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Messages - summercicada90

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1
Okay, so it's another Day 1.

[Trigger alerts. It's all good news though, haha]

Had a whole bunch of sex with my new girlfriend in the last week. Never climaxed, but as always, was still able to have an erection and penetrate.
It's occurring to me that I probably have DGS. The main reason being that my girlfriend is letting me have sex without a condom, and I still am not staying hard or achieving climax. I'm getting the absolute best thing there is to offer from the female body, and it's not doing it for me. I mean, there's still something to be said for getting used to the angles of penetration and patterns of motion that will do it for me.

But yeah. My gf and I actually had a couple conversations about porn while we were sleeping together, and I ended up coming home and jerking it multiple times after I got back. Probably a terrible fucking idea. I'm gonna go ahead and say that that's the last time I will ever fap. (I've said it before, but now I'm looking back with a new perspective now that I'm factoring in the DGS idea. DGS alone will probably motivate me to stay away for good.)

I also found that I'm suddenly not able to even watch porn the same way. They skip over the best parts which are the love, kissing and affection, and go right to the sex like it's some kind of sport. It's such a fucking trip lying there with someone who is absolutely 100% into you and just kissing the hours away. Forget sex, the love is where it's at. She tells me she has no perfume on or shampoo applied, but the smell of her hair drives me fucking insane. It's so weird to her, but that's okay.

So yeah. My goal now is to have an unbroken 90-day streak of absolutely no fapping, and I'm pretty sure by the end of those 90 days I'll also have a little more "technique" learned that will help me get there.
I also probably need to remember to bring lube with me. It's proven somewhat difficult in general to get the darn thing inside her because I'm super girthy. But that also means that her vagina ought to be feeling super tight to me, which is even more reason to suspect DGS.

2
Ages 20-29 / Re: Starting Now Limp to Rock
« on: December 19, 2017, 12:12:11 AM »
What's interesting is, I have a friend that told me straight up a couple months ago that I had this propensity to have a set of things I'd had on my mind lately and wanted to talk about, that I was really passionate and animated and excited to share with people, but when I was talking with someone one-on-one, I would essentially keep the conversation pinned on the one topic too much, and keep going back to that topic even if the subject wandered off of it. Which he was also interested in those things and could keep talking about them with me for hours, but our mutual friends sometimes felt like they didn't have much to say about the same things, and so it felt to them like it was sometimes hard to carry on a conversation with me.

So I set about training myself to give up control of the conversation and go with the flow, and if I missed an opportunity to say something, to let it go and keep pace with whatever the new topic was. At first, it sounded so pathetic to me that I even had that problem, and it was kind of discouraging to think about. So I put it out of my head because it was fucking with my self-confidence, but I did end up finding some practical, concrete advice to follow.

It finally sank in that when you're talking to someone, the ideal thing to do is to agree and relate with them, so you can then show some initiative in opening up yourself to them, and then ask them questions to get them to open up some more. But if you can't agree or relate, the very least you can do is to be interested, and when they say something you don't quite catch or understand then ask them about it. (To quote Jordan Peterson: "People hardly ever get listened to, and they're so damn happy when you do it, that they're likely to open themselves up to you very quickly.")

And I now have a girlfriend who is super talkative and super jumpy-around with conversation topics, and she's the one who more-or-less asked me if I wanted to make it official with her on the third date, because not only do we have a lot in common, she thought that I actually cared about what she had to say more than any of her previous boyfriends did.

And just months ago, I was having terrible dates with lots of awkward silence and halting, forced conversations. There might be something to say about compatibility in terms of personality and interests, but to be absolutely honest, some of the stuff my girlfriend talks about, I wouldn't even care to talk about if it was with a guy or anyone else. But I have improved my social and conversation skills, with objectively observable results. It can be done.
(I'm not saying I won myself a girlfriend on 100% charisma and nothing else. We met on a dating app, and she's the one that approached me on the app because I met some conditions she was looking for. But I do see myself being markedly better at socializing than I used to be.)

