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Messages - Sentimental_geek

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1
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: June 20, 2019, 06:20:29 PM »
SO I have managed 6 days without relapse so far. Its been a bit tough and feeling a bit up and down overall. I've had a coule of days where i've had huge bouts of paranoia and stress. Others when I've been a bit lethargic and somehwat lazy. I have also felt quite emotional at times, including crying a bit earlier. I always find at some point int he first 2 weeks I have a massive emotional outburst at somepoint, and its a healthy thing overall. But today especially, I have had glimpses of feelings of feelings of what can only be described as self pride. Not to say I'm feeling 100% super about everything. But definitely a bit more self accepting

2
Ages 30-39 / Re: It's 20th day and I partially relapsed
« on: June 16, 2019, 11:29:22 AM »
First of all, forgive yourself. You slipped up but you didnt kill anyone and you are only human.

20 days is a good streak. Sometimes when you get so used to not having temptation, that is when you can be most likely to slip up as you start to take it for granted. Be aware of the mistakes you make so you can be better prepared for next time and try as best you can not to relapse again and end up binging on porn.

It is also importiant to remember that recover is not ust about abstaining but looking at what your triggers are and what leads you to reaching for porn and masturbation.

3
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: June 15, 2019, 06:58:08 AM »
Mad it to six days yesterday but relapsed twice in the space of a few hours.

My main issues seems to be procrastination, especially in the morning. If I awake before my alarm, I tend to lay in bed then start fantasising and touching myself. Whilst this may not lead to much in that moment, Later on with out fail I end up peaking and then..... you can guess the rest. THis morning I got up as soon as I was awake, even if that was half 6 on a saturday. I went back to sleep an hour later as I started to feel tired enough to sleep again. So I think this approach may help - get up and go - do something, anything, other than touch myself and fantasise whilst kidding myslef that I can get back to sleep.

4
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: June 09, 2019, 11:53:12 AM »
Made it a day and a half. Feel a bit all over the place, but its a start. I feel I need to dog a little deeper in to feelings and triggers that are keeping me in this cycle. Having had some success a few years ago, it stumps me as to why I now go back to the cycle of relapsing so often. Previous reboots have helped me see things about myself that were causing issues or needed attending to. I sometimes wonder if relapsing after a week or too is an attempt to hijack the chances of doing this again. Like i'm scared i'll find something I dont like, even if what ever I find is the cold hard truth!

5
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: June 05, 2019, 04:37:29 PM »
Another bloody relapse!

Too much peaking and fantasy,

Back to the start

6
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: June 03, 2019, 06:19:03 PM »
I have to say I felt awful last night. Absolutely the pits! Feel a little better today, but still quite empty. I've not felt this bad in a while to be honest. It hit me like a ton of bricks within an hour of relapsing. Usually it takes at least a day or so. What was worse is it was the middle of the night. I hardly slept int he end then was up at 5am for work. So its been a bit mad.

I'd previously had an accountability buddy on here but they seem to have gone off the radar and not returned :-( SO i'm going to try and post on this part of the forum a bit more and get more off my chest. Need to switch things up a bit but also take time to see why this keeps happening.

7
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: June 02, 2019, 06:28:38 PM »
Relapsed again. Im a sad pathetic waste of space. Cant even go a few days now. 5 years ive been trying this and i constantly fuck up. Im a constant fuck up and failure at this and most things in life. 35 little to show, mess of a sex life and hardly any one im close to. What the actual fuck am I?

8
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: May 30, 2019, 04:48:29 PM »
Relapsed again tonight. Feel kinda empty and a bit lost. not even uopset, just empty. Constantly feeling alone with this as well. Dont even feel posting here helps anymore. Like no one listens.

9
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: May 27, 2019, 07:16:22 PM »
Sadly relapsed tonight after 15 days. Had been peeking yesterday and let my self away with it tonight too. One thing led to another.  bit annoyed but I know all I can do is start again and go day by day. I've been pretty tired over the last few days and think that played a bit of  a part in it. Plus a little stressed too.

 i had planned to go a month then give some online dating a bash. Seems that was not enough of a reward. Its usually the 10-25 days that I find the hardest. and agian that got the best of me. :(

10
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: May 24, 2019, 05:05:22 PM »
I have managed to go 11 days since my last relapse, although I have peaked once. But managed to stop myself doing anything completely stupid. So at some kind of progress at least!

My mood is definitely a bit down at the moment though, I'm getting a lot of brain fog at the moment too. I keep mulling over quite a few things in my head although some of it is just complete noise. But anyway 11 days progress for me in comparison to other relapsing I've been through. So my target now is just to try and make another 11 days and see how it goes. I'm trying to keep it as simple as possible. I know there is the 90 day magic number, but I think I do myself a lot better if I keep my target smaller and do a step-by-step.


