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Topics - hoague

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Ages 40 and up / Another voice in the wind
« on: August 21, 2016, 02:13:34 PM »
Hi everyone. Amazing to read all of the journals and stories here that feel so similar to mine. I look forward to becoming a part of your conversations - please if you have suggestions or thoughts about my situation do share and let me know.

I'm sure my story is nothing new but just to write it down because I never have... Started young with physical magazines and very basic dial-up. Used to read playboy at age 12 or so in the local thrift store in rural north carolina by putting it in a larger paper I pretended to read. I'm sure the clerk knew but he never said anything. Found a stack of penthouse in an old truck in a field. I'm sure that guy was pissed when he came back and found them gone. Graduated to online pictures that took 30 seconds to come down when AOL was working well.

High speed internet came along after college and I never looked back. 3x a day if I wasn't doing anything else and that's been the deal as long as I can remember up until 10 days ago. I have gone through the progression that Gabe talks about in his excellent videos. Start with guy on girl, get desensitized, move on, and on, and on. Began to get worried about my developing tastes and looked around for a description of the situation. Arousal addiction fit my symptoms very well - hearing that it's an addiction like chemical dependency made me feel both better and scared. Seeing effects like memory ramifications, physical ED that doesn't manifest during M sessions, decreased life drive in general, depression. Between video games and PMO I've lost a lot of great women. So now I'm 47, in a sexless marriage, no kids and wondering where it all went.

My last straw came a couple weeks ago. My latest fixation has been asian women. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your viewpoint, I came to the pacific northwest where asians abound. I've had two asian affairs now at work, one ending with her question to me whether I would take care of her for the rest of my life (I backed away from that fortunately). The other went further mentally into what I can only call love. To find the intensity of feelings after 10 years with one woman has been amazing but of course she's married too, and 30. To find someone that doesn't appear to have a problem with 17 years' difference in age is obviously rare (and suspect) but we are keeping it a work thing and I'm left with the inevitable drawdown in emotion. I'm sure everyone that has had a work fling knows the intensity that goes along with it. And the intense mood swings when it starts to fade. She's headed to another city in a few months and that's going to be a rough time.

We had a night after work that went on until 2am while my wife was out of town but her husband was not. Disaster on her end and you can well imagine the crazy emotions that were running through us both. I didn't want to tell my wife but I knew I had to do something to explain my mood changes so I got more serious about quitting PMO, found Gabe's story and decided to undertake the long-overdue effort to stop and get clean - that's what I told her instead of the reality of my lack of faithfulness. It's been 10 days. I'm faced with this woman at work - her perfect body and a personality that fits with me to a T. Never expected to find it with someone so young - maybe it's because I'm so immature! It's like having the object of your PMO addiction walking and talking to you every day. I have no idea how I'm going to stop thinking about her - tried having sex with the wife this morning. Same problems as always. I'm reading 90 days to get clean. I cannot imagine how that's going to happen - feels like I have two grapefruits down there. I'm hopeful things can turn around. My wife is a great person - we've been to counseling and I give us maybe 50/50 at this point. Hoping with no PMO the odds will improve. She says she's supportive of my efforts.

Feels good to get it out - none of this is something I feel comfortable sharing with my buddies. I guess it's not until you hit the embankment that you realize fully that you're sliding sideways down the road.

Ah well - life, right? Here's to making it to day 11.

Thanks guys - have a good one.

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