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Topics - Keoki08

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Ages 20-29 / The Beginning is Near
« on: November 20, 2015, 12:11:13 PM »
Hello People of RebootNatoin,

I am a 23 year old college student. I stared PMO when I was about 8 years old. My cousins - 5 years older than me - had been watching some P with me in the room and figured it would be okay if I stayed in the room with them. One of them eventually started putting P portfolios together online and selling them for money. Most of the time he did this I was present. P and PMO became something normal for me and I never felt bad about it emotionally. It was fairly easy to get a hold of thanks to the internet and my father's poorly hidden stash (another reason I thought it was normal). From the time I stared to early high school I PMOed one to two times a week.

I've had a few girlfriends but never felt P interfered with my relationships. In high school I met my current girlfriend and after 2 years when we tried to have sex for the first time I couldn't get an erection. I thought it was performance anxiety and when we tried again everything was absolutely fine. I continued to PMO and started feeling a bit bad about it as our relationship got more serious. When she graduated she decided to try a long distance relationship as she was going to school out of the city. I was unwavering in my devotion to her but in order to stay true to her I MOed at least one to two times daily. I visited as often as I could as did she and never had a problem with sex. After about a year I started relying heavily on P for MO. If I went out I had to PMO before. When I was alone I'd PMO for the heck of it. That's when I stated realizing it could be a problem but my friends did it too so I figured, "what the hell is the problem."

Two years went by in the long distance relationship and I decided I would go back to school and might as well go where my girlfriend went. I stopped school to work and help support my mother and 3 sisters because my father was in and out of jail and eventually my parents split up. Anyway, when I got to school and my girlfriend I went 3 month without PMO because she and I were having sex regularly. As time went on our sex life slowed but my sex drive was still there so I went back to PMO little by little. As this happened It got harder for me to maintain an erection when we did have sex and this past summer every time I was alone I was watching P. I started researching and came to the conclusion that I had been conditioned to accept P in my life and was now making a decision to keep it there. I tried to stop on my own but to no avail. I've told a few close friends and the cousin that introduced me to P (who is also struggling with P addiction). It helped a bit and now only PMO two times a week but can't get longer streaks than that.

On this past Tuesday, 11/17/15 I got home from class and PMOed like usual and got super depressed because I felt I couldn't stop no matter how hard I tried. So I told my girlfriend and tried to create a dialogue with her about what I have been going through and what it means to me to open up to her like this. It's something we never do. We've always been so passive with each other. I almost cried because I felt like I was cheating on her with my computer and feared it would lead to real cheating - something I hate because my parents always cheated on each other. She basically told me it was my problem to deal with and hasn't spoken to me since then, which is rough since we live together. I try but she pops in her earbuds or leaves.

It's been 3 days now since I watched P or MOed. Today would be my second time of the week but I'm here instead. I feel so free and confident but still vulnerable since I told my girlfriend. I fully intend to keep trying to talk to her and if she won't have it then I guess I'll have to no choice but to throw away 7 years of our relationship. I just HATE P so much now and that is what is driving me at this moment more than anything. I guess I should find some other reasons.

My triggers are being alone and stress. Plus all the girls at the university are very attractive and trigger it a bit as well. If I don't PMO I usually work out, or play/listen to music to relieve stress. I'm just grateful that there is a place like this I can come to after what happened with my girlfriend. I'm grateful that I have the friends I have and the opportunities I've been given here at school. School is now my #1 concern. My only goals are to not watch P again and to graduate. Thank you for reading. Any questions about me or my past feel free to ask and also to I'm open to tips and suggestions for getting through the reboot process.

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