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Topics - B-RYE

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I just realized I'm finally in the inevitable flatline stage. I have no morning wood, spontaneous erections, or urges to PMO.

Has anyone else embraced their flatline? I feel like I was in such a depressed/anxious fog before, but now I feel great. I know this will only last so long and I will have my ups and downs, but it's nice to not have to worry about any urges at the moment.

One step closer to recovery.  8)

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Ages 20-29 / The Adventures of a Recovering Porn Addict
« on: December 22, 2015, 05:06:19 PM »
This is my very first journal entry. I've been reading a lot of posts here, on Reboot Nation, and figured it was time to introduce myself.

Prologue

The first time I watched porn was between the age of 7 and 10. I can't remember the exact year because I blocked out most of my childhood. My parents divorced when I was 2, realized I was gay around 5 and, soon after, found pornography.

Porn was an escape from me. It was so taboo and I knew what I was looking at was “wrong". Everyone knew about it, but no one was really talking about it. It was my secret thing that I did and explored and only talked about it with my close friends that were boys.

It all started when I discovered my Father’s porn stash. He had VHS tapes and toys galore and I could not get enough. I don't remember ever getting caught, but I think my Father must of assumed I found it, but never talked to me about it.

My family never talked about sex. I don't even remember getting the sex talk. Or if I did, it was long over due and underwhelming.

Then I got my first computer in my room, but that didn’t really change things, because I didn't really know how to search for porn back in the mid 90's, before the invention of Google. So I would still watch my Father's old 80’s VHS tapes.

As I progressed in age, so did my computer skills and so did the amount of porn I watched. My Father would build PCs when I was a kid, so naturally I was interested in learning everything about computers. That's one of the few interests him and I share to this day.

I soon learned how to properly find and search for porn sites and being the savvy tech kid that I was, I learned how to clear my browser history.

I always knew it was wrong and there was a lot of shame that came with my addiction. I remember going into the 6th grade and thinking to myself, "Do other kids watch as much porn as I do?"

My porn addiction allowed me disconnect from the real world and my problems. As a matter of fact, that's probably why I've always been so socially awkward. I was never the “popular" one in school (boo hoo) and I had some very weird friends. We were labeled as "the Misfits" because we just didn't quite fit into any of the normal cliques. But we embraced the fact that we were different.

When I transitioned into high school, I started exploring my sexuality. Even though I only dated girls, because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do, I ended up hooking up with two boys. I remember my performance not even being a question. Those were the best boners of my life.

And then I married a woman. (that's a completely different story for another time.) But I’ll give you a little summary:

I grew up Christian and Republican. I didn't know any other gay men. I had no examples. There were some LGBT characters on film and TV in the late 90's and early 2000's but not anything I could look up or relate to. No one in my family was openly gay, until I found out that I had an older brother that was given up for adoption.

And guess what?

My family found him on Facebook and we reconnected 5 years ago.

AND...

He’s GAY!

I couldn't believe it.

My brother and I are proof that homosexuality is genetic (sort of). We have the same Mother, but different Fathers.

Anyways, he was one of the first people I came out to when I was 19 and we've been inseparable ever since.

Although, I originally came out when I was 19, I immediately went right back into the closet. It took me a while to come to terms with my sexuality. Even though I came out to my brother, I still married my wife because I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I was gay, but some how I thought that staying married to her and ignoring my sexuality was the "right" thing to do.

Coming out isn’t easy. You spend your whole life trying to “pass” as straight because if you talk and walk like a “fag", you’re going to be bashed for it. However, as we embark 2016, there has been so much acceptance towards the LGBT community now than there has ever been. But, there are still hate crimes and discrimination happening every single day. School is hard enough to experience as a child, so why make it worse by adding “gay” to the many labels that people judge and make fun of you for.

For me to finally come out (for the second time), that meant I had to:


  • Get therapy.
  • Divorce my wife.
  • Completely restructure my entire outlook on life, myself and my beliefs because I had years of religion, guilt and shame drilled into me like nails on a fence. I would have to remove each one of those nails, and start healing the open wounds from my childhood so I could have a chance at living an authentic life.

