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Messages - HumbleRich

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1
Porn Addiction / Re: Objectifying Women
« on: May 18, 2019, 01:38:09 PM »
I forgot to mention that in an alternative reality where erotic media did NOT exist, the focus would be on the EXPERIENCE of sex, rather than obtaining the object or woman. 

Rather than sexuality being a game where someone wins, it would be an experience of attraction, initiation, and equal engagement between two people on an equal footing.

To sum up my point of view

1.  Religion makes sex bad and blames women.

Women are taught that they excite men.  Men are told that it is bad that women excite them.  Women are told it is their fault and they need to act to stop men from being excited by them.

This insanity leads to 2.

2.  Banning sex leads to porn as a substitution.

Because teenagers are told that sexuality is bad, their natural attraction to the opposite sex leads them to porn.

3.  Porn makes them see those they are attracted to as objects. 

When you watch porn or look at erotic images, you quite literally objectify the individual.  They are a photo or image.  Yow OWN them.

4.  The mind generalizes this feeling of ownership to the real women men interact with.

Men feel that they are entitled to the women they are attracted to and are owed sex.



Alternative world without porn and erotica

1.  People are sexual and are attracted to other people.

2.  Teenagers are forced to enact their sexuality with real people.  I do not support underage sex. This means that they date, kiss, make out with, and engage in their sexuality with others in mutually consensual exchanges.  Because of this, men learn what consent is.  They look for consent in exchanges and sexuality is automatically aligned with consent.  You can’t be sexual without consent.

3.  Women are seen as people, even when you are attracted to them.

4.  Men do not see women as objects, and can take rejection.  because women are not objects, it doesn’t disgrace a man’s manhood to be rejected..

5.  Men want to engage with enthusiastic partners and so they seek relationships with women they are attracted with.

There you go.  The world may not have been perfect without porn, but I imagine many of the problems we have in society would not have been problems without porn.

Rich

2
Porn Addiction / Re: Objectifying Women
« on: May 18, 2019, 01:20:44 PM »
Wow, this is a really long thread now.

Before I begin, I want to say that I only feel comfortable talking from a heterosexual man’s point of view.  I assume that the following is the same for women, but I cannot guarantee that, so I don’t aim to generalize.

My two cents is that porn and erotic media lead to the objectification of women.  Real life does NOT.  What I mean by that is that I draw a very thick line between noticing beauty and sexiness and obsessing over it or living through it.

As someone who reads and works with science every day, I believe that humans are sexual creatures.  We do desire the opposite sex and want to procreate.  Basically, being attracted to members of the opposite sex is natural.

Ogling and unnatural staring is something different.  It is acquired through consuming media.  Natural glances are seconds long, subtle, and do NOT separate the personhood of the person being looked at from the sexiness.  Ogling does.

All of that to say that I feel that society’s stance against teenage sexuality is the root, which leads young men and women to porn, which hijacks their sexualities and makes actual sexuality problematic.

I would have preferred it if I had never seen porn.  EVER.  It ruined my ability to associate with women and to manage my sexuality.

Not being brought up with porn means that a heterosexual boy or man is attracted to WHOLE women.  Yes, they are attracted to women because they have breasts, vaginas, and nice behinds.  Biologically, that is what drives them towards women.  But this natural biological attraction is tied to the personhood of the individual.

So, yes, the woman a man is attracted to may have started as an object, but in interacting with said woman, the man sees her as a subject, as equal.

The subject hood of the woman then reinforces her equal footing.  Without erotic media, the only way a man can live out his sexuality is by respecting the women he engages with sexually.  Make sense? 

More than that, I imagine that there would be no objectification in the first place.  We men naturally want to be desired by those we desire, so objectification the way we see it in our world makes no sense whatsoever.  Neither does the abuse of those that we desire.  It is the result of a status quo that objectifies women.  Not of natural sexual desire.

I can imagine an alternative reality where I never consumed or ever saw porn.  I would have had natural crushes and maybe even dated in my early teens.  I would have made out with those crushes or maybe petted.’

