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Topics - harry

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Ages 40 and up / Who knew...?
« on: January 04, 2016, 11:37:23 PM »
Hello,

I thought porn was basically harmless - even though I PMO’d 2, 3 or more times a day. It was a hobby, and a cool way to pass the time, hours and hours of it sometimes. 

My earlier porn watching in the 90s and 00s was centered around drug use (speed), and while I watched a lot, it was a periodic. In the last 5 years, I’ve used porn to masturbate much more frequently (no more drugs - been clean and sober for years).

I first realized there was a problem last summer when I hooked up with a guy and had trouble maintaining an erection. I thought, hey, I’m 54, shit happens, but it prompted me to do a little research. I was stunned when I saw Gary Wilson’s TED Talk video, but not shaken enough to quit porn even though I had some of the signs - couldn’t masturbate without it and escalating/morphing porn tastes.

I decided to try an experiment - I took Viagra before my next encounter. Initially, things seemed promising. But the guy was late, and even though I’d taken slightly more than the maximum dose, the Viagra began to wear off shortly after we got started. Really very humiliating and irritating since now, there was a pattern. 

Naturally, I was panicked into doing a deep dive on porn addiction. I was truly amazed at all of the information available at YBOP - I watched a bunch of videos and read a lot. I have PIED, DE, deathgrip, and PA. I stopped the porn cold turkey 30 days ago, but I continued to MO. This was a little tricky, but my dick got used to it. I even used a much lighter grip.

I didn’t believe this would hurt my reboot because I started porn later in life and didn’t abuse it for too long. Of course, I found myself chasing the next hit of dopamine in the exact manner I had chased the drink and drugs and cigarettes. In other words, total addict behavior.

I made a decision to take this much more seriously and have found an accountability partner. It’s a little weird talking about this stuff, but I’ve learned from my 12-step recovery work that it really helps. I did discuss this with my therapist, but this was out of his area of expertise.

I want to thank all the people who make this forum possible. I’ve learned I should hold off on MO until I am healed. I should not use any PSubs (Scruff bad). So far, the PMO has been pretty easy - the no MO has not been easy at all. This is why I am posting this letter to the forum. 

I want my dick back, damn it. And, I want the delight I used to feel for my sexuality. I am very grateful for the reboot solution!   

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