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Topics - Firstbigstep

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Ages 40 and up / Well, here goes - year 2 of this recovery
« on: December 04, 2017, 06:26:43 AM »
Hi everyone,

I posted about my background and my life in the run up to finding this forum and you guys, the community that make it so important.

I've fallen off the absolute no PMO wagon.

But I'm far less dependent on porn than in the past and this is the start of my re commitment to my reboot.

I'm not sure what to say at this point - I've been pretty low for a long while, but have resisted the temptation of porn around 90% of the time.

I know that's not the aim, not the target, but it is a big step forward from where I was before.

I'm dealing with a lot in my life at present, so this is one of a number of things I need to address.

I'll keep you all posted with any progress as it happens.

Thanks for being there - Just over a year in, it's an interesting place to be.

Women / Guy looking for some advice from the female perspective
« on: October 20, 2017, 01:38:25 AM »
Hi ladies.

This is a really difficult topic for me, which is why this seems to be the perfect place to discuss it.

I had a tremendous 3 1/2 year relationship with an amazing woman which ended in a pretty harsh fashion on her part some 5 or 6 years ago.

We've kept in touch and still see each other most months for a drink. She knows that I still love her despite the fact that she left me for someone else (who she's still with despite his domineering and controlling behaviour)

I stayed at her house on Wednesday night (as I have on a number of other occasions) as I had an early start the next morning 10 minutes from her house.

We were discussing the "me too" campaign after a couple of drinks and she was particularly vehement about the issues it highlights.

It came as a horrific shock to hear her say that she had been raped by a powerful work colleague. Not only that, but the timing ties in with both her finishing with me and the start of some of her self destructive behaviour and self chastisement. I realise now that it was about this time that I first heard her saying something I've heard hundreds of times since: "I'm a terrible person"

I've met the guy concerned.

I'm also devastated by the fact that we had talked of moving in together, having a life together, being together. I can't help but think that this assault has been at the root of a lot of things and may have had deep impacts on all of us involved.

What should I do? How do I move on - I'm devastated by the news, I want to rip the guy's head off, I'm heartbroken that someone I love has a) been through the horror of the incident b) has carried it inside for 6 years (she's not told anyone else) c) feels that she is responsible "I should have fought him off harder, I snogged him, I was drunk"

Any advice would be appreciated. I'm in bits.

Porn Addiction / Fascinating insight into the teen brain
« on: March 02, 2017, 12:05:47 PM »
I just saw this - I've not had time to read it all, but I felt it tied in with so many aspects of the topics we find ourselves discussing here.

Ages 40 and up / What IS normal?
« on: January 25, 2017, 11:29:24 AM »
I posted a similar question a while ago, to a resounding silence!

Maybe I didn't explain myself well enough, so I'm having another go.

After 69 days of no P,M or O, I'm feeling less bound by my dependence on porn.

With no partner, I don't know if my DE issues are improving - watch this space. (You might be waiting a while, but that's ok by me)

Without my regular porn habit, I'm not sure what my brain is up to at times. I get the fact that my dopamine stream is drying up because the River Porn has been dammed. That makes perfect sense. It gets an occasional splash from a brief unexpected glimpse on a TV show (last night, I saw bare breasts for the first time in nearly 10 weeks, even if it was only on the TV!) I can deal with that - it's a simple link from image to brain to Dopamine pump.

What I'm more concerned about, or at least trying to understand, is the everyday. The pretty girl, the short skirt, the low cut top, that kind of low level background stimulation.

Should I immediately avert my gaze, take myself away and beat myself up (not off, you note!) Is that my brain grasping at straws? or is it perfectly normal for a non addict and I just have to adjust to that?

I guess I'm probably asking the wrong people in some respects - we've all ended up with some issues with our relationship with images of women (and men). But I guess I want to know what level I'm aiming to get to - absolute zero, or is there a socially acceptable norm I should be trying for?

None of the brief, casual peeks have led me any closer to a relapse - I'm not planning on going down that road. I just don't know if they are considered normal or if I'm giving in to my dopamine fiend!

Any thoughts, Rebooters?

Ages 40 and up / Long term user - long term recovery?
« on: January 05, 2017, 08:10:51 AM »
Sorry - another fact finding mission!

Where else could I find so many others with experience of recovery from our common issues?

I used porn of all types from around the age of 14 - so my habit and mental conditioning are based on 38 years of excessive masturbation.

It's slightly disappointing to read of amazing changes for some contributors here when I see so little tangible progress in my recovery.

Don't get me wrong,  I'm not getting down on myself. I'm really proud of where I've got to. 50+ days with no P,M or O is good going for anyone. Mind you, it's the first 50 days of the rest of my life, so I'm excited by the prospect.