Again in this alternative reality the only way anyone would be able to be sexual is through consent.

I would get to college, have sex and enjoy it.  I wouldn’t have objectified my sexual partners, but would have seen sex as the amazing experience it is, between two people.

That reality was stolen from me by an industry that wants to own men and take advantage of natural sexuality for financial gain.

End porn now.

Rich

3
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 18, 2019, 12:26:15 PM »
Shitty: that is in a word how I feel mentally and emotionally today.  I am going through drama with family, but I won’t get into that at the moment.  I don’t know if I would be dealing with everything so well if I weren’t sober.  Our marriage has been better in the past seven days of abstinence from alcohol than in the past months.  I notice a difference in myself, and we have even discussed having sex again once we move to our new apartment in June that has thicker walls (her worry more than mine).  I feel like some form of normality has come into our lives.  Even as we deal with my narc. Mother.  More on that later.

So, checking in

Abstinent of:
PMO: 7/90
ALCOHOL: day 7

I have been going to AA meetings almost every day this week *=(except for the day before yesterday (Thursday) when we stayed at my Grandparent’s when we brought their car back.  I feel that I will continue going to meetings every day next week, but will reduce it to two or one meetings a week following that. 

I am feeling more empowered as I try to control the world less.  Looking forward to things more.  Next week is our wedding anniversary.  Three years.  They aren’t what they could have been (had I been sober), but this woman is the love of my life and I don’t regret a second with her.

Be back tomorrow.

Rich

4
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 16, 2019, 10:14:52 PM »
Checking out

Abstinence:
PMO: 5/90
Alcohol: Day 5

Rich

5
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 14, 2019, 08:55:36 PM »
Checking out

Abstinence
PMO: 3/90
Alcohol: Day 3

Rich

6
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 12, 2019, 05:32:49 PM »
Checking in on the day after.  I missed an AA meeting because I went to the wrong address.  The next AA meeting is at 8:15, so I will be leaving for that at around 7:45 pm.  I actually look forward to the meeting and working on my alcoholism.  Yep, Malando, my behavior last night definitely was against my vows.  But I blame the alcohol.  When I drink I turn into a different person, or a much worse version of myself.  AA meeting tonight.  I think that in concert with my work here at Reboot Nation I will start to see considerable improvement.

Going to keep track of all of my sobriety dates on here, so:

Abstaining from PMO/Erotica: Day 1/90
Abstaining from alcohol: Day 1
Abstaining from candy/soda (helps me to stay sober of alcohol): Day 1/90

Rich

7
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 12, 2019, 12:35:27 AM »
Most of the time I try to leave room in my journal to let the facts speak for themselves.  I don’t try to hide the unpleasantness.  I don’t write poetics.  But tonight, I truly feel like I can’t fall too much harder than I did tonight.  I can’t find the words to express how difficult this journey will become when I wake up tomorrow.  Facing all my demons at once.  Fighting all of my addictions at the same time.  It will be the hardest thing I have ever done.

There is a silver lining, perhaps.  I have finally realized that “cheap” thrills can numb me for a few minutes.  They can occupy me for a bit.  But they can’t substitute for what’s real.  Alcohol, the warmth of a woman’s flesh.  I see now that none of it can substitute for real life.  If for nothing else, I feel like I have at least realized that touching other women won’t solve my problems or make me feel better.  I am thankful that I didn’t have to cheat to find this out.  I hate that this happened tonight.  But tomorrow is a new day.

No more drinking.  No more PMO

Rich

8
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 12, 2019, 12:20:01 AM »
............and then it all fell apart.  Checking in.  I didn’t PMO, at least not initially, but did something much worse.  I was away hiking today, stopped to get a beer, and then came back to town.  I had to go to the store for some things.  I then went to another bar near home and got tipsy.  I then came home, got into a fight with my wife over drinking, and then left.  But I didn’t go to drink more...I went to a strip club.  I ended up spending two hundred dollars there that I wish I could get back.  Needless to say, I will never tell my wife about this.  EVER!  She does not need to know.  For all she knows, I went to have a few more beers before coming back.

