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Topics - Christian

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Ages 20-29 / The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
« on: August 27, 2016, 12:25:44 AM »
        My names Christian. I'm 23 years old, a college student, and I have been trying to reboot for over a year now. I haven't posted in a few months, so I decided it was time for a new journal. I still kept my old journal; I've learned that it is a good idea to hold on to old writings, you may enjoy looking back one day.

        I wanted to start posting and getting involved again because I have fallen down the slippery slope of PMO like so many before me. My relapses have become less frequent and less severe, but they are still a burden in my life. I have made incredible progress over the last year; I feel more confident in myself, my mind has slowly started to become clearer, and I have developed a healthy lifestyle. But when dealing with PMO, staying clean 90% of the time and "Feeling great" are not enough to win the war. So I am back. Some of the negative things that have happened in my life since my last journal entry are: I have fallen out of my awesome gym routine, I am not reading as much as I want to or need to, and I have picked up bad habits of using P subs if I can't get the real thing.

        My main focus these next two weeks are getting back to my gym routine. I run in the morning, and lift weights in the afternoon. I will start by getting up and running tomorrow morning, and if I feel to "out of it" in the afternoon, I will still go and at least do some push-ups or bench press. I will remind myself that Rome wasn't built in a day, and my strength will not return for a good couple weeks. Luckily I have only been out of the gym for about 4 months, so I know that with some dedication things will return to normal. 

        I have school starting again in a few weeks. I am taking an English 101 class and a Math 93 (I dropped out of high-school so I'm way behind in math). I am going to do everything I can to help myself succeed in my classes. That includes making sure that I run in the morning, even if I feel busy or too tired. It is crucial to help me stay focused. I am going to try to be strict about getting my work done as soon as possible, and not let myself get behind again. Part of the reason I am so far behind in Math is because I didn't study, and tried to finish all of my work at once. In my writing class I am going to make sure I read every night before bed. Besides being something that I enjoy, I know that it helps my mind stay sharp for the following day. Those are the main things I want to focus on in school this quarter. Its only two classes so I shouldn't feel to stressed about things. I will have enough free time to work on my recovery which I know I will appreciate later on.

        I'm sure this isn't the most interesting thing to read but I will try to make my future posts more entertaining. Since I am fresh off a relapse I have a bit of brain fog, and you know how that makes things. A little about myself: I have been watching porn since I was 14, but stopped from 17 to 18, then started again sometime after that. I stopped watching porn because I had a serious girlfriend and was in love. Remembering how good things in my life felt when I was in a relationship is partly what motivated me to reboot. Even my Ex could see that something had changed since we had last seen each other. She described it as "Christian, I think your addicted to sex" and she was totally right. I just didn't take it seriously at the time, being 18 and all. On top of that she said "You used to be so confident" and that one bothered me a bit more. She was totally right. Even though that was years ago and the relationship is long over, I learned a ton. It gives me a reference of what I never want to be again, what I am trying to get away from.

        I discovered Rebootnation when I was 21 and had just moved to Washington. As soon as I watched a video on Youtube about PIED, I knew that porn was effecting my life in a negative manner. I think everyone here had known before that porn was bad for us, but we just needed that undeniable evidence, that we couldn't get away from, to accept it. Shortly after I made an account here and have been trying to go for 90 days ever since. I have made it 30 days two times, and have made it 15 multiple others. But I can never seem to take it to fruition. On my most successful stints I was posting on here daily and being active in the community. So that is what I am going to do again. I am going to give it my all, as I did before.

        The title of my journal is about not worrying when you mess up something in life. Whether its a relapse, or some other mistake you made, just keep moving on. All of the people around you, the world, and the universe is going to keep moving forward whether you do or not. There is no time (or reason great enough) to feel guilty about mistakes in your past. This is the greatest lesson I have learned in my recovery, and I hope it helps someone else as much as it did for me.

        That's all I have for tonight, I will post again tomorrow.

Ages 20-29 / A Positive Change
« on: November 02, 2015, 09:47:56 PM »
I made it one week today and I’m really proud of myself. I am going for 2 weeks, 30 days, 90 days, 180 days, and 1 year as my goals. I will try to keep my journals short and informative, but I will probably vent once in a while.

This week I am feeling better about myself and my recovery. The first few days were really tough to keep a clear mind but on day 4 I started to feel positive and better about things. I have started going to the gym again and trying to get back on a healthy workout routine; so far it’s going well other than some soreness. I have started reading again and cutting out TV; this has helped me the most, reading really slows down my mind and brings me back to reality. If I keep working hard at my goals I know one day I will recover.

Thanks for reading, Christian.

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