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Messages - Vincent

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1
Ages 20-29 / Re: Saving my relationship
« on: March 27, 2016, 06:09:12 AM »
Puhhh... it was a long road until now. After some time I really thought I was through with it. But I am not. It pretty much looks like I am even worse, because now I don't care anymore. I just wank. I don't really use any excuses or anything.
I started this thread to save my relationship but what I am down to now is somthing even worse. I still am in a relationship with the same girl. I probably still love her as much as I did, when I started to write the thread - well to be sincere it mostly is kind of the accustomary thing now but whatever. It is ok. And although I still blame her all the time for not having enough sex an thus force myself to porn - at least this is my excuse now - I only do so in my head. I kind of accepted it and I am, as it seems, too lazy to change something here.
To be frank, I am not happy with myself, nor with my situation.
I come home and find no joy in reuniting with what I have here. And I don't see any perspective. One might say this is some kind of depression talking. But my problem is that I am not so sure, where to start curing it.

So I came here. To fight my toughest demon - Porn.
Perhaps it is silly of me, to do so again and again. But fighting it brought many benefits with it. So maybe now after getting "wiser and older" I can get more out of it.
We'll see.

But there always needs to be the first, the second and the third step to start again.
As long as I don't give up hope of going on, maybe I still can get better.
And it sure as hell is nice to share this with someone who is wearing the same pair and does not know me :-)


2
Ages 20-29 / Re: Saving my relationship
« on: April 12, 2015, 02:53:54 PM »
Hi Pierre,

might be a viable solution, yes. However, If I want to find something, I will. I will go around google, I will look at stuff and so on. You are right. they provide a buffer zone. Maybe I will reinstall them. But in the end I only can kick my but. Because what will I be doing if there is no buffer zone any more? that Is what I am most afraid of.....

Jnv,
yes my friend, we seem to be very much alike. That is why I am sure that both of us are determined enough to finally make it!!!

3
Ages 20-29 / Re: Saving my relationship
« on: April 12, 2015, 11:50:17 AM »
hi man,
Thanks for the concern. Yes, I fell. And yes, I stood up again. It was difficult. It still is. why this happened? I was too careless. I had open DNS installed. I searched for porn. Found the usual google pics. Then I got triggered. Then I tried to get around my blockers. And the proced of trying to get around ate away like 3 hours -> wasted time. Then I thought: fuck it. I uninstall that shit again as it is eating time like I am eating cookies... And there was my opportunity, I took it.
I felt miserable afterwards. But I told myself that there is nothing that dwelling on it will change. my mindset is my mindset regardless of how many times I fap or how long my no fap streak is. It I think like a loser, I am one. Yesterday, although it was raining, after my relapse I forced myself to run 10 km. At first I thought of it as punishment. THen I realized, what it really was: I wanted to build up my self-respect again, which I lost a few hours earlier. Now I have no blocker on my PC again. No time to waste on "trying". I either do watch, or don't. There is no way for me to block it out. I'll always find a way. I will be able to stop watching porn without blockers. I need to have the discipline to go there. Otherwise I only run from it.
It is difficult. I hate it. I really would like to watch porn and wank wank wank. But I won't do it. Not today. And not tomorrow.
And so on. There is no real use in finding excuses here.  ;D
I'll make it happen. enough said!

4
Ages 20-29 / Re: Saving my relationship
« on: April 11, 2015, 06:19:52 AM »
thanks man!

wow it is already nearly 2 weeks again. During the week, mostly due to my very demanding job, I now don't even want to look at a screen anymore. But it it the weekends I worry most about. Today I was close to relapse. Then I went on my no fap emergency app on the phone and got this by clicking it:
http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/imagine-a-world.jpg

this really made me change my mind and I am proud of not having relapsed.

up to a fap free life!
I now finally can accept that it is not motivation that helps me through this but the sheer discipline of simply forcing myself to just not do it.

being stricter to oneself might be the solution for me to take here!

All the best to all of you!

5
Ages 20-29 / Re: "I can control the Zero. F*ck the Zero"
« on: April 11, 2015, 06:15:50 AM »
wow jnv, you did it!!!! you jumped 14 days and are close to the 21!!!! that is awesome and deserves, again, respect. Everyone here deserves it, of course. But those who struggle the most and still keep on and on, those are the one's who deserve it the most!!