What does this tell me?  That I obviously can’t improve one vice while allowing others.  I have resisted it for as long as I could, but it is time to quit drinking too.  I have to discuss the drinking with my wife now.  I get to look forward to that tomorrow morning.

I see now what drinking does to me and I don’t want to drink anymore.

I obviously need to restart the clock.  At least starting from scratch will be more honest.  Tomorrow will be the start of a much harder reboot from pmo, alcohol, and now erotic entertainment.

Rich

O/90

9
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 11, 2019, 07:23:28 PM »
Checking in on day 54/90. 

Rich

10
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 06, 2019, 09:21:43 PM »
Checking in on day 49/90.  I am officially farther in this journey than I have ever been before.  It feels good.  Let’s go over the positive first.  I feel more confident and my confidence is growing every day.  I have more self control than I have had in a long, long time.  I have more control of myself in public and when interacting with people.  I no longer have the urge to ogle women.  I can take glances without staring, etc.  It is no longer a big deal to notice good looking people.  The guy who got fired for leering at women on the job, among other things, seems like a distant memory.  Now I have complete control of myself and that feels good. 

And now for the difficulties: I do feel cravings rising a bit.  I have noticed now, as I approach 50 days, my mind will occasionally scream: “I wanna see tits”!  The old pathways pop up every once in a while, but I always just walk away.  I am feeling more control, but also know that I always have to be mindful.

That’s all for the moment.  Will check in tomorrow.

Rich

11
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 05, 2019, 02:58:42 PM »
Checking in on day 48/90.  About to go out.  Have a great day everyone!

Rich

12
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 02, 2019, 06:51:55 PM »
Checking in on day 45/90
Day 5 without mb

Rich

13
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: April 29, 2019, 05:01:34 PM »
Quick post before I get to studying for the rest of the evening.  First of all, I am not going to give myself a hard time for being attracted to women around me.  I have no impulse at all to do anything about it.  I am working on my marriage, and am only interested in my wife.  I don’t know why my hormones are running so wild, but it is nothing that sex with my wife can’t fix.  Speaking of which, I have felt my sex drive grow just in these two days of not masturbating.  I had no idea two days could make such a difference.  I have no idea what a week will feel like.  To sum everything up.  Nothing wrong with looking.  I am finding myself more and more attracted to my wife, and I am more interested in sex than I was last week.  I still do not feel ready for sex yet.  I unconsciously gave myself erections this morning before waking up.  I am going to stop even doing that from here on out to see if I don’t start seeing more efficient erections as a result.  I would like to start feeling something going on by just looking at my wife, and definitely want touch to start making it happen as well.

I feel like I am making progress.  It feels good to be interested in women again in a more active manner, if that makes sense.  My sexuality is less of a creeper, computer lens type of sexuality and more of an attraction to the female form that feels more natural.

Again, I have no plans to cheat, no interest in cheating on my wife.  I feel like my attraction to women around me is just the natural result of an extended time away from porn and a result of a ban on masturbation.

That’s all for now.

Day 42/90
Day 2 without mb

Rich

14
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: April 28, 2019, 06:03:31 PM »
Thanks, Pornhealth.  I already do intermittent fasting, giving up dinner six days a week (I allow myself to have dinner with my wife one day a week).  I am trying to get more committed to this as we move from vacation mode to real ordinary life.  I need to get exercising.  I would love to do strength training, but would prefer not to join a gym, at least not until I have gotten a job (which should happen within this next month).  So, lots of push ups, crunches, and other things that I can do at home.  I will put your suggestions into good use.

I am interrupting my teaching indoctrination (studying) to write a quick update.  I hate that I have to memorize incorrect, unsubstantiated ideas like learning styles (no scientific evidence), to left brain/right brain hemisphericity (disproved decades ago).  Seriously, some of the stuff from my text book is from books written in the sixties and seventies.  Piaget would not have been taken seriously if he wrote today, as almost all of his ideas are based on studying his own children (talk about small sample size).

But I have to take it in stride.  Studying the next two and a half days before my next exam (professional education).

