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Messages - k-fff

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1
Relapsed again. Did not sleep well at all got too hungry. I am mess lately and idk what to do.

2
Everything came to head recently. Vacation was bad. I binged. I don't know what I want or what I am looking for anymore. Ending things completely with my ex swept out a large amount of emotional support I had in China. I have other friends  here, but right now, they are all on vacation. I should have went with them instead of visiting someone I don't even know anymore. I noticed now that for me, periods of extreme loneliness and boredom are my main triggers. I feel so empty right now and my relationship with my ex in part was destroyed because of my porn use. She hates herself because I want other girls with also hating me. i can't say I blame her. I guess it is poetic justice that the girl I had a fling with is now with someone else and other girls have started dating other people. I want to break this habit. I just chose to relapse today out of a sense of boredom and mindless pleasure seeking. Lately, I have not been able to escape myself. For the rest of this month long holiday, which I have squandered 3 days of already. I am going to spend on beating this addiction. I am gonna make myself a schedule and make it harder for me to reach porn. I have to hope now because I don't have anything in this country anymore all I can do is push forward for myself.

3
Relapsed again. shit was not prepared for those urges came all of a sudden on the computer. No bingeing. I guess stress is still a trigger. Even though, I wasn't thinking I will go home and relapse. No wait, it came from pictures and ads on a website that I was not expecting shit.

4
Day 7
I did not sleep well again. I woke up with an erection and a need to pee. It kept me awake and I completely awoke by the time I went to the bathroom. I MO'ed to get rid of the random erections and to help sleep went easy enough. I didn't really fall back asleep so I am really tired and I need to move a bunch of stuff. I must be going through withdrawals still. It will be nice to go on vacation since pretty much every girl I was interested or had a thing with is no with or dating someone else. Some seriously bad luck all at once too haha. I feel quite stressed and really tired. I have had no urges at all even on the computer. I suspect I get urges mainly in response to boredom and repeat exposure to triggers on streaming websites. I am happy after today it will be a week again. It feels good to be moving forward again. Even though, I am depressed about the situation I currently find myself I am not losing control.
Reasons why I want to quit porn,
It makes me depressed and anxious. It gives me brain fog. It causes insomnia like now. It drains my time and the time I spend engaging with this addiction leaves me no time for much of anything else. I want to keep accomplishing things in my life and this is a necessary correction. I am regaining control every day.

5
Day 6
Depressed. I have too many feelings for that coworker and  I feel like there is just this wall between us. Not to mention, I always seem to really fall for girls that love attention. Bad taste definitely. I haven't been feeling any urges these past days. I have been exhausted. I will be flying to another city on friday. I don't know how much I look forward to seeing that friend. God, I hate liking this person. I successfully distracted myself from her for months why does this hurt so much now. Maybe because I feel used. I suspect I will get urges around day 11 like usual. I think I am gonna post a lot here during that time to try and help myself because last times I avoided here out of shame of wanting to relapse. I know I can reach two weeks I just need to set up my schedule where I am doing something else besides watching p. Today and tomorrow will be very busy because I have to move my stuff to a friend's apartment and prep for my flight. I hate how I feel at the moment, but I have never medicated my sadness or depression with p so I have no desire to which I find as a blessing. Right now, I am quite frustrated and I hope i can enjoy the 4 days with my friend. After that, I plan to spend this month reading and working out. I have a month long vacation which is nice. Hopefully, will have a competition in March or April. I am feeling really tired of China though lately. Being in a foreign country things start to wear on you.
Reasons why I want to quit porn. It causes severe brain fog and depression. I can tell just after 5 days that I have some more clarity. I get more anxiety and I lose self respect everytime I use. The edging makes my brain feel like a lightbulb and it become severely burnt out after using. It sucks away my time and makes it so I cannot focus on my hobbies and other people. I feel enormously drained after using and moody. I want to accomplish more in my life so I need that sexual energy and motivation. I am regaining control everyday and I have felt the benefits after a little over a week.

6
Day 4&5
Day 4 was busy had dinner with a female coworker which there is too much mutual attraction between us and it is bit of a unexplored area. Anyway got to bed no urges just tired. Today day 5 similar stuff, very exhausted can't wait till I go on vacation.

One thing of note that has been really bothering me since my last relapse. My last relapse, my brain starting inserting porn into everywhere when I was trying to sleep all kinds of disturbing dreams and I felt half awake throughout all of it. I felt really horrible afterwards and exhausted.

The reason why I want to quit porn. I hate it. It makes me depressed and anxious. It screws up my mind in a variety of ways after using and I find I can't sleep. It is making my interactions with real people less important. I also noticed I appreciated touch cuddling so much more when  I almost made it to two weeks. I feel abnormal and ashamed when I use. I lose my sense of pride every time I relapse. I don't ever want to be old and still addicted to this mental and spiritual poison. I am regaining my control every day and every time I get back right on the horse after relapsing the quicker I can heal.

