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Topics - Shooter82

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Ages 30-39 / Journal of a thousand milestones
« on: September 25, 2015, 09:37:33 PM »
I really needed to start this journal so I can share my daily bumps and get some feedback from the veterans here. Here is my introduction I posted a couple of days ago on the main forum.

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=6477.0;topicseen

So I started this reboot on the 21st and today has been the toughest yet. Like so many others I've read about here, I found it difficult to communicate with my wife due to the shame of my porn addiction. Today I was on the road alone and I found myself searching for someone to call before my mind wandered into the porn realm. I chatted with my boss a little and that helped to distract me but when I found a reason to call my wife I became very emotional on the phone. I even apologized for being so awkward and she assured me that the feeling was mutual. We really just need to learn how to communicate better and I truly believe that porn drove the largest wedge between us. I love talking to my wife. She is so funny and caring but right now there is still a lot of hurt in her voice. It's like she wants to help me and strangle me at the same time. I'm hopeful the hurt will heal itself in time and we can get back to being us. In the mean time, if I should find my mind wandering again, can anyone recommend something to keep my mind focused? I've thought about keeping a sudoku book with me but that won't help when I'm driving. Maybe a book on tape or something.

In my journey, I hope to completely rid my life of pornography. This will not be easy since it is in almost every movie, video game, and even cable TV. I have many triggers but I also have a wonderful wife, three awesome kids, and several hobbies to keep my attention. One thing is for sure. If I don't get rid of this addiction right now, I will lose all the things I hold dear in my life. That fact and having this group to talk to will see me realize my goals.
 

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Porn Addiction / Well, here goes.
« on: September 24, 2015, 10:59:03 PM »
I really need to go ahead and introduce myself to the group. I joined a few days ago and have been really enjoying the stories and educational reading. Hopefully through sharing my own story I can truly begin the healing process not only in myself but in my relationship with my wife.
I guess I started PMO'ing at the age of 13. Like usual, it started with my dad's porn stash and remained mostly innocent curiosity for a couple of years. When my parents split up, I honestly wasn't all that surprised about the divorce itself. What did surprise me was seeing the immense porn stash my dad had accumulated after he moved out. He wasn't really even trying to hide it from me and my little brother either. Shortly after that, I started a very unhealthy relationship with porn. I had constant access to it at his house and would routinely sneak it out when I went back to my mother's house. He either never noticed or didn't care. Since then I have PMO'd close to everyday and at least once a day. My wife and I met when we were seventeen and have been together ever since. She learned early on about my porn habit but I don't think she realized that it was an addiction at the time. We married at eighteen and I joined the Marines. My porn habit followed me around the country and around the world for the next thirteen years. On deployments we would jokingly pass around external hard drives and copy each others porn. Looking back on those moments now gives me so much shame. I have since left the military but the porn monster is still with me. My wife and I have argued constantly for several years over this addiction I have. I used to get so mad when she said I was addicted because I got a huge sense of pride thinking that I had never been addicted to anything. In the past, I've promised her that I would quit knowing that I was lying to her. Even while I was saying it, I was thinking of a stash of porn I could go back to. And, like so many others, the smartphone has been my downfall. During these discussions with my wife, she pointed out the change in the type of porn I was watching and even downloading. I have to admit, I'm ashamed at the things I was watching. I had scenes saved on a tablet that I would never imagine acting out in real life. A few days ago my wife confronted me again about the porn and again pointed out the extreme nature. She almost had me in tears and she must have seen that I truly want to change. She asked if I would sit down and watch Gabe's video and read some of the literature on the addiction. I agreed and I'm so glad I did. A lot of the symptoms they were listing (i.e. PIED and brain fog) were spot on for me. It was truly a wake-up call that I am, in fact, addicted to porn. But I was so relieved at the same time that so many men have overcome this addiction and are actually better for it both physically and mentally. I watched those videos Sept 21 and I haven't relapsed since. My wife and my three children need me to be a better man and I'm going to make that happen. I'm ashamed of the porn addict I was three days ago but I'm proud of the recovering porn addict that I am today. Every day from now on will be a step in the right direction. I've already ditched my smartphone and tablet and I've come completely clean to my wife about all the porn I had. I may never have come to this sight on my own. If not for my wife's love and desire to help me, I have no doubt, I would soon be alone and on a downhill spiral. I will be leaning on this sight a lot for information and guidance and I have no doubt the people here will be happy to help.   

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