What I'd like to know from some of my more mature co-sufferers is a time scale for realistic developments in my recovery.

Any light you can shine would be appreciated.

Thanks for all your support, ladies and gentlemen.

Ages 40 and up / What is normal?
« on: January 05, 2017, 03:08:20 AM »
Hi everyone.

I've been on a hard reboot programme for around 50 days, which has caused a few issues - mainly insomnia and irritability.

Living alone, I have had plenty of time to think through my relationships with both porn and the real world. I've also had plenty of time to toughen my resolve and excercise my will power!

What I'd like to know is your feelings as to what is a "normal" level of sexual interest in the women in my every day life. I find myself still looking at pretty much any woman from around 17-60 and "assessing" them. I'm not proud of it - it's just something I've become increasingly aware of. I don't want to be a lecherous old man, so I'm working on stopping myself from doing it, but I don't want to be a monk, either. I enjoy looking at attractive women and want to find a happy medium.

Any advice or comment?

Ages 20-29 / Millenials and social pressures
« on: December 30, 2016, 01:46:34 AM »
Hi guys and girls.

I wasn't sure where to post this link. I received it via Facebook and found it fascinating. It also touches on the whole dopamine dependency that we learn about here.

I hope no one minds me putting it here - it relates closely to your generation.!/sharer.php?fs=1&sid=1232136226872420&refid=28&_ft_=qid.6369775593529277694%3Amf_story_key.1060489072129690355%3Atop_level_post_id.1261291010625522

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

I don't agree with the frame around the video, btw. There's nothing "wrong" with your generation!

Happy New Year and strength in your challenges.

Porn Addiction / What is an addiction?
« on: December 07, 2016, 07:24:00 AM »
I've been porn free now for 20 days - certainly the longest time in my adult life - quite possibly the longest time since I first saw porn - nearly 40 years ago.

With the benefit of non exposure, I have started to look at my relationship with pornography and why it's different for me than for many of my friends.

It strikes me that porn addiction is a lot like alcoholism. I like a drink. I sometimes go out to get drunk. But I don't have to have a drink every day. Nor do I worry about where the next one is coming from.

Yet I have a couple of friends who also like a drink. They go out to get drunk. But.... they DO have to have a drink every day. They DO worry about where the next drink is coming from.

So. In the same way as they can't have just one drink, I don't think I can have one dip in the porn pool. It doesn't mean that porn is evil, and more than alcohol is. I don't take a moral stance on this - that's a whole separate conversation for a different forum.

Ages 40 and up / First big steps, but well needed
« on: November 30, 2016, 10:01:58 AM »
Ok - trying to keep a journal of my progress to a p-free life.

I was really unaware of having a problem with porn, either on line or in print and video form until I heard an article on PIED on the radio, when a light came on and I realised they were talking about me.

I rang the radio station and was put on air and subsequently asked to keep an audio diary of my progress. I view this as the hard copy version of the same journey.

Day 1 wasn't a stress, as I was euphoric at having discovered what was "wrong" with me. I was also pleased that I'd been put on air and bared my soul. Plus I was really angry with two camps of listeners - the "it's disgusting, why do you have to speak about such a topic during prime radio time" brigade and the alpha male "You're not looking at the right stuff!" team. Both of whom piss me off as they have NO idea what this is like.

Day 2 I received an email from the radio station re my audio diary. Still feeling good, as missing out on a wank and porn for a day or two is no big deal.

Day3 - back at home, having been away for a couple of days for work. Back in my sad, lonely old wanker's room. Wi-fi, HDMI lead, laptop and a new TV. Resisted temptation. Just. Though I suddenly realised how actively my mind pursues porn (or at least the high it gives me) as I now admit to myself that I partly bought the TV so I could watch a bigger image... not confessed that to myself before

Days 4-8 - Not much changes - really busy with work, which is good. Still no relapses, but think that's due to lots of displacement activity

Day 9 First look at this site. Pah - I don't need that, I can do this alone.

Day 10 - Nothing to report - working bastard hours

Day 11....... A real struggle - have been SO tempted to give in to temptation. Morning wood, shower, still no MO. But man do I miss it.

Day 12 - I realise this isn't going to be easy - I look back over the past week or two and realise I've been more irritable and smoking and drinking a bit more, but I know I CAN manage those - I've done so in the past and can do it again.

Day 13 - and here I am. Written my story, started my journal. Deleted my account on the Plenty more naughty fish site. I feel good, but SO lonely. I don't want sex, I want intimacy. I want contact. I want to feel wanted.

