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Messages - BigMog

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: December 07, 2019, 05:30:35 PM »
Well it’s Saturday night and the rest of the family are in bed. I’ve been a bit under the weather for a few days, not sure whether it’s a virus or I’ve just eaten something that’s disagreed with me. Pressure has mounted again at work and tonight I’m feeling triggered and found myself beginning to look for things I should stay away from.
Hence, I’ve come here to log it in the hope that by doing that it helps me to come to my senses. I’m on a 15 day streak and I haven’t got past about 20 days for the last eight months. I really want to get back on track.
I’ll do a few chores and then head to bed.
Keep trekking everyone.

Ages 40 and up / Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« on: December 03, 2019, 04:40:00 AM »
Well done for 32 days Jixu, keep it going!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: December 03, 2019, 04:38:46 AM »
Thanks Jixu, you too!
I’m at the stage of a streak where things can begin to get difficult for me. Libido has recovered from the last binge and the chimp part of my brain is beginning to grumble, for example, moaning about me being in a sexless marriage due to wife’s ill health and other factors.
What I’m doing the same as previously is keeping busy, making plans, meditating which I hope helps me be aware of my thoughts and emotions so I don’t necessarily get caught up in them. I’m also generally looking after myself with exercise and sociability.
What I’m doing differently is coming here to post when I’m triggered, which seems to help a bit, but otherwise to only come here once a week or at a milestone. We’ll see how it goes.
Keep trekking everyone!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Hey new here
« on: December 03, 2019, 04:19:30 AM »
Hi Gusser, yes, keep trying! We’ve all been there and it’s difficult. Is there anything useful you can learn from your slip at the weekend? eg behaviours or feelings just beforehand that you can use as warning signs in the future that you need to get away from the pc/laptop or even get out of the house.
Best of luck!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: November 25, 2019, 04:43:32 PM »
Gosh, hadn’t realised I’d left it so long since last posting. Mainly had runs of 2-3 weeks, then slipped. Some of the stress at work has lessened so I’m hoping this will give me a respite from at least one of my triggers. I’ve tightened up some of my precautions that prevent a casual slip up and I really would have to put effort into accessing porn now. At the same time I need to focus on the good habits that keep me clean.
I felt myself triggered just now which was one of my reasons for writing this post.
Good luck all!

Ages 40 and up / Re: What's the difference
« on: November 23, 2019, 05:59:33 AM »
I agree with dypt that looking at still pictures on line is likely to cause you to start looking for videos.

Also, I think the difference between magazines and the internet is significant. Even if you had an extensive collection of magazines, the volume and variety of pictures would be tiny compared with the infinite supply available instantaneously on the internet at the click of a mouse. As I understand it, the constant stimulation of fresh, porn pictures that we’ve never seen before feeds into our reward circuits and fuels the addiction. So whether they are moving or still pictures probably makes little difference. Our poor brains haven’t changed much from those of our ancestors living on the savannah so it’s may be no surprise that we struggle when we can see more sexy things in 3 minutes on a screen than they would have seen in their entire lives!
Good luck, in what ever way you choose to do your reboot.

Ages 40 and up / Re: quit for good
« on: November 03, 2019, 04:06:24 PM »
Well done Joe. Another day Clean is like another cheque in the bank.
Whether you go or stay on the forum, and go gradual or go hard mode, I wish you well.

Ages 40 and up / Re: PUMPED To Finally Quit This Bad Habit!
« on: November 03, 2019, 03:55:53 PM »
Well done Mattoondah for avoiding porn after a frustrating evening. That’s a really good victory. I hope the next evening out is more successful!

JJacks, thanks again for posting here. Seeing that you have made such great progress gives those of us who are still struggling a much needed dose of hope and motivation.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: October 19, 2019, 06:50:20 AM »
Thanks for the support cranm.
Yes, although I’ve slipped since, at least I’ve managed to escape from that situation once, so I hope I can again if i’m ever careless enough to get into it in the future.
One observation I have of myself is that there is often a period of time after a few days of abstinence where I feel more calm and focused than usual. Strangely, I find I concentrate better at work. This comes after the period of misery and exhaustion immediately after a binge and before the intermittent mood swings that come a bit later.
I hope a longer version of this calm, balanced feeling may be something I can look forward to if I can break this binge/abstinence cycle and go PMO-free for several months.
I know I have lot to do before I get to that stage. Anyway all OK for the moment.

Keep up the good work folks.