11
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: May 12, 2019, 10:19:36 AM »
Unfortunately I seem to be in a relapse cycle again. Get a couple of days in then it falls apart. Relapsed 3 times today.

 My vice at the moment seems to be touching myslef, especially in the morning. This seems to set a tone in my mind that doing this is ok but one thing leads to another and, well, you all know the rest. I'm even fully aware that whenI t happens i'm doing something I dont want to. Impulse and stupidity is still getting the best of me.

I think I mabey need to start small. Aim for 5 days and dont think about 90 day streaks too much. If I get 5, push it to 7. 7 to 10, 10 to 15 and so on.

I'm also suffering badly from boredom at the moment and need to get on top of this.

12
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: April 26, 2019, 11:24:18 AM »
Unfortunately relapsed today. Urges got the better of me plus having university work to do kept me in all day so I had little escape from the computer. Not that its an excuse but I was 7 days in now thats up in smoke :-(

13
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: April 20, 2019, 03:59:25 PM »
Pleased to report so far I have made it a second day porn free. I have had a lot of temptation at times but have managed to hold it together.

Even after two days I feel a little more balanced. In some ways acts as a reminder as to why rebooting is a good thing. Even though I'm not anywhere near a flat line at the moment which will come. I also fully expect I'll get some withdrawals in the next week or so which may put me on a downer. But overall like I said it is a reminder that's staying clean gives huge mental benefit. If only I could remind myself of that in my darkest moments of temptation.

14
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: April 19, 2019, 06:35:06 PM »
So I have managed 24 hours without porn. I was very tempted earlier, but managed to stave off the temptation. This is the start of a very long journey again. It's a journey of start many times before, and it's also one of getting a bit sick of having to keep doing. But I know it's the only answer that I have.

I have been a bit all over the place today, and unsure what to do with myself. But at least in some sense I feel achievement getting through at least a day.

15
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: April 19, 2019, 06:32:46 PM »
Try not to get into the habit of using this site for confessing relapses, it acts as a reward for your relapses over time. It is ok to confess, but the fact that you need to confess here shows that you still haven't forgiven yourself, which is the first step. Coming to accept what you have done and forgive yourself. I found that I only started to make real progress after praying for forgiveness, but I know prayer is not everyone's cup of tea, nevertheless asking yourself for forgiveness, or better still a higher power, which is one of the 12 step program's steps, is necessary. You need to forgive yourself, then use the posting to bolster your abstention rather than reward yourself if you fail. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. Posting things on the internet also stimulates the reward centre of the brain with dopamine, so if you relapse and then post, your basically just reinforcing things. Substituting posts for PMO is the point of journaling. One of the things I read about prayer is that after you have just committed something that you feel is against your principles, don't pray for forgiveness straight away. Wait a while. I think it is the same with posting. If you relapse, wait a while before posting. Build up a few days, then post how many days your on. I think you'll get better results. Thank you.

THis makes little to no sense and really is not helpful at all as its very judgemental. How do you know "posting relapses om here" stimulates dopamine? Are you a neuroscientist? If it did would it really be a problem? Dompamine rewards for doing something positive are in themselves positive. Its the porn use stimulating dopamine thats the issue. Dopamine in itself is just dopamine. And its not your place to dictate what I can and cant write on MY forum thread!

16
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: April 18, 2019, 08:48:14 PM »
And yet you are still here, still recognizing that the fight is worth it.  You just had a 20 plus day streak which means you have the ability to succeed. You have to keep going, don't give up.   No peeking-that is how it starts!

I appreciate that! I relapsed again tonight unfortunately. Im really struggling again. Cant seem to get back to where i was. I feel like my brain is completely at war with me. Like it dosent want to do anything i ask of it. All it seems to want now is porn. Feels a bit like everything has suddenly left me.

17
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: April 17, 2019, 12:08:28 PM »
Relapsed again today after avoiding a relapse but peeking yesterday. Feel like its square one again. One moment I want to kick this, the next i'm a porn monster. I hate it. Absolutely hate it!

18
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: April 15, 2019, 05:51:11 PM »
Relapsed a total of 3 times today....so thats a binge. Pretty disappointing but there is not much I can do. Got to about 21 days in "hard mode" but fell to bits int he end. Need to get it back together and try again. Feel a massive sense of emptiness but also loneliness. Lonely because I did it but also lonely because, well, i'm alone! I've been feeling that a lot recently and its really come to ahead today :-( So its all a bit shit!

19
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: April 15, 2019, 03:52:18 AM »
Unfortunately despite my best eforts atn intentions I have fallen off the rails. The last three days I had started peaking again sometimes and slightly risky situations when I was at university. And then this morning I masturbated, albeit not to porn, but to the point I orgasm.