3
Day 1.

Read this the other day.
https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2006/02/24/orgasms-best-in-sex-vs-masturbation/

Actual sex releases 400% the oxytocin and 400% the amount of prolactin in your brain as masturbation does, meaning you're literally 4 times as satiated from it. Masturbation is a cheap fix that you can get now, but if that prevents you from ever having the real thing which is 4x as good, then why bother? It's like having one space in your inventory for potions, and one "pick up/drink potion" action that takes time to refill its meter. Why would you settle for a weaker potion when you know there's a stronger one coming if you just scroll on a bit longer?

It's also good to keep in mind that your brain will try to pursue masturbation for a time because that's all it knows. It's a tried and true way to achieve the reward stimulus, learned through dopamine. The testosterone doesn't care that something better is going to come along later on down the line, it drives you to do something now. But we have control. We can un-learn masturbation, and then re-learn what it is to have a sexuality. That unlearning process is what I set out to do with this nofap, and I'm going to finish what I started.

Oh, and big news: I did indeed just make myself a girlfriend the other day. And now I can tell myself that porn and masturbation/fantasy aren't for people like me. Because now I feel like I'll always have the confidence to approach and engage women (if I even need to, that is. Might not ever happen if this relationship lasts for good.)

4
MO'd. Anticipation got the best of me. Fuck.

5
Watching (another) Joe Rogan podcast that just came out. They mentioned on the podcast one thing that is a big reason why it's so important to catch yourself if you're fantasizing and stop yourself.

Testosterone doesn't like to wait.

It's a big reason why so many guys jump into one night stands, and initiate them even. It's in our DNA, and it's a mechanism that makes us agents for optimal reproduction for the preservation of our species. But it also makes it really easy for that testosterone to take a hold of you and make you PMO, or even just MO, unless you take a hold of it first.
Testosterone drives you to get off your ass and do something, now. It's just a matter of making that thing you do something productive in a way that will benefit your life away from sex and women, until you're ready to include a woman somewhere in that life.

6
Day 5.

Started getting curious yesterday and searching for random keywords looking for erotic stuff to see what there was, telling myself I wasn't going to watch it. But then started watching it. But then immediately recognized that A) I was at the metaphorical "nudist beach" just from viewing the video I'd found, and B) there were all these ads and links everywhere on all these pages leading to other porn vids and articles, meaning that just by looking around, you're exposing your eyes to gratuitous amounts of nudity. God, it's no wonder we all got so desensitized to real nudity from browsing around on porn sites.

So I closed my browser as soon as I realized what was going on. Of course the same thing happened multiple times in one sitting. I can only hope that it didn't have the same effect that edging would. But that counts as a victory, I suppose.

There was one point during the last few months where just thinking about the one girl from Korea, and how she wanted my company just for the sake of cuddling and having someone there to accept her as a member of the opposite gender, started to arouse me (from pure buildup of hormones and whatnot). I feel like unless I reach that level again, I won't be able to confidently say I'm ready for sex. But then again I might be. I've had a chance to rethink lots of things in the last couple months, but no matter what, I'm staying away from porn and fantasy as much as possible until I find out.

7
Day 4.
Just realized I'd been miscounting and today is actually day 4.

Had a dream about being at church, and then I woke up and started thinking about the past again.

As a kid, watching movies and stuff sort of works to socialize you and teach you the norms and roles that everyone plays. And in all those movies and TV shows, the one kid that wore glasses was always the nerdy, uncoordinated kid. You'd look at him and be like, man, this guy's never going to get any women. And if he did get a really good looking girl, it was always comical and ironic that he did.

And so the day in middle school that I found out I needed glasses (to read things far away, not even as a fatally dependent thing) I was crushed. I felt like I was doomed forever.

I was one of the most intelligent kids in class, good at making friends, and athletic too. You'd think from that alone that I'd be able to get myself a girl. Which I probably could have, had I been a little more conscientious about my own appearance, fashion, hygiene, that stuff. (Barring the fact that I needed braces, which I'm so glad I got done senior year.) And if I didn't have those religious beliefs making me think I wanted to stay away from dating until I found the right one. As if I would know she was the one before I ever dated her. Hah. Also, implying she'd be predisposed to fall in love with me no matter how I looked or presented myself, because it was some kind of predestined spiritual connection.
I mean, going on a date in my mind was also equivalent to being boyfriend and girlfriend on that token alone. Which I guess is pretty much how everyone thinks of things when they're in school. There isn't that much need to get to know any of your peers, since you already spend so much time around them in school.

