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Topics - PE30

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Ages 40 and up / Back on the wagon, part 3
« on: May 12, 2020, 05:25:01 AM »
Hi all

I've been here before. For those of you who are new: I'm 40, British, married with two children. I have had a long-term issue with using chat rooms, and a lesser (but connected) issue with pornography. I have been three months, six months, eight months clean, but fell off the wagon in March last year. (Looking back, the triggers were my dad getting remarried, plus work difficulties, but still).

To complicate matters: in 2013 I embarked on an affair with a woman who (whilst still overage) was a lot younger than me. It was mainly conducted online but we met up three times and slept together on one occasion. I lied to her about my marital status and I traumatised her severely when the truth came out. Every so often, she pops up and tells me what an awful person I am. My wife is aware of the full, ugly truth of it all.

I'm not the same person I was in 2013, and I've never repeated the same mistake, but I'm not the person I want to be. I have let my faith in God slide and have indulged myself too many times.

My aim is to stay clean, one day at a time, but crucially:
- to root out the insecurity and neediness that leads me to chat rooms;
- to grow as a child of God, as a husband and as a father.

I feel like I made excellent progress in 2017-19 and I want to build on that. To accept my failures and weaknesses but not let them rule me.

Today is day four. The first three days have been incredibly rocky and there have been times where I have wondered whether I have the strength to continue. I have been crying loads. Today has been a little easier though.

I'd really appreciate your prayers, guidance, support and encouragement as I go at this again, afresh.

Your wife finding out?
Losing your job?
Never seeing your kids again?
Never having a meaningful relationship again?

Or maybe just finding a greater joy than porn?

What would it take?

Porn Addiction / Misogynistic language on here
« on: September 16, 2018, 03:30:39 AM »
There's been quite a lot of misogynistic language on here recently. People describing porn actresses as filthy sluts and so on. Or saying that women on Tinder all have STDs.

These are people's daughters, sisters, loved ones. Nurturing a hatred of women as part of your reboot is the dictionary definition of two wrongs not making a right. Respect is fundamental to any reboot.

Hi all

I'm on day 23 of my latest reboot (after having got myself dragged back in after a 150+ day streak). I've deactivated Twitter, I don't post on Facebook other than as an admin for a social group, I've quit the music forum I used to post in. All of which because they were acting as replacement behaviours.

I'm struggling with my mental health this reboot- feel depressed, panicky, sometimes tearful, as a result of the damage I know I've caused people. But I feel like I'm achieving something through the pain.

I guess my question is this: if, like me, you sometimes lost hours a day to your addiction, what do you now do with your time? How do you stop yourself from getting bored and restless? How do you readjust your mind? I feel like I've programmed my brain to expect near constant stimulation, but 'clean' life isn't like that.

Any tips or advice would be useful. Thanks!


I find desiringgod really helpful in this regard. Lots of reasons to leave porn behind, and lots of alternatives.

Success Stories / 200 days clean :)
« on: May 13, 2018, 12:01:02 PM »
Hi all

Married British guy here in his late 30s. This is my third or fourth attempt at a reboot since joining this site.

You can see my journal on the 30s forum but today marks 100 days clean. That's clean of P, MO, chat rooms and subs. It's not been easy: I felt horrendously low the first few weeks, but I've gradually gained momentum and confidence. My libido is pretty strong right now but it's under control.

BEFORE: regularly lying to my wife, hiding things from her, mild PIED, having to juggle our sex life with my addiction, impact on my workload, friendships and self esteem.

SINCE: better relationship with my wife and children, better sex, clean conscience, more productive at work, less anxious, a kinder, more rounded person, a closer relationship with God.

Where next? Simple: just get to day 101. The only way to do this is one day at a time. I got through yesterday without porn, chat rooms and MO, therefore I can get through tomorrow. I couldn't have got to 100 days by setting myself a 100 day target.

It can be done: you don't need porn, you don't need chat rooms, and you can live a life without this addiction.

EDITS: relapsed after 170-odd days; got back on the wagon; posted at 100 days, 6 months, now 200 days.

Teens / A message from a 38 year old man to the teen forum
« on: April 17, 2018, 07:42:46 AM »
Hiya. If you're sat there thinking "I want to give up porn," think of it this way.

I'm a 38 year old man, and I wish I'd said no to porn when I was your age. But I didn't. Or more like, I said no, and then said yes again, and then said no, and yes, and no, and yes, and no, and yes... and in the years between the ages of 16 (when I first nicked a porn mag from my brother's bedside drawer) to the age of 38, I was trapped in a cycle of revulsion, repentance and relapse.

And this habit developed from magazines, to the internet, to chat rooms, to Skype and other messaging services, to actually meeting up with someone from online and having sex with them in a hotel room whilst my wife thought that I was away on a work conference.

And when it all came to light, I nearly lost everything. I could have lost my marriage, my job, my children, the reputation I'd built up over the years... I lost so much when it all came to light but I was able to rebuild.