It's completely my fault as I let things slip massively. But I didn't enjoy in the slightest. At the moment of climax felt this massive adrenaline rush that made me feel a bit sick. And right now I feel like an absolute mess of confusion and shit.

Thats all I really have to say :(

20
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: April 09, 2019, 04:58:32 PM »
I'm on day 18 now. No relapses or peeking so still going strong in that department.

I've been very off and on temptation. Nothing this got the better of me. But I do find myself there again getting quite intense fantasy, which can be very tempting. I am however, able to let it pass. But it is annoying when it happens as it can stick in my mind for ages. It often seems to happen at the most awkward of times as well, and I have noticed this specially when I am tired.

I have also felt my mood being very up and down over the last few days. There has been points where I've been getting quite jittery and almost paranoid about the littlest things. As if the slightest little issue could bring my whole world down to pieces. There's also been times when I've just felt really sad and that everything I do is pointless. For example earlier I was working on a couple of assignments for university, and I found it impossible to concentrate. I also began to feel everything I was doing was just stupid and completely incorrect and not as good as what other people were doing. Just like this wave of despair descended upon me. It was quite a horrible feeling! It kind of comes and goes. So I have a feeling some kind of flat line is brewing, and with it may come more despair  and depression. It's a reminder that in reboots for me the first few days are always hell, then the next week or two are usually quite good. But then you are hit with another wave of hardship. What I find interesting is in my last reboot attempt, when I reached 50 or so days but was peaking quite a lot I didn't get this feeling. But this time as I have been a lot more strict I am starting to get it. It's definitely a sign of some kind of rewiring. I also find that despite fantasies that come into my head, and really not finding anything particularly sexually attractive at the moment. I feel like I have to convince myself that someone as attractive in a sexual way. I think it's my brain saying to me it just needs a rest, which of course is the whole point of a reboot!

Anyway that's very much just now. A range of slightly strange and strained feelings, and an underlying feeling that it may get worse before it gets better. But I'm not gonna get impatient, or at least try not to. But I have a long journey ahead.

21
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: April 06, 2019, 05:17:09 PM »
I'm now 15 days into my reboot. Please to report I have not looked any porn, although I did get a little bit carried away earlier on Facebook looking at the profile of quite hot girl I know. But I managed to stop myself doing a stupid. If anything I just feel a bit dumb for getting carried away. Especially as in essence that's the fellow human being, that should be respected!

In general I've been feeling a bit more temptation of the last couple of days, but at the same time slightly desexualised. So I have a feeling of flat line may be coming. And to be honest it would be such a bad thing. This is usually the danger zone time where I can often end up going back to porn because I know my libido was about to plummet, and my brain makes a lastgasp attempt not to let go. At the same time kind of aware that what I am attracted to has gone completely out the window. Hence the de-sexualised feelings. In some ways I think it is a sign of my brain rewiring, because it used all the trash that I've looked at for so long.

Either way, it's definitely a move in the right direction for me is 15 days without any peaking at porn is the best I've done in a very very long time. And it is definitely reminding me as well as continuing to teach me the benefits of staying off porn. I am aware occasionally I get a little bored however. This may be a bit challenging in the next few months as my university will finish for the summer, and I will have a bit more time on my hands. However I am looking for opportunities both with employment and voluntary work that will hopefully plug the gaps.

22
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: April 01, 2019, 06:13:36 PM »
Well managed to make it to 10 days, and I have successfully avoided looking at any porn, masturbating, orgasm, or relapsing!

I have had quite a lot going on in that time. My grandfather passed away a couple of weeks ago and his funeral was last week. As expected that occupied a lot of my minds and attention. It released a bit of family politics which was also quite a big distraction, although luckily that didn't become anything in the end. The sorts of things are never fun though!

I haven't really had much in the way of temptation, and any that I have had has been easily controlled. I always forget how good it is when your head is clear of porn, and the temptation of it as well. Although it's only been 10 days, I feel a lot more focused even in a short space of time. That's not to say everything is perfect for that I have found any "superpowers". To be honest I don't believe that rebooting brings superpowers. All it actually does is let you see yourself, albeit eventually, for who and what you really are. As you get free of the porno bull shit track that holds you down and holds you back, you start to realise you're not that bad a person.

Anyway, I don't know if I've been hit by the flat lines yet, which in itself can bring its hardships. I do fully expect that at some point my brain is gonna go mental and start doing the usual rubbish to try and tempt me back into the old ways. I'm aware of another area in my life in the shape of diet and exercise, that could probably do with a bit of improvement. But I am going to concentrate on this first. If I can get 10 days, then in the same amount of time ill be looking at 20,  and another 10 and thats 30 and.... Well you know where I'm going with this! But it's equally important that I just take every day as it comes celebrate each one is a small victory. I think a lot of my previous issues with reboots over the last year is that I get desperate to rack up huge streak because I was getting sick of the place I was at, which is usually the moments straight after a relapse when you feel really shit. The moments after my most recent relapse I felt awful, and I even got quite tearful. The next couple of days as well it felt like shit. But that's improved at least. But I am well aware that there could be some rough seas ahead as I  carry on with this. I have every intention however to stay off porn, no matter how hard it gets.