I almost wish I could go back and wisen my younger self up and get some experience while I was in high school or something, but then again, if I had, there's no way in hell I'd be here right now. And here is a really good place as it is. I feel like I'm only making this growth as a social and romantic being because I'm here on my own away from my religious parents.
I guess that's another thing. Even if I had gone and dated a girl, and especially if I'd thrown off the whole religious mentality and been sexually active, I still would have had to answer to my parents every waking day, and constantly live with the dissonant tension between our views.

8
Ages 20-29 / Re: Journey to a better me
« on: December 13, 2017, 07:27:46 PM »
I know exactly what you're talking about, and I've been realizing the exact same thing. I was talking to a couple of women over some beers about my lack of successful experience with sex, and about porn, and one of the women was saying, "Yeah, don't take cues from porn and start doing XYZ." But then the other woman was like, "What are you talking about? Men do that to me all the time and I love it!"

I've met guys that have the opposite taste as me in types of sexual play, and quite different taste in women than me to boot. So it only makes sense that every woman is going to have differing tastes in both as well, and also in the pace they're comfortable with as far as getting intimate with a man.

Good luck to both of us on finding the right woman!

9
Day 3.

Still feeling really easy.
I think overall it's gotten easy to stay calm and keep my mind off of sex, porn, and women, when I'm on my own. I can occupy myself with plenty of healthy things to do. It actually gets to be a little harder, perhaps, when I go to my workplace and see the women that I spend 8 hours of every weekday with. It's only natural that I've started to get somewhat seriously attracted to some of them over time, and it can be easy to come home and still be thinking about them after work.
Luckily, again, I won't be going in to work for the next few weeks, although there is a party next Friday with my coworkers. But by then, hopefully, things will be official with the girl I'm seeing. We've cinched up a day and a general time/place for our next date.

It's gonna be hard to find things to post about over the next couple days, but I'm making myself post something here every day again until I hit day 14. Or until I have successful intercourse.

10
Day 2.

I was chatting with some folks last night and realized amidst all of the stuff we chatted about, that getting on the dating app, although it led me to meet this girl I'm seeing, cost me 180 bucks (because without a credit card, you can still pay at a machine at the convenience store, but they force you to buy a 3-month package in that case,) which results in me sitting here today with no fun money left. Luckily I made a bit extra translating online, so I'll have cash for a couple year-end parties that I'm planning on attending, but I'm gonna be dipping into my savings just to go out with this girl for another two times between now and payday. Definitely not gonna be going into town or doing anything super fun, on the weekdays over the next two whole weeks. But I'll get by. I still have images turned (back) off in Chrome, and I'm pretty sure I'm starting to get to where I can hear people talk about sex in real life and not start obsessing/fantasizing about it compulsively afterward. (This might just be a lack of testosterone as a consequence of PMOing three days ago, and maybe because it's winter and there's some evolutionary hibernation instinct lingering inside me. But I'm still going to stay disciplined even after the hormone levels come back up.)

One of the times that I PMO'd recently was after chatting with some people on Skype. The conversation got onto a really weird topic, and genitalia were involved in the discussion, and it was actually closely related to this fetish fantasy I'd had in the past, and it triggered me pretty hard. Which is weird, in a way, considering that those were some really wholesome friends I have, so there's no way I would have known to be mentally prepared for that trigger. And I guess that sort of put me in this mental state of, you don't know when triggers are going to come, so it's going to be virtually impossible to create a completely failsafe environment for yourself and get out there and be social like you should. But now my resolve has strengthened and I'm feeling like for me, a life devoid of sexual fantasy and MO is the right way to go.
Also, I'm not sure whether anything can really be called a "trigger" if I'm not addicted. It's more like something that makes me want to think about sex, and want to start fantasizing, creating temptation. So I'm not even really sure if I can blame any of that on my environment. It could be that it was just me giving in to the temptation, using the idea that "wow, this is a strong trigger" as an excuse.
And now I don't have to worry much about figuring out ways to pursue rewiring, because it seems very likely that I'm about to get into a relationship.

