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Messages - HumbleRich

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1
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: Today at 07:14:57 AM »
Day 44/90.

Rich

2
Porn Addiction / Re: Dating sites?
« on: January 12, 2019, 06:57:20 PM »
Use legitimate dating sites and you shoukd be fine.  Avoid Tinder and women who post raunchy pics like the plague.  From what I habe observed from.afar, they are people.who.just like attention from men (plural).  They use raunchy pics to get men on the hook.  Obviously, you don't want to.be anywhere near that.  Plenty of Fish and Match.com shoukd be decent with people who really want relationships.

Rich

3
Porn Addiction / Re: "Free January" challenge
« on: January 12, 2019, 06:52:22 PM »
Day 41/90.

Rich

4
Porn Addiction / Re: "Free January" challenge
« on: January 12, 2019, 06:51:36 PM »
Cut it out, guys.  Clean means NO PORN, or even erotica, and if you are cutting out masturbation then no mb.  You guys who are edging or peeking aren't  rebooting.  You're just building your own demise.  It is time to.get serious.  That means unless there is a real naked woman in your bedroom it is no deal.  Time to get serious.

Rich

5
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: January 12, 2019, 03:38:48 AM »
I just want to brag that I took a practice test from my ftce general knowledge textbook from cliffotes and I passed all subtests.  And found out my essay was way too short.  But I kind of knew that already.  I tend to write very concisely.  I feel quite good about this result.  Tomorrow I am going to go over the official study guide from the Department of Ed website.  See how I do there. 

I am out of the house and my wife wants space for the rest of the evening.  It doesn't relate (completely) to what happened last weekend, but because she and I work at the same place she likes alone time sometimes.  I understand.  So far, so good this weekend.  I am going to go give myself a pass on having a beer on my own now, since I can't think of anything else to do with myself.

Clean and feeling good.

Rich

6
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: January 11, 2019, 09:59:58 PM »
Checking in on Saturday morning, day 40/90.  Average Saturday.  No fighting with the wife.  No intensity.  We are both just relaxing before work on Monday.  I have planned to arrange for our move back to America, starting with an Airbnb to stay in for two months while we look for a permanentish place to stay (for at least the next two or three years).  I am looking forward to Florida, and FINALLY being back in the States.  I am about to email my mother for help in receiving us at the airport and getting us to our destination in Florida.  You see, my driver’s license expired, so I am going to have to go through the process of getting that again.  Moving is a big deal.  And I am looking forward to moving back to the States, closer to family.  So why the depression I sense coming in?  I know that both my wife and I would much rather live in England.  That is a multi step process though.  Starting with getting teaching experience, making a change in my career so that I can apply for jobs in England (I am a dual citizen, and then going through the process of getting my wife a visa.  (This will be years down the road). And I suppose I am starting to see flaws in the plan, even before it has started.  Will there be jobs in what I want to do in England?  Would they be willing to hire a guy who has spent most of his life in the US?  The British can be very proud people and may be disinterested in a perceived foreigner, even one with a valid British passport.  Will it all work out?  The mindful person in me tells me to make peace with reality. 

Anyway, now that I have babbled on.  I still have those urges.  And often when I am feeling 5e numbness of depression I have the strongest urges to act out.  Anything to “feel something”.  The irony is now, forty days clean, I feel things more exquisitely than ever.  It is one of the many contradictions of being clean. 

I will be back to write more.  I am here (even if I am talking to myself) and clean.  Working to pay for my mistakes, make up for everything, and trying to build the best life and marriage I can.  None of this, I am reminded, could I do if I was rapping every day. 

Thanks,

Rich

7
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: January 11, 2019, 09:22:19 AM »
Checking out for bed on the night of39/90.  Good night folks.

Rich

8
Porn Addiction / Re: Are we losing the culture war?
« on: January 11, 2019, 06:56:03 AM »
Suffice it to say, I can't help but think that we are going to lose and the porn corporations and businesses, with the help of SJWs will keep porn alive forever.  But at least this site is here to help those who want a way out.  May that always be the case.