Porn Addiction / Hello!
« on: November 30, 2016, 06:50:06 AM »
Hi everyone.

I'm a new arrival on the forum, having never heard of it until I heard a radio article on BBC Radio5 Live a fortnight ago about PRED (if that's the right acronym - don't forget this is a whole new world for me!)

I'm not sure about which end of my journey to this point is the best to start - chronological is how I lived it, but reverse is how I've understood it. You can always start at the bottom and read up!

I'm a 52 year old guy. I've had an interest in pornography since I was around 12-13 years old, when I first found my dad's collection of Mayfair, Knave and Fiesta magazines. This discovery also coincided with my hitting puberty, so was a powerful drug, but not an unusual one, as many of my friends had similar experiences at around the same time.

My parents were (and my father still is) pretty old fashioned over such matters as sex, porn and masturbation - only as an adult do I see the huge double standards of it being OK for Dad to have porn (and presumably masturbate to it - I don't want to know!) but for me, as a teenager to be humiliated by having one of his magazines waved in my face at Sunday lunch, in front of my mum and sister (she's 2 years older than me) The sum total of advice re girlfriends from my Dad was "Treat them like you'd treat your sister"

Needless to say, I developed into a somewhat confused teenager - popular with girls but only as a "friend"

Wind the clock forward, and I lost my virginity when I was nearly 27. That was great, and everything worked as it should, but I had, by then developed a pretty solid PMO habit.

I met my first wife shortly after. She was a lovely, sexy, open minded girl, but I had no idea I had a problem, apart from the fact that I very rarely reached orgasm whilst making love. This problem grew to the point where we no longer had an intimate relationship, as she had become disillusioned by my protestations of desire when, in her eyes, I didn't fancy her enough to actually come whilst we made love, but could manage to by masturbation whilst looking at her naked.

I had no idea where this problem would lead me.

Wife no 1 left me.

Still, by this point the internet had been invented, so I no longer had to hide a stash of magazines or VHS tapes. The very first time I was shown the internet, I was shown porn. I didn't realise what a slippery sloe that day was. I can still see the room, the PC and probably remember the site.

I didn't change my behaviour - as a single guy, a PMO habit was considered normal (according to all my friends) - what they weren't aware of was the frequency and the side effects this habit was causing me.

My internet usage grew in line with the speed of supply. It wasn't unusual for me to spend 2 or 3 hours looking at porn on line. My choice of content became more niche - never illegal, never truly deviant, but certainly more extreme and more defined, until I craved things I was never likely to experience in real life.

I met my second wife early on in this phase. She too was a late starter in sex, in fact still a virgin when we met, though she was in her early 30's. So neither she nor I really knew much about the realities of a sexual relationship (I'd still only had 2 female partners before her) As my habits hadn't changed, not surprisingly, there were the same problems, which have culminated in the breakdown of our marriage, though we do have my fantastic daughter as a result of IVF treatment during our marriage.

I'm not proud of the fact that I also entered into an extra marital relationship around 12 years into a 16 year marriage. This relationship was probably the most significant of my adult life, with someone who truly would have been my soulmate,but again my intimacy issues became an increasing ly significant problem. What really hurts was the fact that this partner was the only one interested enough in my wellbeing and mental health to want to attend some form of therapy with me... if I'd left my wife.

I went to therapy alone - psychosexual counselling, mental wellness sessions, relationship therapy. All on my own, as my wife refused to accept that there were any mutual aspects of our/my problem. I won't go through the details of the outcomes of that, but it became apparent that my marriage was doomed - and the lack of intimacy was again a root cause.

So, 4 months ago, I moved out. I was a 51 year old, sad, lonely wanker. And I hated feeling that way. I've never had a hand job or blow job that worked, I've reached orgasm inside a partner about a dozen times in my life. I'm not a good looker, have an ok physique, but I felt like an abject failure.

Then, driving back from a night spent in the spare room of the ex lover and her new bloke (I do like a bit of self flagellation!) I heard an article on Radio 5 Live about Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction. Fortunately, I've never experienced that particular issue, but having relied on pixels and my hand for so long, I had the same issues with relationships. A lightbulb came on and I felt compelled to ring in to the station to put my side of the story.

It's not an easy thing to discuss live on air and I ended up almost in tears, but to have heard about this forum and to know that there ARE others out there with similar problems has been a huge help. I've undertaken to keep an audio diary for the station documenting my progress, which I am endeavouring to do, and I've been porn and masturbation free now for 2 weeks.

Phew - sorry, a bit of a brain dump, but I hope it strikes chords with someone out there.

Thanks for being there.

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