Another thought I had a little bit ago:
I don't do heroin or cocaine. Am I missing out on anything? I don't think so.
So why would I be missing out on anything by abstaining from PMO?

[TRIGGER ALERT]
Also, a little over two weeks ago, I was feeling super horny on payday and went and bought myself a BJ. I know I said I was never gonna do it again, but I did. The lady there was actually old and ugly, but I was so "thirsty" that it was still pretty good. Of course, the 40-year-old women I drank with the next day (and then again a week later) said that not only should I avoid porn, I should also stay away from sex professionals, essentially because that can be just as hyper-normal, because they have a developed and polished technique, and then you're spoiled again and can't get off from the "amateur" but loving job your girlfriend does.
Then two days after payday, and after one night staying out drinking until the morning, my testosterone levels were at a super high and I ended up fantasizing, looking up erotic stories to read, and eventually PMO'ing. So I'm thinking it's very likely that buying sexual favors is a fast road to relapse. Of course I also was on the dating app, and was thinking that if I was super horny it would drive me crazy and make me rush into a decision I might not want to make. Then again, here I am still more-or-less rushing into finding someone for the sake of having a relationship, so I can have more experience and confidence, and also try to rewire, as it were. So maybe it wouldn't have made that much of a difference.

11
Ages 20-29 / Re: Breaking the habit
« on: December 10, 2017, 09:26:08 PM »
Hey, man. In terms of keeping your mind off of things you don't want it to be on, reading this page helped me a lot. (I also share it a lot on here.)
https://yourbrainonporn.com/what-about-fantasizing-during-reboot

Another little tidbit that I've found useful: When there's something in your past you don't want to think about, you make an effort to forget it, which is a process of overwriting it with new, healthy memories.

Also, these pages in general were helpful:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DclqE-9vFgY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRJ_QfP2mhU
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=2956.0

You can do this, man! Don't forget to pursue a loving relationship with that one girl you like!

12
Day 1.

I had a friend from back in middle school come and stay with me for a couple nights toward the end of his vacation, on Thanksgiving and Black Friday. Not that those are things in Japan. But I took the papers on the wall down before he came. And now I have new papers up there to remind myself that yes, it does bring distress when you PMO. They're there to remind me that the smallest thought, if it's enough to bring arousal, will cause that anticipatory dopamine to be secreted, and then it's over. There's that super-magnet metaphor I've thought of before, where if you let yourself become polarized, you can be on the opposite side of the galaxy and it will still pull you in. Reproduction is so high on the priority scale that the brain doesn't like to stop in the middle of a feeding frenzy, and for a recovering fapper it can be all too easy to start a feeding frenzy. Although I've cut them short, permanently, before and been successful.

Those papers are probably going to come down again if and when I have the girl over on the 23rd. I was thinking the 24th, but I was just out with my English-speaking female friend yesterday, and she said I should go out with my date on Saturday night instead, because the 25th is a work day for most people, so it'd be hard to make staying the night work.

So, thinking: What if the women I mentioned in that last post were right? What if it is just a matter of inexperience, of me being unused to the sensations of intercourse, and/or holding back during sex because I'm afraid of hurting my partner? What if the very next time I have sex I'm able to climax, even though it's only been two weeks since my last PMO?
In that case, I still feel like I should strive for 90 days and beyond of no PMO. I feel like it will be easier in some regards and more challenging in others, to achieve that once I have a girlfriend. But worth it.

[TRIGGER ALERT]
Also, it may not even be the sadistic nature of the fantasies that I had as a kid that is the main reason I ought to give up the practice of fapping the way I used to, but rather the endless novelty that I had, in my own creativity in conjuring up different things to... fantasize about doing. I was my own novelty machine before I even started watching porn. I've recently realized this.

Also, while my friend was here staying with me, he bought a porno magazine on the way back from a night out getting wasted. And we stayed up looking through it together, and he was weirded out by the fact that none of the women in any of the sex scenes looked like they were enjoying it. Which made me remember that that was exactly what drew me to Japanese porn in the first place. But also was a way of confirming that I wasn't crazy, and that dynamic really is a prominent thing in Jporn.