7
Day 3
Exhausted. No urges.

Reasons why I want to quit porn. It makes feel depressed and anxious. It causes severe insomnia which I have been experiencing for the past 3 days. It makes me less interested in real women. It makes sex way less enjoyable. It gives me brain fog and inability to focus. I am gaining control of myself more and more.

8
Day 2
Did not sleep well because my coworkers are a bunch of obnoxious drunkards. MO'ed last night to help with sleep was difficult to O because of the porn use the past few days, but I did to a fantasy of a previous encounter I had. I am having no visible chaser effects and I have had no urges.
Reasons I want to quit porn
It makes depressed and anxious. It causes severe insomnia which often results in my getting sick and missing out in improving myself. It has exacerbated emotional issues I have had and kills my motivation. I don't want to spend my time scrolling through p in zombie mode like I have spent too many hours these past 2 years. I am regaining my control over this every day and I am going to reach 14 days.

9
Ages 20-29 / Re: It's not impossible if others have done it
« on: January 11, 2020, 07:34:07 AM »
Day 17

Another big problem for me is this fucking night shift. I can't quit my job because it's a dream job. I get paid well and I'm not too stressed out. The thing is, unfortunately, I don't have a linear sleep. I wake up a couple of times. And I wake up with a big craving for porn and low tolerance. I woke up after 4 hours, grabbed my dick and started jerking off to fantasies, just like that. But I managed to stop myself after a few minutes and tried to sleep again. This stupid thing has made me relapse in the past. I don't know, man, those fucking things could sabotage me sooner than I want.

If you can't quit try to figure out methods to maximize your sleep and rest so you're not primed for relapse. In my opinion, you look like do well a lot, but when night shift happens, you get hit hard because your sleep suffers a lot.

10
Was late to work, really made my boss angry due to the insomnia. I have teacher training over the weekend and into the next week ending on Wednesday. I keep remembering wow i am an idiot for relapsing yesterday insomnia is always a withdrawal symptom for me and I have to work over the weekend which is depressing.

Porn does changes to the brain. Problems are supposed to happen. Your insomnia is a sign that your brain is fucked up right now. You are not an idiot for relapsing, you are an addict. The addiction bypasses the: "I know I've suffered terribly because of engaging with the behavior, now I will stay away from it." How many times do we tell ourselves that this is the last time? Only time will heal and we have to go through the pain of withdrawal to be free. Those of us who won't, will never escape. Sometimes I doubt my ability to be one of those who will be addicts no more.

Quote
Negative motivation works the best for me because right now, I am quite well adjusted even with my porn problem. I have sank deep enough in it. I spent a lot of time getting used to being social despite low energy and now that I look back a lot of my problems were made worse by fapping. I often never gave it a second thought, but most likely my extreme social anxiety was made really by fapping. I made peace with the shitty course my life took 5 years ago, but it still hurts to think about now.

I, too, suffer from high social and general anxiety and I also think my porn addiction has a lot to say about it. Maybe it didn't create my anxiety problems but for sure it made them way worse. Porn addiction fucks up the brain. I can't be a heavy porn addict and not expect something not to go wrong. In my case, it destabilized my brain quite nicely. It safe to say that I'm pretty fucked up because of this, that's why it's absolutely necessary that we quit porn, for our mental health.

I had to do a lot of stoic exercises to get over my social anxiety. Now even with this addiction, I can mingle quite easily. Without a doubt though, I am worse off because of my p habit and I feel like a lot of my unhappiness in the past was exacerbated by fapping habits. At the end of the day, reminding myself that I need to focus on this and suffer some is important. I really appreciate the responses Wecan. I haven't been commenting on other's journal's as much because I sank into sort of a malaise over my relapses. I looked back at my previous successes and a big thing that helped me get pass the first few days was by being more active on here. A large degree of that was the shame due to relapsing and I do think that shame is important to motivate you not to relapse again. Pushing each other towards better lives is what matters.

11
Day 1
Was late to work, really made my boss angry due to the insomnia. I have teacher training over the weekend and into the next week ending on Wednesday. I keep remembering wow i am an idiot for relapsing yesterday insomnia is always a withdrawal symptom for me and I have to work over the weekend which is depressing. Negative motivation works the best for me because right now, I am quite well adjusted even with my porn problem. I have sank deep enough in it. I spent a lot of time getting used to being social despite low energy and now that I look back a lot of my problems were made worse by fapping. I often never gave it a second thought, but most likely my extreme social anxiety was made really by fapping. I made peace with the shitty course my life took 5 years ago, but it still hurts to think about now.

