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Topics - metaphase

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Women / Something's gotta give
« on: July 11, 2015, 03:50:31 PM »
Hey all. I am very glad to have found this community, especially with a section especially for women. I have struggled to find much info on this topic that takes women's struggles with porn-induced sexual dysfunction into account at all.

It's been a long road to me feeling as though I have a problem. What has ultimately lead me here is trouble with arousal with my partner of almost five years. He is great, I am attracted to him, I love him very much, the sex is fantastic (is that ok to say??)....once it gets going. I want to in my heart, but when he touches me, 99 times out of 100 I am bone dry. It is frustrating for both of us. Only so much of it can be dismissed as pot giving me "dry mouth everywhere". It wasn't always like this: when we first got together, I was always good to go right away, but the thrill of a new partner was still fresh. My immediate arousal has been on a slow decline ever since.

Let me back up. For as long as I can remember, I have been fascinated by sex. I would draw "dirty" pictures as a kid. We had this big medical book that I was in love with in general, but I would go through the pages detailing sex and genitals over and over and over. When a friend showed me a 70's nudie mag she had found on top of a vent in her basement, it was like the holy grail. I started watching porn around age, I don't know...11? basically as soon as we got the internet and I was considered old enough to be left home alone.  I became quite adept at hiding it all and my mom had no idea...until I covered all my tracks except closing the window of the folder with my "stash". It was promptly deleted and I was in big trouble and some mortifying talks ensued. But I was right back at it. And I got caught again. The computer was then password protected but I found a way around that too.

Since then it's just escalated. I'm 28 now. I have accounts on at least 5 porn sites so I could save favorites. For awhile there I could only get into pretty extreme stuff. My collection of toys has ballooned. Things have really reached a fever pitch since I discovered what is basically pinterest for porn. I've been in denial for quite awhile since anymore I really only PMO on Saturdays when I get up and maybe get a little high and then my guy goes to work, and usually he hasn't even pulled out of the parking lot before I've busted out the laptop. Sometimes I try to do chores around the house but porn is all I can really think about and I give in almost immediately.

I have slowed down a little bit in the last month. I became a very, very big fan of anal stimulation but realized I had to give it up because, frankly, I was ruining my digestion and making my body miserable. I somewhat impulsively bagged up my dildo and other anal toys and threw them in the dumpster. So, that issue i am considering to be in remission. I continue to struggle with the rest of it, though. With porn I can be sitting in a huge puddle within minutes. But when it's time for sex, like I said...bone-dry. Once we get going, get some lube in there, then it's like...oh, right, that...and the wetness kicks in. Sometimes, when I know we'll be at it before long, I will try to think about porn or maybe even look at some while he's outside smoking to jump-start things. This makes me feel so guilty and broken. My guy never says anything but I can't help feeling like he must feel a bit unattractive and ineffective, and I feel embarrassed and guilty. For the sake of my sex life, I'd really like to put porn behind me. Here goes nothing...

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