13
Day 0. Fapped to porn twice today. Been falling off the wagon a bit since my last post. I mean, it's far from fapping every day. I've been going at least a handful of days with no MO whatsoever in between every single relapse that I haven't posted about here in the meantime. My last PMO before today was 8 days ago, and I'd say that's been the average span in between relapses.

Man. Looking back, the last several posts in this thread of mine have been nothing but Day 0, Day 1 posts. I mean, I get confident as soon as I get into the groove and start to believe that I'm ready to do this without a journal. All the principles for success are solidly in my head, or at least they aren't new principles. I think I need to re-commit to the initial resolution I made to never fantasize again. A while back, the very same friend who convinced me I should be staying away from porn because it ruins sex, asked when I was going to stop NoFapping. He told me that fantasizing is a part of the human experience that shouldn't be taken out of your life. My answer to him was that drinking with friends is also a part of the human experience, but you don't see recovering alcoholics doing that anymore. But what he said sort of stuck in my head, especially because it came from him. I think for me personally, my walk needs to be one completely free from fantasy of any kind.

I should also say that I still don't feel like I am or ever was addicted to porn. I do understand, though, that it's a hypernormal stimulus that numbs you from being able to function as a sexual partner.

[Possible triggers scattered below.]
I should also say that I have some happy news. I got on a dating app for people who want a serious relationship, and met someone on it. This is an app that actually lets you report someone if it even sounds like they're just trying to get with you for a ons, or trying to rush you into meeting them when you aren't comfortable doing it. Although in my case, she Like'd me, I accepted her Like and we became a match, I asked where she lives, she messaged back the next day saying she lives in my city, I asked if she wanted to go to this festival the following day, she said yes, and it happened. Going slow with this and getting to know each other, planning on waiting to make ourselves official before I even think about sex. We had our second date yesterday. Needless to say, that got me excited thinking about how I've finally been on a second date and even have a third date coming (she let me borrow her scarf until the next time we get together. Again. haha) which probably means that we're about to be a couple and I'm going to have my first girlfriend. And of course that got me fantasizing, and I ended up drifting in and out of fantasy mode, trying to resist, and eventually realized I'd been edging to my own fantasies, so I thought I should just let myself release to some good old-fashioned streamline-injected novelty. Aka porn.

I mean, this relationship is something we both are sort of rushing into, in a way. Christmas is the time of year when everyone in Japan wants to have a SO, and it's not that hard to find people who are in a hurry to find someone, whoever that someone may be. And the timing worked out just so that date #3 is going to be on the 16th or 17th, just in time to ask her to make it official a week before Christmas Eve, which is the real day when couples in Japan culturally spend time together and then "spend time" together. Interestingly enough, this girl says that she's dated several guys, but it's hard to find one that has her same taste for Western music and isn't some arrogant returning exchange student. And that taste in music, of all things, is a make-or-break thing for her.

I remember recently hearing about someone like me who says he also bought sex and wasn't able to finish, but for him his problem fixed itself from nofapping for about a week.
I also told a newly made female friend about my past and how I've been trying to quit porn, and she said "Good luck." Sort of made it feel like it was going to be hard to keep things going for very long.
I also was told by a couple of new female friends in their 40s that it's really common for men to not be able to climax during their first several times having sex, and that I should A) continue to not watch porn, but B) continue seeking more sex, even if it means more partners for more casual sex. Of course at this point I've already got the ball rolling in the direction of pursuing a serious relationship, so I'm going to follow this path and let it take its course as the next thing. If we end up breaking up down the road, then maybe I'll give that casual stuff a try. I've even been told that going casual all the time can be a valid strategy for trying to find someone, because your momentum will build and the women with their sixth sense will know from your confidence that you've been getting laid, and it'll start to happen more and more frequently, and suddenly you'll find someone great that you click with, beyond just a moment of physical passion.

So anyhow, I'm ready to dig my heels in and start again.
There was a guy who told me that he and his friend once went to a nude beach. He said there were beautiful women everywhere, but eventually it stopped being arousing within the same day of arriving there, because they became acclimated to the constant exposure to nudity. Hearing that story just confirmed in my mind that we need to stop acclimating ourselves to the "easy fix" that porn and fantasy are. This has actually been a slogan for my own reboot efforts over the last couple weeks: "Stay away from the nude beach."

