not stress much about your record with 2nd and 3rd weeks, sometimes "I always give up on this stage" becomes an excuse for relapse, if you know that these are the tough days for you, then prepare yourself well for it.

13
Ages 20-29 / Re: I need to change.
« on: February 16, 2019, 06:54:17 AM »
I think there will always be some fighting between our rational and the more instinctive side, probably inherited from the animals. One side demanding immediate pleasures and another wanting to avoid it because it knows that along with pleasure comes some kind of pain.

You are absolutely right about this. Reminds me about the story of old Cherokee. I had been thinking about this for a while, there is so much going around in the country where I live, I have been hearing bad news since  2-3 weeks and one thing which made no sense to me was "why people behaved like this which led to such bad news?" and the only answer I was able to come up with was "It's easy being an animal". The rational part of our brains make us human and different than animals but it does ask us to wait for a while, think and decide what to do that would be best in our interest. On the other hand, there needs to be no thinking for the animal instincts that we have inside ourselves. I imagine our animal instinct to be a chained dog whose chain is held by our rational brain. The dog wants to bark and bite everyone but the rational part doesn't want that. It orders the dog to be quiet. Now, what if the dog is way too strong and not properly train, it would defy the orders and bite everyone but If given proper training by the rational part it would eventually be a good pet and listen to the orders. All we need to do is to train the dog.

Perhaps our greatest wish was if we could choose between pleasure and pain but seems to me that pleasure is inseparable from some kind of pain because it always demands for more and never the pleasure manifests as of the first times (generating frustration). It works as an explorer. Every gap you give to pleasure as pornography it explores you even more and is able to dominate you completely.
I would like to highlight a part you have mentioned: "pleasure as pornography". This is our stupid addicted brain who is not able to distinguish between pleasure and pain. Pornography under no circumstance can be a pleasure, it's a drug and that's what it would always be. There are healthy pleasures in life which give no pain and also there are pains which give no pleasure. Our brain is just confused with the concept of pleasure and pain due to the fake pleasure it has received through this addiction. All we need to do is to find the real pleasure that is in living our lives.
You have rightly said that it explores us to find the gap and then to dominate us. For me, this drug had always been a way to fill the gaps within myself, I made the way for pornography to dominate me. And I believe the only way I gonna get rid of this is to find the gaps I have and fill them with life and get rid of them. If I can not get rid of them, then I must reduce them and even if the gaps are still there, I would gladly accept them as a part of myself.

Sorry about the relapse you had but You made it through 70 days, sure you can do better than that and get rid of this addiction. 70 days was the first victory in this battle again P. The overpowered P must be shocked to see that you were able to withhold the fight for 70 days. Consider this journey like a one-on-one battles, don't fall for the demon's trick again and you would win the next round for sure.

Stay strong man, we can get over this addiction. We will win.

14
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: February 16, 2019, 05:58:14 AM »
It's a good idea to take a short break and get yourself balanced again when things just seem overwhelming. Happy to see that you progressed on your personal goals. Keep on progressing :)

15
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 16, 2019, 05:52:08 AM »
DAY #22

Clean without cravings.

The was good, I did yoga and meditation but the yoga I have been doing is sort of a combination of yoga and calisthenics. I need to find a proper route to these two. I'll be doing my digging on the subjects and hope to make a proper routine for myself soon. The meditation has been good I guess, I am able to get a few minutes of NO-THINKING time but after that, it's just bombardment of thoughts. These random (clean) thoughts in my head did not let me sleep yesterday and I am also having a bit of headache in the forehead and sometimes on top of the head, I do feel my brain changing now. I get a feeling that I would be subjected to the alone time in the upcoming days, then I feel like I am stressing too much on this. Hope to get over it whenever it appears.

16
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 16, 2019, 05:40:08 AM »
Thanks @Rebooter2019, I can sure get benefitted by your thoughts on meditation. How's your progress with that?

17
Ages 20-29 / Re: Age 29, seen it all and still confused.
« on: February 15, 2019, 07:27:34 AM »
Yup, seems like you have had a long history with sexting. Keep messanging to the minimum.

18
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 15, 2019, 06:29:55 AM »
DAY #21

Clean with some cravings.

I did the meditation and yoga today. I have decided to split the calisthenics and yoga routine which I used to do together at one go. Yoga and meditation will be the part of the morning routine as to have a smooth and calm start of the day while the calisthenics would be in the evening as I have to get the energy out somewhere and also to make myself fit and well built (Any suggestion Yoga/Meditation/Calisthenic routine from your side is most welcomed!!).

The cravings I faced today were mostly due to a girl I saw and after that, there were weak cravings whenever I would have some dead time be it for a minute only. I was able to overcome these craving by getting myself busy with the work. Another thing that I have noticed is that my bathroom is somehow acting as a trigger. It's weird as I rarely did anything P related there. Maybe it's the fact that earlier my biggest trigger was being alone, in private, where I am assured that no one would see me and the bathroom is definitely such a place. At present, I am not worried about it much as somehow I am able to stop my mind from wandering here and there. One thing which I am yet to face is being alone which had caused the triggers in past. It is the most basic challenge which I have to pass in order to get over this addiction.

19
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 15, 2019, 06:12:14 AM »
Thank you @Rebooter2019, your constant support means a lot.

Thanks @ circle, the brain is definitely changing. It feels like I have started to control the brain rather than the brain controlling me all the time however it still tries to dominate once in a while. Gotta work on that.

20
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: February 15, 2019, 06:06:00 AM »
2 Weeks! congrats man.

21
Ages 20-29 / Re: Rakses Reboot - I want to be free
« on: February 15, 2019, 06:04:14 AM »
Congrats Riki, you're doing good. Keep going!!

22
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 14, 2019, 06:02:56 AM »
DAY #20

Clean without cravings.

The days seem to pass pretty easily. My muscles were sore because of yesterday's routine so I decided to skip the exercise for today. Nights have been weird, I don't know when I fall asleep but it takes its own time after I go to bed, and mornings have been pretty lazy. I think I am oversleeping. I have started to work on controlling myself - skipping the sweet dish if I know it not good for me, studying when I have too irrespective of my mood etc. small things but seems to work for now. I have entered the 3rd week of the reboot and it's 17th clean day today. I would say the 2nd week had some troubles for me but till now 3rd week seems normal. For most of the fellow rebooters 3rd and 4th week have been the toughest and this is where some of them have relapsed. These are days when the protein binding the PMO circuitry starts to break. I am waiting to tackle the challenge head-on and get over it!!

24
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journal
« on: February 13, 2019, 07:43:58 AM »
For me, the major source of P was my smartphone and I struggled to control myself with it, eventually, I gave up my smartphone and turned to a brick phone, it has helped a lot. Do whatever it takes to get out of this mess. We are all in this together and we are rooting for you. Welcome in the journey brother.

25
Ages 20-29 / Re: Now or never
« on: February 13, 2019, 07:35:16 AM »
The funny thing is that "the obsession" is not who we really are, and I mean literally. It's just the brain, if it doesn't get what it wants for a few days it will give up on its own and look for something else. In these days there will be no obsessions as if that part of your personality has vanished and it actually was not you having the obsessions. It's just a tiny piece of protein stuck in your brain which creates the obsession. Check out YBON, it has helped a lot. And do what you need to do get out of this mess.

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