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Topics - Dareius

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Ages 20-29 / Fathers death and porn addiction vs. I want my life back
« on: August 21, 2015, 05:04:40 PM »
Hello to all of you,

first of all I want to thank all of you for this community and especially Gabe for creating awareness by going public. It was his video about porn-addiction that I saw first and which really got me going on my reboot process.

I‘m a 23 year old man and have been screwed over by excessive pornconsumption – suprise ha. This intro will be long, but I have experienced alot leading up to pornaddiction.

English is not my native language so sorry in advance for bad language.

My life until I was 15 was really amazing. I had great parents, a great family overall. I ve had a great childhood with no trauma. I have been overprotected by my mother, which my dad luckily rebalanced by doing all kinds of sports and challenging mental duels with me (such as skiing, riding, surfing, jogging, cycling, playing chest…) .
When I was 15 my dad died from a hearthattack and the whole shitty spiral downwards started. During this time i also fell in love for the first time. The problem was I had a trust issue due to the death of my dad and thus it didnt work out even though she was also intrested. From that point on I became a fulltime gamer+pornconsumer until today, still beeing a virgin. I have had hardcore depressions due to the death of my dad and my family falling apart, so I playd and fapd, not realising that I was getting really addicted, just numbing my feelings of selfhate, anger, frustration, sadness and loneliness.
The problem with my dad dying was, that my subconciousness thought he left me because I wasnt worth it. Rationally speaking it wasnt like that ofcourse but the emotional mind does not realise this (I have been reading alot about this and I m getting helped by a psychotherapist). Because of this my self-confidence dropd rapidly and I hyperventilated on presentations or even on reading texts in school, which never happened before. I started to become socially axcious, awkward, and isolated myself from others. I m not 100% sure if this was mainly because of porn addiction or because of the trauma. I guess it was a good mix of both?
I m luckily smart enough so I managed to get through to university where I now study in the 3rd year with A grade (I m not trying to sound like a huge dick here, but this is one thing I am most proud of, that I managed to pull through and never totally gave up on myself even though I had alot of selfhate and struggle).

Now with the years the social anxiety, social isolation etc became more and more, especially since I moved to another city where the university is located, 2 years ago. Over the last year I saw a constant decline on my erections, recently masturbating with only a 30-40% erection until orgasm where I got a little hard/ I just wasnt attracted by women anymore, even though I knew that alot were good looking. Without knowing about porn addiction I had been trying to stop watching hardcore porn and go back to „softer“ porn such as normal sex, but because of the desensitization I just wasnt getting my dopamine and fell back to hardcore stuff - femdom bullshit.
After searching the hack out of google I stombled over the video from Gabe and the 1h video from Gary Wilson. After watching those and several more + reading alot on + here I stoped watching porn completly.
So after I decided to quit porn and gaming I felt like a beast. I finally understood what happended to my brain by watching porn and gaming. I was in controll – I thought. FUCK.

The first 10 days were really hard. I thought the depressions would just come from my dads death, but the depressions I got on withdrawal the first few days were HARDCORE. I realised that pornaddiction really was a big problem, a hell I put myself into.
In order to be able to keep myself away from porn, I started to workout alot. I started mountainbiking 4 times the week and doing workout 3 times a week.
I still had depressions, but because I knew what happened to my brain I was able to stay away from masturbation. Every day I would spent atleast 4hours on to increase my knowledge about pornaddiction.
Over the course of the days from day 10 to day 20 I experienced several strong ups and downs. I started to feel again, got a manlier voice, alot more energy, my body started to get pumped. Cravings for femdom werent really that bad and after day 15 I only had split second thoughts which I was able to put aside.
Until day 25 it was smooth sailing. However… Since day 15 ish I stoped looking on and tried to focus on my real life. The problem here is, that I m on holidays atm from university so the only thing I can really do is workout and read books … ? I realised that I really had nothing going besides gaming and porn before my reboot. So to strengthen my resozialising I went out every day besides workouts to sozialise, just going for a walk, looking at people etc.. I m an introvert so I tend to stay alone, but as it turned out this is poison for me. After I quit learning more about porn on day 15, which occupied my mind, I fell into the habbit of wasting time on the internet. Youtube and especially where I watched other gamers play or watched some docus about wildlife. The breaking point was, when I went to the psychotherapist after 28 days again.  Its a woman and I think what I did subconciously was hoping that she would give me a blowjob ……. I KNOW. WTF was i thinking ?!?!?(porn right?) (EDIT: I talked to her about this. She reacted very kind and understanding. Now I realise it is my longing for emotional savety/bonding/feeling love for a woman)After realising that I am just another customer it hit me really hard. I gave her my trust, which I havent given to anyone, not even my mother since my dad died. Realising, that I paid her, so she helps me and nothing more was the turning point for me from where I relapsed. I think that was one of the reasons that kept me going on the reboot journey, to impress her and maybe you know ....
I know, as one guy put it somewhere on the forums, the real world isnt filld with p*** and novelty and you gotta work hard. I work hard on myself if I have to, but when it comes to sexuality I really am not experienced – still a virgin.
As on from today, August 21.08. I started my 2nd reboot after PMOing twice in a row…
I will keep you guys up to date, thanks for reading until here and thanks in advance for any comments… Thats all I got for now.

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