I do believe that I had the right idea when I said that I should never think about sex in the past or the future. First of all, I've been told that it's only common sense that when you walk into a sexual encounter, you shouldn't have any expectations at all. If you do have expectations, your arousal system will shut down the second they start to get disappointed. And porn makes it impossible to not have expectations, even if they're at an unconscious level.
Also, fantasy can be a hypernormal stimulus just as much as porn. You don't really have any sense of realistic judgement when you fantasize, and especially for recovering porn junkies, your imagination is infested with porn flashbacks anyhow. And even after you have successful sexual experiences, memories can be hypernormal as well, because you won't remember every little moment that happened in real time, but rather a highlight reel of only the things that stick out in memory. Fapping to the highlights of your past, I feel, could still condition you to be "spoiled" and require constant novel stimulation for arousal.

I gotta go now. But my month-long winter break has started, so I have plenty of time to be on here writing, and make this another mental "boot camp" like August was. And by the midway point of this month, I'll have another chance to try intercourse and see if cutting back on PMO in general, albeit not to the extent I would have liked, has done me any good.

14
Resetting MO counter again.

Still kicking loads of ass during the day. 17 days porn free and counting to infinity.

My mind still wandered to the same set of things again, and again it was after an entire sleep cycle. It was kind of hard to sleep in general because I have some exciting things to look forward to in my life today. But as I was sitting there knowing I should be sleeping for as long as I could in preparation for it, a familiar pattern played out in my head. Girls I'm interested in irl → sex → P flashbacks → my own fantasy with a random girl I know being put through some things I saw in porn.

[TRIGGER ALERT]
It's not even like there was any actual sex or penetration either. This is a common thing for me. It was straight up sadomasochistic play, and it's not even like the "me" in the fantasy ejaculated or had an orgasm at any point in the entire thing, but here I am watching myself in first person (or third) doing these things and having an orgasm to it. It's a total out-of-body thing, which is probably the main flaw and the main type of conditioning that impacted my wiring to be so poorly responsive to sensations in reality. And maybe some DGS, I'm still not sure on this one.
Again, this is the fetish I had before porn, but porn gave me lots of really vivid imagery to fuel the fantasy with.
The final ingredient I need may be some rewiring. But it's gonna take time to make that happen, so I need a more immediate strategy for when I'm lying in bed wondering how long I have until the alarm goes off. Putting something else into your mind is always an effective strategy. Sometimes it can still fail though.

15
Day 1.

Would be day 90.
Thankfully, there's this thread that someone is writing in the Success Stories section. If you're reading this post, go take a look at it. It doesn't matter if you've seen it already, and it doesn't matter if you've read this post in my journal already. If your eyes are resting on this post, click the link.

Time has passed and I'm on day 1 of a streak without MO. (Again, still 14 days without any porn. That's the easy part for me.) With what I've just read in the new post on that Chinese reboot master thread, I feel like this is good timing for me to dig in even deeper and start fighting a battle on a larger scale. Time to realize that it may have been 90 days since I started this reboot, but I still don't have any memories I've made to draw from since that aren't porn, and therefore until I rewire I have to stay pure-minded and grounded in the present. It's still worth it to be empty-minded if needed, for the pure sake of not having sexual thoughts in my head.

Of course I also watched this yesterday, thanks to the fellow rebooter that posted it, and it resonates with me too. The opposite of addiction is not abstinence, but connection. Those of us who have a good base of knowledge on addiction recovery know that you have to actively fill your void with something else so that you don't end up bonding with your addiction again. I can see that it greatly helped to be getting out of the house as much as possible during the summer break at the beginning of my official reboot journey. And naturally so; when you're alone in your "cage" too much described by the video, you're prone to either go insane or create some bad habit to keep you occupied. And of course, the only time masturbation ever happens is when you're alone. Sometimes addicts will even seek alone time so they can go masturbate; the opposite is what really should happen. Seek to not be alone as often as possible so you can bond with other humans.
I remember hearing this somewhere: The strongest drug to a human being is another human being.