Rich

9
Porn Addiction / Re: Are we losing the culture war?
« on: January 11, 2019, 06:54:36 AM »
Wow!  I never thought this conversation would take off the way it has.  Amazing!  I just wish I could be as optimistic as everyone else.  All I see at work is unmarried people swiping left and right on a stupid smartphone app, with no end in sight.  All I see at home (from abroad on the internet) is sex being pushed into our faces.  I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if statutory rape is dropped from law.  I see the promotion of lowering sex ed via the media, unleashing sex games to kids.  Pretty soon parents will have no means to raise their kids.  Which is basically the plan.  We will be forced to let our kids "be free".  I feel very afraid for the next generation, and for the kids my wife and I want to have.  Pretty soon giving "the talk" to your kids will be hate speech.  But hey, at least our population will likely go up. [Sarcasm].

I'm sorry about getting political, but I feel like you can't avoid it when discussing this topic.  It is completely and unavoidably a political topic.  You either feel that sex is a beautiful, private matter that should be enjoyed by consenting adults (over 18), or you believe that it is something that should be freely enjoyed, uncontrolled, no rules attached.

How do you you run a country without rules?  How do you regulate anything in a world where kids can be sexual?  How do you raise children? 

I feel like we are seeing the giant, ugly grin on the face of the far left, finally, as we lose our ability to protect our children or privately raise them.  It is a sad time to be a parent. 

10
Porn Addiction / Re: A question from a female to guys (help needed)
« on: January 11, 2019, 06:44:27 AM »
My apologies, Selena.  I will read more closely from now on. 

Rich

11
Porn Addiction / Re: Porn Addiction and Evangelical Christianity
« on: January 11, 2019, 06:38:57 AM »

I'm actually in the UK. I expect that Christianity in the UK is just as bad as the US and Canada. American evangelicalism has a great influence over the churches I've attended (especially the last one I was at).
[/quote]

I'm inclined to agree with Doneatlast, Thisisme.  Maybe we have had different experiences, but as a British/American who was baptized in the Anglican church and who continued to practice the Anglican and Episcopalian tradition in America, I think that British Christianity is much more liberal and practical than what is found in the US.  (I realize that I just said I practiced in the Episcopal church in the US, but I still consider it a very British version of Christianity).  I am an atheist and consider the idea of God utterly ridiculous (but I support the first amendment), but I have to say the British tradition, as I have known it is the most liberal.  Charles Darwin is buried at Westminster Abbey (an Anglican Church), evolution was long ago canonized as official church doctrine, and a gay bishop was elected (in America).  There are many women serving in the church in the US.  Basically, if I had to support a Christian church, it would be the Church of England. 

Rich

12
Porn Addiction / Re: "Free January" challenge
« on: January 11, 2019, 03:09:09 AM »
Day 39/90.  Keep it up, guys.

Rich

13
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: January 11, 2019, 02:14:20 AM »
Day 39/90.  Home from work.  The week has gone by peacefully, with me giving my wife massages.  She is healing on the outside amd I have  been helping her.  But I understand that healing on the  inside will take much longer.  I never want what happened last week to happen again.  I follow those rules for wjen i get angry.  It got tested last night when my wife and I got in an argument.  I walked away.  It was me over reacting.  I apologized and we let it go.  I habe to get better at doing that.  I am on edge for some reason.  Maybe it is just anxiety over geting angry again.  I don't  know what it is.  I have been reading a book on self esteem and working to fix mine.  I habe been meditating as well.  I am going to put everything i've got into fixing our marriage.  I have been having urges recently.  I had the urge to drink just now.  I am allowed to drink, I am no longer abstaining from alcohol, but the rule for myself is only socially.  Never alone.  So I am not allowed to just get a beer.  I have also had several urges to head  on over to Reddit and act out.  I am proud of my new found cleaness and my count.  I do feel better.  Minus my unrelated self esteem issues l, I do feel more socially competent and secure.  I am dealing with the scaffolding now, finishing the details.  But there are always those nagging thoughts.  What  is the point?  It's just porn?  It is natural to look at naked women.  Wjat are you accomplishing?  Now, more than ever, I have to do the work of reminding myself what I've gained through this process.  The clarity.  The security.  The cleanness.  The integrity of character.  The ability to look people in the eues.  The knowledge that I am an adult man.  There is  also the paradox I wanted to write about, maybe in the main board.  The longer you abstain from porn, the better looking all women become, not only your significant other.  But other women too.  A little unfair, I think. 

