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Topics - Mayer

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Porn Addiction / How do I stop looking at other women
« on: December 16, 2017, 04:38:48 AM »
I have been in recovery for well over a year now, I have been through ups and downs with this as we all have. Being married my wife has helped me through it all. I have blocking apps stopping any porn, or porn subs. I have been reading multiple books, I have been in SA and now following a staton peele program. My biggest problem right now is objectifying women, I can't control it, it is out of control, I am ripping my marriage apart with it. How do I stop looking at other women down the street, or at the super market. I have broken my wife's boundaries with this, I have lied about doing it, and I don't know how to stop it. I have put myself in my wife's shoes and I surely wouldn't like to see her ogling other guys, the would make me jealous and full of hatred and anger, I can use this as fuel, and can bring this up anytime I feel tempted. How does anyone else get over this?

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Ages 40 and up / Can't believe I'm 40
« on: September 23, 2017, 02:51:23 AM »
I'm 40. I was forty yesterday so I thought I best make a new journal as I am now so old. I'm also in the 30 39 section if anyone wants to read my crazy path of recovery.
In my time though my recovery I have discovered a few things about myself. I have an obsessive nature and at some point in my past, around 14 or 15, I started to obsess about sex, I had it at the top of my list. Due to my huge amount of self esteem and self image issues I thought sex and even love would never happen for me. So this obsession with the physical act of sex turned into an obsession and an addiction to pornography. This followed my life even though I found love and marriage. It was hard to realise and accept this was an addiction, after reading a lot and having an amazingly caring and loving wife to help me through this I now understand a lot more about myself. I am currently in 12 step SA program which is fantastic, he God aspect of the program is difficult for me as an agnostic. But there are other programs that are out there with no religious aspect which I will be looking into. But for now I'm just trying to continue to stay sober and improve my myself.

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Porn Addiction / Lie detector
« on: April 16, 2017, 03:44:38 PM »
Has anyone had a lie detector test before. My wife wants me to get one but I am afraid it will say I am lying when I am not. I know they are not 100 percent accurate. I worried it will make things worse in an already struggling relationship.

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Help me understand
« on: December 29, 2016, 07:07:47 PM »
I wrote this yesterday but my browser deleted it so here goes again. Me and my wife have had some pretty deep and negative talks lately. Being a recovering porn addict myself I wonder what is in it for the partners. After a porn addict has recovered with all the necessary coping skills etc.., although recovery will never be complete, can you as partners ever really trust them fully again, I know my wife has told me it is very unlikely. There is always the worry of a relapse. Also the sex and intimacy, my wife now thinks she is bottom of the list in the bedroom, undesirable, and not at all sexy, which is totally untrue. Will these feelings ever change, will partners fully heal too? If not then if you stay with a porn addict what do you think life will be after the addiction has been beaten.

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Ages 30-39 / My reboot so far
« on: November 23, 2016, 01:41:26 AM »
So I'm 57 days in. It has been intense to say the least, but not from a stopping point of few but from and emotional one. I stopped 57 days ago and sure there have been some triggers, some movies with sexy girls in but that is about it, they were very controllable. The idea popped into my head but then I pushed the idea out. I haven't had PIED or any kind of ED in fact I am probably the opposite, sometimes I find it hard not to get erect and I get blue balls a lot. When me and my wife cuddle I often start to go hard. I had problems throughout my teenage years with constant erections at school and trying to hide them. I suppose that is an advantage of not being that well endowed. Probably the only advantage. I started to MO way back nearly 26 years ago, I guess I would have been around 13. There was a lot going around school whether you could or couldn't. I think I tried a few times till I could. I suppose it was a pretty good feeling at the time so continued doing it. But as with all types of sex you keep them secret, and I had kept it secret, for too long. I got married had kids, moved to New Zealand, all the time with my wife being kept in the dark. I suppose I justified it through a number of factors, my main ones being insecure with my body and with my love making abilities. I suppose watching porn does make you feel inferior, I can't do what those guys do, but I wouldn't want to either so I kind of get off on the fantasy of having the balls(so to speak) to do what they do, not really what they look like.
My wife walked in on me watching porn one morning before work, I was not masturbating. And ironically I was watching it to try to increase my prowess in the bedroom, a tip from Ron Jeremy no less. And even more ironic it turns out I was quite good in bed. I have always suffered with a bit of over excitement during sex, not really premature ejaculation but not really lasting long enough to satisfy my wife. I think PMO definitely increased my lasting time. There may have been one time that I can remember when I couldn't actually perform for my wife but I did used to turn her down for sex. She is beautiful, blonde, skinny, leggy, sexy the woman of my dreams and still I turned her down. It absolutely beggars belief why I would do this, I had a woman who wanted me but I didn't give myself to her. I have a lot of justifications running through my head for this but none of them make sense really when I analyse them. She thinks I have an attachment disorder, which I am inclined to agree with. I need to get to the bottom of it all which I am currently doing with my new counsellor. Yes I.m on my third, I think this one will help me reach deeper into myself.
Anyway the intensity has been in the way I have systematically destroyed my wife life. All of it unintentional yet all of it hurting more and more. First I lied then minimised and justified and all the things they tell you not to do, if only I realised on was an addict before his all came to light then I could have saved my wife from a shitload of distress. Also I am shit at empathy and expressing my own feelings. I'm still not fully convinced I am an addict, because I have stopped so easily, so it is really hard for me to go down this path, I do see a lot of similarities between me and some of your journals on here though. I'm on my third attempt at accepting what I am, I am really giving it my all this time, I have hurt my wife too much. We had a major fight last night and almost split up but I can thank my lucky stars she came back, I thought I had completely lost her.
So this is where I am now, if I fail this time she will surely leave. And she is right I will slip back into PMOing again, but then if your single I suppose you are only hurting yourself. Previously I thought to myself I would stop for her, she tells me I should stop for me but really I should stop for both of us, so we can connect and go forward and try to put this behind us. The intensity isn't over but hopefully I can reduce it. It will never fully go away, I realise that but I love her so neither am I.

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Porn Addiction / Avoidance
« on: November 22, 2016, 02:14:10 AM »
How healthy can this be, both me and my wife are avoiding talking to each other because we don't want to open up discussions. Discussions that I don't have answers to and that she gets hurt by any answers I do give. We seem to be talking normally about other subjects though, I,m not sure where this leaves us.

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Porn Addiction / Soul searching
« on: November 14, 2016, 02:37:38 AM »
I have been a porn addict for a long time, looking back I can't think of any reason how or why it started or continued as it did. I remember friends were watching porn and it was the cool thing, depraved but still cool among guys. Why though would I become an addict and not my friends? Am I just weaker than them or is there something more.

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Porn Addiction / Conflicted
« on: October 08, 2016, 08:54:20 PM »
I am totally conflicted, I have been telling myself I am an addict then not really believing myself. I was found by my wife looking at porn. I have been looking at porn or celebrity pictures and videos on and off for the last 25 years. I have been married for 13 of those. I had kept this all secret from my wife. I knew she didn't like it but I never considered myself cheating or lying which she fully believes is what l was doing. As it goes I pride my self on being open and truthful about just about everything. I always own up to my mistakes and when I am wrong, I always try to keep an open mind and be a realist about things so it is hard to accept all these bad qualities I now seemingly have. Am I a liar and a cheat? Is keeping a secret the same as lying? Is masturbating over porn the same as cheating? Can somebody give me some advice so I can move on with my life and marriage.

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