16
Ages 20-29 / Re: lets restart!! try number 100
« on: November 04, 2017, 04:46:22 PM »
Hey man, you can do it!
Check out this thread on the Success Stories board. It's a work in progress of translating posts by a master from the Chinese reboot community. There's a new post that just got put up for us that I feel will help everyone tremendously.

17
Dammit. I keep thinking about how I've got a chance with a few girls I know (especially after nights out drinking like last night when the guys and I were talking about getting myself a girlfriend,) and then it makes me start fantasizing about a simple kiss, and before I know it I've MO'd again.
Still day 13 without porn. But I feel like logically speaking this MO'ing has got to be preventing any progress or healing. Or at least slowing it down tremendously. Not that I'll really know until the next time I get intimate with a girl.

The time in between MO relapses has gotten steadily shorter. I'm statistically getting worse at streak-building as this shit goes on.
The good thing is it's not a porn problem. The bad thing is I don't need porn for it to be a problem, and it's consistently happening when I'm in bed but conscious.
Today I was laying there because I was hung over and didn't really want to get up. Or rather thought I was going to go back to sleep after taking a piss, but that sure didn't happen.

What really sucks to think about is the fact that had I never relapsed since I started my reboot, tomorrow would be day 90. Instead it's going to be day 1. (Or day 14, depending on how you look at it.)
I keep reading back over my journal and watching videos/articles about self improvement, but lately I've been lacking the discipline to fully rein in my thoughts about romance and sex. I'm getting better at it, but for some reason I haven't been staying strong like I did in that first 35-day streak I had. It could have something to do with the fact that I'm starting to prepare things to say to the students I help teach in class, meaning I'm frequently in this mode of imagining-how-things-are-going-to-go that keeps me in my head. Not sure if that really is worth stopping, because it has a practical reason behind it, but I guess it means I have to really monitor my thoughts.

18
Day 1

Another new little tidbit from Jordan Peterson.
Men and women aren't all that different from one another. In fact, there's far more diversity within the two groups than there are differences between them.

Meeting a bunch of people in town this evening. Probably will be a sausagefest, but it'll be fun.

19
Well shit. Restarting MO counter again.

Every now and again I'll start thinking about rewiring again, and yesterday I was googling around to find the average age people move out these days back in the US, and then about how common it is for people to never date until they move out on their own. This second search didn't bring me any results that answered my question, but there were a couple of "this is how you can tap into a girl's evolutionary wiring to make her attracted to you, even if you've never dated" type articles. And of course they talk about sex. And of course it planted a seed that made me fantasize about the girl I had over the one night, in between sleep cycles no less. End of story.

I do get that showing sexual interest in a girl tends to be important to do if you want to have romantic relations with her, long or short term. And it's something I've never done before but am ready to do.
It's just hard to know which "advice" sources to approach and which ones to avoid. And still hard to get over that mental vulnerability that comes with lying there in bed. I can do it though!

Still trucking on with no porn. (Even though the MO escalated into a porn flashback. I feel like it's been that same flashback multiple times since I started this reboot.)

20
So that girl probably won't be free on the weekend for a little bit. Which is okay.

Resetting counter, but it's only the MO counter. Would be day 6, now day 0.
Had a sudden P-like scene come into a dream I was having, which made me snap out of the dream, but then I was thinking about porn/sex, trying not to, but ultimately failed.
It can be hard to keep that stuff out of your mind when you're in bed but conscious, with nothing to do to occupy yourself since you're resting and know you probably shouldn't get up, but all you're doing is thinking and hoping that you'll nod off into oblivion again.
I was even telling myself, "Hey, is it worth it to reset your counter again? No. Here's why."
But then my mind wandered back, and it was over.
This really is the hardest part of the battle. Not porn.

21
Day 3

The one girl's English-speaking friend can't make it out this coming weekend, but I invited the girl herself out drinking. She hasn't seen my message yet, so I'm just waiting for now.

Of course I can feel a mild sore throat coming on. Makes me realize I probably should've been taking some of this Emergen-C my family sent me while I've been opting out of buying fruit to stretch my paycheck to make it last till today.

It's payday today though. And my next move up in the world feels like it isn't very far off. Gotta stay focused on doing everything I can to make that happen.

