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Topics - NOfapjones23

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Ages 20-29 / Reboot Journal
« on: October 07, 2016, 10:09:13 AM »
Day 0

Where do I start ? I've been using porn since I was around 11 years old and even though at that point I thought that maybe I was doing something that was affecting me, all I found on the internet said that it was normal and it was just part of growing up. So given this, I continued to satisfy my desires and it never became a problem until I became sexually active and got in a serious relationship. I had always thought that I was just going through a phase that would pass. I used to say to myself "It's alright, once you find somebody that you love and you want to be with, you will stop seeking porn, and will focus entirely on your partner". This was definitely not the case, being in a relationship didn't even slow down my porn addiction progression. It created many problems and conflicts, because my performance was being affected by it. Eventually it just lowered my desire to have intimacy with my partner. 

It's been 16 years since I started watching porn and I am now a happily married man, to the woman of my dreams. She knows of my battles with porn which I struggle to overcome. She tries to understand, but honestly, I can tell that my PIED is creating a void between us that I can't stand anymore. I hate the fact that porn is making me not desire my wife and instead go to a computer and satisfy my desires there. It also affects my moods, and how I feel about the day and about myself. The way I keep track of my progress is through a calendar, in which a circle that day means good job and an x means falling back on old habits. It has been a good way to communicate to my wife what is going on, but it is not helping me progress on stoping porn addiction. This is why I decided to read Your brain on porn which my wife got for me, and also start a journal so that I can express how this makes me feel and hopefully the communication and mutual support with others that share my feelings will help me create a solid foundation to finally leave this addiction once and for all. 

The ways that I battle porn addiction right now is by using a net shield, but I am always looking for ways around this. This is a big reason why I sold my gaming consoles because at one point I was using them to feed my porn addiction through the web browser. I don't feel that my desires in porn are changing, but I do think that I am creating this false image in my brain about how a woman should look, or how big their breasts should be etc. which is what is affecting my desire to my wife. Even though, writing this makes me realize how deep in the rabbit hole I'm at, I am very excited to begin this journal and create a support group.

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