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Topics - NewVerse

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Ages 40 and up / If not now, when?
« on: November 26, 2018, 05:41:13 PM »
I haven't been here in years so I thought it would be better to start fresh

I'm a porn addict but mainly I am a chat and fantasy addict. I have had some form of intermittent PIED since I was a teenager. Long before I knew what it meant. My first attempts at sex were failures and I knew on some level porn was the reason. I was addicted to watching lesbian stuff. Real girls as attracted as I was didn't move me the same way. Once I cut back on watching VHS tapes, eventually I settled in and my sex life became "normal" but It always lingered somewhere in the background. I would binge on occasion, but I knew having real sex and relationships rested on me keeping these impulses in check. For over a decade it was a success.

Once high speed internet entered my life, that balance was up ended. Chat rooms became my demon. Without getting too much into the pathetic details it again revolved around lesbians. The ups and downs of pretending to be someone else were both euphoric and horrific. The intensity of the dopamine highs, and the soul crushing lows of coming back to reality.
My ED came back to humiliate me again and I have still not recovered.

A few years ago, when I discovered ybop and nofap, I realized the changes that were going on in my brain, and made an attempt to rewire. I have had a couple streaks of over a month here and there. I think the longest being about 55 days. I always like myself more on these runs. But at some point I settled in on the habit of staying clean during the week and slipping on weekends. I looked at being clean as a resource of feeling more energy and on top of my game, and at some point lost focus of my original goal of rewiring, kicking the can down the road.

For the past decade or more I have avoided so many opportunities at relationships, or even dates knowing I wasn't "ready". A couple months ago I found myself avoiding yet another opportunity with a woman I was interested in out of fear of ED.

I kept telling myself "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?", and I have been clean since that day. I'm on day 51 of hardmode. By the end of this week it will be the longest I have ever gone without porn, chat and fantasy and MO. Time to finally fix this broken brain.

If you made it this far. Thank you so much for reading. I still have a long way to go.

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Ages 40 and up / NewVerse's Journey
« on: March 16, 2014, 03:35:55 PM »
Hi all,

Some of you know me from YBR. This seems like an oddly appropriate day to start my account here, since I need a fresh start of sorts.

I won't go through my entire story again, but just some main details. I'm 40 years old, single, and have been addicted to PMO on some level since I was a teenager.

I experienced ED my first couple attempts at actual sex as a teenager. It was deeply humiliating. I used to think it was nerves, and shyness, but believe now much of this was due to a combination of nerves, and exposure to too much porn at an early age. O was something I experienced with my hand thinking about women, or watching lesbian images and videos. I was so attracted to girls, but real sex with real girls felt unnatural.

I tried again and a again until i got it right, and cut back considerably on PMO, until i struck the right balance. I had solved my ED problem, and on some level knew that a healthy sexual life rested on very limited PMO. I was good through my 20s, and had relationships, and healthy sex life until the internet threw this delicate balance off.

My much more destructive demon became chatrooms. So destructive that It eventually killed my sex life completely. The total escape consumed me. I didn't even have to be myself. I could be anyone I wanted in these rooms.  It was so destructive that I lost sight of how destructive just regular PMO was to me. I quit chat more times than i can count. I thought regular PMO is fine, but not only is PMO damaging, it always leads me back to the larger demon. My ED came back in full force to humiliate me again. I delved deeper into fantasy, so I wouldn't have to think about it.

I lost over a decade of my life to chasing dopamine highs, while the real me suffered through this nightmare, and avoided real relationships. I was well aware this was an addiction, but it wasn't until Feb 2014 that I learned what was going on in my brain, and what had truly happened to me. With the support of some of you here, I started a journey to re-claim my life, and rewire my brain. I spent 34 days clean (longest ever), learning more about myself in many ways than i had learned in 25 years. In many ways I felt better, and strogner than I have ever felt. I learned all the tricks, and gimmicks of my inner addict until 2 days ago my inner addict convinced me to make a conscious choice to relapse. Give in this one time, and binge hard so I can study the results. "This isn't a 'one last time' trick. I need this for my recovery" On some level I knew it was a trick, but it also made sense to me. Well played, demon. and I did in fact study, and note every detail and sensation during this binge. It was fascinating. and miserable.

Anyway, i'm back on track. Shaking this one off, and coming back stronger. I'll still continue to post in YBR and here, until with your help I get my life back. Maybe I can also help some others along the way.

Good to be here.

NewVerse

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