23
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: March 25, 2019, 05:33:26 PM »
So it's been quite a long time since my last post. To be honest I've been incredibly busy, as I moved house to a different town and have also had a lot of work with University. I was also a little bit ashamed to be posting as it was, in a long cycle of relapse. This has been very much often annoyed with some days and even the odd week attempting reboots, the broken up by excessive amounts of peaking.

However, I have managed three days now on the proverbial hard mode. This is the best I've done in a  while, as previous attempts over the last few months have been broken up by too much peeking. That seems to be the biggest downfall. I was even aware wreck sitting doing it basically this was betraying everything I was trying to do. But as I said I managed three days without any peaking, and I intend to keep going as best I can. I'm not gonna lie emotionally I have been all over the place the last three days, and on the day of my last relapse, which happened in the morning I had a massive outburst of tears in the evening. I was basically uncontrollable crying. But I feel so much better for it. However I'm still very up-and-down. It possibly doesn't help either flat at the funeral on Wednesday as my grandfather died last week, which has been quite upsetting as we were quite close, although he was very old. In some way it has brought some sense of perspective. The first couple of days after he passed I was definitely peaking and edging as a way of dealing with ourselves. The resultant relapse however brought a lot of pain. In the midst of it and feel it had a realisation doing these things doesn't ease the pain that makes it worse. There's a few other reasons as well but not gonna go into them. But on the whole there's definitely been a realisation that this is getting me nowhere. I also realise that I harbour a lot of regret for previous failed attempts rebooting. I have previously had some quite long streaks, but the last couple of years I have cycled in relapse a fair bit, with the last year being particularly bad. It's come to the point although I genuinely worry if this continues they will learn all the new opportunities it made for myself. And in the midst of that worry as I mentioned before I run the risk of harbouring so much regret. So I am working to let go of all. Emotionally at the moment is very hard and I am very up-and-down, but I feel in a way I need to feel this is reboots will work best when they allow you to face the honesty in your life.

Anyhow, that is where I am at. I'm gonna try and post a little bit more. But I've never been one to post for the sake of posting. But if anyone is reading, feel free to comment!

24
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: January 24, 2019, 04:28:09 AM »
Unfortunately relapsed twice last night. Once to porn and once to just MO.

nightmare!

25
Ages 30-39 / Re: Needing to Heal
« on: January 22, 2019, 06:18:26 PM »
Well I have managed a day without relapse, but to be completely honest it's been pretty shit.

Have been quite anxious all day and somewhat distracted. But this evening has been especially hard. There's so much on my mind anyway, that if it goes to prove anything being a porn addict makes the hard things in life a lot harder. This evening especially though I've just been really really stressed and up-and-down and it culminated in me actually getting quite emotional and bursting into tears. However I must say doing that at least acts as a bit of a release and a let out of steam. Because otherwise it have gone completely mental. However a really long run as well which also helped clear my head a little bit. So feeling a bit better now.

I think I have definitely hit rock bottom though. I haven't felt like this in a long time. And it's not just with other things that are going on. Because life will throw challenges at you, and sometimes they will make you feel like shit. But that's all part and parcel of life. But there's only certain things that will actually make you feel properly like you are buried in a hole with concrete being poured on top of you. In that horrible feeling as a result of relapse and porn addiction is exactly that. Usually it may be happens two weeks into reboot, and if I finally have success on this it will maybe happen again in a couple weeks. But right now while I'm fully conscious of how I felt, I know it's something that I never want to feel again. I have a friend passed away in 2017, it almost feels worse than that. Because I could at least accept that as there was nothing I could do to prevent it. But I know I could have prevented this at least in part. But if there's one good thing at least I felt that the motion and I managed to get out. God knows I've probably got more tears to cry in the duration of this. But if I managed to get some kind of a streak going at least I can start trying to sail away from it.

In a way we kind of need these feelings to really kickstart things sometimes. But the same time it's frustrating because I've been here before, and I know full well I don't want to feel like this again. But my actions can mean that I will. I have so much that I can be working on right now, but the continual relapse and emotional rollercoaster is taking me away from it. And it's not very nice.

So that was today. One of the worst in a long time. But hopefully a bit of a watershed moment as well. I say that with positive that will help me to kick on a bit now. Then again I may be back tomorrow with news of a Relapse. Who knows!?

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