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Messages - HumbleRich

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1
Porn Addiction / Re: Free Three!
« on: Today at 12:47:17 AM »
Hey all,

Alexthenotsogreat, I hear ya.  I don't know how old you are, but I can definitely relate to what you are saying, especially when I think about beginning this journey years ago, (on another support board), when I was 18 or 19 and starting college. 

A few things:

Please don't comfuse sexual desire for a woman you like with lust or porn.  It isn't the same thing.  You should have  sexual feelings for women you date, otherwise what js the point.  Don't be creepy about jt and don't mame sleeping with  them the goal.  But by all means, allow yourself to feel and process these emotions.

Secondly, but relating to what I said above.  Living porn free should be your goal, and it is aligned with a healthy sexual life.  I strongly disagree with many on this board who talk about avoiding sex in this journey.  I think that largely misses the point.  What you want is a healthy, vibrant social and love life.  The two: no porn and sex are connected, not opposite. 

Stop watching porn and stop masturbating, but by all means ask out girls you like.  That is the whole point, afterall. 

Just my two cents.

Rich

2
Ages 30-39 / Re: Reboot...
« on: Today at 12:35:25 AM »
Hey bud,

Yeah, I think you have got the idea concerning noticing women around you.  As a recovering addict and a married man, I don't give myself a hard time when I notice attractive women.  I am only human, afterall.  But I do differentiate between noticing good looking women and having sexual thoughts about them.  The latter is a big no no, amd let's me know that I have  started back into hypersexual, porn based thinking.  It is one thing to think, gee she is pretty, sexy, etc.  It is another thing to think about having sex with her.  It seems like you're on a roll.  Keep up the good work.

Rich

3
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: Today at 12:27:59 AM »
Sorry for being gone so long everyone.  Checking in on day 8/90 today.  Getting tired of being home alone on the week days.  My contract has been finished for two weeks now and I finished my last day on campus cleaning last week.  I am anxious to begin our journey back home now.  It is day 8 and I am starting to feel the pressure.  But I better get used to jt.  I don't want to give in now.  I especially want to get some real time in now while I am in Asia, because I don't feel strong attraction to women here.  That isn't to say that Korean women aren't pretty, but I never really got the strong affinity westerners have for them.  When I get back to the US I will be back to being surrounded by women I find much more attractive.  I stick by my marriage vows and don't see anything going on in that way, but I am afraid that being around western women will make the urge to let off the tension through porn that much harder to resist.  I don't know if that makes sense or not.  I am  busy doing chores and then I need to study.  I have considered the changes I hwve to make.  It is time to act my age.  Past time.  So I am thinking on what my wkfe has told me needs to change.  And putting those changes into.action.  i am optimistic. Getting off my phone  now. 

Will be back later,

Rich

 8/90

4
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 22, 2019, 10:14:07 AM »
Clarification.  I just saw that it is 12 am, so I have completed four days clean.  Going to ned.  Tomorrow morning will be the start of the fifth day. 

Rich

5
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 22, 2019, 10:12:07 AM »
Checking out on what the dates say is day 5/90.  It is late, so I won't write a whole post tonight .  Everything is going well.  My wife  and I are getting along well.  Everything  is fine.

Be back tomorrow

Rich

5/90

6
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 20, 2019, 09:08:12 PM »
Checking in on the morning of day 2/90.  Feeling very sexually frustrated, but I know that is the feeling of challenging myself and that that drive is very beneficial for when I am healthy again.  Home alone, as I moved out if the dorm room yesterday.  Cleaning and studying today. 

Will be back later to confirm that I have completed the day clean.

Rich

2/90

7
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 19, 2019, 07:58:19 PM »
Checking in on a new day.  Good day so far,  today.   My wife has not forgiven me yet, but I did not expect her to.  But we are talking and I understand enough that I hhave a chance to fix our marriage by fixing myself.  I am going to start watching what I eat, going to start exercising, and doing my part in the house.  Not to mention two showers a day in these hot, humid summers that are coming up.

As far as this reboot, this morning’s practice fit perfectly.

From the Lotus Sutra:

“5,000 arhats and  nuns stood up and left the assembly. Owing to the principle of good which there is in pride they imagined having attained what they had not, and having understood what they had not”

That is me in a nutshell.