I am already feeling the effects of not allowing myself to masturbate after a day.  It feels like I have so much pent up energy already.  And also it makes it a lot easier to deal with being surrounded by hot women all the time, if I know that I cannot reap the rewards later.  Yes, it feels annoying in the moment.  But just knowing that I will not get hits of dopamine from the experience of looking at women, except for the actual act of looking, changes the experience. 

I feel like I am not yet ready to be sexual yet.  Fortunately, my wife is not rushing me.  I do not know yet whether the sexual energy I feel is enough to do well in the bedroom, and I still worry about not performing in the bedroom like I have the last few times we had sex.  It gets embarrassing and annoying to have to get myself hard.

I hope that simply eliminating masturbation is the next step to reconnecting getting an erection to appreciating my wife.  At least, that is what I think will happen.  I am getting into unexplored territory.

But it is also important to take a look at the difference I have made.  I am 41 days clean of pornography, erotic imagery, and daily masturbation.

Last week I masturbated twice.  I am cutting back on that.  I still feel lust for other women besides my wife, but I feel that getting rid of the rewarding activity (masturbating) will help me reconnect with my wife.

That’s all for now,

Day 41/90

Rich

15
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: April 26, 2019, 04:49:41 PM »
Checking in.  I have been very busy guys.  Saw EndGame last night.  It was amazing!  Besides that, I do need to admit to masturbating twice this week to mental images of women I saw IRL this week.  Although I am doing a soft reboot, I do want to be very careful about this.  I am cognizant of the fact that too much of the wrong type of masturbating could be very bad for when my wife and I do start to rebuild our sex life (my wife has said that she is waiting until I have fixed various things, which is fair).  I am also focused on fixing areas of health, such as losing weight, before being sexually active again.  So, this coming week I am definitely going to put on the brakes on masturbating.  When I do masturbate I am going to try to do long sessions to build up stamina. 

I shouldn’t forget to praise and reward myself for not going back to porn and compulsive masturbation after being surrounded by temptation in this new environment.  Another reason to avoid masturbation: I don’t want to restart compulsive masturbation.

That is all for now.  Back to studying

Day 40/90

Rich

16
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: April 25, 2019, 12:27:55 PM »
Thanks, man!  At the public library studying, so this is just a count update.  A more elaborate update will come later today or maybe tomorrow.  Checking in on day 39/90.

I’ll be back later,

Rich

17
Ages 30-39 / Re: 35 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« on: April 23, 2019, 01:24:44 PM »
D&O,

Have you seen a doctor about your symptoms?  I don’t understand how you have done all of this rebooting (both hard mode, soft mode, and permanent avoidance of porn) and not seen any benefits.  Getting rid of porn should have reset your mind to factory settings, Ie. attraction to real women.  Long periods of time without masturbation should have helped.  What’s going on?  If you have to masturbate once in a while, that should be fine. 

Rich

18
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: April 23, 2019, 01:18:35 PM »
Back from the Pearson Testing Center, so I might as well post an update.  The results of the General Knowledge Test: English: Pass, Essay: completed (it needs to be graded), math: fail, Reading: fail.  I was expecting to fail math as it is by far my worst subject, but reading took me by surprise.  No time to feel down, as I have professional education next week!  Passing the English subtest means I won’t have to take it again.  Same for the essay, if I pass.  Nothing to it but to register to take reading and math again 31 days from now.  I will see how I do on my next two tests: professional ed and Earth Science, to see if I am going to continue on.  It might not be worth it if I fail too many.  But keeping my chin up.

Marriage is doing better.  We had a big fight on Saturday, but since then I have really collected myself and am looking after my responsibilities and let go of a lot, realizing I don’t get to control everything.  The results of this exam have been humbling as well.

This reboot is shooting forward.  It stays relatively the same.  I am still having trouble with lust in the outside world.  Pushing forward.

Rich

Day 37/90

19
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: April 22, 2019, 12:22:07 AM »
Checking out on Day 36/90.