All The best

Vincent!!!
and keep on, because it keeps us all motivated

6
Ages 20-29 / Re: "I can control the Zero. F*ck the Zero"
« on: April 05, 2015, 06:53:53 AM »
you can do it. It seems we all struggle hard at some times. I those time we, more than ever, have to accept the fact that we will have to push harder, fight longer, fall and rise and forgive ourselves every time.
You are the man, you are the solution -> now take it! as I can see you are progressing already!!!!


all the best!!!

Vince

7
Ages 20-29 / Re: Saving my relationship
« on: April 05, 2015, 06:50:56 AM »
Thank you, guys!!! I needed some cheers. But what I need most is to face reality. It is MY butt I have to kick! And I was to leanient to myself. I still am. I tried to go back to PMO blocking only to find myself trying to find a solution to break it again. I cannot trick myself. I only can face it: I have to do it. There is only one way: Willpower. Everything else is only a sorry excuse.
I thank all of you for the support. I will be writing more often from now on. If you start to lose track, get back on. Don't whine. I did that too often. Perhaps I made the mistake of thinking there might be a time when I will not have urges any more, when I won't have to fight it any more. Well.....I should stop kidding myself. Wither I choose the life of someone that doesn't watch porn...or I don't. That's it. Plain and simple. again I will start, again I will fall again I will rise. That's it.
I hope the very best for each and everyone of you!!!

Vince

8
Ages 20-29 / Re: Saving my relationship
« on: March 28, 2015, 04:13:39 PM »
Hi there guys and girls,

it was in quite some time that I did not write in here and - of course - it made me lose track. I did not PMO yet, but I egded way to many times to porn and don't feel myself lately because I don't seem to be able to get back in the game. It is silly. Two weeks ago I started a new job. This one is pretty demanding - 9-10 hours a day - and when I come back home I feel like I deserve to watch some porn. It is not like I really fight It. I just don't PMO, so that I can still be pleased with my so called "streak" of not having orgasmed to porn. THis is pathetic. And that is exactly the way I feel. Maybe this is just a phase of mine. But I feel down. I don't seem to get my head in the game of work, love life, finishing my thesis....nothing is working. I am even too lazy to work out. I feel really bad. Porn - while watching it - doesn't even give me a sense of pleasure. An I feel so empty right now. This morning I MOed. It felt super and I was very energized. But then I did not use the energy positively. I just set there in front of my pc doing nothing..but watching tv shows and some quick porn in between. Maybe I need a new start. maybe I need to get it all back together and start from scratch. And that should be the only thing to do for me. My motto always was "no excuses". And lately I have been making up too many.

It is so funny. every time I come here and write about what is bugging me, I find the solution by writing about it. I will have to stop kidding myself and be myself again. It was one day off and I completely ransacked it by doing nothing. Instead of enjoying the day, I wasted it. And again, and again, time after time, I will have to stand up, build up myself again, fight myself again and throw away all of my achievements. That is the only way I will make it through this. By not being too proud of a lousy 80 days of no PMO. By not being a dick about me being super, when I am not. What kind of man I would like to be? How about the man that finally starts to respect himself and is not looking for someone to praise him so that he can feel good? fuck, I am pathetic. And this stops now.

9
Ages 20-29 / Re: Saving my relationship
« on: March 13, 2015, 05:23:28 AM »
Today is a nice day. THis morning, after an extensive breakfast and workout session, I MOed. It was not the kind of MO where you just do it thinking about something to get one up. I was horny as hell. And I don't know why. My GF is away for some time so there I was with my head full of horniness and a boner.....well. I just wanted to. I had one of those self pleasuring experiences that feel really nice. Really relaxed and thinking about nothing but the act itself. It was not one of those bursting, stress relief PMO sensations where you get all blurry in your head and sweat and shit. It was pure relaxation. A very slow and easy MO...

