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Topics - Stp215

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Ages 40 and up / My Journal - Yes, I'm a PMO Addict
« on: April 16, 2016, 05:28:41 AM »
I never thought I'd say those words in the title, but here I am. Learned about this site through the TIME magazine article and while reading it I kept thinking, "OMG, that's me." In my 40s now and realize I have been an addict for PMO for the better part of 30 years. And despite being married with 2 children, PIED has been a struggle since my 20s.

I could go on about how seductive and gratifying PMO has been to me. I've been fairly successful getting women over the years and had several long-term relationships. But PMO was like a security blanket the whole time, and it was so easy. Getting a girlfriend and lining up sex required a certain amount of "work." PMO was easy access, with the most beautiful women on the planet available for your eyes. Over time the mental high of PMO became intense, far greater than from real sex eventually. There was never any awkwardness or bad experiences with PMO. You could lose yourself in this fantasy world where everything was perfect. How could anything that feels so good be bad for you? I always rationalized it by telling myself it was a normal physical function. It wasn't like drugs or alcohol where you were harming your internal organs, right? Boy was I wrong.

Over time the PiED got progressively worse. It caused massive problems in my relationships. One of my biggest regrets in all this is that my PIED was probably the main factor in ruining several relationships. I can think of at least two former girlfriends that I almost certainly would have been married to by now if not for PIED. And every time there was an awkward, embarrassing situation with a woman, I would retreat to PMO as a reassurance that, yes, I could still perform and get some pleasure. In time I think my mind came to associate real sex with PIED-related awkwardness and PMO with pure joy, which only made the snowball roll downhill bigger and faster. Sex with my wife has become so awkward and unpleasant that we rarely if ever do it. For that and other unrelated reasons, the marriage is rocky to say the least. I haven't talked to her about PIED or PMO, as I think it would just create another fight and a barrage of judgments and criticismsc  directed at me, really the last thing I need to hear right now.

Another problem was that, until now, the concept of PIED didn't exist, at least not in my world. I went to doctors about it but didn't dare tell them that I engaged in PMO multiple times daily. They gave me Levitra and it did have a positive effect, but not consistently. Some nights it would result in a raging hard-on, other times nothing. In a culture where men tend to brag about sexual conquests, I got a sense that this was a problem unique to me. What a revelation here that so many others are dealing with the same thing.

I stopped PMO on April 12. In some ways it's been easier than I thought, in other ways harder. I think I'm in flatline stage now. So from a strictly physical standpoint, my body isn't screaming out to O. Mentally is different. It's so clear to me now how this is 90% about the chemical release in the brain and 10% about the physical gratification. When I am busy with work and other things I am mentally distracted and don't think about it. When driving in the car or other times, my mind starts thinking about PMO, about some of my favoite porn images, and the desire is there.

I've tried quitting in the past but never had a resource like this as a guide. I'd hit flatline and, not knowing what was going on, reverted to PMO just to remind myself I could still do it. I also convinced myself that O was an important physical and mental process and without it I was making myself less mentally and physically healthy. I read somewhere that not regularly exercising your prostate through O allowed toxins to build up there and increased your chances of getting prostate cancer. That was all the justification I needed to hear to validate my pedal-to-the-metal PMO-ing.

Not sure where all this is headed. I think I can continue to be PMO free, but I'm wondering, to what end? My goal is to be able to perform well sexually with a woman and feel normal and whole again. But with the dysfunctional state of my marriage, the idea of having real sex any time soon is unlikely. That makes me wonder, "then why bother?" Life is too short to deny myself; just do something that makes me feel good. It's a struggle. I will continue to post here and read others' posts. I will offer whatever sharing and support I can. Thanks.

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