And if you look on the 30s / 40s forums, you'll see many other guys like me. Some of us have managed to make things right; some of us have ended up wrecking their whole lives. There are people who have ended up arrested for possession of child porn... there are people who have ended up down all kinds of avenues that their teenage selves would have never thought likely.

So please, make a choice today. And keep making that choice. When you're depressed, make that choice. When you've been dumped, make that choice. When you're a bit tired and horny, make that choice. If one person reads this and makes a life-time choice to stay away from porn, then I'll be pleased.

Not great when you're trying to update your journal on your lunchbreak!!

Ages 30-39 / Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: February 02, 2018, 10:58:11 AM »
Right, day zero again.

I'm a man in his late 30s, married, two children. I have struggled with porn and chat room addiction since my late teens. I got clean in June 2017 and went three months without anything. Had maybe two or three brief relapses and then a long relapse of about six weeks coming into today.

I received another message from a woman I'd been messaging previously, saying that I had essentially ruined her life. In a way, this is true: on a chat room, I was able to hide large parts of myself, my relationship status, parental status and so on, and present myself as this good looking, kind man who'd be good in a relationship. Of course it's all nonsense because I already am in a relationship.

Previous relapses haven't been as hard and as entrenched, but there's still that horrible underlying dissatisfaction in myself. Why do I feel the need for validation through others? Why do I convince myself that I need more than what I have at the moment? I have a beautiful wife, two beautiful daughters, a good job, good friends, health and wisdom and talent.

Anyway I'm calling this day 0. Everything needs to start again.

To those who previously followed my journey and were so encouraging to me: I'm sorry. I ask for your forgiveness and ask that you will help me start my journey again.

Hi all

Given that there are quite a number of Christian recovering PAs on here, I wondered whether it might be worth collating useful articles / links for mutual support and encouragement. Obviously if you're not a Christian then you might still find these resources helpful, but I thought it might help. As it says in Proverbs 27:17: "as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another".

I'll kick us off. Here's a really good article from the Desiring God website regarding sexual sin and temptation:

And this isn't really about the issue of temptation but it's such a beautiful song that it might help you. All about God's creative ability and grace towards us.

Ages 30-39 / Back on the wagon
« on: June 14, 2017, 11:41:02 AM »
Hi all.

I'm a married guy with two children; I am a Christian. I joined up to this last autumn and managed nearly two months porn and chat-room free. Then my stepmum died and in the stress (and in the three nights in my dad's house away from my wife and kids) I relapsed.

And I relapsed hard. To the point where I had two women who both wanted to meet me for sex: one of whom I was actually due to meet tomorrow, and one of whom I was due to meet next month.

Anyway, last Thursday I had a Facebook message out of the blue from a girl I'd previously cheated on my wife with. (Back-story: we met on a chat room in late 2013, slept together in early 2014, got found out later that year). I'd lied so much to this girl - I'd essentially catfished her, using a different name, withholding my marital status... and she has been ruminating over the past couple of years on how much hurt I've caused her.

I've apologised, profusely, and I'm hoping that this is the end of it. I did a horrible thing back then and I'm gutted that I allowed it to spill into real life and cause her real hurt.

So that's it for the chat rooms. The porn was never so much of an issue - it was more of a chaser when I couldn't find anyone to chat with.

Anyway, I'd really appreciate your help with
(a) conquering the feelings of guilt, shame and fear which now plague me;
(b) making sure that I kick this habit into the grass for the rest of my living days.

In a way, I'm thinking that these feelings of guilt and shame are healthy to an extent as they're galvanising my brain into staying away from anything that might damage my relationship with my wife. Also I'm wondering whether there was a degree of God-given timing to her message: it was a painful message to receive but if it's served to protect me from further unfaithfulness then it's no bad thing.

Ages 30-39 / Porn and chat-room free
« on: September 21, 2016, 10:30:36 AM »
Hi all

Firstly, can I just say that I wish I'd stumbled across this website years ago. It's amazing to see that there are literally thousands of other people battling with the same things I've battled with for years.

I'm 37. I'm married with two children. I'm a Christian and I've been involved in church ministry since I was about 16.

I've struggled on and off with masturbation, pornography, online chat-rooms and so on for over 20 years. It's come and gone over that time - I've got free, relapsed, and so on for much of that time. Things however came to a head in 2014 when my wife discovered that I'd met a girl online and then met her in real life, sleeping with her.

I got clean again for over five months, and then relapsed again on a day that I was at home unwell. Since then, it's been an on and off struggle until the Saturday before last where things came to a head again.

I've struggled with self-image for most of my life - always felt like I've had to prove myself in terms of the way I look, my attraction to others and so on. Which is crazy, as I have a beautiful, caring, supportive wife and two lovely children.

It's just got to the stage now where I'm 37, sick of being controlled by these thoughts and I want to break free.

I'm currently 10 days' clean of porn, chat rooms and so on. I'm so glad to stumble across this forum as there is nobody in my life who really properly understands the struggle I have. (Or if they do, they're keeping a poker face about it).

All encouragement, prayers and support welcome. Hoping to keep this up for as long as it takes.

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