And you know what? It felt nice but I don't feel the need to do it frequently. It was more like those "why not have a whiskey today" experiences that you do on special occasions. And I want to keep it that way. I also feel like I am understanding myself better. Before I always panicked if I was not rock hard all the (very short and pushy) MO act with PMO or even without Porn. I did it fast all the time. Today I accepted that with different touch and movement I get less, more or differently excited. And that made me think: Perhaps we should not use our dicks as true life vibrators for pleasuring women but use them also to their full potential to OUR pleasure. I did not yet experience all there is with sex, I have to admit. But I am burning to have sex now with my GF to find out how it feel differently with me knowing I actually CAN feel different sensations down there.


10
Ages 20-29 / Re: Hi
« on: March 12, 2015, 11:29:18 AM »
 ;) doing great, I see! Keep it on

11
Ages 20-29 / Re: Saving my relationship
« on: March 12, 2015, 11:26:04 AM »
Thanks man, that cheered me up a lot! Danke!

Yeah, and by the way, today is my 4th day....again....without porn or similar stuff. I am at Uni, struggling with my thesis and well, it stresses me a lot. But I strangely don't have the feeling of really needing porn that much right now. It is more like I don't care about it.  This time I will make it through the weekend and further. Stop with those silly excuses. I always say I can't and I should...but. It is time to say: no I won't. basta.

Cheers to you all!

12
As far as my knowledge and research goes, everything below 40 pg/mL is ordinary.

Your result however is pretty high, I would say, considering the normal numbers should be between 15 and 30 for young guys over 18.

checking your LH, FSH and Progesterone might help as well.

But man, you really should consult with an endocrinologist - we are no doctors and don't know that much about this. Your E2 is pretty high, so please consult a professional for his/her opinion.


13
Ages 20-29 / Re: 21 from Europe thankful for this project and YBOP
« on: March 12, 2015, 06:39:57 AM »
keep it up. As long as you are honest to yourself basically nothing is a problem. You will manage the point where you are so determined to keep your word to yourself that it becomes a habit. And then you replace porn with this new habit of saying no.

 ;D We're gonna make it!!!

14
Ages 20-29 / Re: 21 from Europe thankful for this project and YBOP
« on: March 11, 2015, 10:20:26 AM »
hehe, I never had one in my life....so it actually became a goal of mine to have one....but as for now I am on a like 40 days no MO streak and had my last O like 4 weeks ago...nothing....

I am cheering for you!!!!! It IS a good sign. Nature works ;D

15
hey man,

I am glad to see your progress. 7 days are a start and you seem to be doing well.

Please be on alert with porn Substitutes.....I so often make the mistake of using them to get a sniff of the old atmosphere only to then realise that I cannot withstand the attraction of them any more and eventually go back to porn. It is pretty difficult, as you say it, to see the blurred line here. What you should do is to focus not on what is porn or not, but to be very truthful to yourself in that regard. I my experience it is better not to classify porn but to classify everything as porn (for the time of your reboot) that you deliberately search for INSTEAD of porn ;). This can bee sexy pictures, underwear models etc. Of course they are not graphic porn. But they can trigger you to wanting to watch it. If the trigger is started once it might be very difficult to withdraw from that....

I wish you all the very best!

16
Hi man,
If there is a designated "happening" that made your anxiety attacks come up, you should work on that first and foremost, with your Psychologist.

The first thing you need to know is, that anxiety is the #1 libido killer of all time.
The rebooting can cure the dependence on porn for a boner or sexual stimuli. But it can also help you to feel yourself again after a simple overuse of porn and masturbation. What is important now for you:

1. You need to separate your understanding of STRESS and STRESS RELIEF VIA MO.

2. You need to explore the difference between Stress relief MO and "real" enjoyable MO -> in the beginning I was not able to feel anything if I touched myself lightly. But after some time off the hard MO or, better, on hard mode, the sensitivity turned back and now I feel even the slightest touch down there.

3. You need to understand your panic and fight it. I was in an anxiety circle with my GF. We tried to have sex for over a year but  I simply couldn't get it up. My problem was PMO, yes. But it was also my anxiety. I was so nervous, because I always thought " what if I get limp again?" and then it happened. What you SHOULD NOT DO is TEST WHETHER IT WORKS AGAIN -> this only increases anxiety for you!!!!!!!!