8 Days Clean.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: October 16, 2019, 04:02:54 PM »
Well I had a success and then some stress and then some other stuff happened so I had a couple of fails.
But of course my over-emotional reaction to stress and events is I’m sure to an extent a result of my unbalanced brain due to the neurological changes induced by the PMO. So I just have to work hard to get into a virtuous cycle of no PMO, a healthier brain e.g. a better functioning pre-frontal cortex and, as a result, more resilience to the lure of PMO.
Easy really! ;)
I’m hanging on to the memory of the weekend where I was well and truly triggered and craving crazily but was able to pull out of it and stay clean for several days afterwards. Although I failed several days later, that was the first time I can ever remember crawling back up the funnel when I had slipped so far down it, so I hope that means something.
Keep trekking everyone.
5 Days Clean

Ages 40 and up / Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« on: October 16, 2019, 03:39:01 PM »
Hi Jixu, thanks for thinking of me. I’m still here, still reading the forum. I had some success and then a couple of fails, so I’m just regrouping at the moment. I feel I don’t have  much to say but it’s probably sensible to keep journaling more regularly just so I keep focused on the mission.
You’ve said further back that stress at work is a trigger, but conversely that when things are going too well you can have a slip. I think many of us have similar experiences. For me to be successful seems to require just keeping on an even keel, controlling the stress but also when things are going OK not forgetting that I am still in the struggle and making sure I am prepared for when the urges come.
Also I agree with your comments about escaping PMO being part of a bigger goal of self improvement.
Keep up the good fight!

Ages 40 and up / Re: See them grow up
« on: September 30, 2019, 09:15:07 AM »
Well done, WiP. Stick with it. Yep, I’ve frequently heard the cajoling chimp. I think we’re stuck with him for a while but we don’t have to do what he wants!
Stay strong!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: September 22, 2019, 03:48:06 AM »
So I had a minor victory last night.

Family were  all in bed asleep by mid evening. I had strong urges to remove the protection on my IT and look at something softcore, but of course we all know where that would lead.  I could feel and recognise that my whole body was kind of mildly electrified as it is sometimes when the cravings hit. However, I was able to slightly detach myself from the feelings, did a 10 minute mindfulness session (“Coping with Cravings”) on the app I use, read a few “Uncle Bob’s Porn Recovery Inspiration” pages on YBOP and then listened to one of Gary Wilson’s radio show recordings. By the end of this the cravings had dissipated and in fact I dozed off. (No disrespect intended to GW’s radio show).

On previous occasions I have either given in straight away or tried distraction activities (watching a recording of a tv program from a series I’m interested in, going to bed and trying to read, even going for a short walk in the dark) but always afterwards, the urge is still there in the background ready to come to the surface and hit hard again either within minutes or hours or the next day.

I’m not saying that I was able to logically reason my way out of a lapse and a binge it just seemed that on this particular occasion this sequence of actions appeared to be more effective than what I’ve done previously. Perhaps the key was that I was (just) able to distance myself or consciously separate myself from the urges whilst in the middle of them and follow the sequence of actions. I think in the past I’ve had good routines in place for avoiding urges and cravings and hopefully generally improving my life e.g. more exercise, more socialising, more attentiveness to family and general, gentle self improvement but I’ve been undone when I get hit hard by the cravings. Now, at least I have a possible template for what to do when they do hit.

This is definitely not a magic bullet and I’ve not suddenly turned the corner into a blissful life of no PMO, but I wanted to record it to reinforce in my memory what actually worked on one occasion. Performing the actions in the sequence I used was time consuming, but not a massive effort. It felt a bit like using machine guns, howitzers and grenades to destroy a cockroach, but if that’s what it takes then I’ll go with it.

If you’ve read this far, thank you for your patience. Of course I realise that :
“Man Succeeds in Avoiding PMO on a Saturday Night” is not really headline news but maybe it’s a small indication that I’m heading in the right direction.  ;)

Keep trekking, good people.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: September 21, 2019, 11:27:50 AM »
Thanks for the responses Iloveicecream and Jixu,
Yes, positive emotions, negative emotions, boredom can all cause me to be tempted and sometimes the strong urges seem to come out of nowhere. After a good start to the year, things have gone down hill a bit and I seem to be only managing 2-3 weeks before a fall. Having said that, I usually get a hint when I’m vulnerable, for example (stress) again at work and today a social event which for me didn’t go as well as I’d hoped and my wife being unwell and moody.
It seems to me that the PMO contributes to the work and social issues, so of course to use it to medicate for feeling stressed about them would be the worst possible course.
I’m hoping that posting here and the usual routine of reading, mindfulness and keeping myself busy with positive actions and activities will help this time.
I noticed in another thread a little while back someone saying that it was tiring working on the addiction. I agree. Much of the time I would rather not think about it, but I believe I have to work on it in some way every day or I forget that I’m in a long war and my resolve lessens. Then there’s a danger of stepping on to the slippery slope.

10 Days Clean. Keep trekking everybody.

Ages 40 and up / Re: 44 years old on the brink of falling
« on: September 16, 2019, 03:00:08 AM »
Good luck Dutchguy. Really hoping you can come through this difficult period. I’ve been in the same situation many times before so I know it’s challenging.