“Thereupon the Lord (Buddha) addressed the venerable Sariputra: My congregation, Sariputra, has been cleared from the chaff, freed from the trash; it is firmly established in the strength of faith.”

Those who think themselves endowed with wisdom, who ha e not done the work, will surely fail.

And lastly,

“It is not by reasoning, Sariputra, that the law is to be found: it is beyond the pale of reasoning, and must be learnt from the Tathagata.”

I keep trying to think my way out of things, when what I need to do is the hard work.  That is true of my marriage, of my career, and of this reboot.

I will meditate on this today and put it into action.

Rich

1/90





.

8
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 19, 2019, 08:37:23 AM »
Thanks, Malando.  I agree.  I don’t have a computer.  I turned my work lap top in.  I have this IPad (which has restrictions), and an Android phone (which doesn’t.  I don’t know what I can do about that until we move to the States.  I try to leave it in another room.

Thanks for the support.

Rich


9
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 19, 2019, 08:34:11 AM »
Tired of being a pussy.  It is time to man up.  I don’t know why I got depressed a year or so ago.  I don’t know what started this rut, but it is time to fight for my marriage. 

I got home about two hours ago.  I finished the left over chores.  My wife and I didn’t speak, but we didn’t argue either, and she seemed receptive.

No more passive crap.  I have been reflecting my Father, but good husband he is not.  My father in law is much better.  From now o I will ask myself what he would do.  It is time to be a good husband.

Rich

10
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 19, 2019, 01:46:33 AM »
I just pmoed.  I acknowledge it was a decision I made, though it was not premeditated.  At this point, I feel I was just going along with the rest of my life in a downward spiral.  My marriage is in tatters.  My wife has  several grievances including my hygeine, and my active part in cleaning the house, and money management.  These are grievances she has  had for a long time, and they are fair.  I feel like my back is against the wall.  I don't mean to justify this pmo, but I have  finally realized that my wife is on the verge of leaving for reasons besides porn.  It has finally hit me.  There is nothing romantic or grand about it.  In the coming days, weeks, I need a massive turn around.  I just hope I habe the means to do it.  Before we get back to the States and she chooses what she wants.

But this pmo is exactly my problem.  I too easily fall lff the path.  I do what is easy, rather than the right thing.  I don't  know if I am going to save my marriage, but I am going to try.  This pmo was wrong either way.

I will.start fresh tomorrow.

Rich

0/90




11
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 18, 2019, 08:23:34 PM »
Hello everyone, 

Checking in on day 3.  I've got one thing to say: screw social culture!  Just screw it all.  Who needs it?  I got rid of social media long ago, stopped watching news.  That felt amazing.  I watch tv every with my wife, and will see some of that social culture.  At this point, it often repels me more than anything.  The utter desperation of women having to put their tits in your face is just revolting to me now.

It has been a couple of days since I have done my Buddhist practice.  Vacation has kind  of messed up my schedule.  But I will get back to it.

I am feeling  good.

An interesting thing happened after a political argument with my wife last night, though.  Suddenly I thought, what am I doing?  Why do I care about any of this?  Here I have a wife, I have had some solid years of work  in South Korea, going back to America where I have prospects.  Why do I let politics upset me?  Who cares?

I understand why my wife cares.  As a feminist and a woman, she cares about her status at home.  But for me, I don't get anything out of it.  If anything politics was causing division in my marriage.  So, I deleted every political book on my Kindle app (they were all samples) and am determined not to comsume any political media at all.

I will always support my wife in how she feels and acts.  Even better now, I feel, as I let go of the partisanship and just support my wife.  But I don’t  need all of that nonsense in my life.

So that is everything.  Cleaning the dorm room.  Have to have all of my stuff out of it by tomorrow.  Then back home.  My work contract is finished, so I am helping finish final preparations for our move. 

That is everything.

Peace all.

Rich

3/90

12
Ages 30-39 / Re: Patto’s had enough - Day 1 and counting
« on: March 18, 2019, 08:11:22 PM »
Are you still here, Patto?  The best thing you can do is just to remove sex culture from your life completely.  That means removing obscenely sexual movies, reality tv shows that put women in your  face, and other stuff like that.  Just because people are  making this crap, it doesn't mean you have to consume it.

