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Messages - zander13

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1
I can already tell that today will be another difficult day. Don't have much to say. Hopefully life will get better as time goes on. That's all I can hope for. This will undoubtedly be the most difficult thing I'll go through in life, because it seems so worthless time wise. It's just bundles and bundles of wasted time.

2
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 15, 2020, 11:34:08 AM »
Another shit day. Fucking hell man!! Fucking grinding me down to a pulp. I don't really have many positive things to say. This is absolutely terrible.

Just thinking about how seemingly unfair this shit has been to me. It's taken so fucking much. I'll never, ever let it fucking beat me. No fucking way.

3
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 14, 2020, 06:50:30 PM »
Fucking terrible man. So many shitty days these past two weeks. I fucking despise this addiction.

4
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 14, 2020, 09:18:22 AM »
Last 3 days have been very difficult, but for reasons that are dissimilar to the ones I've complaining about earlier in this journal. My head/brain feels different, and the type of depression I'm feeling is more of a dull pain than an acute attack. Sadly, this dull pain is more existential in nature, and the depression feels deeper and more catastrophic. I worry that the sex I've been having has only magnified these effects, but its no use crying over that spilt milk.

I've had morning wood every morning for the past four days or so, which is a good sign, though the erections disappear not long after I wake up. Progress, however slow, is being made.

The biggest fear I have these days is that I'll die before I beat this addiction for good. I know that sounds irrational, but the anxiety/depression the PAWS is causing plus my bipolar anxiety has produced this massive death fear that consumes me on a daily basis. I really, really want to live to see the day when I am free of these shackles. Its been nearly a decade in the making.

5
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 12, 2020, 05:04:34 PM »
The pain I'm feeling right now is unbelievable.

It's been going on about all day now.

6
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 12, 2020, 12:33:42 PM »
The withdrawals/PAWS have been causing a lot of depression lately. My brain chemicals are all out of whack. The good news is that I've been able to read more, which, to me, means that my cognition is improving.

Sex seems to knock me back about 5 days of recovery time each time I indulge in it, so I'm completely taking it off the table. And this time I'm pretty fucking serious about it. I can't break promises to myself anymore, because we all know where that leads. Self esteem is strongly linked to this addiction, and when I start fucking with my own, problems inevitably arise. The fact that I had sex with the knowledge that it was harmful to me is kind of disappointing, but I need to move on. Just another learning experience, though more mistakes will take me into the Einstein insanity territory (doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results).

Another issue I'm dealing with is the mental illness bit. I started lowering my dose of Lamictal the past couple weeks and I was able to observe that it does a terrific job of taking hte edge off of things, and that I should remain at a higher dose for the time being. Once the waves of PAWS begin to subside, I will revisit the concept of fiddling with my meds. To people who don't understand what it's like to be mentally ill, it seems stupid to mess with the very things that are keeping you sane, but what normal folks don't realize is that the meds have side effects, and some of them are nigh unbearable. Lamictal keeps me permanently disconnected to the world, not allowing me to feel weather, or nature, or strong emotional currents. Its a nullifier of life, plain and simple. It dulls everything to the point of nonexistence. It has me ignoring some of the best parts of being human. So of course I'm going to to try and take as little of them as I can.

As always, the most important work I can do is to continue to move forward. The fight is a tough one, there's no fucking question about that. But things are steadily improving, which is pretty cool.


7
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 08, 2020, 10:21:14 AM »
Was stupid last night and ended up penetrating my gf for about 10 seconds. We stopped because we both know how bad it is for me, but I still feel hungover today. To me, this means that any kind of intense stimulation causes my brain to malfunction. I believe this is because of the fact that I'm in another flatline. I wouldn't doubt it that stimulation (kissing, dry humping, grabbing) during a normal period (without a flatline) wouldn't be harmful in any way, but the fact that I keep hooking up with her during the flatline is what's fucking me over. I guess it's just another learning experience. Hopefully today won't be too bad, but I'm ready for the worst. Only way out is through, though that's tough talk considering how shitty I feel when things are at their worst.

This will be, by the far, the hardest thing I'll have to do in life. I guarantee it.

8
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 07, 2020, 05:08:37 PM »
Tough day, though the morning/early afternoon was pretty good. Feeling like I'm on the cusp of something. Music starting to sound a little better. Gotta keep pushing forward. I just might launch off into the stratosphere.

