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Messages - k-fff

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still bingeing. ugh

I am annoyed with myself. I binged. Do I really want to go back to the cycle of a few days clean, relapse, another few days clean, then relapse. I knew when I got onto the computer that I was having serious urges. I had work to do, but I should have just done it on a work computer. That's what I need to remind myself of I feel horrible guilt and depression after using and I hate myself afterwards then a few days go by I am using again. Then the cycle repeats. Why is it I have no urges when someone is around. I hate that triggers for me are just simply being alone. Maybe, that is not wholly true, but I never get urges when someone was living with me, but now, I am constantly getting urges and I am giving in again. I am reminded of claws tearing at my brain. I spent this whole day essentially on porn. At least 4 hours worth, that edging is destroying my head and my head literally hurts afterwards. I don't want this. I hate this stuff and I hate myself after using. I am done with this after this. I am gonna get another month again and then 2 months. I don't have to give in this stuff and my urges are bullshit I don't have them by simply somebody being around so I shouldn't be sitting worrying about having them when I am alone because nothing has really changed. If I really wanted to look at porn, I could just take my phone and go into the bathroom, but I don't. I am irritated with myself.

Start of day 1 here, my head still feels quite off from the relapse yesterday and throughout the day yesterday, I kept getting urges to binge. I don’t know how long the relapse symptoms will last. I hope just a few days, but I have feeling it will be two weeks.

I have big headache now from that edging. Goddammit, it is the worst.

So  I relapsed. I would be more okay with it if I wasn't edging for like an hour because I kept going back in forth in my head this is not good. You need to stop. I am gonna try to write everything down here while I am feeling it. During, I felt the familiar rush of dopamine and the excitement breathing quick. Then that molds into sort of my face feeling extremely hot and sort of numb. It also feels almost like I am hurting my brain doing this. I don't feel good after and my face still feels very heated like a guy who has had too much to drink. I am not happy about this relapse,but right now I am in mode where I don't know how to treat it. I feel sad that this thing gained control again, but if this is the only relapse the rest of this month I will  be happy.

Possible triggers maybe mo'ing too much and pics that this girl I have been sleeping with sent. I think the combo of two sent me over the edge. It doesn't help I am depressed over my ex gf to an extant and I miss her, but right now, I feel like it was the pictures. They weren't even nude photos just her in a bikini set me off. It is important to notice before I went to do it I was telling myself look at nofap those situations will make you not want to relapse. It is depressing because I know that if I saw people's stories and their struggle with this it would turn me off instantly. Lately, I had been getting more urges than normal. I think the number 1 thing now I have to do is take care for these first few days I don't want to binge and even now, in the back of my head, my mind is telling me to do it again. I want to stop this because it numbs my emotions and severely decreases my desire for real girls. These are the main things I have noticed now since my last streak my emotions were so numb when pmo'ing constantly. I barely felt anything for other people. I just need to get back on the horse. I am confident I can do this now.

Hey, Jeks, yea, I can imagine a frequent urination problem is incredibly frustrating. Hopefully, it gets resolved soon and congrats on your continued successes. No matter what you have come a long way and that is something that you should be proud of.


The funny thing is for me what worked for me is having someone around me for the first 3 weeks. The reality is when I had a girl staying with me and later my friend most of my urges disappeared.  It makes me think a lot of pmo'ing was brought on by stress and just a generalized boredom. I say those two things, but I also think that the amount of isolation a lot of p users is under is what really feeds this addiction.  I think many more people would be able to overcome this if they had a friend group active in their life and not online supporting them and being there.

I couldnt agree more. When i first tried to reboot, me and my ex were still together and it was so easy sometimes, that i honestly doubted, that i was addicted. Two months after the break up i relapsed so bad and it took me around 5 months to get my current streak going. A huge help was a friend of mine reaching out for me, even when i tended to isolate myself. It was very important to have at least one person providing emotional support. I think it helps so much to have at least one person, who knows about your problem, so you have someone to talk to in real life.

Nice work man. Keep going.

Yea, definitely without a doubt. I think friend are the best for this sort of support instead of a gf or wife because it puts too much pressure on the relationship, but really having people around that you can rely on makes this a night and day difference.

Day 30 of no p and it is day 35 of no pmo and 0 of no MO.

I am happy I have gotten this far and I finally got to a month without p in my life. The funny thing is for me what worked for me is having someone around me for the first 3 weeks. The reality is when I had  a girl staying with me and later my friend most of my urges disappeared.  It makes me think a lot of pmo'ing was brought on by stress and just a generalized boredom. I say those two things, but I also think that the amount of isolation a lot of p users is under is what really feeds this addiction.  I think many more people would be able to overcome this if they had a friend group active in their life and not online supporting them and being there. I haven't counted mo'ing as a relapse because it was done to the memory of previous situations. I also had an MO habit for years long before p entered the picture so it is not nearly as connected to p compared to others. I had a really nutso dream about PMO'ing with all the feelings of pmo and I was absolutely exhausted after it. I assume this is normal and a lot of people have had  p dreams like that. Most of my urges lately have been coming at night when I am going to sleep in really obvious bouts. I hope when I am put under stress again instead of pmo'ing I do something else because lately to handle my stress I just wait until it subsides. It is a bit odd also maybe some complaining to friends. But I don't do anything active towards it. Right now, I think that is the biggest test is when I am under a lot stress how will I respond.