Anyway.

More later.  Clean and free,

Rich

14
Porn Addiction / Re: A question from a female to guys (help needed)
« on: January 10, 2019, 06:49:17 PM »
Are you serious?  The man has been having sex with you regularly and the two of you are making a big deal out of him not being able to get it up for a second round?  You do realize there are pe9ple (myself not included ) who can't get it up at all due to porn right?  And you are complaining about not getting a second round.

My opinion is a man is that it has nothing to.do.with PMO and he is telling the truth about quitting.  Sometimes the human body just gets tired. 

I'm sorry for the tough love, but this is in the porn addiction open forum.  I think you are making a big deal out of nothing.


15
Porn Addiction / Re: Are we losing the culture war?
« on: January 07, 2019, 09:43:40 PM »
In response to the comments from GamerGirl, no I do not feel that we should outlaw hyper sexual behavior, be it sex education through games, swinging, polyamory, etc.  I am not wholly a conservative.  “We” means recovering porn addicts, although I also meant it as critics of liberal ideas in general.  As a libertarian I say that anyone can do anything they want as long as it does not physically harm anyone else.  Emotional repercussions are difficult to identify and prove, thanks to cultural relativism it is almost impossible to even define emotional abuse, let alone take precautions against it. 

All I have to say to liberals is do whatever the heck you want, but be an adult and take responsibility for the consequences.  Don’t expect the country to solve your problem. 

End of rant.

Rich

16
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: January 07, 2019, 09:08:45 PM »
The past two days have gone fairly well, as usual, with my wife and I talking.  This weekend will be more challenging though, but I will follow through.

Rich

17
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: January 07, 2019, 08:57:48 PM »
Hi guys,

Thanks for your comments and for keeping me accountable.  I do have remorse for hurting my wife.  She is okay, and I have resolved to never let that happen again.  The truth is we have been in a repeated cycle of letting it get physical for way too long (I just haven’t fessed up about it before), although it never went beyond pushing before).  We love each other dearly, and I am determined to end any and all violence.  It wasn’t a kick as much as me trying to push her away to keep her from slapping me.  It did end up bruising her though.

Like I said, this needs to end.  I am determined to follow the rules set above.  If I get angry I will leave the room.  If my wife and I cannot find common ground on something, I will let it go.  Our relationship is what is most important.  And so is her feeling safe.

I don’t like the language of abuser, abuse, and cycle of abuse, not because they don’t apply or are not true, but because they focus on an us vs. them mentality, and do not help the perpetrator at all.  They are not conducive to saving a marriage, but breaking it up.  They may be useful in some situations, but I choose not to use them in ours.

I follow a more Buddhist (Eastern) view that our human minds are more complicated than just good and evil.  In the East they teach that our minds are made up of different pieces that all fit together, none of them being any more or any less us than any of the rest of the pieces.  What I need to do is to get rid of the piece that says I need to be in control all the time and fix the piece that is my self esteem, which I have started to do.

My plan is to follow the rules outlined above to prevent any recurrence in the future while I simultaneously work on myself.

Thanks.  More later.