Ages 40 and up / Re: 44 years old on the brink of falling
« on: September 06, 2019, 01:54:32 AM »
Great going Dutchguy. A real inspiration to me and probably many others.

Ages 40 and up / Re: New here
« on: September 03, 2019, 02:51:35 AM »
Iloveicecream, looks like a good list of what to do better next time.
Keep strong, I’ve  always found the days after a slip particularly difficult, because of the “chaser” effect. Seems like the primitive part of the brain thinks “I’ve had some, now I need to get some more while it’s available.”
It is possible to get through it and if you can you will have converted a slip into a victory.
You’re on the right track!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: September 03, 2019, 02:37:21 AM »
Thanks for your comment and encouragement iloveicecream.

So today is the first day back to school and work for the rest of the family which means it’s the first day for me for a few weeks when I’m in the home-office with no one else around the house. This in itself is a bit of a trigger, but I hope that being aware of this and following good habits should enable me to steer clear of the slippery slope that leads to PMO.

Good luck everyone. Remember we do have a choice.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: September 01, 2019, 09:00:31 AM »
Thanks for the comment  iloveicecream,

Not much to report here. Just trying to keep myself occupied with good activities.
I know things may get more challenging later into the streak and as pressure at work builds up again.

Keep trekking everyone. Remember we do have a choice.

Ages 40 and up / Re: day 9
« on: September 01, 2019, 05:00:39 AM »
this journaling is like a contract.
Yes I agree, I’ve found that in the periods when I’m journaling regularly it’s easier to keep on the straight and narrow. Posting here helps remind me at least for the next few hours that I’m in this struggle and need to be vigilant.
Keep going iloveicecream, you’re doing well!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: August 31, 2019, 06:40:20 AM »
Still doing OK.
A major burden at work for me has been lifted which is good, but I’m just being careful not to get carried away and fall into the mindset where I feel I can “celebrate” with a fix.
Generally, I’m trying to keep up good habits like keeping busy with productive or nurturing activities as well as the mindfulness which I think helps by increasing my ability to be aware of my thoughts rather than just running with them.
For example sometimes I note that I’m fantasising about someone or a romantic/sexual situation. So I just focus on a few deep breaths and tell myself that these thoughts are unnecessary and no good will come of them and I try to gently move on. At the moment these thoughts are not too intense so it’s fairly easy to deal with them and it’s best do just that since I know where they can lead. An example of the thought process over hours or days for me can be something like, “Oh it’s no good, I could never have that woman or a woman like that in real life......but I know where I can have lots of them who are even better....” Then I find I’m sliding down the slippery slope.
Alternatively, I’ve found that an urge can can just hit me from left-field and I find I’m disabling the protection on my IT equipment ready for a binge for no good reason other then I’ve thought of it and I have the opportunity. Gently monitoring my thought processes, I hope, can help me take stock and make a considered decision in these situations.
So all good so far, but I know things may get more difficult at certain points as the streak progresses.

Anyway keep trekking everyone. Remember we do have a choice.

Ages 40 and up / Re: I will Never Give Up
« on: August 30, 2019, 02:53:53 AM »
So no PMO (porn, masturbation, organism) mean anything that triggers that behavior. I am fooling myself thinking that YouTube vids that are not “porn” but stimulate me to to point of Mo are ok. Because for me after doing that I feel ashamed and  like I am cheating. Also I want to go back to hardcore porn. However There is a part of me that is sad to loose that too. I mean very sad like I am loosing a dear friend.

Yes, same for me, I found I was using the softcore YouTube videos for MO or as a gateway or as part of the slippery slope to accessing real porn and then having a relapse. As for the sadness at losing it, yes and I also felt anger and resentment that I was no longer going to have this fix or perhaps even a sex-life at all!
I still have a long  way to go and still have had relapses but I’ve cut out YouTube and any unfruitful random browsing that may lead to a slip and I also try to fill my life with other good activities especially those with a social aspect.
I’m sure you know really that the “dear friend” is actually just a parasite trying to suck the life out of you!
Stay strong 90daywar, after reading the rest of your posts, I’m sure you are on the right track!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: August 24, 2019, 06:04:45 AM »
Trundling along OK and back in a reasonable routine after the holiday. I’m still finding work stressful and somewhat chaotic and I know I’m not at my best. However, I’m not going to use that as an excuse and lapse.
I’m sticking with the usual recipe of reading and posting here and reading YBOP as well as practising mindfulness and generally aiming to do wholesome activities when I can.

My best wishes to all  of you on this journey.

Remember we do have a choice.

Ages 40 and up / Re: 44 years old on the brink of falling
« on: August 24, 2019, 05:52:43 AM »
Hi Dutchguy, Good going. Each time you manage to step away from the temptation to PMO and do some thing else, like your bike ride, it’s a little victory that helps to reprogram your brain in the right way. Thanks for your posts, they help all of us.

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