Uh, I never did this for any super powers, but I do think it was affecting my hair loss and we will see after 90 days how I feel, but overall, I would say p's biggest negative effect was the lack of impulse control that came with continued use. I would get angrier easier and make relationship decisions that were quite destructive. I also lost pretty much all my patience. These things are getting, but they are nowhere near a hundred percent. Brain fog is definitely reduced, anxiety is also. Depression will come and go and I think that is more of a result of my mind not being completely numbed by the edging and pmo'ing I was doing. I feel healthier than I have been feeling and I am definitely more productive on the fitness end and I made significant gains in musculature since I stopped.

I want to leave this stuff behind forever because it is not real. It is a fake interaction. It is something done through a computer screen. It is disturbing how much it would take control of me and I would end up in a trance lost for hours. It was like I couldn't tear myself away. I hate that I allowed it to do that to me so many times. I would spend hours on my computer like that.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Daily Journal
« on: June 08, 2020, 04:37:54 AM »
I just wanted to give you some encouragement and tell you not to let your ex keep you down. Women lack empathy for men completely and today’s day and age women have free-reign for treating men like crap. You should never try to confide in a woman for the most part. Most of them just do not care and will look down on you for the weakness. This might annoy some people, but it is the truth. But it is great that you are thinking ahead about future relationships and how p would definitely hurt them. P destroys love.

You will find your way easy around enough. Things are in English. Just watch out for scammers they are all over the airports. Especially taxi scams, many airports have taxis you can take directly from the airport. There is also the option of the subways both ways work. The transportation is relatively cheap overall.

hey k-fff,

i am so happy for you, that you made such a huge leap and to hear from you again.
Emotional numbness is a big one. Thats why i feel like a lot of people get depressive episodes, when they get to longer streaks. Its the first time they can actually feel sadness and deep emotional pain to the fullest, at least for me it felt like this. I also think its a sign for healing. Keep doing what you doing man.

It's nice to hear from  you to Jeks. I am ready to leave this trash behind and move on with my llife. Day 27 has just come to an end.

Day 26
Relatively uneventful day, I had a decent workout. I feel like I am in a severe flatline right now. I have zero sexual desire at all and I am a bit depressed. Signs that I am slowly healing. I worry about this upcoming month. I have a feeling things are gonna get very hard and painful. But I don’t want to ever go back to p. It destroyed a lot in my life at this point and I am lucky I didn’t develop PIED. I hate it so much. I hate how destructive it has been for so many men and their significant others. It should be outright banned. I am feeling somewhat optimistic about the workout progress and my strength training, but honestly, I miss home. I miss my friends, I miss my people. It wears on you being surrounded by foreign stuff everywhere even when you have a decent grasp of the language. It is just hard.  I feel empty lately and one thing I realized almost doing a month in February is how much P numbed my emotions. It made me dead inside. I couldn’t get too happy, but neither too sad. I am painfully aware of all the little wounds I have accumulated over these past 3 years and how much I have not really recovered from them and p has just been an anesthetic. I am still bleeding from a thousand cuts, but I couldn’t feel it. I remember when I used to cut the sharp paralyzing pain when causing a deep cut followed by a peace. Things are different now and I will fight for my future even though I am sad and hurt. I don’t want to escape the pain I will use it to move forward. There is nothing else but the next day of improvement. Apotheosis is everything.

I recommend changing money at a bank in France first and bringing it over on the flight. If you do it in the airport, there is a big fee and it is not worth it unless you absolutely have to. Mandarin, you really need to pay attention to pronunciation; it is a big deal to the Chinese. I also recommend the hsk books those are a great start. I am not sure how they are dealing with incoming foreigners from abroad right now. When do you plan on coming? If you were coming to Beijing, I could help you out more. Shenzhen is a little more relaxed as far as I know.

As for as I know about the CCP with this sort of thing, I think it depends on the country you are coming from. And they will most likely put you into quarantine in a hotel. Again, I am not sure what is going on with the border right now. For instance a lot of people cannot come back in even though they have residence permits because they are in a different country. They have been saying not till October that they will start letting foreigners in.

I am an American living in China at the moment. My plan here is to compete in kickboxing, but the pandemic has changed all of that. I hope we can all get through this and become stronger. Wish all the best for you and France.

Day 25
I am happy to note that even though my roommate was gone all day and I was incredibly lazy today. I  had no urges for porn or any relapses. I have urges now and again to touch myself to some memories of sexual encounters that I have had, but I stop myself because I feel like MO'eing gives me a bad chaser effect that doesn't go away until a week. I want to quit porn because I don't want to be caught in an endless cycle of focusing on this problem streak, relapse, streak, relapse ad nauseam. I want to be happier and healthier. I know porn causes severe mood swings and always makes me severely depressed followed by extreme anxiety that lasts for hours. It drains hours and days of  my life just spent in front of a computer screen destroying me mentally. I am happy about this streak and I have no desire to stop anytime soon. I am waiting for a big uptick in urges again because the last time I hit a month was 3 years ago.