22
Day 2

Work was not canceled yesterday, although school started for the kids 3 hours later than normal. The sky was completely overcast at 10 am, but totally cleared up as if it was a new day completely by 11 am.

I think I've figured out a new way to look at this porn/fapping thing. It's like sugar.
Metaphorically speaking, I don't know that I was ever addicted to it, but I probably had just enough of it at an unhealthy concentration that it made me borderline "diabetic," so I'm needing to purge and have zero "sugar" for 90 days. Which when you don't feel cravings or have withdrawal symptoms, it can be easy to think, "One cookie isn't going to kill me" but then it throws your digestive system out of whack again.

I'm gonna try and implement the mindset I had last week from here on out, too. It worked pretty darn well until I had that conversation with the girls all about sex. I think I'm gonna have to be ready for when reality throws those at me. But at the same time, what I was doing was settling into this almost zen mindframe of complete asexuality in order to keep the dopamine from even starting to come on, where I would tell myself, "I don't want to want. What do I want to do? Be here and present in reality, even if there's literally nothing going on."
You can't keep telling a kid "No/Stop/Don't do that." You have to give him a positive command or instruction, tell him what to do instead. Which, again, is focusing in on reality and/or getting occupied with some task or activity for us rebooters.

23
Day 1

There's supposed to be a typhoon hitting my area today. In fact, I can hear some serious wind going on outside, so work might be canceled today. I just haven't got an email saying it is, which is a good thing. I'd much rather be out of the house and in human contact for 8 hours than cooped up fighting the thoughts of porn that I just let back in.
I guess if I do end up staying home, the sounds of the typhoon outside will be enough to distract me. o_o

24
Success Stories / Re: 6 years clean!
« on: October 22, 2017, 05:11:03 PM »
Can't wait to read it! I live in a nearby country where both porn and Buddhism are deeply entrenched parts of the local culture, so using one to fight the other would be a very useful thing to be able to do. haha  :)

25
Thanks man! I'm guessing you're right.

For the journal: I just relapsed again today. It's been only a week, I realized. I wasn't counting; I wasn't even thinking much about the reboot. I was going to take a long break from the forum, leave everything imaginable about porn and sex out of my mind to focus on life for a while, and come back victorious with a long streak and maybe a success story, or at least an update about finding a girlfriend.

But then last night I got invited out drinking by the same girl who spent the night at my house the one time. She has a female friend who speaks phenomenal English and wanted to meet me, and we ended up talking (the two of us in English so the first girl wouldn't understand) about how it was possible for me to have a girl sleeping next to me and not have sex with her, and also the three of us talked about how I've never dated but lost my virginity in Japan, stuff like that. And this girl's friend is the same age as her, and we hit it off pretty well as friends. And of course I can't help but start weighing the likelihood and worthwhile-ness of it becoming something more, or maybe of actually starting something with the first girl... Anyway, the thoughts of dating and sex were back in my mind by the time I went to bed. Ended up MO'ing in the morning as I was waking up in bed. And then that turned into a "Dammit, counter got reset... Well while we're resetting, may as well PMO one last time too" type thing.

I've been on this side of the world for almost a year now, and at this point it's pretty obvious how fake and contrived every last bit of porn made in Japan is. It's starting to surprise me that anyone would want to take part in making that stuff. You'd think I'd learn and never go back. I guess this is as good an opportunity as any to learn and never go back, right?
Well now I finally have a friend who I already get along with really well and who says she wants to hang out a lot, and who lives close enough that I won't ever have to take a train, meaning it'll be easy to make it work frequently. But at the same time, it's gonna require a lot of mindfulness from here on out, because being around the both of these girls is going to put sex on my mind a lot.

(Edit) Side notes: I took Tinder off my phone yesterday. I also went on a picnic with this girl I've been waiting to see again, and we both knew it was going to be rainy but I wanted to go anyway. It went terribly, and she might not ever want to see me again, but it was surprisingly easy to just roll with it and come home as if nothing had happened, ready to focus on everything but girls for a while. Then the events of last night happened. And ironically, the girl's friend asked me, "How did you two meet, anyway? Tinder?" (The answer is no, we met at this pub I used to go to a lot.)

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