Nonetheless, today was fucking hard. And I foresee more pain to come. It might get worse before it get's better.

9
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 06, 2020, 02:24:06 PM »
Fuck boy this blows. It's been like 6 days in a row of feeling absolutely shitty. And I can't write well either, which is also bothering me. Fucking hell!! When will this be over?

10
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 06, 2020, 02:02:25 PM »
Still feeling shite today. Not much else to say--I'm anxious and depressed, and its because of this addiction. All I can do is keep surviving, and to enjoy the rare moments when I feel alright. I imagine that it will take another 6 months to a year before I can consistently wake up feeling good. Rarely do I ever wake up excited to get out of bed. And that's a damn shame, but it is what it is. Maybe I'll be stronger from this whole experience. Or maybe I'll just be the person who I haven't been able to be, who is, in fact, a very good person. Shame he hasn't been able to show his face very often in this life.

11
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 05, 2020, 05:11:07 PM »
The last five days have been brutal. I'm very much ready for this storm to pass. It'll all be worth it in the end.

Today I realized that the reason these withdrawals have been so brutal is because last year I had a binge session that lasted just about all day. My brain is still trying to come back from that momentous derailment.

12
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 05, 2020, 12:24:38 PM »
Worried that the sex I've been having has done more damage than I've been willing to admit. I'm having a difficult day when it comes to withdrawals, and it's getting to me spiritually. I'm just flat out sick of this shit. I'm at my wit's end. I don't even know what else I can say. I'm just tired of not being able to enjoy life to the fullest--it feels as if I'm wasting my golden years. Fucking shit man. It feels as if my brain is going to implode. It feels swollen and damaged. There is a constant pressure in my temples.

13
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 04, 2020, 06:01:11 PM »
Hey man. Having successful sex can certainly be of great help during the recovery. It would help your mind set things right and help it realise that this is the real deal and not the pixels on your screen. I would suggest not being so hard on yourself maybe this once. Had it been porn then maybe the reaction would’ve been justified.

Anyway that’s my opinion. If a hard mode is what you’re trying to do then certainly you could refrain from having sex the next time. Other wise, try to take it as a good sign of recovery and yeah, good luck.

I'm one of those folks who has to abstain from sex because my brain still isn't ready for orgasms of any kind. But thanks for the well wishes, good luck to you as well.

Speaking of sex, I had it again yesterday and was pretty fucking pissed at myself, because my brain has been cloudy today. But I don't think the sex is as harmful as I make it out to be, though it undoubtedly causes some issues.

The important thing is to keep moving forward, because time will eventually fulfill its duty, and I'll be healthier than I've ever been. Just gotta keep going, no matter how hard this journey gets.

14
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 02, 2020, 02:35:15 PM »
I, regretfully, had sex today at around 11. I honestly have no idea what it's going to do to me. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it was bad for my overall recovery, but, as they say, only time will tell. I am not happy with myself at all, but me and my girl were just too fucking horny to not fornicate. It was only a matter of time the last few days. I'll just take the punishment as it comes. Too bad the promise I made to myself has been broken. I didn't even make it two weeks.

In other news, I still hate what Lamictal is doing to my brain. I feel dumber. In every facet. I can't write as well, nor am I as sharp when I speak. Maybe it's all in my head, but it's hard to say. The brain is just so fucking mystical, and all of my problems just so happen to occur within it. So much gray.

I'm seriously thinking about lowering or stopping it completely, just to see how I fare. I'll probably start getting depressed again, but I at least want to try it. It's a scary thought, but there is a part of me that needs to know what I'm like without the confounded drug.

Edit: My brain already feels a bit wonky. The sex definitely did some damage. Fuck.

15
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 01, 2020, 10:52:59 AM »
Today I feel weird. A mixture of masculine and feminine. I'm on the verge of having some good days in a row, I can tell. Or maybe not, who the fuck knows. I can tell that my brain is craving porn right now, and I need to stay mindful of that. I've been having relapse dreams and fucking wacko sex dreams. I honestly don't know what in the fuck is going on.

16
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: January 31, 2020, 06:17:18 PM »
Days are starting to vary. Things are starting to grow more unpredictable. We'll see how this plays out moving forward. This shit is, as you all know, fucking annoying. I want to find that long-sought after baseline.