4. You need to find more social contact to women. This does not mean that you have to become the flirtmaster 2000. But if your anxiety is triggered by CONTACT to women, there lies the problem. Deep down in your unconsciousness  you may have developed FEAR of something. This fear can only be overcome, if you fight it. YOu will see in no time that there is no reason for you to be triggered by the presence of women and will actually enjoy it.

5. Work on yourself. Make a plan. What do you want to change, where do you want to go with all of this?

And then YOUR plan will be YOUR step by step introduciton.

17
Ages 20-29 / Re: Saving my relationship
« on: March 11, 2015, 04:57:31 AM »
Oh man, jnv, I so know what you mean.
It is so damn difficult to break a habit like that.
And frankly I don't know what else we can do than train or willpower....more and beat that curiosity.
Every time we know what will happen.....but it gets more difficult.

Right now I am in my last week at uni - finishing the thesis and starting a new job on Monday. I also quit coffee for this week, since my dependence on it is so grave....I fear. I really had withdrawal symptoms, still have on day 3...... but it also is a habit I formed as long as PMO....
The strange thing is: I can control it. I am at home, at uni, everywhere is coffee.....but I simply can say: no. Same goes for alcohol and refined sugar, which I skipped both for over a month now. But porn.....wahhhhh why the f***** am I not able to say NO? Most probably because I don't want to.... :-\

But you know what? we need to keep fighting and fighting until we finally don't care about it any more. And then, when we finally did it, we will go online, look  at a pornpic and say: well....not interested at all....That is the future we should hope for.


18
Ages 20-29 / Re: Hi
« on: March 11, 2015, 04:48:54 AM »
you're on the right track. And I am pretty sure you will gradually reach the point where you prolong the gaps between PMO. Then you will find it boring after some time and if you manage to tame the curiosity about it (my main problem) you might as well skip PMO for good!!!!

Cheering for you!

19
caster's right about that.
You should research the medication thoroughly and then check what you really need. If the doc tells you that you should restart MO, but you can't and explained it to him....I don't know. I would not restart it. A psychologists job is to check on what MAKES you that anxious about it. If you force yourself to MO you only might return to your habit of libido-less MO and kill all your healing process. Also, you are doing many things at once. Taking psychoactive drugs together with hormone supplements is a lot of strain on the body. If your anxiety makes you not go through the 90 day without Porn period, you should check on that thing. If MO or PMO are the only things that give you a piece of mind, then you Psychologist should focus on that, where it came from, what it does and how it can be changed.

20
Ages 20-29 / Re: Saving my relationship
« on: March 09, 2015, 05:47:42 AM »
wow, I really am a chronic relapser..... ???

Big question to myself is, why I don't get the triggers. I mean, I was sitting on my chair yesterday, reading a book, my GF was there as well. I, and I don't know why I provoked it, took my phone and googled a sexypic. That is my worst thing to do. Because it activates a chain of monstrous triggers....and then I end up looking at porn vids, and edging to them.
I tell myself, that if I edge I still am winning because it is not PMO. Well....that a fucking lie to myself and I know that. That is why I changed my challenge in the first place....It makes no sense to stop PMO if I can't stop myself from actively searching for artificial stimuli. And it really doesn't matter whether it is porn, sexypics or a bottle of soda I am getting off on.....that became clear as well.

It only is in those cases when I realize how stubborn I am. At some time I simply look at myself and say: fuck it...the same old song again. Why care. Everybody does it. But when I do it, even amid the process, I don't find it joyful enough to pull through and PMO or even MO. I am in a state now, where I have fear of "losing" something if I O without real sex with my Partner. And that fear makes me do strange mind warping things, that I cannot understand. I mean, at some times I am horny as hell, try to masturbate, everything works, I could MO, but then I stop, because of my streak of 6 weeks.....and that alone is a strange thing, just to stop because of my streak. The other dumb thing is, that, if I could simply stop myself from looking at any artificial stuff (which works great at work and even at home in the evening but not on WE), there would be no follow up triggers. Just the point needs to be reached. It is like an ice wall. if I only graze it, it will eventually break. the only thing I need to do is to "think" about some P star. Then, if I cannot manage to keep it together, I google her, searching explicitly for NON nude stuff (because like this I can lie to myself that it was not porn.....). I look at that pic, say nice. And close the browser without any incident. No problem there,....but the harm is already done. at this point it keeps nagging. Then I want to see her in action. And If I do I "suddenly" want to see other P stars in action as well.

