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Topics - imnipper

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Ages 40 and up / Never
« on: October 21, 2016, 03:26:51 PM »
I never thought this would be so hard.

I hit this site hard when I discovered it earlier this year confident that I could "slay the dragon" and use the site and the support that I have to help.

I failed and then I failed again.  I am trying to keep it in perspective and was told that it is not surprising that I was unable to give up porn and stop masturbating for more than a couple of days, that this process is new and unknown and that it is still possible to succeed.

Today is my 52nd birthday and I have spent the last couple of months bargaining with myself, reflecting on how I have used porn, how I have engaged sexually throughout my life, how I have aged, how the rules have changed and what I can expect going forward.

I hope (and think) I have a better understanding of this reboot process works and I am approaching it as someone who has tried before and, through that experience, may have a better understanding of the triggers and how to use the tools that I have to beat this.

I take profound hope in the message that we can reboot, that I can know a sexually satisfying relationship and that I will find life with pixels not to be a compromise.

 

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Ages 40 and up / WAS PERSEUS GAY?
« on: July 11, 2016, 01:18:53 PM »
I am so scared.

It wasn't a conscious deal but I grew up fearing AIDS.  I came out in the mid-80's and never knew anal sex to be safe.  I feared it and hated the use of condoms.

I began to transfer my drive for anything anal to porn in order to avoid unsafe sex.  For close to 30 years, the vast majority of sex that I have had has been anal-free.

I remember processing it in my 20's and reconciling my satisfaction through porn and a very sexually active life (bookstores, bath houses, sex clubs, etc).  I used to pride myself on the fact that I never had a problem getting an erection or controlling my orgasm.

I don't really remember when PIED started but, now that I think about it, it was right around the time streaming porn became available.

So it was about a month ago that I saw Gabe on Chelsea and found this site.  I have been educating myself and engaging with members and I know what I have to do.

Today is the day.

For anyone that might have come here to answer the question:  "was Perseus gay?",  I don't know but he was a dragon slayer and if you have ever seen the movie "Clash of the Titans" with Harry Hamlin, you should know why I ask.

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Ages 40 and up / DRAGON SLAYER
« on: June 09, 2016, 12:37:39 AM »
9:48 p.m..  As usual, it will be another 3 hours before I turn off and go to sleep.  Should I take an Ambien tonight and give myself 6 hours uninterrupted?  I've been doing it less and less and probably won't tonight.  It doesn't really matter how much sleep I get or when I go to sleep since it doesn't really matter when I get out of bed in the morning.  I'm usually up for the day around 8 even if I am up for an hour or more between 1 and 8.  The thing is that I can work from bed and, if I don't get a good night sleep, might just work from 8-9 and then go back to sleep for an hour.....or just work and surf the internet until I need to walk my dog.

Until last week, this routine flow included no less than 2 hours of porn and no less than 2 (and sometimes as many as 5) orgasms (I'm new and need to dedicate time to learning the codes PMO MO etc).

Thanks, Chelsea, for introducing me (by accident) tonight to this site.

Over the last month plus, I have decided to fix myself.  I've known that I am a porn addict for a very long time but I have been in denial about the damage it has caused.  I justified it the way I justify my use of pot or of the card game Spades (neither of which I see as a handicap to reaching my life goals).  Perhaps someday I will feel the same about Spades and pot that I do about porn, but I digress...

I am a 51 year old (almost 52) gay man whose life is pretty charmed but for the fact that sex has become increasingly difficult and porn has become central to my sexual satisfaction.  I don't know how it is or when it was  that I allowed porn to become the solution to my satisfaction and allowed myself to believe it instead of seeing the truth that porn was the problem.

Here it is (in sum):  I am a good looking guy with an ego but I don't think I am that unique or beautiful.  I remember before I came out thinking that "everyone feels this way and doesn't talk about it" and that sooner or later I would outgrow it and marry a woman.  So, too, every guy (no matter how "hot") sees guys out there that they want and who are not interested in them.  It is okay that my flirtation with the hottest guys in the room goes unnoticed since each of the hottest guys have probably felt like me at some point, too.  AND I can go home and get lost in porn to an army of the hottest guys in the world.  They are my boyfriends and they are my lovers.  They say exactly what I want them to say.  They hold that glance and share that thought at just the right moment.  They pause when they should they are covert and coy in their flirtation and they never change.  I have scenes, moments, actors in hundreds of movies that I have seen hundreds of times and that will give me the shot that I need every single time.  THEY LOVE ME exactly how I want to be loved.  Now that I am (almost) 52, I don't expect more than that.

Right?  Okay.  So I am finally waking up.  After the end of a nearly 10 year marriage (he ended it unceremoniously and never gave me closure or a reason...although I think this is a big part of it) and then several subsequent "boyfriends" (one that lasted on and off for three years and one that got too serious too fast for 8 months of the most unfulfilling sex I have ever known with a man), I am ready to take on this dragon.

I have the support of a gay therapist I trust and am working the a gay acupuncturist whom is also a sympathetic source of support and who is helping me to manage myself through eastern thought and medicine.

I'm also participating in a monthly mens yoga group where we practice yoga specifically to charge our sexual energy while also meditating and sharing.

I love living in West Hollywood!

On Sunday we met and I opened up about my addiction.  Another participant shared his experience and how he has given up porn for 4 months and that he is "rewired.  He assured me that I may not want to jerk off without porn initially but that it would pass.  That has been true since I watched my last porn last Friday. 

For a few days I was horny but suffering from ED.  I am sexualizing every man I see (OMG...watching the gymnasts prepping for the Olympics on Sunday afternoon before yoga was really confusing).

Finally last night (and again this morning) I j/o'd without porn!  I fantasized about it to get my erection and to get off but (for the first time in I don't know how long) I got an erection and got off without pixels.

Baby steps. 

Next goal:  bust a nut while standing.  Stay tuned. 

 

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