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Topics - Hahnsolo

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Ages 20-29 / Simple man, complex journey
« on: May 13, 2016, 02:13:13 AM »

This is my simplified journal. I believe that I got too carried away with words last time that thoughts got lost. And after the recent tough times, anxiety, and relapse I’ve had I need something different. Here is what I have learned so far.

I am 24 yr old guy married with two ages 3 and 9 mo. I am generally classified by peers to be successful with many things in life which I can credit to God and my wife. Although I have come an extremely long way from being that nervous, shy, nerdy high schooler without a direction I have always been held up by one thing. Porn.
Introduced to porn when I was 12 then computers and internet soon after. PMO has had a major hold on my life ever since even though I have tried many times to stop.
Porn became an issue with my wife and stopped 5 years ago… or so she thought. There has only been one time since that she believes I have relapsed.
Renewed drive since my wife is now pregnant.

Created a level of deviance and secrecy.
Mental ED of sorts. Most of the time I fantasize to get more into real sex.
Mental clarity and memory seem to be one of my biggest losses personally. My brain seems to have been rewired to not need to keep most long term memories, even important ones.

Completely stop. Minimize or cut out MO.
Get to a point where I am comfortable bringing my wife into this reboot journey. She just doesn’t understand the depth and complexity of this addiction.
I hope to become a support for others dealing with this addiction and change their life.

Rotating schedule/Rotating shifts/12 hr shifts
Women are sexy. lol

Just like getting healthy it’s a lifestyle choice. Trying to tackle this like a fad won’t work in the long run.
Eating healthy and working out has improved my life overall.
Need a cool down method (still haven’t figured mine out)
Ups and downs will happen. Gotta hang on for the ride and reach out for help

Ages 20-29 / Journey Journal
« on: March 28, 2016, 03:43:46 AM »
Porn... The biggest thing that stands in the way of the man I want to be.

I am 24 yr old guy who is happily married to a wonderful woman who is the mother of my two amazing children ages 3 and 9 mo. About 5 years ago I turned my life around setting goals of the type of man, husband, and father that I wanted to become. I am generally classified by peers to be successful with many things in life which I can only accredit to my wife's dedication and God who point me in the right direction. Although I have come an extremely long way from being that nervous, shy, nerdy high schooler  without a direction I have alway been held up by one thing. Porn.

I was introduced into the world of porn at the age of 12 or 13 and the introduction of Internet and computers kick started a whole new world of lust and self pleasure that got out of control. This new world took me to a new level deviance and secrecy that sadly I have not been able to get rid of to this day. As things got serious in my relationship with my now wife, porn became an issue and was put to rest... at least in the eyes of my wife. There has only been 1 occasion since I "dropped" it 5 years ago that she believes that I have relapsed back into porn. Needless to say I didn't drop it and still give into porn as many times as twice a day. This is twice a day that I pull myself away from my wife and kids without them knowing what I'm doing and give in to a call that truly shames me. All attempts to quit have been failures and I believe support on my journey may be the key to getting me out of this hole.

After learning what I have over the years about this addiction I realized that my mind and memory seems to be one of my biggest losses. I have the most issues with remembering anything that would count as normal memories since I started down the path of porn and I need to change so I don't forget any more important things. I don't even remember most of the relationship I have had with my wife or almost any specifics of my kids lives!!! I am too smart and talented of an individual to be losing something so important to this battle. I am grateful that I have no issues with ED but I know if I continue without changing my course I will be headed that way soon.

My ultimate goal is to stop completely. Its a simple goal but super difficult and I know that I will need help and support. As much as I would love it to come from my wife, she just doesn't understand the depth and the addiction that is truly involved. In the future I hope that I can be just as much of a support for people dealing with this and change the course of someone's life. It is then that I believe that I will have true appreciation of the life God has given me and the opportunities that have always been in front of me, I just have been too blind to see.

Here is to the journey that is to come and the man that we all hope to be someday.


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