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Topics - Trying2Survive

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Journal Entry 1: Wednesday, June 17, 2015  9:30pm

Well this is kind of awkward for me because I've never really done anything like this before and I don't know where to exactly start my story. I guess I can start by addressing my problem and how I ended up on Reboot Nation. My problems all started when my family got our first computer with internet when I was about 15 years old. I was fascinated by the technology and the idea that anything you could ever want to know was at the touch of your finger. I remember spending countless hours online just browsing through different web pages and reading on things I was curious about. The internet was like an endless journey of information for me. As my curiosity grew, and being a teenager that was curious about sex and girls, I  started to look up sexual fantasies, doing S chats and watching P. I would stay up late at night when everyone one was asleep and spend countless hours just staring at a screen with naked women. It was such a unique rush for me, something that I had never experienced. I loved it, I enjoyed it, I couldn’t get enough of it. Unfortunately, those habits continued to grow as time went on.

As my porn obsession grew, my personality changed. I became very secretive with family and friends, often spending days behind closed doors in my bedroom laying in bed browsing for the next erotic video I could watch that night.  I remember starting a “ P collection” and having over 50 of my favorite videos in a hidden file on my computer. I was so paranoid of being caught that I would get upset at anyone who stepped one foot in my room.  I wouldn’t even let anyone near my phone because I was afraid that they would find traces of my porn usage. I became short tempered, pessimistic, and angry all the time. It put a strain on relationships with my friends and family.

Somehow, around the age of 27, I got into a relationship with a woman I adored and cared about. She was perfect in every way. She was beautiful, smart and had a good career. I often dreamt of her maybe being the “one” I could put a ring on and marry her. However, this is around the time I realized I had a serious problem, I couldn’t perform in bed. No matter how many times we tired I just couldn’t do it. I was embarrassed to say the least. I mean heres this gorgeous woman in front of me ready to make love, how is it that I couldn’t get it up? I started to look up information about performance issues and found a couple of sites that talked about P addiction and how its associated with PE and ED. I started to read testimonials from guys my age and every thing that they talked about sounded exactly like my story. I recall telling my self, “Hey, this is a joke Im not addicted to porn. I can quit watching porn right now”. Boy was I wrong. I couldn’t quit and, not surprisingly, my relationship with the girl I cared about suffered. Looking back at the relationship now I was such a bad boyfriend. I was insensitive to her feelings, I often ignored her, continued to watch porn and talk to other women on dating sites. Looking back on it now, I’m disgusted with my self. I can’t believe I did that to her. It got so bad that we decided to part ways after one year and it broke my heart. I remember the night crying over it. I still think about it every so often.  On the bright side, I’m glad we went our separate ways. She deserved way better than what I was bringing to the table. And, at the age of 28, it gave me a chance to just focus on my self and really try to change my life for the better.

Its been 3 long years trying to kick this addiction. The longest I ever made it to was 5 months, and boy did it feel great. I was getting erections just thinking about regular women. I had no more brain fog, I was energetic, and felt more driven to succeed in life.  it was  like I had gotten a second chance in life. I still think about that those 5 months where I was clean, it was such an amazing feeling. I want that feeling again. I was making good progress and saw the light at the end of the tunnel. However, unfortunately, it was a very stressful time in my life and I fell into a deep depression about what I was going through and so I fell back into my old ways again, watching P. The good thing is that those 5 good months is that it gave me hope that this does work and it gave me a glimpse of what I had been missing out on this whole time. I want to feel alive again! I’ve made some drastic changes to help me succeed this time.

I’ve taken some serious steps that I think will really help me finally kick this habit. I’ve installed K9 protection on my computer and my phone. Also I’ve put some restrictions on my wireless router that blocks some of the things that K9 sometimes fail to recognize as explicit material. On top of that Im using which allows you to write a letter to your self to receive in the future via email. I’ve put the passwords for the K9 protection in the letter so theres no way for me to undo these restrictions. The goal I set for my self is January 1, 2016. Thats about 7 months. When January rolls around and if I feel like I still don’t have enough will power to stop, I will repeat the process until I feel more comfortable knowing I have total self control.

I really mean it this time. I’m gonna be more active on this site and start posting my journals daily. This will be my first  and official post. I’m done with this whole PMO crap. I want to live again. I want my life back. I will get over this!

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