You have  a wife, man.  A woman  who has signed up for a life with you.  The social world says you should want/need more.  Forget about it.  You have abe a wife , a kid. 

Live your life, not someone else's.

Keep up the good work

Rich

13
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 17, 2019, 07:40:18 AM »
Checking out on day 1/90.  Good so far.

Rich

1/90


14
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 16, 2019, 09:05:48 AM »
Completely fell off the wagon, tonight.  Got in an argument with my wife, got drunk, then I got back home and acted out with porn and got in a sex chat room.  Luckily sex chat rooms suck these days and there are no real people these days, just cam girls.  I don’t feel good about any of the, but honestly I need to figure myself out.  My wife and I are moving back to the US in less than a month , so this reboot is going to happen whether an am ready or not.  Time to go to bed. 

Rich

0/90

15
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 15, 2019, 08:52:04 PM »
Checking in on the morning of day 2/90.  When I woke up I felt a sensation of euphoria.  I don’t know what that is about.  But it felt good.  I just knew everything was going to be okay.  I knew I was going to achieve this ethical, pure life because it is what I want.  Needless to say, this reboot will take a lot of work, but it felt good to be positive for a change.. 

More later.

Rich

2/90

16
Ages 30-39 / Re: FlyPhoenix Journal
« on: March 14, 2019, 03:18:28 AM »
Loving Mary, as long as there is love and passion in the relationship (potential or enacted) it can always be fixed.  I know  what it is like to feel resentment.  But try to get passed it.  Stephen Covey said that love is a verb first, a feeling second.  I hope this helps.  Keep up the good work.

Rich

17
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 14, 2019, 03:13:51 AM »
Almost finished three whole days, but nope, I just pmoed.  The good news is putting restrictions on my Ipad worked.  I couldn't access porn  on it and knowing that got me through three whole days. 

What went wrong?  I haven't  been looking after anxiety.  There were several annoyances today, as well.  With things going wrong, like difficulty with the study guide I was using, and the proceastination I brought up earlier today.

I habe to come up with better ways  of dealing with these annoyances, or I will neber get any satisfactory time under my belt.

What am I going to do? 

I am going to put my phone out of reach (I pmoed using my phone) during the day, only using my porn-proofed Ipad.  I am going to start doing workouts in the afternoon to use up some energy and get rid of built up tension.  And I am going to make sure I meditate every day.

Tomorrow's day 1.

Rich


18
Porn Addiction / How many on this forum ogled women IRL?
« on: March 13, 2019, 08:28:34 PM »
Deleted due to lack of interest.

19
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 13, 2019, 08:15:52 PM »
Change of plan from the original, of cracking on with studying this morning after wasting an hour watching videos on YouTube.  My subconscious is beating me up for that and wants me to retaliate by going to porn to make me feel better.  I feel a strong pull to go to porn.  This definitely relates to the dream I had, too.

I feel it is far too early in my reboot to disqualify these three days over masturbating over a dream.  I know many of you may disagree and frown about continuing on from here in spite of the blotch that is my masturbation session, but I feel the alternative of starting over tomorrow is just my subconscious wanting to binge on porn, and I feel that will be the result.

So, I am changing plans.  I will continue this reboot counting these three days.  I will spend the two remaining hours until lunch cleaning, allowing me to get off my IPad (I use it for studying) in this trying time of disappointment over time wasted on YouTube.  Instead I will clean ne until lunch, and study this afternoon, which will give me a full three hours.

This is actually quite unnatural for me.  I tend to doggedly stick to my guns, feeling that my want for discipline pushes me to stick to the schedule in my head.  But I feel that lack of flexibility is part of the problem.

Anyway.  That is the plan.  Now, I am going to turn on a podcast and get cleaning.  I will be back later to update this blog with whether this worked or not.

Rich

3/90

20
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 13, 2019, 08:03:35 PM »
Checking in the morning of day 3/90.  I had a long, vivid sexual dream about me and my exgirlfriend last night.  It came out of nowhere and took me by surprise.  Typically, I only think about my ex on days that I am pmoing, during or after.  Not during reboots.  Perhaps this is just a late response to my binge three days ago.  Maybe it is just the Coolidge effect trying to peek its head in to get me to go down the rabbit hole.