And I did every single one of those things.

Presently

  • I’m still technically “married” but the divorce will be final soon.
  • I'm finally out and proud.
  • I’m happy and living my life authentically. (Yes, I know I sound like Caitlin Jenner.)

So what does a recently out, single, 23 year-old gay man do?

Download Grindr!

DUH!

So I’ve had a couple of hook ups and I’ve gone to some gay bars, but in all of these situations, It’s really hard for me to get a full 100% erection right off the bat. I think it’s 50% performance anxiety and 50% PIED.

So now I’m here. I don’t even know how I discovered PIED, RN, YBOP, or YBR, but the important thing is: I’ve finally realized that my porn addiction is affecting my life.

Yes, I’m addicted to porn, therefore I must abstain from PMO to reboot BUT I also want to analyze myself and my relationships.

For me, rebooting isn’t just stoping the PMO aspect, but rather looking at my life and relationships as a whole and understanding the benefits that no PMO has. This is about taking back control over my life, because for the last 15 years, porn has been in control. Well, it’s my turn to take the wheel and I want to start calling the shots.

Fin.

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As you can see from my counter below: I relapsed last night. BUT I'm not looking at this relapse as something "negative" or that I have to start my progress completely over. Today would have been my 10th day since I PMO'd. The first 8 days were a breeze. It was like PMO wasn't an issue anymore. I've been surprisingly "good" these last couple of days. I've been staying busy, reading, writing, going to therapy, etc.

Then this happened:

Day 8
On the night of day 8 w/o PMO I decided to test my self just to see how much "progress" I made. Yeah, I know, it was only day 8 and I looking back I shouldn't have done that. So I started to fantasize about the last hookup I had a couple of weeks ago. I can't even remember the last time I fantasized instead of using porn. It felt like I was 14 again. (I'm 23). I started to get an erection and then my body started to tremble. I was so aroused! I've never experienced something like this, and It freaked me out a little bit. It was almost like I was having a full body orgasm and my penis was so sensitive; I haven't been edging or touching it at all except while using the bathroom or taking a shower. It was probably due to the fact that I just got done smoking weed, but weed doesn't normally make me horny. I swear I could have just used my PC muscle to make me O that night. But I didn't. I just went to bed.

Has anyone else experienced something like this?

Day 9
The blue balls and pressure were killing me. Especially after my little fantasy session I had. I had started researching about Wet Dreams a couple days ago, wondering when I would have my first one from no PMO. I've never had a wet dream but the closest thing I got to one was when I was about 16, I had just woken up in the middle of the night from an erotic dream, almost a porn-like scene, with an erection.

I wanted to have a Wet Dream to relieve the pressure so bad! It was driving me crazy. But instead of waiting for a Wet Dream to sporadically happen, I just tried a prostate massage. (I'm gay, so that's not out of the "norm" for me). When nothing came out, but some precum, I caved in and MO'd with out fantasy. I was in the mind set of, "I just want to release this pressure." Instead of, "Damn, I'm so horny, I'm gonna go watch porn."

I also found out something interesting. Right before I MO'd, I tried a YouTube Hypnosis video for confidence and relaxation, this also probably contributed to my relapse. I was so relaxed and when the instructor was suggesting me to have my mind go any where it wants, I started to have these Porn Like flashbacks, which just confirms that I'm still addicted to pornography and that I need to stay more focused on my reboot this time around.

What I need to focus on for next time:

  • Don't worry about Wet Dreams. I need to just let them happen and if they don't, that's okay.
  • Don't fantasize at all and start learning to redirect my thoughts when I do notice myself fantasizing.
  • Instead of working in my bedroom on homework or design projects, try to go to a Starbucks, Library, or other public places.
  • Start Writing more. I haven't been logging my progress or thoughts as much as I would like to.
  • Start meeting new guys and talk, kiss, cuddle, but stay away from hookup sites.

Any other suggestions?

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