35/90

Rich

18
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: January 06, 2019, 11:11:04 PM »
Checking in day 34/90.  This reboot is going smoothly.  I wish I could say the same about everything else.  I am have been having extreme mental health issues recently which have put huge stress on my marriage.  My wife and I are still together, but we had a huge fight yesterday, which I regret to say did lead into physical slapping.  I unfortunately did end up pushing my foot into her abdomen.  She is okay but it was very scary.  It is all the result of the stress of moving back to the US from South Korea, where we have lived together for more than three years.  But it is more than that too.  We have different aspirations.  She wants to live abroad and I don’t.  I am feeling huge pressure to be near family as well as a desire to pursue teaching in the States for at least five years.  (We both would prefer to live in the UK, where I also have a passport).  But that would require getting her a visa and arranging a job for me, preferably beforehand, to support us.  She would be allowed to work on most visas, though.  I feel like I am breaking under the pressure, but it is also dealing with the realities of marriage and making both people happy, which I don’t think I have ever really considered. 

A few things are clear.  I need to follow clear rules
*Absolutely no lashing out at my wife, ever.  If I get angry I will leave the room.
*I will work daily on my self esteem (the cause of everything).
*I will make decisions with my wife, not without her.
*I will follow anger management strategies.
*I will do my best to take her feelings into account as we finish this move, and for all decisions after.

I am deeply disappointed in myself for so callously breaking my marriage vows and values.  All I can do is learn and do better this week. 

Learn and live.  Hope everyone else is well.

Rich

19
Porn Addiction / Re: "Free January" challenge
« on: January 05, 2019, 01:58:29 AM »
32/90 today.  Keep on going guys!

Rich

20
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: January 05, 2019, 01:57:01 AM »
Checking in 32/90.  Just keep moving forward.

Rich

21
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: January 04, 2019, 02:54:53 AM »
Cjecking in on day 31/90.  Heavily, heavily, heavily triggered with  strong urges.  I am just removing mysekf from media at the moment.  Anything to.stay clean and pmo free.

Rich

22
Porn Addiction / Re: Are we losing the culture war?
« on: January 04, 2019, 01:40:25 AM »
PS.  I am using the word liberal here merely to point out that liberals are making the point.  I am center left myself, but my problems with the sex positivity movement and other left campaigns have less to do with politics than with the trauma that porn has done to my own life and my experience as a recovering porn addict.  This post isn't about politics as much as it is about the topic of porn in media and games. 

Rich

23
Porn Addiction / Are we losing the culture war?
« on: January 04, 2019, 12:24:08 AM »
Hey all, I hope you are well.  I've been thinking about this alot.  Some of us may be winning our own battle, but are we losing the war?  I just visited the V & A recently and went to a special exhibition about video games.  It was amazing and I recommend it.  But in the commentary section there were videos of panels  talking about the cultural significance of video  games.  I was on board until sex games were brought up and the panel.was in favor of some pretty borderline offensive games.  I had no idea commercial sex games were a thing, but apparently they  are.  The sex games  i got involved with back in the day were all free online and very primitive.  But anyway.  I feel like we are losing  ground and I have  felt very on edge ever since.  Not only are we ex porn addicts fighting against our own demons, many of us  fight for the  cause of ridding the world of porn.  Not only do we have to face huge business conglomerates and the corporations that have built a multi billion dollar  industry, but now liberals  have  jumped on the bus too.  I feel like porn addiction may be here to say.  The future looks very bleak to me.  To think that the media that played a roll in destroying my life for years is now a talking point for liberals is hard to swallow.

Rich

24
Porn Addiction / Safety Warnings for Porn
« on: January 03, 2019, 11:07:26 PM »
I wonder what warnings would be on porn if it came in a box the way cigarettes do?  Here are some possibilities:
*  May completely destroy self confidence and self esteem
*  May lead to genital.abuse through over masturbation
*  Can lead to the abuse of areas of the brain associated with pleasure
*  Can lead to prolonged and severe procrastination
*  May lead to severely impaired  social skills with the opposite sex
*  May lead to varying levels of social anxiety
.......


25
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: January 02, 2019, 03:32:56 PM »
Checking in on the morning of day 29/90.  Will write more later.

Rich

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