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Topics - firebird

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Ages 20-29 / My story and journal
« on: June 14, 2015, 06:11:39 AM »
Hi guys.

I wanted to share my story with you and maybe hear your opinion on whether my problems are related to porn consumption. Wall of text incoming, but I feel like every piece of information might be important.

I am currently 23 years old. I started masturbating when I was like 14, I don't exactly remember. However, I didn't start using videos or bigger amounts of internet porn until I moved to a bigger city about 4 years ago (my parents live in a rural area with really shitty internet). I once found a porn DVD within my Dads Vidoe collection and occasionally used it when my parents were gone, but most of the time I fapped to fantasy.

First time sex with 16, some random girl. A couple months later I had my first girlfried and we stayed together for six years. We moved to a different city together. It was a good relationship with a healthy sex life. At some point - I'd say about 2-3 years ago, about a year after moving in together - the relationship went from being really happy to being shit. This was due to a couple reasons one of the key elements being the fact that my GF for whatever reasons completly lost her libido and we only had sex like once a month.

Nevertheless It took us another two years to split up (which finally happened last october). Now because we didn't really have sex and because I finally had a good internet connection the moment when my GF lost interest in sex was the point when I began to use internet porn. So basically for the past 3 years I have been using internet porn regularly. I *would not* consider myself 'addicted' at any point, it never interfered with life, job or sports. But I masturbated daily and almost always sitting in front of my laptop using porn videos.

During that time, I noticed several things:

- My own libido began to decline, it didn't bother me as much as before that I didn't have sex with my gf, mostly because I knew at some point she would leave for work and I could masturbate. I lost the urge to engage and try to get sex, I completly focused on porn.
- Girls 'on the street' somehow stopped being attractive. I don't know how to describe it, i would notice a girl and I feel somewhat attracted to them, however, that is completly 'asexuel' attraction. I stopped getting sexually aroused from nice legs or tight shirts. When I see a girl other guys would propably consider 'hot' I only recognize her as 'asthetically beautiful', it doesn't trigger any sexual desires.
- I began to browse for more 'hardcore' videos, like anal and stuff... 'normal' sex began to seem boring.
- I stopped having NRBs.

However at the time those signs didn't really strike me as alarming. I fapped to porn happily (except I was doing a lot wrong, for example death grip and stuff).

Now back to my story, a jump in time back to last november when I broke up with my girlfriend. After a certain period of anger and sadness I went clubbing with my friends and relatively soon found a girl that I took home. Now I only did this because I needed to get over my old GF and felt like I needed to experience another women... NOT because I really wanted sex with a real women. We tried to have sex but I couldn't perform. Not. At. All. She really did her best to try but my penis just ignored her.

That was the point where I noticed something was wrong with me and something needed to change.

First I thought of a medical issue. I went to see two different doctors. The looked at my blood and even made an ultrasound. Long story short: I was/am completly healthy. Both doctors assured my that there was no medical reason for me not being able to perform. Both of them said my problems were PA. I was given a prescription for viagra and the doctor told me to use it until I have lost my anxienty.

So I went back to the girl, took a pill. Everything worked. Except only when using viagra. As soon as I wasn't taking a pill nothing worked. No matter what she or I were doing. So eventually I needed to find another way out, mostly because that shit was expensive as hell. The whole time there was one problem: I didn't really find the girl sexually attractive. She was beautiful by all means but my brain simply wasn't reacting to it. I liked spending time with her, but basically she was constantly horny and I was... not interested.

I then googled and eventually at some point found YBOP.   

Since then I hope that my problems are related to porn. I try to quit watching porn, not giving up, currently on day 9 without PMO.

I have no idea how but I think over the past 3 years I have managed to completly fuck up my brain. I remember how I had boners all day from looking at my classmates in highschool. I had sex with different women before and for 3 or 4 years I had a satisfying and exciting sex life in my past relationship. However, currently I feel almost asexual. I live in a giant monsterous flatline, sexual desire equals zero. I have morning woods and I can get a boner when masturbating (with and without porn), but only "to test if it still works". I have lost my sexuality. I am healthy, I eat healthy, I do a lot of sports, I am successful in my job - and propably addicted to porn?

Do you guys think this is PIED?
I am afraid it might be some deeper  psychological shit problem?

Thanks for reading!

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