The reasons why I want to quit porn. It causes insomnia. It makes me depressed and anxious. I don't want to have kids and wife while also using porn. I want to move forward with my goals considering I have been stuck in limbo for 2 years since this habit has gotten more out of control. I am still young. I still can move forward and I want to be great. Anybody who doesn't want to accomplish great things is lying to themselves.

12
have insomnia now because of the at least 2 hours edging and subsequent relapses. Porn doesn't help me sleep. It makes it harder to sleep for myself. I usually have insomnia the night of
a relapse. Other thoughts on why I relapsed, bored in a word, trying to rest from being sick and i got really tired of being stuck at home.

13
And relapsed again. After today, I am getting two weeks no matter what. I am gonna post everyday also. Whenever I get urges I am gonna post in someone's journal, or just go outside and take a walk. I am going to get this under control. I have to.

14
I should talk about this relapse before I forget. I was having urges all day and yesterday I peeked at a video which might have led into this. Besides that, watching anime gives a lot of triggers now, not because I am into that type of p, but I think I developed in association with simply watching anime then moving onto porn. Right now, I need a clear strategy to deal with urges. Other than that for the next three days I have to stay off the internet otherwise I will be too tempted. Before, what led me to get 13 and 11 days was looking and reading people's journal's on here. I think that might have been a novelty derived thing more than anything else. Today, I spent way too much time on the computer. I recovered quite a lot from my sickness so that is good. When I am sick, I don't really like to look or have urges being exhausted and miserable like that. I don't think I am trying hard enough to quit this or I am just being careless even though I remember how good sex was before I relapsed and I could feel my body healing more and more. I had sex with a new girl on new years day and ever since then I have had repeated relapses maybe do to a chaser effect initially? then I sank back into an old cycle. I need to decide if I am gonna use this as accountability or stay off of it. I think I should use it as accountability the most because when I was doing that I had more success and reminding myself I would have to go on here and say I relapsed or something else would stop me from relapsing. Even after just relapsing, my body is telling me to do it again. I get in a mindset of eff it this day is already ruined, but I need to mitigate this as much as possible. I really don't want quitting porn to become so central to my life, but while I was thinking that now, it already is because it sucks my motivation and time. I guess I have to focus on it for at least 90 days to get back to normal. I don't want to be stuck on this for years. I say that, yet I keep relapsing ha.

15
relapsed

16
Thanks for trying to help me out with this. Day 1 and Day 2 I had a lot of urges. Today is just okay. I am gonna get back to posting everyday because this helped when it was consistent.

17
I think I probably have the worst luck with getting sick. This is my third time getting sick in like 5 weeks. Now, it is the stomach flue and I am dying .

18
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/miscellaneous-resources/your-brain-in-the-cybersex-jungle-radio-show-archived-shows-2013-2014/

Can you ooen this link? Cant you open youtube at all? I got nearly all my informations from there.
Sadly can't access the podcasts. Youtube is completely blocked in China with a lot of other websites. It is not too bad in that regard because I don't have the instagram, youtube, reddit problems many guys I have. Right now, I just have a generalized association with the internet and porn that needs to be broken so everytime I am online i am not getting smacked with urges.

19
Relapsed this morning. Did not binge or edge. Just a quick thing. Probably should not have used it while i was tired will form more of an association. Not as depressed or upset if I don't edge. I can keep busy for three days and I get past the initial hump things get easier. Don't want to complain anymore.

20
If you commit to do absolutely anything to dont let that hapening, it wont.
Were all afraid, but dont let that crippling you. You know whats the right thing to do.

What also really helped me to deal with the urges, was to listen or watch podcasts or vids about porn addiction, especially interviews and presentations with gary wilson, also gabe deem and noah church.
Try this next time, when the urges become very strong.
I can't really watch vids being in China, but where are the podcasts? Right now, I am on day three and I keep getting big urges I don't know why.
What also really helped me to deal with the urges, was to listen or watch podcasts or vids about porn addiction, especially interviews and presentations with gary wilson, also gabe deem and noah church.
Try this next time, when the urges become very strong.

Yes, this works for the psychic. This addiction is all in the brain, that's where it comes from. It brainwashes our thoughts. It makes us feel like a relapse is what we want and need. It makes us feel that we are like this, that everything is not just withdrawal, that it's a part of us. We need to introduce new thoughts in our mind. What I like to do is watch videos with guys that are who I would like to be and then look at myself from their perspective: What would they say if they saw me edging to porn for hours? What would I say if I was that guy and saw myself do this? I watch the videos when it's hard and I tell myself: A guy like that doesn't edge to porn, I won't either.