Where are you from? France or?

Day 24
I am happy to note that I have been continuing with my streak. I looked back over my previous journals and honestly, it hurts a lot in a way. I feel like porn had such control over me and it still does to an extant. I don't really think about porn much anymore. I have a friend living with me in my apartment and I am glad to say even when he leaves and I am here alone I don't have any urges. The last time I "O"ed was 6 days ago and the last time I mo'ed was 5 days ago. I don't know if the orgasming is setting back my progress at all, but it  helps to avoid p. I am writing here now because I want to remind myself why I want to stop this awful habit. It causes severe mood swings in me. It will cause me be depressed right after followed by extreme anxiety the rest of the day often leading into a lack of sleep. I can really tell it messed up my dopamine system by the way my head feels after a long use. I even feel my head feel strange during sex. I wonder when that will get back to normal. I have severe brain fog after using. I also will binge for hours one time I am ashamed to admit in March I binged for 8 hours literally edging for 8 hours. I can't believe I did that and I don't know what kind of damage that did to my brain. But god, sometimes I hate women. As I was typing this a girl calls me trying to get me horny by watching her in the shower. My head already feels slightly foggy from just that small interaction I told her to move the camera away from her and she did so I am happy about that. I ended up hanging up anyway though. I want to avoid all things that remind me of p.

Thanks quit, I appreciate the response. I am on day 16 now. I am excited to be finally reaching a month. I can't wait to put this terrible addiction behind me. It ruined my most serious relationship and definitely turned me into a bit of a sex-crazed nut. I hate that. I don't want to be controlled by my dick. I am excited to leave this behind because of all the horrible concentration problems I have with it and the mood swings. I get enormously depressed and anxious after using. I want to move on with my life and I feel like this addiction has wasted 3 years of it in a lot of ways. Maybe, I am not giving myself enough credit, but I feel that it is wasted so much of my time and I accomplished so little. This pandemic is giving me a chance to restart things.

Day 9
I realize having sex gives me a bad chaser effect and that has led to relapses in the past. Also, I get serious brain fog after any O. When this girl finally leaves my apt, I am gonna try to go for a 90 day hard mode reboot. I think my brain really needs it with all the edging I have done.

Day 5 I ended up edging for 30 minutes browsing through porn sites. I was able to stop myself though which I am really happy about. Now I am on day 7; I won't reset my counter because of that edging because the more I stop myself from bingeing or edging for hours the better I will feel. I got triggered hard that time from an advertisement. I like anime so whenever I go to watch they will sometimes have shitty adverts which will cause urges. Even before then, I think me feeling so pumped up and full of energy from a good workout also contributed to the slight relapse. My goal for May is to make a month happen. I want to get rid of this because I can feel it causing anxiety and messing with my brain. I have also noticed I am more quick to make bad decisions because of my use. I can feel my head light up like a christmas tree when I use and I always have severe withdrawals after using. I don't  want to continue this because it takes up a bunch of my time and i don't want to do anymore damage to my body than I already have. I am looking forward to a month. I expect urges to hit again around day 12-13 and day 21-23. I am gonna make a point to keep busy on those days to avoid using.

Day 1 yesterday, no urges. I coded some and played video games. Not much going on.

It has been awhile since posting here. In February, I went 22 days porn free and then relapsed. March and April have been total disasters and I had some of the worst edging sessions I have ever had in those months. The day before yesterday I almost allowed myself to be scammed online and I knew it was due to my porn use. I relapsed today and this month I have already relapsed twice. I figure posting here will me get back to one week consistently. I am gonna try to do once a week use for a month than extend it to two weeks. I am deciding to do this because my bingeing is terrible and how I got off anxiety medication was from a taper. I am hoping I can do the same with porn.

Relapsed again. Did not sleep well at all got too hungry. I am mess lately and idk what to do.

Everything came to head recently. Vacation was bad. I binged. I don't know what I want or what I am looking for anymore. Ending things completely with my ex swept out a large amount of emotional support I had in China. I have other friends  here, but right now, they are all on vacation. I should have went with them instead of visiting someone I don't even know anymore. I noticed now that for me, periods of extreme loneliness and boredom are my main triggers. I feel so empty right now and my relationship with my ex in part was destroyed because of my porn use. She hates herself because I want other girls with also hating me. i can't say I blame her. I guess it is poetic justice that the girl I had a fling with is now with someone else and other girls have started dating other people. I want to break this habit. I just chose to relapse today out of a sense of boredom and mindless pleasure seeking. Lately, I have not been able to escape myself. For the rest of this month long holiday, which I have squandered 3 days of already. I am going to spend on beating this addiction. I am gonna make myself a schedule and make it harder for me to reach porn. I have to hope now because I don't have anything in this country anymore all I can do is push forward for myself.

Relapsed again. shit was not prepared for those urges came all of a sudden on the computer. No bingeing. I guess stress is still a trigger. Even though, I wasn't thinking I will go home and relapse. No wait, it came from pictures and ads on a website that I was not expecting shit.

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