I did masturbate to thoughts related to the dream.  I am not sure what to call that.  I will think about whether I should, or need to restart my count.

I do feel cravings to view porn.  Which does point to the Coolidge effect.

Either way, masturbation is not productive for rebuilding a sex life.  A lot to think about.  But for now, it is time to study.

Will be back later,

Rich

21
Don’t feel weird.  According to several experts, notably Cal Newport, those who go without social media are healthier, with better abilities to think clearly and deeply.  I went a step further.  After deleting all of my social media accounts, I stopped consuming primary, partisan news sources (basically, all of them).  I do not consume political news or social news.  The only news I consume is science and technology news from non-partisan sources (BBC Science, Wired (though it tends to lean left), Science Daily, and various podcasts). 

The result has been a massive increase in my wellbeing and outlook.  I am no longer barraged by broadcasters saying the world will end, everyone is a victim of everything, or unabashed optimism.  I feel like I am more skeptical and level headed.

There is always email, and....you know....actually talking to people.


Rich

22
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 13, 2019, 07:37:28 AM »
Checking out on day 2/90.  It has been pretty easy so far.  Knowing  the restrictions are there on my IPad seems to help.  Good night, folks.

Rich
2/90


23
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 11, 2019, 09:42:07 PM »
Posting to say that I have set internet content restrictions on my IPad and blocked Reddit completely.  It took a while, because it lookes like Apple put restrictions under ScreenTime.

Let’s hope that this makes rebooting a bit easier.

Rich

24
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 11, 2019, 09:18:42 PM »
I just acted out again today, turning this into a full relapse.  I said I was going to elaborate on everything today.  I will do that now.  I can’t promise to remember and cover everything, but I will try.

My situation now: Last week was my last “teaching week” (the program did not have any kids) of my contract, since technically the end of this week is the end of my contract, but I am taking it off for vacation, meaning that I am effectively done here.  I am basically waiting for my wife’s contract to end.  My goal this week is to finish cleaning my dorm room, and to study for the third of the exams I am studying for (I will take these in April,when we move to Florida).  We move back to the US in about a month.

All of this to say I am now up in my dorm room during the day, all day.  Not great for abstaining from porn.   But I have some ideas.

Porn addiction symptoms are back in this relapse and remaining from my last about two weeks ago: loss of motivation to pursue hobbies and important tasks, I get less enjoyment from my interests, irritable, distractible (more so than usual).

Why did I slip?  Well, I think it was the ultimate combination of boredom, accessibility, and stress. 

I have mostly continued to not consume news media, except for technology and science news from non-partisan sources, and this has made a tremendous difference to my psychological health. 

Marriage is slowly getting better as I accept and take responsibility for negative behaviors and fix them.

As for our sex life, I have decided to be patient.  While we are working to fix our marriage, I will expect to have sex maybe once a month. If that.  I understand that she feels entitled to better behavior from me and I need to put forward my part of the deal. 

My ultimate goal is not to consume erotic material of any kind or to masturbate compulsively.  For all intents and purposes, that means no masturbation at all for me, until such a time as I no longer have a problem with porn.

Now that has all of that is taken care of, what am I going to do now?

The first thing I am going to do is make it so that I can’t access porn on this IPad.  I wanted to see if I could avoid doing that by controlling myself, but I see that isn’t the case.  I am going to avoid toxic people that trigger me into eventually falling into the ritual.  I am going to reinforce the habit of meditating and reading the sutras daily.  I already decided to add to my practice by reading books by Buddhist teachers as well.

Ultimately, it comes down to a decision on my part to not consume sexually exploitive media and not participate in that culture. 

So, there’s the plan.  I am adding restrictions to this IPad as I speak and will post when that is done.

I hope you guys are doing much better than I am at the moment.

0/90

Rich

25
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 11, 2019, 08:38:52 AM »
Checking in.  I pmoed earlier today, setting me back to zero.  I won't go into it now, but I will have time to talk about it tomorrow.  What is needed?  More meditating, more reading the sutras, and more focus.  I feel bad about this one.  Uneccesary fall out of the saddle.  I will explain more tomorrow.

0/90

Rich

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