I often try to put the fact that I am too weak willed on my streaks or on the fact that I didn't O for 15 days or whatever (ok, right now the love life, although it WOULD work, between my GF and me is more like 0) and then I Think I need to blow some steam of and so on. But I can manage that. What I cannot manage are the shortcuts in my brain. the second I look at any kiny of hot stuff, the nagging begins and i will give in eventually - of perhaps I want to... >:(

Anyway my work for the next weeks:

Keep my week ends busy/outside and pornfree.....everything else works out fine. And it is not like I am binging hard or anything. But still...Untrue by an inch, untrue by a mile. I have to be strict to myself.

21
Gro├čartig! da freun wir uns drauf!

This surely will also help with awareness and acceptance of the problem!

Thanks to you two!

22
Porn Addiction / Re: Should I take anxiety med?
« on: March 07, 2015, 07:22:46 AM »
good points jkkk,

to prevent anxiety I drink less coffee and more tee, especially herbs. Lots of sport relieves stress as well.

There is Hops, Valerian to relief anxiety and for me, chilie peppers did the trick on severe days. When I felt so damn pressured and thought only PMO or just looking at P would be the ONE solution, I ate a pepper and had other worries ;D. after that I also did not want to touch myself - although It happened some times and was painful as hell for like 30 minutes.... :o :'(

But the very best thing against anxiety is to learn to control your breathing and slow it down, let it become regular and calm yourself with meditation. For me, this was most helpful

23
mostly, drugs are prescribed by those who think it is the easiest solution. especially if they change them that fast without analysis. A psychologist should not issue a prescription that easy....those drugs are not the average aspirin stuff.

I don't know anything about TRT treatments but If your testosterone level is OK, there is no reason to do the treatment - at least if the level is going to be permanent.

Maybe you problem NOW is of psychological nature - so we could focus on that.


24
Porn Addiction / Re: Should I take anxiety med?
« on: March 06, 2015, 07:44:02 AM »
Hi Man,

first off: 15 days is already a reason to congratulate you: therefore congrats.

IMHO you "problem" stems not only from PMO.
I any case, using anxiety medication to get yourself out of the anxiety cycle will not solve the problem, only displace it.

What you should do is to find the REASON for those attacks. A good start could be to answer the following questions for yourself in all honesty:

Where do the panic attacks start? Special location/ Situation?
What are they triggered by? only women? only customers? Special circumstances?
Why did the talking to a female customer cause you to panic?
Is it the same trigger every time or are there different reasons?
Are you "afraid" of women?
Do you think this "fear" developed because of your porn overuse?
What are your usual coping mechanisms for this (do you evade contact with women if possible)?
Is the Panic attack related to Porn consumption or is it related to masturbation? If you masturbate without porn, are there any panic attacks?

Why exactly do you think the reboot causes your panic attacks?

And please don't forget, that our mind is especially elaborate in finding excuses to go back to pmo. It might also be that you are "inventing" those cycles and create anxiety for yourself with that.

Meds CAN calm you down. HOWEVER: the doc needs to know the reason for you requesting them, if he is a good one. If the problem is psychological, it is necessary to work on it in that department anyway.

all the best

Vincent

25
Ages 20-29 / Re: Hello. My name is Nolan and I'm an addict.
« on: March 06, 2015, 07:07:53 AM »
My Friend, you seem to forget WHO is in charge here!!!!!!

YOU ARE IN CHARGE, NOT THAT FUCKING PMO SHIT!!!!!!!
Don't let a relapse, however severe it might have been, dictate your mood, your ambition, your personality.

YOU ARE NOT THE SUM OF YOUR RELAPSES - YOU ARE THE SUM OF NEW BEGINNINGS!

Do you remember the pride of your first time reaching 30 days? Focus and bring up that pride again. YOur urges are noting compared to the power of that pride if you use it.

Be proud, Nolan, be proud of everything you achieved so far. You will have enough time to look back on your failures when PMO is history for you. Now you will have to look forward!

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