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Topics - hopeful

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Ages 40 and up / signing in again
« on: March 26, 2016, 09:22:47 AM »
well, here I am again !
October 2015 , i wrote the last post here on RN, when I was giving some advice and good words to another struggler.
Now I am the one who needs all the help he can get, AGAIN !
Yes, I relapsed, and hit rockbottom. Same situation I got into a couple of times before. Began watching the porn channel on tv.
Tv's, laptops, and my phone are blocked with a code, to prevent me, from getting access to porn. I did ask my wife to block it, and that did the job for a long time, until now. I got past the code and watched porn again. Denial, lying, and lot's and lot's of pain and grief followed, when my wife confronted me with my behavior. Right now I feel like a monster, doing these things to my wife, especially because we've been here a couple of times before, and I promised , never to do this again.
My wife is on the verge of giving up on me, betrayed her just too many times. All the trust, love and affection are out the door right now.
She said, if it wasn't for the kids, I left you already, cause I can't cope anymore!
I just do not understand WHY I still am ready to throw it all away, and risking to lose everything, in order to get that stupid dopamine rush.
Lost all faith right now, and am desperate.
I don't know , but maybe it helps to connect with you here on RN again.

Thanks for reading !

Ages 40 and up / newbie
« on: August 06, 2015, 04:32:36 PM »
hello everyone,
i'm a 46 year old man, married to a wonderful wife, who is also posting on this forum by the name hoopvol.
Three wonderful children, and from the outside, it looks like we are the perfect family.
But, there is a big dark cloud hanging over us.
Maybe when you read my wife's message , posted under the name HOOPVOL, you know what i mean.
From the age of 13, it all started, and slowly but surely the porn gets me in a viselike grip.
During the day, i longed to find an opportunity, for looking in these magazines over and over again.
Sometimes, it was like 10 minutes,ejaculate, and then my mission was accomplished.During a relationship, several years later, i did my best to keep it a secret.At times when i was alone, the porn found it's way back into my hands, and there we go again.
I didn't think of it as a problem during that time. I was just a healthy young man with a curious mind.When time past and we got married, i got hooked more and more. Also my wife knew already that i was keeping my addiction hidden from her.
Quite a few times she confronted me, tried to talk to me. Usually i replied with denial, anger, silence, or like "it was only one time". Every time i promised to stop, but never tried!The porn was here and here to stay.At that time i was completely bliss of the things happening around me, at home , at work.Slowly you go numb, and the only thing that matters is when can i watch porn again. I've read many similar stories on this forum.
My wife brought me to my sences, and i finally began to listen to her, and taking her more serious.The porn in my life was driving us apart, and there was no possibility of having a relationship, together with my addiction.
After seeing the Gabe video's, i was deeply suprised of the fact that his story is so similar to mine.I am not alone !
I'm very thankful that i can share my story with all of you.
Thanks for reading !

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