Good night, folks

Rich

20
Just to clarify here,

I am not advocating that parents must all believe the same thing, or that they should necessarily advocate any particular positions on sex.  What I am saying is that teenagers should be educated on how their bodies, and those of others, work, and how to practice safe sex, including sex without intercourse, rather than being taught abstinence.  Teenagers are going to try to have sex anyway.  They might as well learn how to do it safely and how to not get pregnant.

If I could do my life all over again, I would have started having sex at eighteen and never watched my first porn video.  I would have been more well adjusted, would know more about pleasing a woman than I do, and would be less sexist than I am.

We need to change our priorities.

Rich

21
First of all, OP stop trying to save the world.  I know what it is like to have these AHA moments early on when you start to figure things out, but unfortunately the world doesn’t work that way.  You have to have personal victories first, before you can have public victories.  I think it was Steven Covey who said that.  But anyway, you have to succeed at rebooting first, before you can be the teacher.  Something I have had to learn the hard way.

On the topic, though, if I could go back I would have gotten laid as soon as I got into university, or late high school.

Our culture has it completely backwards.  Actual sex, the experience, is frowned upon, while the objectify of sex and women, is pushed towards us as a substitute.

You can’t engage in sex with a living, breathing human being as an eighteen year old boy or girl, but you CAN go and buy a penthouse magazine, or more commonly these days, go to a porn website and masturbate yourself to orgasm.

Think about that for a second.  Really think about that.

Actual sexual engagement, on an equal footing, with another person.  WRONG.  Objectifying and reducing an entire sex of people (women).  Not only RIGHT, but a fair and decent way to make money.

You don’t learn anything from masturbating to porn.  Only that it is okay and acceptable to objectify women.

Sex, on the contrary, requires interaction between two people, and, if you want to maintain a relationship with a woman, figuring out how to make her feel good.

Our society has it backwards.

We should teach safe sex practices and encourage our teenagers to have sex (when they are of legal age).  They will be less sexist and misogynistic, more empathetic to the needs of women, and better able to sustain healthy relationships with women.

All pluses in my book.  I expect that if I got into a time machine and stopped myself from watching my first porn video, and actually went out on dates and had sex instead, I would have ended up a much healthier and happier person.

Sorry about writing so much.  That is my two cents.  And I think it relates to what the OP was talking about.

Peace,

Rich

22
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: April 18, 2019, 03:51:36 PM »
I really need to get to studying immediately as it is late in the afternoon, so this is going to be quick.  First of all, you all can expect more updates (possibly daily) as I went to the Apple Store and got myself a cheap keyboard for my iPad.  It is much easier and less annoying to write things on my IPad now.  Yippee!!! 

So, a few things in this post. 

My hormones are out of control.  I don’t know if it is just moving to Tampa, where there are good looking women everywhere, or if my brain is just missing the hits of dopamine, or both.  But it is going crazy.  I did mention in an earlier post that in Korea it was relatively easy for me to reboot, from an external stimulation point of view, because I am not especially attracted to Korean women.  Well, I guess I have landed in my zone because there are good looking women everywhere.

If I were single, I would be loving it, but I am not.  Why am I so drawn in by good looking women?  I’m married.  I am almost embarrassed to write about this because I feel like I am 18 again. 

On the rebooting front, it is getting more difficult again.  Maybe I am falling into a dip or valley.  But all that means is I must be headed for a peak. 

That is about all for now. 

Day 33/90

Rich

23
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: April 16, 2019, 12:45:01 PM »
Checking in on day 31/90.  Cruising along.  I am not having much difficulty,
probably because of how busy my wife and I are with getting to know the city that will be our home for the next few years.  I am, however, having trouble with lust here in Tampa.  I have noticed my eyes wandering, checking out women around me.  Looking is one thing, but I am wary that my mind could easily move on into fantasies.  This tells me I need to continue my mindfulness practice.  Everything is going fairly well.

More later,

Rich

31/90

24
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: April 14, 2019, 09:12:32 PM »
Checking out on 29/90.

Rich

25
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: April 13, 2019, 08:42:31 PM »
Checking in on day 28/90.  Have arrived in Tampa.  Moved into the AirBNB. 

Rich

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