In a lot of ways, porn destroys our pride.  Bingeing and relapsing right now is frustrating. I will probably not be on her for a few days. I want to stay off the computer for at least 3 days

21
Keep learning from you relapses, think about why you doing this, get yourself motivated and hopefull again and then get back on track.
2 weeks are great and the experiences you made, will help you for next time. Its not like super mario. You didnt fall back to level one.
You still watched probably less porn than any phase of your life.
Well, right now, I am in a better mindset than this last week. I really do appreciate the responses guys. At the moment, I just have a lot of fear that I will be struggling with this for my entire life.

22
I am not getting back on the horse. I relapsed. I started getting random urges from being on the computer. I gave into them because I was frustrated about this situation with a coworker. She thinks I cheated on a gf that I have been broken up with for over a month because she saw me walking with some girl. People have a tendency to gossip here. oh wait, that wasn't the trigger. The trigger was using this one search engine to look for a movie. It is basically the search engine I use for p. That triggered me hardcore. I need to stay off from that search engine. tomorrow, I am done. Glad, I know this trigger now.
Why I want to quit porn, depression, anxiety that results from the dopamine withdrawal. My suffering relationships. I feel more energy and more focus when I have not used p for at least a week. I overall just feel more confident and solid in my mindset when not looking at p. I am annoyed I relapsed today, but i really know why now. that search engine.

A big part of our recovery is identifying the triggers and avoiding them. You identified the trigger and this is great. Everybody has triggers and it might take a while until we find them all. Nowadays, my triggers are mostly emotional. Stuff like anxiety, depression, disappointment, loneliness etc. As porn has been my cope, when I experience discomfort, I get urges and craving for porn too.

I appreciate there responses. I think some of my frustration contributed to the relapse, but for the most part, I don't have that habit thankfully. I realized that being able to go almost two weeks even when things were stressful. I do have a strong association with p and the internet in general so I primarily just get urges being on the internet. I rarely get them outside of that.

23
I am not getting back on the horse. I relapsed. I started getting random urges from being on the computer. I gave into them because I was frustrated about this situation with a coworker. She thinks I cheated on a gf that I have been broken up with for over a month because she saw me walking with some girl. People have a tendency to gossip here. oh wait, that wasn't the trigger. The trigger was using this one search engine to look for a movie. It is basically the search engine I use for p. That triggered me hardcore. I need to stay off from that search engine. tomorrow, I am done. Glad, I know this trigger now.
Why I want to quit porn, depression, anxiety that results from the dopamine withdrawal. My suffering relationships. I feel more energy and more focus when I have not used p for at least a week. I overall just feel more confident and solid in my mindset when not looking at p. I am annoyed I relapsed today, but i really know why now. that search engine.

24
Its okay man, it happenes.

What was your thought process before it happend? What made you not even wanna try it?
Its important that you look at your relapses, to be prepared for it next time. I would even try to write it down here, because if you are able to verbalize it, it becomes more consciouss to you, than just thinking about it in your own head.
I remember that I was just like "fuck it" I am gonna do it why not. I was already angry about relapsing before and I started getting triggers from annoying ads. It was very much like I just gave up dealing with the problem at the moment. I knew what would have been a constructive response, but I ignored that and I decided I was just gonna give in.
When you think about the reasons, why to give up porn, you shoud try to not only find things you want to run away from (depression, anxiety), but also things to run towards to (relationships, happiness in career, other goals you want in your life, which are destroyed by porn...). They are often even more compeiling than the negative stuff.
When you think it might help, then write down a hole list, to look az at them the next time shit ia about to go down.

Well for me, I get depressed in response to porn. It literally makes me depressed afterwards. I am not really sad about anything in my life other than this addiction. I will have nightmares of relapsing. I feel like that my life is pretty good and my friends say that I probably just have the porn problem due to boredom, but it might be more related to the fact that I am neglecting my hobbies a lot. I guess if I am frustrated by something in my life is that I basically have no savings. I know a lot of people in my generation that have similar issues, but in a lot of ways, it makes me feel like I don't have a future. And I don't know about you guys, but I want a wife and kids. I also don't ever want to be still looking at porn when I am married or when I have children. Positive things without porn, my relationships drastically improve with people, sex is a hundred times better, I spend more time on my hobbies and developing myself whether that is improving my skill in drawing, piano, or fighting. I know porn stunts my growth as a person skills I could be developing and perfecting become neglected.

25
Relapsed again, didn't even try to stop it. Extremely depressed. I know I can do at least 13 days so I will head for that again. Though, I don't feel like doing it right now. Reasons for quitting porn, what I am feeling right now, sinking depression, brain fog, my head feels like a christmas tree bulb (actually quite unpleasant imo), I will have bad anxiety tonight too. Triggers chaser effect from sex. I don't want to stop sex but it does cause a chaser effect now. I feel rather ill after using. Not to mention, I lose interest in people. I have plans for new years, but I really don't want to go now. I just want to sit and be depressed. In some ways, I gave up today. That's what this feels like. I am tired, tired of this.

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