17
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: January 30, 2020, 12:25:43 PM »
Past two days have been somewhere in between. My brain is slowly inching its way towards recovery. Kind of a good feeling, though I hate how dumb Lamictal makes me. It has become quite evident, as my recovery has progressed, that Lamictal affects my ability to both read and write. I don't know if those are side effects that I can live with.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: January 28, 2020, 12:23:05 PM »
Last 4 days have actually been pretty good. Pretty freakin' weird, though I'm still not at a baseline. I feel as if it will take at least another six months before I come near a baseline.

In the meantime, I need to examine my medication situation, because Lamictal makes me pretty fucking retarded.

19
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: January 25, 2020, 03:58:48 PM »
I've decided: No More Orgasms for at least 2 months.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: January 25, 2020, 02:50:05 PM »
Really fucked my brain up again. I'm, flat out, delaying my recovery, by who knows how long. I was getting MWs a fucking month ago, and now I don't get any at all. My brain is constantly fuzzy, and there is a constant, weird pressure in my temples and forehead area. I'm so fucking mad at myself man. I simply can't control it when we start making out. I get the tunnel vision. It's time for me to be an adult and set some tangible boundaries. I have to beat this shit man, it's ripping my spirit out of my body and stomping on it as if it were a used fluorescent light. FUCK!!!

The WDs turn me into a beta of sorts, and I know that's not me. I'm very much an alpha. I hate being a beta. I hate worrying about other people's opinions. I hate not feeling like myself. It robs me of my enthusiasm, humor, love, emotion. It's the worst.

21
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: January 25, 2020, 10:00:34 AM »
Yesterday was the best day of the week. I returned to myself. And then I had sex at the end of the night. And now my brain is foggy and I'm scared shitless that I prolonged my reboot. I'm honestly very upset with myself. Today would have been a very positive day if I didn't do that. God dammit man!

I need to come to terms with the fact that I couldn't control myself last night and move on. Today I'm going to ask my partner that she help me in my quest to no longer orgasm. I don't know when having orgasms will be a good thing for me, but for now, they aren't. Fuck man, I'm upset. There's no getting around that fact. 

22
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: January 23, 2020, 02:50:04 PM »
WDs are so bad right now I feel like death is imminent. Jesus fucking christ man, what is this life?

23
Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: January 23, 2020, 01:43:30 PM »
Still feeling the effects of the karezza I did on Sunday. Fucking sucks man. Makes me into a little bitch to be honest. No masculinity. My nuts are literally sunk into my stomach. I can barely read/write. It's just amazing how much damage these withdrawals can do. My hope is that this is, somehow, a good thing in the long term. Maybe my brain is really digging at some deeper stuff here, and that's why it hurts so much. Or maybe it's just broken, and it'll take a very long time for me to recover my sanity.

It's hard to make decisions right now because I'm not myself. I don't know what I want because I can't trust my moods when I'm experiencing these shitty symptoms. I feel a little stagnant, though I worry about the future on a daily basis. I just want to be able to feel excitement again. I want to feel drawn to a future, rather than act out of fear/necessity.

I can't wait for this week to be over, it's been fucking terrible. One of the worst I've had in a while.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: January 23, 2020, 01:39:23 PM »
Hi Zander,

I am really really sorry to hear about your Experience with depression symptoms. I myself suffer from depression and have been on various medications the past year. One of the most frustrating parts of the depression is the confusion. How do I know what’s causing this darkness? Is it something I’m thinking of making it worse? Better? The worst feeling for me was the isolation that depression creates. It seems other people’s joy feels so impossible to truly join in. Mostly, I wanted my mood to not mess up other people’s lives. This made pornography an easy out for this experience and a simple coping mechanism.

For me, and what I’m sure youve experienced, is the waste of time it is to ask why I’m depressed. Sometimes, well just never fully understand ourselves and must simple sit in the wave of the emotion. I trust you and your therapist are no strangers to this sort of thinking.

I wish you the best of luck and encouragement knowing that a life lived in any way for others is well worth it! Looking over some of your recent journals is helpful for me. Keep going my friend!

Thanks man! Good luck to you too.

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: January 22, 2020, 12:23:05 PM »
These last 3 days have been some of the worst in my life. I don't even know what to fucking do anymore. I FUCKING HATE THIS. I just feel like dying right now. It's fucking terrible, and literally no one in my life fucking understands. NO ONE! I literally don't know what to do. I'm out of ideas. I just want it to end.

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