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Topics - Divided

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Is this an answer?
« on: May 10, 2016, 03:22:53 PM »
  Greetings to you, one and all. Although I am not entirely new here (roughly a month of lurking), this is my first time posting anything. I feel, somehow, compelled to join the discussions here in the partners section… not so much to share my story (which I no doubt will), as to make sense of this senseless drama before my eyes… this overwhelmingly invasive, socially ignored yet individually consumed in gluttonous proportions, visual stimulation we refer to as P.

   In brief, so as to clarify that I do in fact battle with this compulsive activity myself:
I am a 37 y/o man and have been addicted for about 17 years now, and have battled with PIED for pretty much exactly as long as that, to the point where I now experience it during PMO. As a result of my addiction I am now living separately from my wife and children, am on antidepressants (for years already), seeking psychological help...and continue to struggle with “it” - albeit far better than I would have expected for myself living alone.
   My story may have certain differences to each of your SO's, but somewhere behind it all is a common thread of similarity and familiarity to all of our stories.

   One thing, however, has caught my attention and I spend my spare time trying to formulate an answer to it… and that is the question SO’s of addicts are asking: why?

   My wife asked me this so many times, in so many ways, and I feel deeply for her needing an answer… because, let's face it, “I don't know”, is an incredibly frustrating one. Sadly, however, it is the same reply I have given for the eight years of our relationship… yet it is honest.
   Now, perhaps you noticed the terrifying irony in that? It's the only truth about the extent of my usage that I was consistently able to tell my wife… everything else (well almost) was denied, hidden, lied about when questioned and generally treated as if it really wasn't such a big deal anyhow. Yet I told the truth when I said that I don't know???
   How sad.

   I have known that my usage of P was unhealthy since I was about 20, and in the seven years it took from then to meet my wife, I had learned to never speak of it to anyone. Within my evolving circle of friends I have never encountered a real conversation about porn, except passing jokes that would indicate that they, too, watch it. From this perspective it was almost granted that I wouldn't tell my wife about it, after all, it had been proven to me that it is a “non-discussed” topic, a thing that boys do and girls don't like (the vast majority rolling their eyes in disapproval to said jokes).
   I don't remember my wife ever asking me about it in the early days of our relationship, and even if she did, I would have only ever admitted to having seen it but not being in to P (which was true in the sense that I never wanted to watch sex, but false in the way I see the subject now).

   The trouble, I think, is that when we first lie about it, it happens almost instinctively, like a knee-jerk reaction. Then we get caught, and in an attempt to minimise the damage, we lie about how often it really occurs - this is also to do with us carrying so much shame about it with us that we, ourselves, don't want to admit to the fact that it happens as often as it does.... in my opinion at least.

   I never meant to hurt my wife. And in some confused way I was trying to protect her by lying to her. I could see that it really bothered and offended her, and I kept believing that I could control it. But, clearly, I was deluding myself. And hurting her more than I was aware.

   She deserves to be happy.

   She deserves a real answer.

   I never compared her to the women I looked at, and always found her to be the beautiful woman that she is, yet through my use (and continued denial) of P I have damaged her self esteem, her sense of pride in her beauty, her faith in men, in love, and in me. I may not be the all and end all of her struggles in life (god knows all women still have enough of those, in these “modern” times), but through my ignorant selfishness I reinforced a bitter social message that women are still somehow seen as fodder for mens’ desires.
   How dare I call myself a caring man if that's what I impose on the woman I have promised my heart to?

-_-  I'm still not able to answer why… am I?

   Before I ramble incoherently further, I think I should call it a night with this post… and see what comes from it.

Peace and respect to you all. Keep strong and love who you're going to become after all this...

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